Help PLEASE!!!
I have 3 bd (17, 15, 13), 1 ss (22) & 1 sd (18). Dh allows ss & sd to WALK.ALL.OVER.HIM.! More sd than ss, but both really. She moved out of our house about a week after we got married and ended up pregnant. Was allowed to drop out of school and get married at 17. He literally can NOT tell her "no". About anything. Just this past week she, her husband, and baby spent the night at our house because "she misses being at home". 1. She lives 20 minutes from us. 2. SHE MOVED OUT ON HER OWN!!! It would be different (maybe) if she had ANYTHING to do with me or my kids, but she doesn't. Believe me, I have bent over backwards (bought her maternity clothes for no reason, showered baby with random gifts, randomly text to "check-in" on her, etc), but it's obvious to anyone around (EXCEPT HIM) that she wants nothing to do with me. He pays half their bills, gives her money all the time, and drops EVERYTHING the second she calls or texts. Don't get me wrong, I want him to be there for his kids, but he's literally treating her like she's still a 2yr old. she sucks up to him long enough to get whatever it is she wants and then he'll barely hear from her until the next thing comes along. She plays him. And he thinks she's an ANGEL. Don't get me wrong, I am the FIRST person to tell you when my own kids are in the wrong or being brats, so it's not that I think mine are perfect and his aren't. I make mine be responsible for their actions and he doesn't. AT ALL. I'm having a hard time wondering if this is normal and maybe I'm overreacting and should just let it go or if I'm validated in thinking he needs to grow some and stop babying her??
You are right, this is not
You are right, this is not normal (in the real world normal family context) It is however pretty normal for dads and their princess COD's.
It seems that most divorced fathers have a huge problem knowing how to be real parents to their poor widdle babies. The majority of them want to coddle and do everything and never teach their children to take responsibility for any aspect of their lives. These dads don't seem to understand that teaching responsibility starts from a young age and grows as the child does so that we create capable, considerate, independent adults.
So what do I do??
So what do I do??
He's not still sucking from
He's not still sucking from their wallets and you're right, I have some answers to get. Thanks.
You're right. I just needed
You're right. I just needed to hear I wasn't being unreasonable. He's agreed we have different parenting styles, but I think this is more than just a minor difference of opinions. Guess I have some answers to get and decisions to make. Thanks for reassuring me that I'm not completely crazy.
You're not crazy, but you
You're not crazy, but you married into it.
The are posters on this site whose DHs have nothing to retire on - bled dry by their kids. One poster, ruby55, has adult skids who have embezzled money from the family business but her husband refuses to seek recourse. These same skids didn't even bother to see him while he was hospitalized for an organ transplant! Another poster has a SD who is a junkie, and a medically disabled DH who keeps giving the addict money while SM works and struggles to pay the bills.
Your DH is doing his daughter no favors. She is an adult and a parent, and he should be focusing on teaching her to be independent. You need to sit down with him and draw some financial and household boundaries. And if he won't work with you on this, then you need to consider an exit strategy. Men like this are either capable of change or not, so hopefully you can make him see the error of his ways.
I agree with echo and tog. He
I agree with echo and tog. He isn't helping. He hasn't done a very good job on this one and that's obvious because he let her quit school. Damn! And because it's your STEP daughter, you have no say, all the talking to and boundary setting has to be done by him. Feelings will be hurt and ruffled feathers will happen, if he will even talk to her. Marriage comes first, his reaction will tell you what you need to do next.
I told him straight up she
I told him straight up she shouldn't quit school. Too bad if "people are talking and looking down at her". SHE did this. (She HAD birth control, she CHOSE not to use it. You'll never convince me she wasn't hoping to get pregnant.) I even told him about 2 weeks prior to her telling us she was pregnant that BDs told me she told the she wasn't taking pills and that he needed to talk to her and get her on the shot or something. Of course he "talked" to her and he came back to me assuring me that she wasn't doing anything she needed to pills for. Ummm... Ok. I don't think they should have gotten married either. When I asked why, I was told "she wants all 3 of them to have the same last name when the baby is born". Yeah, THAT'S a reason. I suggested they wait (had only been dating 3 months when she got pregnant) and it was like I suggested we cut off her arm or something. I don't see it lasting and DH doesn't either, tho he'd never admit that to his princess. It's literally like he is afraid to upset her at all about anything. Which is CRAZY because he has NO PROBLEM hurting my feelings or with me being upset with him. I just don't get it. I make my BDs upset all the freaking time. Guess what, THEY STILL LOVE ME!!! One of the other things we are going to talk about tonight is how our parenting styles differ and how we can include each other in parental decisions and DISCUSS situations BEFORE decisions are made. I really try to see both sides and try to put myself in his shoes and try to figure out what I would do if it were one of mine acting this way and I just keep coming back to I would BEAT HER DOWN (ok don't call cps, I have never and will never ACTUALLY beat my children, it's a figure of speech.). At some point he HAS to make her stand on her own feet and be responsible for her actions. THAT is where we differ. I'm all for being there as a safety net IF NEEDED, but I DO NOT and WILL NOT ever understand bailing them out and coddling them their whole lives. If that makes me a bad mom, well then I guess I'm just a bad mom.
