OMG! I'm new here and I need HELP, advice or Xanax!! This is LONG people to bear with me!
Last year I met and fell in love with my boyfriend and about 5 months ago I left my home state and moved with him to his to be with him. I always knew about his son and knew that his son was his world. I could relate because I have 3 children myself and they are my world as well. He always spoke about his son and how he felt guilty that he misses a lot of his life because of his job and so on. Well back in Sept. I made a surprise trip to come to his state to see him for his birthday, this is when I met the child. I didn't really think to much because kids are, well kids but as I am sitting in my boyfriend's parent's house doing the office "meet and greet", my boyfriend's son comes walking into the room and steps on my toes. Now we all know that the people with the smallest feet in the house (kids) tend to step on toes so I didn't think much of it, until the child looks down at my foot, looks up into my face then deliberately attempts to step on my foot a second time. I just gave him a look and pulled my foot back and that was the end of it. Well in late October I moved here and my boyfriend, who works in the gas/oil industry, was working 28 days on and 28 off. So when I moved, he was on days off. The DAY we start unpacking the moving truck the "baby mama" shows up and drops the kid on the door step because my boyfriend always told me that when he was home, he had his son. So if moving and unpacking isn't hard enough NOW we had to worry about a toddler! It was during this time that I found out how absolutely ROTTEN this kid was! I have 3 kids, 2 of which are teenagers and my kids wouldn't ever DARE act like this kid. And a lot of it is because the kid is shuffled from place to place to be "watched", the bm only had him 2 nights a week, other than that, my boyfriend or his family had him. Well this kid threw tantrums, wet his pants CONSTANTLY because he wasn't potty trained he was kicking my pets, breaking my 7 y/o's toys and so on. Well all I do is stand back and wait because as much as I hate to say it but I know that when my boyfriend goes back to work, the child will be gone again and out of my hair. Well, knowing that my boyfriend kept his kid while he was off, I also knew that the BM picked the child up 2 nights a week, so I knew that those were MY nights to have my boyfriend and I looked forward to those 2 nights. Well, the BM started developing this habit on "her nights" of texting my boyfriend and asking could she bring the kid back, instead of keeping HER child!! And my boyfriend would ALLOW this! Which thoroughly angered me because I felt like what SHE wanted was more important than what I needed, which was "us" time! My boyfriend would say that he was "doing it for his kid not for her" but I was NOT hearing any of it because the bottom line is that only the BM's wants were being considered and my feelings weren't especially since she would bring the child back around what should have been close to the kid's bedtime. So we have spent a good part of the last several months fighting and now MY child has started throwing tantrums and picking up these horrible habits of this other child and as much as I want to say something to my boyfriend, its like talking to a wall because this is his first child and he can't comprehend someone so "young and cute and innocent" being mean and deliberate. But considering I have my own 3 kids and have spent time with mine and other kids, I know 3 y/os CAN in fact be that way! I guess the bottom line is that something HAS to change!! I am NOT going to put up with this rotten, spoiled, nasty child! I love my boyfriend with all of my heart, but I am soooo done with this child its ridiculous!
Run Forest,run!!!! That's the
Run Forest,run!!!!
That's the suggestion I have for you.....it's not gonna work if your BF is a guilty daddy and does not consider your feelings. Also don't be surprised when your BF and BM expect YOU to keep their kid and become a babysitter.
I'm sorry to be so blunt but I don't see a bright future for you with your BF
Have you considered maybe
Have you considered maybe finding a place of your own for awhile to get things straight in your own world. With your child now acting out there is a problem, that unfortunately will probably only get worse.
Your BF's child will (as you well know) become MUCH MUCH worse. Do you really want to deal with this? Three year old spoiled brats can be handfuls, 15 year old spoiled brats can be dangerous.
You have three of your own to think about....how much are you willing to subject them to?
Well I am GLAD I found this
Well I am GLAD I found this place because you know what Hatecopycats, we have already had a fight about ME watching this child. When my boyfriend went from working 28 and 28 back to his normal schedule of 14 and 14, the FIRST day he was gone for 14 days I get a call from my boyfriend's mother about me taking the kid!! I was like H*LL NO because first of all, I look forward to that kid LEAVING my home when his dad is at work and also because the BM is a nut. I am NOT putting myself in that situation to be used as ammo against my boyfriend in court if it goes that route. That and I resent the fact that the he and his parents expect ME to do something they don't even expect the BM to do!! Sorry but screw that! I raised my OWN kids (19, 17 & 7 btw) that they KNEW better than to pull crap.....I mean I never "beat" them, but I did put the fear of God into them they they would be very sorry if they disobeyed! And if I got a hold of THIS kid, he wouldn't like me very much I can assure you because I am a FIRM believer in discipline! And ESM, I haven't found a job yet so I am kinda without means to get my own place.........for now!! But I can assure you that if things don't change, I will take the first job that comes along and bolt!
