Newly engaged and step sons to be are pissed!
Wow.. talk about a punch to the gut..
So, BF of 4 years finally proposed to me on new years. When we got home from our trip we told his kids right away and they flipped out. They "didn't think" we were going to get married. WTF? Really?
Their mom is remarried - has been for almost 2 years now. We have been together for 4 years - lived together for 2 of them (yes, I know some of you will frown on that), done family vacations (with in-laws to be included), holidays, birthdays, school sports, conferences, etc. You name it - we have done it all together.
Now, the step kids to be are pissed and don't think we should marry.. My son, who is 12 is delighted. His two boys (10 & 14) threw a royal hissy fit. We tried to talk to them about next steps and asked them "well, what did you think would happen?" and "why do you think we have been together for the past 4 years?" kind of questions.. their answer "I don't know - not to get MARRIED!"
I am trying really hard not to take this personally.. not to get upset, but it is extremely difficult. I know their is some resentment towards me because my fiance was they typical "disney dad" when he would get his kids every other weekend and now we have them 50% of the time and there are rules and bedtimes - and just plain old structure. Nothing extreme or out of the ordinary. Just normal House Rules.
I feel like they thought I was just temporary - that I would someday go away. Now it's official that I won't.. or at least for now it is.
I'm so afraid that if they protest and complain - even possibly threaten to "go live with mom" if he marries me, that he will give in to them.. Not that he has given me any indication that he is that shallow, but the fear lingers in the back of my mind. Which is making me really not like these kids and I don't want that...
How do I overcome this?
They haven't threatened it
They haven't threatened it yet - over this topic, but have over others (rules, bedtimes, etc.).. So I can totally see them dropping this on us over this topic as well.
My FDH was very supportive and firm with them when we told them, but they are relentless when they want their way. For right now, they are pissed, but not overly vocal about it.. I predict that once they go back to their moms for the week they will come back with horrible attitudes.. or we may even get an email from their mom saying they don't want to come back. They are extremely manipulative. Their mother will only add fuel to the fire too.. she hates me.
So, yea.. it's gonna be a battle.
No worries..
No worries..
First of all,
First of all, congratulations!!! How exciting for you. I'm sorry that your skids are ruining it for you. They sound like my skids, who have never been conditioned to put anyone else before them. Hell - at least PRETEND to be happy, ya know?! They probably open gifts and tell you how much they hate them too, right?
My skids did the same thing. I think they thought I would "go away" eventually. In fact, the BM told them all the time that I was temporary... even after years. lol. I think it also concreted for them the fact that their mom & dad were never getting back together (as unrealistic as that was).
My SDs were miserable brats when they found out we were engaged... and then we eloped 7 days later so that we didn't have to put up with their BS. They were REALLY pissed then. If possible, try to get married quick. Eloping was amazing. There was no time for the drama and protesting. Once it was done, it was done. They couldn't argue with our decision... and they realized I was permanent. They don't like it... but they don't like ANYTHING.
I would elope in a
I would elope in a nano-second.. but we already have set a tenative date and told the kiddos we want them to be a part of the wedding (in hopes that this might make it easier for them to buy into the idea)...
I don't get it? Why are we viewed as only temporary? Why is their mother allowed to run off and get married to a man after 4 months of dating and him cheating on her (once while dating and once while married) and they could care less.. but dad proposes to a woman who has built her life around him and his kids for the past 4 years, been faithful and she gets crapped on?
I am trying SOOOOOOO hard not to take this personally.. but how can I not?
If you don't mind me asking..
If you don't mind me asking.. how old are/were they? And did they outright say they didn't want you to get married? Or do anything to try to sabotage the wedding?
When BF and I get married his
When BF and I get married his brat will NOT be there or know anything about it...and BF understands/accepts that. He knows how I feel about his son and I want NOTHING to do with him EVER especially on OUR DAY!!!
Fuck these damn skids...why should we EVER try/have to please them for anyways....all that matters is that the man we are marrying loves, supports, respects, etc. us so FUCK THEM...BM included!!!!
I would seriously rethink
I would seriously rethink that. Or read about the stepweddings on these boards. The whole event will become a SKID Extravaganza. Your inlaws will think you're evil for every single decision you make that doesn't revolve around the skids. Your DH will have guilty daddy complex and want to make them feel like they are running the show. Hell, they might even throw a temper tantrum during your vows. One poster's ADULT SD did this - complete with LOUD waterworks.
A year ago, I told DH that we could go somewhere for a destination wedding and just have the 3 skids there. HAHAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA. Omg. These boards made me totally rethink it ALL. I absolutely didn't want them to be ANY part of it. The only reasonable solution was eloping. If we invited the inlaws, they would have had VERY strong opinions about us NOT inviting their precious grandchildren. Ugh.
We eloped... it was GREAT. It was all about us and our marriage. Wedding planning is crazy enough... adding crazy kids and BMs to it just makes it worse.
Yep, they are all happy about
Yep, they are all happy about mama getting married because she deserves to be happy.. But dear ol' dad wantes to be happy too and it's the end of the world for them.
I really tried to explain to them that after 4 years of dating it just was the right thing to do.. and that someday they will understand that more themselves.. Nope. They didn't want to hear it.
Wow.. talk about a reality
Wow.. talk about a reality check.
Yea, maybe I won't include them in the wedding after all. Maybe we will get married somplace alone and do a family get away with everyone.. that way they won't spoil it.
I can totally see them ruining it. Especially the younger one.. he has some major issues.
Ugh.. I just love how kids can ruin something that is supposed to be special and memorable.
