I live in absolute misery because of my step-son
So this is my first post. I am so happy I found this site and that there are others out there having the same issues that I am.
Anyway, so here's a brief look at the hell I live. Me and dh have been married for a year now and together for 2. I have three daughters from previous relationships and he has three kids from previous marriages. His two older kids we don't see hardly ever - THANK GOD but his youngest, a two year old boy, we get for two weeks at a time every two weeks and that's how it's been since he was 7 months old. Honestly I know the kid is only 2 but I can't stand him, I hate it when he's here. He is the whiniest, most aggressive, destructive little monster I have ever dealt with, I don't even like it when he looks at me. When we have him my life is miserable, when he's not here I obsess over when he'll return and don't really enjoy that time either. To make it worst I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant and terrified at the thought of having my new baby to take care of on top of the worlds worst toddler who is probably going to end up being way more work than the new born.
On top of that my dh does nothing with this kid AT ALL. It's me and my girls that take care of him. Wait that's a lie dh changed his diaper this morning - I couldn't believe it I thought I was still dreaming but no it really happened. I hate his lack of involvement so much and have addressed this issue with him several times resulting in arguments where he claims I hate his kid blah, blah, blah. After the arguments he'll angrily do things with him for like a day than get over it and once again leave ALL the work to me and my girls. I'm not the one that made this evil child I in no way should be the one doing all the parenting. It's gotten to the point now where I do the drop-off and pick-up, I do the dr visits, I discuss things with bio-mom, I do all the things I do or would do with my own children only I do it very unhappily. It's me and her raising and parenting this kid and I really don't think it's fair at all, in fact I freakin hate it. My husband is a great provider and husband but a really lousy father.
When we first found out I was pregnant (birth control baby) I asked dh if the little brats mom can keep him for a whole month so I can enjoy my new baby without having to deal with the spawn of satin and he was all for it - not anymore he doesn't want her to have something she would like....how mature right? Okay so then I brought up that it would be nice if we let bio mom have the kid for an extra week since the way the visitation falls we will the little monster for his 2nd birthday (aug 17th). We had him on his first and I thought it would be nice if she got him for his 2nd, dh thought that was a great idea. But then this afternoon before leaving for work he told me not to offer the mom the extra week he changed his mind. I'm returning him to her tonight and I was supposed to be free of him for three weeks but in an instant that was taken away, I have actually been crying about it - I know how pathetic.
I've given up on the fantasy that I will ever love this child or even like him - maybe if he can become normal instead of this horrible, rotten demand that makes my life miserable I'll be able to tolerate him. I would love to find a way to force my husband to at least help with HIS SON. I know he works and since I don't it's only fair that I take care of him while dh is at work but when he's home I think he should be doing just as much as I do with this kid instead of playing on the computer or going out all day to play golf. I don't know how to talk to him in way where I'm not attacking him (never works out well) and also where it doesn't come across that I resent his monster son. UGH, this is such a difficult situation. Thanks for letting me vent, expect more of those especially after the new baby's born where I'll probably being hating life even more.
I would def take things into
I would def take things into my own hands. He doesnt want to give up his son, then you give up his son. If not by directly talking to BM, then disappear to relatives and leave him wondering what to do for awhile.
SADLY, i think your anger at your SS is misplaced from the anger your feeling towards your H for his noninvolvement.
I have actually thought about
I have actually thought about going to my mom's for a little while but really that wouldn't work, she lives out of state as with all my family and with my girls starting school soon it just wouldn't work since they would obviously come with me. Anyway my three adult sisters and 1 year old nephew live with my mom so it would probably be more stressful there than here.