If you decide to stick it out
If you decide to stick it out ( which I don't recommend) you need to make your boundaries very clear....you are not a babysitter. I'm afraid you will be a doormat for both BM and BF.
I know you left your state to be with him and don't have a job right not but don't be used as a sitter, maid, etc...
I really feel for you....I know your in a tough spot.....while he wants to see his kid I understand but he needs to be sensitive to your feelings too.
Crazy BMs can make things very difficult when it comes to kids too.
Well sueu2, no, my kids are
Well sueu2, no, my kids are NOT always with me. I'm almost 40, my oldest graduated and lives in another state and MY other children are in school all day. And even when my kids were younger, I worked so they were in daycare. I'm sorry but I don't like having kids up my butt 24/7 which doesn't make ME a bad parent. And I do NOT expect him to "choose" but a relationship will NOT work when there is NO TIME for the relationship!! Cuz when the kid isn't here, neither is my boyfriend, when my boyfriend is home from work, the kid is here constantly and there is NO BREAK!! Sorry, but I need "us" time......if that makes me selfish, then so be it.
Skeeterina, Your not being
Skeeterina,
Your not being selfish at all....pay no mind to sue2, she is not too popular here .
No one wants kids up their butt all the time, especially some one else's
No to babysitting. Sorry,
No to babysitting. Sorry, this is a no-go area.
I think part of the problem is these issues were not discussed before you moved in.
I was the same age when I spent 9 mths with then-BF in the USA while my kids spent 2 yrs with their father in Australia. Hey, they all wanted to be together and boy, they were!
One thing I made VERY clear was my standards of behaviour. If then-BF had any problems with what I tolerated I would have left the next day. I was lucky. Now-DH is very close to his mother although she lives in another state and we only see her 1-2 x a year and she 100% agreed with whatever I said even before I met her!
I would not tolerate inconsiderate kids divorce or no civorce. I came close to walking out a couple of times but luckily his mother called and I chewed HER ear off and then she chewed HIS ear off.
However you haven't got my now-MIL, sadly.
So what to do? I suggest a sit down discussion with your BF. Lay it on the line. How you cannot continue to live with his son when he behaves so badly. How you are worried about what will happen when the wee boy starts school with this host of 'cute at 3 but horrendous at 5' behaviour. How teachers will label him from Day 1. How feeling guilty for not seeing him every day is not doing the boy any favours. Allowing him to rule the house will only prove problematic when he is older. What happens when his son is 16 and tells his Dad "F You. I will do what I want." and kills someone in a drunk driver incident.
If BF is still in denial, tell him you will be moving back to your hometown once school is out because you cannot live like this. You love him but he needs his son more than he needs you. And maybe you can re-connect in a few years when his son is more independent.
Do not fell you HAVE to love this child because that is not your job. Your BF may try and guilt trip you but hold fast to your decision.
And next time, have THE talk before moving. He may be terrific but his baggage is around for a long LONG time.
Get out while you can! It
Get out while you can! It doesn't get any better!
But here's the
But here's the thing...........ur sadly mistaken because I do NOT want MY OWN KIDS up my a$$ 24/7! I like them MUCH better when they are in school! And there were no contradictions, he told me that when he was off he had his son, and I was O K with that and prepared, until I met the little troll and saw how OUT OF CONTROL he is! And I certainly wasn't prepared with the BM trying to REMAIN in my boyfriend's life and his family's. She has made acclimating quite unbearable. But when I saw how undisciplined this child was and just how mean he is, I was beside myself.....I mean, I didn't raise my kids to be little heathens and certainly will not put up with THIS one because of his father's work schedule and the BM's non participation. She allows OTHER people to raise this kid (NOT the BM btw) and spoil him and DON'T discipline him while he's at work and she lives a single life 5 nights out of 7. HOW am I to tolerate that with this kid when I would have NEVER tolerated it with my own?? But he isn't MINE to punish, correct or discipline in any way shape or form because the BM is a bitter nut case angry over the fact that he left her and is now with me. I can only imagine what she would do if she got a wild hair up her butt about this kid. The BM has caused nothing but grief either.