My SK's were 11 when DH and I
My SK's were 11 when DH and I got engaged. We had dated for a year, then were engaged for a year before we actually got married.
Things were OK before we got engaged -- not great, but they were at least somewhat decent to me. But it was weird that all of a sudden one day (weeks after I had been wearing a diamond ring) one of the SK's asked if that was an engagement ring. My DH said yes and it was like the lights went out. From then on, it's been less than fun.
Note that this happened only days after BM asked my DH's mom if we were engaged... so I have to kinda wonder if she had any input into their reactions/behaviors.
And just like you, the BM quickly married someone she had met (actually it was the SECOND marriage after divorcing DH) not too long after DH and I started dating. They're OK with the stepdad, but not OK with me. Reason they gave DH for that: BM doesn't work, so they saw stepdad as bringing more $$ into the household. They viewed me as TAKING AWAY $$ (even though I have a successful career, was doing very well on my own raising 2 kids by myself, and actually bring home 2 1/2 times what my DH does on a weekly basis after CS is taken out). Now, how 11 year olds (at the time) thought that thru on their own is beyond me, I'm guessing it was not "original thought" on their part as in... someone else planted that little weed in their brains.
I think part of it is the same thing(s) you cited -- I brought with me not only my children, but the rules/expectations/accountabilities I had had for them when I was single. Prior to that, my DH had been an uber Disney Dad for NINE years, just him and "the boyz".. except for a short period of time where he was involved with someone who finally gave up and left the scene (thanks to BM).
I too think SK's thought this was temporary just as the prior relationship they knew about was. But here we are, getting ready to celebrate our 6th anniversary.
Oh, and DH and I took off and got married all by ourselves -- no kids, no skids, nobody (except his parents who flew to the same destination to surprise us).
OMG.. did you just say they
OMG.. did you just say they he referred to them and himself as him and the "BOYZ".. That right there is like nails on a chalkboard to me.. I have heard so many "when it was just us BOYZ" remarks over the past two years that seriously.. I wanna scream.
I am so sick of being villianized just because I represent a NORMAL HOUSEHOLD with NORMAL RULES and NORMAL EXPECTATIONS..
Just like yours, my BM is evil and wants to drive me off.. it's a long story, but she absolutely hates me and vice versa. But what's to like about a 43 year old woman who is a swinger and puts hubby number 3 ahead of everything including her kids..? Not much to like there, especially when you are an absolutely family oriented responsible parent..
Ughhh...
Elope to someplace beautiful!
Elope to someplace beautiful! It is nobody's business what you do. It isn't anyone elses' place to control your lives. They all need to butt out! Don't let anyone have a toehold in your plans, never doubt that they will ruin it if they can for you. If the skids want to try emotional blackmail, I hope they are sent to their mother, maybe it would be good for them. If they are allowed to dictate to you even once, they will never stop. Your SO can't allow that to happen. Detach from these skids and keep them at arms reach! If the In-laws act out, detach from them also! Make it clear to everyone right from the start who calls the shots. And if your SO won't back you, maybe you shouldn't marry him?
Congratulations and Best Wishes!
Wow, sounds like my SD14's
Wow, sounds like my SD14's reaction when we got engaged...
CONGRATULATIONS, firstly. Second, ask them exactly what is going to change by the two of you getting married? How does that affect their lives being as how you've already been living together like a married couple anyway! This is what we said to SD when she pitched a fit. She didn't have a valid answer for her tirade other than "I don't WANT you to get married".
When getting ready to plan the wedding, tell them if they aren't going to support you, they won't be included. PERIOD. And stick to it. We ended up going off to another state and having a small intimate ceremony on a beach with my DH's best friends only. When we did come back to Denver to have our reception, SD wasn't invited because she was livid over us getting married even though we had lived together for a year and were engaged for over 6 mos after that. Oh well. Such is life. She missed out on a great time.
Again, congratulations and I hope everything works out well for you!
You don't overcome this.
You don't overcome this. SK's were the same way with us. SD is out of our lives except for the occasional lunch with DH. SS got over it, but she never did. Don't make excuses, just go on with your lives. Also, do not include them in the ceremony. That was a big mistake for me....
Congratulations!! What you
Congratulations!!
What you are going through is exactly what I am afraid of. I have lived with my man for almost 2 years, and we have his kids 50/50. I think we both sorta dread...or at least avoid and kinda put off ... our eventual engagement/marriage, because we both fear what it will do to the kids, my relationship with them , and what kind of backlash will be put on everyone by the BM. Many people feel like we should do it already, but I feel like there is no real rush until we feel compelled.
Good luck on your relationship and wedding planning. I know I would want his kids involved....but if they were already showing anger, etc. about the wedding, it might be better to do it without them. It's your special day, and It would be so sad to have it ruined, or even tarnished at all by the inclusion of anyone...even his kids. So sad that this situation exists for you....and for so many.
Hugs....just try to enjoy your wonderful news.
My sister had an dress
My sister had an dress identical to her wedding dress made for her SD (11 at the time) for the wedding. SD walked down the aisle like a bridesmaid and stood next to my sister and BIL. There were so many eyes on the SD, my sis kind of got forgotten in the mix.
Things were okay until my sister and BIL left for their honeymoon. As they were getting into the car, sis's SD pitched a huge fit. Screaming, crying and carrying on. My sister was confused and in tears.
I had DH's kid be part of our wedding as well. You'd think I would have learned from my sister's experience. She was fricking horrible.
Don't make your wedding a family affair. It's a commitment between 2 people. Not 3 or more.