Am I wrong? Step sibling and biological child socialization
My daughter is 11 and lives with us full-time. My husbands daughter is 12 and visits from out of state throughout the year. My stepdaughter is here visiting us for a couple of weeks. My daughter has been invited to a few playdates with her friends to connect over the summer before school starts. The parents inviting know that my stepdaughter is visiting but did not invite. My daughter wants her own time with her friends without her step sister with her. I told my husband that my daughter wants to go visit her friends before school starts and that we should make plans for his daughter to do something else. He's very upset with me saying that I'm leaving her out and that she needs to be included in everything. He said that I should ask the parents to invite her and if they can't include her then I need to tell my daughter not to go. He said he would do this if the tables were turned.
If I do something that drastic, my daughter will resent her and then problems with their good relationship will arise. My argument is that my daughter needs to see her friends a couple of times and that most of the time is spent with his daughter. I'm not being malicious in not including her, but he's taking it to the extreme. I cannot impose another child onto someone else. I feel its rude to ask someone if she can come along. I also respect my daughter's feelings and wishes to include her. I told my husband that his daughter has this back with her mother so its not something hurtful. I told him that's reality of divorce and blended families. They have different lives.
At any rate, I cannot wait till she leaves because she's here up until my daughter starts middle school. My daughter hasnt seen her friends at all this summer since she was with her father back in another state and with me visiting back home for the majority of the summer. So that is not an option. I also argued that it may hurt her to go since the girls know each other and she may feel left out. He seems to disagree.
Is this a weird concern or ask? Am I being to overly protective or do my reasons have substance? Would love feedback from others going through this!
Thanks
You are not wrong. It is
You are not wrong. It is perfectly ok for your daughter to see her friends without her stepsister. Since the stepsister does not even live in the same state, she wouldn't be seeing your daughter's friends on a regular basis anyway.
Your daughter has not been able to see her friends all summer so it is perfectly reasonable for her to see them now.
While your daughter is seeing her friends, DH can spend some one-on-one time with his daughter!
My SS and DD are only 10
My SS and DD are only 10 months apart in age. Her friends are hers and his are his. That he has none is not my daughters problem. My SO has never tried to make my daughter share her friends.
Your spouse is being unreasonable. Even if these were biological sisters living together, you could not expect them to share their social circles.
No, SD doesn't need to be
No, SD doesn't need to be included in DD'S plans with friends. I think it is rude to ask to invite another child that wasn't invited. SD doesn't know your DD'S friends, it's like a random outing with strangers for SD. Even full blood siblings close in age have their own friends and social circle.
THIS Since SD isn't there
THIS
Since SD isn't there year round, I can understand your husband's point. The girl is only there for a few weeks. Which means your daughter and her friends have all year to hang out together. I'm sure if your daughter had one of her cousins over, including her wouldn't be a problem.
At the end of the day, your husband can't force the others go invite his kid. She will have to accept not being invited.
Don't be surprised if your husband, his family and/or SD decide to start excluding you and/or your kid from things. They will be able yo use the sane argument.
These are too close in age for this.
These are 11 and 12 year old
These are 11 and 12 year old girls. They only want their friend, not some random kid they barely know. This isn't 3 and 4 year olds on a play date who will play with any similar aged child who shows up. I will go a step further and tell you, if you allow this, your daughter will be excluded in the future. Or at best, exc.uded when SD is visiting.
My daughter has a friend like this, the girl is a twin and her sister is a terror. No friends at all. But the mom always always drops off both when only one is invited. I get they are twins and when they were younger it was understandable. They are 12 and the twin with friends has had an extremely limited social life. She has friends via school and Skype. It is sad.
I can see both sides but the
I can see both sides but the bottom line is that your SD is there to visit her dad, not an invited guest of your daughter or a cousin who has come to stay with HER. Your daughter should be able to do her own thing with her friends if she wants to.
They don't have to be joined at the hip.
Your not wrong, SD should
Your not wrong, SD should have arrangements made to do something else if your going to be with your daughter at play dates.
She should not be forced to include SD with her friends events.
I had a similar event happen when DD was 9 and SD was 6.
SD wanted to be included in DD's sleep over birthday party and hang out with her friends when they came over, we tried it once...TILL SD had her next party and put up a HUGE STINK! that she DID NOT want DD included even though DD when out of her way at her last event to include SD.
We have since put a STOP to having to play nice and include the other girl. Parties and friends over are now a private event that doesn't include the other child.
You can't force that dynamic
You can't force that dynamic even with bio siblings. All of my kids have their own friend sets.
Let dd11 go off with her friends and have fun but also do family things with both girls together. Encourage sd12 to go to camp, take classes, volunteer etc to make her own set of friends.
If they lived together full
If they lived together full time, they still wouldn't have the same friends and go to the same friends houses.
Our kids are pretty close in age DD13, DS7, SD10 and SD7 when the SDs are here for the summer and DS is invited to go play at a friend's house, it is not even an option to invite the SDs also. DD spends most of her time at BDs when the SDs are here, so we don't have a problem there yet. The only time I ask if it is ok if the SDs go is if it is something like a birthday party. Then if the parent says no, they don't go. It doesn't stop DS from going.
It seems weird to me that just because one child is friends with someone that the other one has to be friends with them too. Forcing SD to be allowed to go will almost certainly turn into the other girls excluding the 'outsider'. Tween/teen girls are not very nice when they are in groups.
We have hosted. Its usually
We have hosted. Its usually my daughter and her friends playing and talking about stuff that my stepdaughter is not up to date with. And poor thing is kinda off to the side until I get them engaged together. I've told her friends parents that she's here and nobody offered to invite her. Not much I can do there.
It's more than one. And its a
It's more than one. And its a sense of entitlement that I don't see necessary. I would never expect my daughter to be included when visiting her. I would never want to impose. Perhaps its just my personality. But I think if she tags along to every playdate my daughter goes on, then friction and issues between them may arise. We've had joint playdates but this was me inviting people over.
Would you be OK with your
Would you be OK with your and/or his family members planning stuff to do stuff with his daughter and not inviting your daughter?
Since the kid isn't around that often, I can see dad and his family wanting to spend time with just her.
What 12 year old goes on
What 12 year old goes on "play dates"? Plus it is rude as hell to ask someone to include another person in their plans - doesn't matter whether the person is 4 or 84.
It would be "excluding" the skid if the OP's bio child was planning the event. The OP's bio child has zero obligation to entertain the skid.
Thanks for the comments. I
Thanks for the comments. I see the majority agree with my thoughts. I feel bad, but I will not impose on anyone. There is actually a deeper seeded issue with my husband. He is making an adult problem, while the daughter would be content spending much needed time with her father. I don't think a 2 hour playdate with someone will break her heart. She has that with her mother. And 99 percent of the time we are doing things as a family. My daughter needs her space considering she spent 2 months with her father out of state and wants to hang out with her friends.
Is ther ever a time when your
Is ther ever a time when your kid is the one who is excluded? If not, then I can understand where your husband is coming from. He can force them to include his kid, but I get why it bothers him.
My sister and I are 10.5
My sister and I are 10.5 months apart and we didn't have the same friends. A handful were the same from the neighborhood, but the ones we picked ourselves were different. We were complete opposites. I would never invite a sibling to go along. My kids are 19 months apart and it's the same with them. Some similar friends, some sibling friends, but if they are going to a friend's house or an outing, I take that opportunity to spend time with the other child. Dh is being overly sensitive at the thought of sd feeling left out, and sd probably didn't even given it a thought.