If your BF can not put his
If your BF can not put his relationship with you first now, he won't if you marry. So, move back home, let him visit (without his kid) and focus on the relationship.
28on/28off is a great schedule for a single man but for someone in a relationship it is tough. Throw in a non joint kid and the relationship will never be a priority.
If it is to be a priority he will have to get a more normal long distance visitation schedule with his son. A month or two in the summer (28days would work), a week or so at Christmas and a week or so around Spring break. They he can have focused time with his kid, focus time with you and do his 28on/28off career.
I am a firm believer in the fact that the adult relationship has to be the priority of both partners and the core of the blended family. The kids benefit from a strong adult relationship, they do not take priority over it, they are a not a party to it.
I think that if you are going to stay were you are then your BF has to cut his visits with his son to no more than half of his 28off schedule.
IMHO of course.
Thank you ls1988 and I agree
Thank you ls1988 and I agree with you this "move out" option is not something that hasn't been brought to my attention before. I really REALLY WISH he would have relocated to MY state. Things were much easier and less "toxic" as far as fighting and what not when we were there. I know a good portion of the fighting has to do with the "bouncing around" of the child when he's at work but MOST of it comes from the fact that the BM still tries to stay IN my boyfriend's life as much as possible using the child as leverage. Because my boyfriend has said on more than one occasion that he "tries to keep things civil for his son" meaning he's gonna kiss HER a$$ to avoid problems and that just isn't sitting well with me. There are one too many women in his life....and he needs to figure out how to get the BM out as much as possible because I will NOT relent no matter how much I love him and want to be with him, I will not be made miserable by her for the next 15 years!! PERIOD! I will walk and forget it ever happened. Because the bottom line is that NO WOMAN (or man) wants to feel like they are in constant competition with the BM or BF of their new SO's kid! She has the kid, so she has the weapon and I am left unarmed!!
Oh and onoffour, I just
Oh and onoffour, I just wanted to respond......unfortunately, I don't believe my boyfriend had ANY idea any of this crap was going on! I have noticed that when the kid is with his parents and he's offshore where communication is limited, no one seems to tell him anything. But when he comes in from offshore, STILL no one sees a reason to tell him anything because NOW he's the daddy again. I was the one that noticed after I moved down that the BM was leaving the kid @ my boyfriend's parent's home 5 nights a week and only taking him 2. I also noticed on the nights that the child WAS @ the grandparents, the BM would SPEND THE NIGHT once or twice a week!! INSTEAD of taking the child HOME she was just stay there........WTFing F!! I found this totally weird and completely uncomfortable, but when I mentioned it to my boyfriend, he was as blown away about it as I was cuz NO ONE ever mentioned that this was going on to HIM! He assured me that the BM "was over it" and I firmly believe that he thought that. The BM even TOLD him that it was fine because of whatever stupid shit excuse that fell out of her mouth...I think he was completely oblivious. It wasn't til AFTER I arrived that she started her little nit picky crap that pissed me off! Then FINALLY other people (other than me because he was treating me like I was overreacting) TOLD him about her antics. How she was boo-hooing to them ALL the time and blah blah blah that he FINALLY realized what she was doing. I knew she wasn't "over it" especially since I am a woman, although I have never been dumped...just hearing about some of the weirdness like the "do you ever miss us being a family" text one time from her to my boyfriend convinced me pretty quick that she was FAR from "over it". The bottom line is that in HER eyes, I stole her "happily ever after" and she is PISSED! So she is doing whatever she CAN to keep herself involved in the lives of my boyfriend's family if she can't be in HIS!!
Believe me Step Mum, its NOT
Believe me Step Mum, its NOT that I don't feel sorry for the child, I really do. And I don;t blame the child either because I have 3 kids of my own and am a firm believer of structure and discipline, which is something I think this child needs. But for SOME strange reason, everyone else (including my boyfriend) seems to think the way it is now is "just fine" and so who am I to challenge that? I can feel sorry for the kid all I want but there's nothing I can do about it. And my boyfriend even ASKED me to be more involved with the raising and discipline, but the problem with that is that the BM is so looney tunes that I am worried if I discipline the child in a manner that HE doesn't like (which would be ANY manner) and the child then goes running back to the BM about it, what kind of grief will she cause my boyfriend?? That's my fear and also the reason I do NOT get involved!! I keep my mouth shut about it and just let my boyfriend deal with it when he is home on days off and the kid is HERE because I am NOT opening that can of worms......when my boyfriend is at work, the child is wherever being allowed to do whatever and there's nothing I can do about it. Its a sad situation for sure, but not MINE to correct.