Hello,

I am new to this forum but have been reading for a few months as many posts as I could, whew...it's a lot, but ALL has been beneficial. Thank you!

I'm at a crossroads and need your wisdom please. Here is the situation:

My fiance has 4 adult children, that he raised on his own (divorced 8-9 yrs ago - mother walked out..while married, multiple affairs, didn't want her kids) ages range from 18-22 currently, two older girls, two younger boys. All work and the 18 will be leaving for the military. Since they are adults, I really don't see them much. The younger ones seem fine when I do see them, at least they are polite. The problem is the eldest. Anytime there is a "family" event I attend, supporting my fiance and ALWAYS respectful to his family and children, I get a 'Hey' from most but the eldest totally ignores me. Noticed lately that if I am there, she will not be in the same room as me, often just leaving the event where her siblings are begging her to stay yet she still leaves. Then she posts hateful things on her FB about her father (nothing about me, but how cruel he was when she was a small child or how he is not over her mother - um, he is over her. she is out of state, remarried, all have moved on).

My 16 yr old daughter had met his children, all seem to be fine with her except the eldest. She made it very clear the night they met that she did not like my daughter. You see, my daughter is rather petite & girly, his eldest is rather husky & not so girly. So she hates. Heck, she hates her younger sister that is smaller and girlie too. At a 'family' event that all children and their boyfriends/girlfriends/general friends were partaking, when the eldest saw that my daughter her boyfriend & I were there - my goodness - attitude. First she acted all ticked off, her father & brothers begging her to be happy, then she switched to sulking. After a couple of hours I had enough and we (daughter & her boyfriend & I) left as she made the whole event SO uncomfortable.

Fiance ALWAYS dismisses his daughter's behavior as 'she is having a bad day' or 'she is just emotional' or 'that is who she is'. It has come to my attention that she will not go to any outings if her father brings me or my daughter. In my opinion - Good. Everyone doesn't have to put up with her drama.

So here the issue: fiance is having a going away dinner for his son leaving for the military AND including his eldest with a 'see ya later' dinner since she is going to visit her mother out of state...I wouldn't do that as going in the military is a much bigger event then visiting your parent out of state, but it's his party...anyway, fiance wants me to go. My first reaction - NO. I don't want to go. It is going to be uncomfortable for everyone. Then I think, I should go to support my fiance. What do I do?

Fiance knows that I don't like his eldest and of course this is straining our relationship. I have attempted multiple times discussing with him that I have boundaries, that I do not have to subject myself to such rudeness. I am not rude to her or anyone else in the family, including the ex-wife. My child has been polite to all his family as well. All seemed to reciprocate, except the eldest. Heck I keep my children far away from this family now. If a stranger was that rude to me or my children I would have nothing to do with that person. He tells me that he has to talk with her. That she has a history of this love/hate with everyone in her life; him, her mother, her siblings. Ok, well if they all want to put up with that, that is up to them. Why would I want to put up with that? Just because she is his daughter? She is 22 yo for goodness sake - I expect her to behave like a young lady.

I have a 21 year old son who lives out of town who has never met his kids. I think that is best right now, as he does not like drama, and I already have him telling me to RUN - that the fiance's family has too much drama. I promised my son a LONG, LONG engagement - as I am really doubting I want to marry someone with so much baggage. My children's father lives in town, is remarried, and causes no issues with me or the kids (except not paying his child support). I made sure I had closure before I started dating again - isn't that what all the books say?!?

It is very disheartening. I really enjoy fiance's company and we're very happy together. Even with the other children's young adult "issues" they are not a big deal - but this one kid...whew...more than I want to deal with.

So do I go to this 'party' and deal with her yet again making a dramatic performance (of course I bite my tongue real hard NOT to say anything - like "grow up & behave like a young lady") to support the fiance or do I some how graciously decline?

Thank you in advance for any and all input!