First post- help - Boyfriends daughter not accepting of engagement - how should i feel?
hi, this is my first post here -- and i need advice. 
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. He has 2 kids (4 yr old boy and 9 yr old girl). Quick background info -- their mom / his exwife, hates us. She thrives on using the kids as leverage and making our lives difficult.. we have countless court papers to prove it. 
We moved about 20 min away 6 months ago (we have been living together for 2.5 years and the kids have been part of it since - he has them a couple days a week).. Everything has been ok between us -- I also have a 13 yr old daughter, and the three kids all get along for the most part..
We have been discussing marriage and he said he wants to speak to his daughter first -- as he thinks she will be hard to get on board with this.. We know we love each other and want to be together and husband and wife -- but his daughter is the center for him i believe -- he lets his kids pretty much dictate his life. Esp. the little girl.. She is at the age where she is whines over everything, cries, and gives these "looks" if she doesn't like whats going on.. -- i am not use to this, as my daughter was actually very easy at this age and didn't give me problems or frustrations like his daughter does!!
He promised me he would be talking to his daughter (about the possibility of a wedding someday) this weekend while visiting his family in NY, and he texted me and said they were 2 min into the conversation and his daughter was extremely uncomfortable, and he didn't knonw what to do.
I told him that she is a child, and he has to answer her questions, but keep in mind that she's 9 and she doesn't (or shouldn't) have final say in his future plans, and that at 9 yrs old she can't understand the situation. He told me to "please be understanding"... Honestly, i am tired of trying to be understanding... I feel like everytime his daughter is around, she's clingy to him - whiney at everyone else, and throws a fit if she doesnt' get her way. I am tired of it.
I don't think he should be basing our future together on what his 9 yr old daughter approves of...I am really not ok in waiting til the kids are grown to get married.
He can't marry you when he
He can't marry you when he already has a mini wife.
Don't marry this moron until he decides who is the adult, and who is the child and he knows how to put his adult relationships first, where they should be.
Children are first RESPONSIBILITY, you are first PRIORITY.
No, he should not be basing
No, he should not be basing his future based on what his 9 year old thinks. For a few reasons, one of them being the fact he's a self supporting man and the other that she has no idea about life and partnership yet.
But if that's how he chooses to live, and you stick with him, you're in for a hellish marriage and terrible stress. If you're in a relationship, he shouldn't revolve it around his daughter, but if he does... Not much you can do yourself. That's all up to him.
Did he ask her permission
Did he ask her permission before you moved in together? Seriously, you have been living together 2.5 years, what's the big deal? You could have been married all this time and she wouldn't have known the difference.
I would not be "discussing" my marriage plans with a child, I would be informing the child. He is definitely giving her way too much power (and don't think she doesn't know it and don't think she won't use it, even into adulthood).
I could not be with my husband if he let his kids dictate his life. I am the only one who gets to do that.
Read around on this site and see what your life is going to look like.
First of all remember 9 year
First of all remember 9 year olds don't like anyone. Especially not anyone her momma says not to.
I agree with everyone else. Until your fdh realizes you are the priority, you're not going to be happy.
Uggggh, what a nightmare.
Uggggh, what a nightmare. I've got a similar issue with my boyfriend and his son. It's a pain. Your situation is a little more extreme and I don't think I could do it.