I had a very similar
I had a very similar situation but it happened prior to DH and I getting married. SD30 is a horrible person. She is a lying, manipulative, selfish, entitled, money hungry brat. She makes one horrible decision after the next. I watched her use her father and treat him like garbage. She held DH as well as the rest of the family hostage as she is a poor widdle COD who has had just so many bad things happen to her and she needs to be coddled as she has "mental problems". Of course we all have to bow to the princess because we just can't risk her getting upset because she might hurt herself. Despite having mental problems, this girl is very smart and knows how to use her issues to get what she wants.
I made the mistake of trying to point out to my DH just how spoiled and nasty she is and that she was just using him for his money. I dared to tell princess brat that she was a spoiled brat one night while on the phone. She had sent me this weird email that described how she felt DH wasn't a good father, didn't care for her enough financially during her whole life, and she made other very hurtful and mean comments/accusations to me about my DH. I had enough. I called her up and told her that she was a spoiled brat. Of course, princess got her widdle fee fee's hurt and she called daaadddddeeee immediately screaming and shrieking about how terrible and mean I am. Of course, despite all the bad things she said, daaaadddddeeeeee ran to her rescue. He barely spoke to me for a month. I was shocked.
I had to learn that the more I pointed out to DH what a loser his daughter was, the more he would protect and coddle her. After all, princess had mental problems so she couldn't help it and it wasn't her fault that she lied, stole and manipulated (insert eye roll with sarcasm). Once I sat back and stopped trying to show DH what a brat she was, he then started to see it for himself. I just say back and let the little bitch self destruct. I completely removed myself from the situation and only then was my DH able to see and realize how awful she was.
I suggest that maybe you try this approach if you haven't already. It really worked for me. Now the rotten little liar has been cut off financially and has been out of our lives for 2 years. It's fantastic and it's the best thing I ever did. Princess told daaaadddddeeee that she will never speak to him or see him again unless he divorces me. Sorry bitch, that's not happening.
Maybe if you approach this the way I did then things will work out for you. I know it's hard; hang in there.
You know, I just had that
You know, I just had that thought this morning while I was getting ready for work. Maybe it'll work for me the way it worked for you. I'm willing to give it a try. I just don't understand it. I mean the kid moved in with me and my kids 3 months before we got married and life was fine, but moved out the same week we got married because all of a sudden "there's not enough room" and he totally never saw that it was only because now daddy would be there every night and know how late she stayed out. He is QUICK to point out how manipulative his ex is and how much of an attention hungry liar she is, but doesn't see his little princess is her made over!! My biggest problem is I don't do fake very well and my face gives me away every single time. So when I excuse myself from their presence (like how I went straight to our room and stayed there during the "family sleepover"), it's because I can't trust myself not to say something honest that might hurt him, not because I don't want to be around them at all. I can handle small doses when she's actually being an "adult" (and I use that term loosely), but when she's playing the whiny "everyone pay attention to me cuz I'm important" and "watch, I can get whatever I want by saying "daddy" and batting my eyelashes" cards, I'm OUT and it's better for all involved if I just walk away. Happened just this weekend at lunch when "the jerk" (aka. sd hubby) was mouthing to another family member that "I'm a man and I pay all my own bills with no help, well sometimes we get help when we need it, but it's nothing significant". I coughed loudly a few times, got a dirty look from my DH and promptly excused my BDs and I and left them sitting at the restaurant. DH pays HALF your rent. EVERY MONTH. SD & baby are on DH's insurance so WE are paying hospital bills for her birth. DH leaves an hour early and gets home an hour late from work EVERY day to pick you up and take you home while SD sits at home all day not working. DH paid your electric bill just 3 days ago AND both your cell phone bills are on his plan that HE pays every month. Tell me again the definition of a man, cuz I think one of us is confused. "The jerk" drives me I-N-S-A-N-E. I can handle "princess" most days cuz really she doesn't cause waves unless she wants something and she will at least be civil at church and stuff and at least put up the appearance she cares anything about me and BDs, but "the jerk" just has this evil in his eyes I can't even explain. He makes my skin crawl, literally. And he is RUDE to everyone, even at church. Friend describes him as cocky, selfish, immature little prick about 5 minutes after meeting him and it's a PERFECT definition. DH sees it too, we've talked about his attitude, but he chalks it up to "he's so young and doing the best he can" and then STILL caters to him. DH admits he doesn't think jerk & princess will stay married long, and honestly I'm ready for that ship to sail so we can stop pretending he's the best thing since sliced bread already.
I did write down a list of things I need from DH last night and we are supposed to discuss them tonight. Things like setting boundaries with giving them money, making OUR MARRIAGE more of a priority, family sleepovers because "she misses home" are NOT ok and NEVER will be, the jerk's attitude rubbing off on him lately and how that's NOT OK, him making statements like "my kids are grown and out of the house" in one breath and then "claiming" my BD in another and how that hurts them AND me (my ex is pretty much not in the picture at all & BDs ADORE DH and just want to feel like he really accepts them as "his") (BTW, my BDs have NEVER treated him like sd & ss treat me. 1. They know better (I never pushed him on them, they weren't all "team step-dad" in the beginning, but they REALLY love him now, 2. They respect him - example: THEY went to the store, used THEIR money and bought him all kinds of Father's Day presents and even a cake. I didn't tell them to. Didn't even suggest they consider it. It was THEM on their own. I didn't even get a "happy Mother's Day" from ss & sd. Not that they HAVE to tell me that, I'm not their mom, but just the consideration is what I mean.)
Sorry, didn't mean to ramble. Just keep your fingers crossed for me that our talk tonight is productive. And thanks for sharing your experience, thoughts, and suggestions! I SEEIOUSLY appreciate it!!!