Need advice about what happened tonight!

Forums:

Sorry for the couple of posts but I just found this forum and it could not have been a better time!

My stepdaughter(12) arrived from summer camp very sun burned. I asked if she had sunscreen and she said no they did not put any on her. My dh apparently checked off a thing indicating that they are to provide it. I told him in front of her that he must talk to them when he drops her off in the morning and inquire as to why they did not and make sure they put it on her. He says in front of her, she can ask because he has confidence she can handle it herself being 12. I don't agree at all and would definitely inquire at the very least since you're paying for a camp. At any rate, later that night the daughter tells her mom over the phone about it and she texts my dh.
When he came home I asked if it was resolved and if had sunscreen. He replied that he spoke with them about it today. I was a bit surprised since he was adamant about his daughter owning it. So I asked why. He said the mother told him to talk to them.

I'm actually really upset about this. He listens to her and not me over something so minuscule like this? I, too, am a parent. I don't know why I'm so upset about this but I feel like he's taking her advice over mine just because it came from her. I'm a mother as well so its not like i'm just acting like I know it all.

Would you be upset? How should i handle other times when I know this will happen again?

Thanks for your reply. Not

Thanks for your reply. Not upset that he wants her to own it. More upset that he listened to the ex over me. I do think kids get busy at camp and may not remember to ask for it which could cause injury to the child. I wouldn't call it babying. I'd call it making sure my kid is ok. Plenty of other times to encourage responsibility but in my opinion not when it comes down to health or safety issuss.

DH listened to the MOTHER of

DH listened to the MOTHER of the child.

I also can completely relate.

I also can completely relate. As an experienced SUCCESSFUL parent, I was always aghast that Chef "had to call the Girhippo" (TM) for every.little.thing.

One time he actually called for her advice on CHILDREN'S TYLENOL DOSAGE. The damn instructions were right there on the BOTTTLE. Last time I checked he could READ or ASK ME.

NOPE!

He actually called the Girhippo in the interest of "co-parenting." Yep. That did him a lot of good. Let me tell you the favour was NOT returned. The Girhippo would NEVER tell Chef about anything going on medically. Not even anything that was semi-major (that usually turned out to be all about nothing)

I'd have to use a computer to calculate how many times Chef ignored my advice and went seeking the MOTY Girhippo's advice. The excuse was usually "but MY kids are a DIFFERENT CASE/SPECIAL!!!!"

Oh yeah, they're special alright. Specially PASed out and Specially enmeshed with mommykins.

On the sunburn issue--all three of Chef's kids are GHOSTLY pale/fair. Red heads with sheet white skin. I used to put sunblock on all three of them. Then I got the "how dare you do that; thewe are OUT kids!!" from both the Gir AND Chef.

So I said F it. I'm medium complected with olive undertones so I'm not worried about putting 50+SPF on. Chef is not quite as fair as his children but sizzles in the sun every year until his upper body turns reddish brown. One time he did not put sunblock on the three skids and they got a quite a bit of sunburn.

HOO BOY was the Gir EVER ANGRY at Chef for "bad parenting." (Pot calling Kettle on line one)

sd12 has a mother and a

sd12 has a mother and a father, two functional parents, let them do the bulk of the parenting. He will be co-parenting with her for many years to come. I'm of the opinion that step parents are a support for their spouse in the parenting role and should not take on disciplining or ultimate responsibility for the child. Unless sd12 has a mental disability then she is old enough to apply/remember her own sunscreen. A sunburn is a natural consequence and she'll eventually learn.

Sit back and relax, let DH parent. Support him, give input if you must but then step back. He'll make mistakes, he's human.

*

Why are You even comparing

Why are You even comparing yourself to his ex?? You are his wife now, she is history. You are the one who already won by having him to be your husband and to share life with YOU! And that is the true importance of each one of you for him. I mean, why do you feel threatened by her in this way that you are choosing to understand the situation as if your husband are picking sides by listening to one of you two women who advised him? Your advice was the same.So her advice ,coming after yours, was only confirmation of your wisdom
What if that ''other'' advice was from his sister or mom, for example. Would you feel the same way about it?

He is just a man - and he is not even seeing that side of the story that shakes your ego that much. He is your man, not hers. After all, how do you know that he didn't act on the subject finally by actually listening to you and not really her? Maybe he did just that -listened to you- and she was the one being used in a moment as a reminder or confirmation that he should listen to you? All you know he could of said to her: yeah ,my wife already told me that advice Anyways, you should not be upset over her and not even pay attention to who said what first and whose words were more important to him- all three of you adults should be taking care of that child in your own ways (and not trying to win the imaginary power battles over him between yourself just for sake of your egos). It's not about you and her, it's about the child's sake.
You are a step mom in case of that child, and you should be just that - step mom. You should not be angry if he asks her about her opinion too- she is that girl's mom and two of them are parents to that child and making decisions together. So, maybe he didn't ask her for advice - maybe he just listened to you and told her what he is about to do for their child's sake.
Your care for the kid is honest and nice, but you should not be bothered even if their mutual decision is contrary to your advice in some cases. It's up to them as her parents.
I think that both of you told him the same advice for obvious reason - kid needed him to act on that matter. And it's only natural that both of you said the same thing. It does not matter who said it first and it is not important who was he listening to. I think, he listened to both of you (after all you both said same thing) - cause he is a man and ,as we all know, they often don't bother to think at all about many all the little subliminal things we girls find important and urgent. He is just a human.
And he is your human now. And your power is in that very fact - he is yours now ! And you should be his support as his wife. Don't try to be more important than her cause to him you already are - you are his wife sharing life with him. His parenting to their child is really his business. We, the step moms, are more like godmother fairies. So, don't let that get you too much.
And, yeah, sit back and relax. And don't loose your self-confidence by giving much thought or energy to such trivial things - that can eat you up from the inside. The world is yours,darling! Relax and smile. He did what he was supposed to do for his offspring. And he probably wouldn't do it at all if you were not the first to speak to him about that matter and make it obvious. Enjoy your life with Your husband and save your energy for more important persons in your life.

My BD is almost 13 and has

My BD is almost 13 and has fair skin. She is fully capable of remembering and putting on sunscreen. If she didn't have access because DH thought the camp was providing it, I'd simply give her some to bring the next day and tell her she better remember to put it on a few times throughout the day. If she doesn't, her consequence is a bad sunburn. One or two of those and you can bet she will remember the sunscreen.

Sunscreen is a daily hygiene product for the fair skinned. A 12 year old can brush her teeth, take a bath and change feminine products without reminders, why is she not expected to remember to apply sunscreen??

Wow, I'm not even going to

Wow, I'm not even going to read past the first few comments... the hatred and vitriol the users on this site spew makes me sick. Jennahju, of course your husband should have listened to you. You had a good point that your husband should bring this up at camp himself. All the comments about her being the "MOTHER" make me wonder about bitter bio moms stalking the site... You are the wife, and in fact, you even have the right to get custody of the child if your husband or the bio mom are found unfit...my point is that you are an important person in the child's life and your husband should have shown you respect and listened to you, not the ex wife. I'm sorry that you were treated like this on this site.