With the suggestion that I just talk to biomom about keeping the kid longer, I totally would and she would love to but there is a little bit more to this than I originally mentioned mainly just to keep it brief. Anyway, dh and biomom are currently going through a custody battle. In January of this year, during biomom's two week visit she was hospitalized for having a bipolar manic episode and social services had to step in and take the kid until dh got there. So with biomom having this mental disorder and unfortunately cycling on and off her meds the kid's safety could be at risk. Dh went to court for primary custody, he was made the primary custodial parent and the courts kept the visitation at two weeks at a time. On aug 11th they have their final hearing where my dh is going for full physical custody. If I were to tell biomom to keep the kid longer than it would show the courts that she can be trusted and dh doesn't want that besides I don't think it's my place to say anything like that anyway. There may be some hope, after talking to dh about this last night he did say that if the courts keep things the way they are (which I don't see why she would lose her visits now if she didn't already) then he will allow her to keep the kid for an extra week but that's it. Better than nothing I guess.
"SADLY, i think your anger at your SS is misplaced from the anger your feeling towards your H for his noninvolvement."
I can totally see how you would think that and I have thought long and hard if my feeling towards my ss were for that very same reason. Well they're not, although I am really annoyed that dh doesn't parent this kid hardly at all the reality is that this child really is a nightmare. The things I wrote about him are 100% accurate. He's overly violent towards my girls which is scary with a new baby coming, he's incredibly destructive, at 18 months old he destroyed his crib it's insane, and he has no sense of independence, he will not play alone he's either up my up butt constantly or driving my girls crazy. The child is difficult and a lot of work and since he doesn't talk he cries and whines for everything. It's more than just being 2 he really is a rotten kid and his misbehaving never ends. Nap and bedtime are horrible he will stand in his room and scream at the top of his lungs while throwing himself against the door and this goes on EVERY TIME.
This is a horrible schedule,
This is a horrible schedule, IMO, for a not even 2 year old-especially considering you've been doing it since he was 7 months old. My guess is that this child is developing attachment issues which causes the behavior problems. Kids cry and act out for a reason, he is having some sort of unmet need and my guess is that it is for love and security here. His bm is his primary attachement figure and she is being repeatedly removed from his life for 2 weeks at a time over and over again. He is too young to even understand this "schedule" and if he will see her again. The years between 0-3 are critical in learning how to have relationships, learning how to regulate your emotions, and developing morals and a conscience. A child must feel secure in his attachments in order for these things to occur. Can't you do a few days on and a few days off? If you continue with this schedule AND your dh continues to spend little time with him AND you dont have a loving, attached bond with this child I can almost guarantee you that this child's behavior will continue to get worse. Yes, a week extra with bm would be a nice break for you but it will not fix the underlying problem. I would speak to dh ASAP about changing the schedule-he needs to read some attachment literature (although sounds like he would never do that if he wont even spend time with his child)but he is damaging him with your current arrangement.
If he will not change the schedule or his own noninvolvement, frankly, I'd leave. This is going to be a nightmare. These kids are often violent and you are bringing a baby into the mix. Not good.
I couldn't agree more, I know
I couldn't agree more, I know the schedule is unfair to the kid I have talked with dh about it several times. I'm sure the rotten behavior is due to a lack of stability. Before biomoms episode in January the two of them actually came to an agreement to change the visitation to a normal every other weekend with us deal but before that was ever set into place she was committed resulting in the courts deeming her unfit to be the primary custodial parent and being unable to spend more than a two week period of time alone with him.
Neither her nor my dh or willing to budge at this point on the visitation. I know that if we were given the child primarily there could possibly be an improvement in his behavior but biomom won't go for that and dh won't allow my ss to reside with her primarily. Also, doing a couple days here and couple days there wouldn't work we live over 3.5 hours away from each other.
The kid isn't unhappy here in fact he loves being here and gets all excited when I pick him up, he's not treated badly by any means by any of us, and he adores my girls and they love him - when he's not hitting them with things. But really I just don't like the kid being here, he annoys me, drives me crazy and makes me miserable but I am aware that he is young so I in no way push him away I take care of him like I do my own kids, I give him hugs and tell him I love him but deep down I'm just counting down the days until he goes back to his mother's. It's like you said on my part there is a lack of a loving bond for him - basically he's not my child, I have tried to bond with him I just can't it's awesome for those who can but I'm just not one of those people.