Due to your marriage beginning with infidelity and you being equally responsible for the demise of your DH's pervious marriage and the destruction of their family I would not expect your Skids to ever accept you or respect you.

Before you were their father's wife you were his mistress. Not a notable foundation for respect or long term success regarding a relationship with your SKids.

If your marriage is to survive your DH is going to have to put his foot down with his son and address his own guilty parenting issues and demand that the boy behaves appropriately. Critical to this is for him and you to be honest with the kids about being married.

If you were to have talk with the boy and apologize for your part in the infidelity and demise his family it might be a starting point for you to participate in improving things.

Fine you had an affair with a married guy, he left his family for you....nothing you can do to change it..

The problem is your DH trying to hide everything, why not simply get it over and done and tell the kids you are married and share a room from now on. Kids will sleep in their own room...

Belief me even if you met DH years after divorce his kids still would've resented you, thus stop worrying about any of that, that will never change accept it and tell them the truth.

Simply disengage from bratty skids, if SS does not greet you do not greet him, do nothing for him, if he's nice to you you are nice back, but this is not applicable on the girl yet, she's till nice, but Hon believe me when the hormones kick in age 12 she's going to make your life a living hell, best would be not to get to attached, see them as the neighbors kids, you are not their parent and you never will be.

Work on your husband to tell his children the truth.

Get the poor kid some counselling, he is struggling. And some counselling for you and your DH. You need some professional help putting this family in place, do it sooner rather than later. Good luck.

There's a lot of mistresses showing up on here lately...was there a convention in town?

You are finding out what his ex-wife already knows: he is no prize. He is a practiced deceiver. He will manipulate whoever his wife is. She will become the person downhill and that's the direction, er, refuse rolls to and piles on.

The little girl is still nice to you because she does not understand what an affair is. The little boy turned on you because he does understand, he's figured out the two of you lied to him and used him, and that the two of you hurt his mother.

Those of us who met our spouses long after their divorces often have trouble with skids turning hostile starting with the change in status to being married. That alone, under the best of circumstances, is hard enough. But your ss has a truckload of other issues as well. I don't see you ever winning that popularity contest.

Now what I recommend you do is go to a counselor for individual therapy. Work on yourself to develop better standards for yourself including becoming a more honest person and learning to care about others and to want to be around honest, caring people as you become one yourself.

Forget about your marriage while in therapy. Work on YOU. When you have done that, you will know exactly what to do about your marriage without any advice at all.

His SS is 11, a tough time. The kids are feeling threatened with abandoned feelings, which really ought to not be the case. Like grieving a loss (see the 5 stages of grief), they're feeling similar emotions to losing a parent to you (which is unfounded, I know, but it happens a lot). Check out the stages, and know that the best thing for you is to keep the three Ps: Persistence, Patience, and Prayer. Have faith that it will work out, even if it's only through plain ol' maturity and these SKids simply outgrow being punks, LOL. Brute force won't make a plant grow any more than it will make a relationship grow. Don't force this, and don't try to do what's not your responsibility. You won over your husband, and you can win over his kids, provided that you are being the same lovable, compassionate person to them.

I'll also say it's up to your new husband to soothe the kids - not you - so don't take that on. I went through a lot of this at first, and I know it's tough. Hang in there, persevere, but also make sure you're being very civil. For me, sometimes, I felt like the kids saw me as sub-par(ent) - to which I'd address their objectionable behaviors along the line like, "When you mumble something with your head down after I say something, I feel like you're trying to hide your thoughts. Is this because you feel like your thoughts aren't worthy, or my ears are not worthy of hearing them, or something else? Please explain what you said and why you said it." I'd call them out on the spot, very kindly but firmly. So they stopped that game. After a few more times of calling out their bad behavior (not calling them out personally, but their behavior) and saying how it made me feel, then asking how it'd make them feel and asking them to explain the behavior, they were forced to come to grips with their own feelings. In the end, they gave up most of the passive-aggressive behavior, and we're onto other issues that I'm dealing with.

Trust me, with a solid effort, it'll get better over time. Remember the three Ps! And don't be afraid to disengage from them and let the kids experience some freedom to the point that dad experiences the results of the kids's freedom - dad will become a parent and he'll appreciate your position all the more.

Good luck!

As for the 3 year affair with him before you were "2 years more or less officially" together, I know there are circumstances... I met a gal on Plenty Of Fish when dating post-divorce, and she was "separated." I asked her about the status, and she said they had been separated for something like 4 or 5 years and hadn't divorced because neither could afford the legal costs. I didn't continue the relationship for a handful of reasons, but I could understand that. Now, if he was carrying on with you behind her back, that's another thing...

BTW, in TX, grounds for divorce can include not having "physical relations." My ex had cut me off for almost 4 years before I filed. I didn't cite that as the reason, as we had really gone in opposite directions, and it was only getting worse.

It's normal that you're not feeling good with him hiding your relationship. When people cheat, they usually feel guilty. Also, and I'm not judging you, people who cheat have issues with communication and problem solving. If the relationship with the wife wasn't working and he wasn't willing to solve problems, the right thing would have been to leave. If he stayed, it's because he was either not strong enough or dominated by guilt, etc. So this kind of a person isn't really equipped to solve problems in his new relationship.

And I guess that the best you can do is to try to be loving and supportive. If his problem with the ex was that she wasn't loving and you become like her, what do you think awaits you? Try to find some relationship-saving program online or do therapy. If you're loving and tell him from your heart how you feel about the situation, he might do something to change it. I'm seeing it over and over with my ex and with my H that agressivity and pushing doesn't work with men. My H was sleeping with his daughter when she was coming over. She was already 9. I wasn't jealous, but it required rearrangement and me, sleeping with my son. It was too complicated, not to mention that to me it felt a bit unhealthy. He was very defensive when I was telling him, but after some time he understood and she never slept with him again. Ask him why he does it. IN our case, the SD was scared to sleep alone, she slept with her parents all her life and at 10, she still sleeps with her mother. We put lights, bought her a teddy bear, I read stories to her and my son before sleeping and it worked. Try to be a partner, not to impose your will. I know it's hard, but that's the best you can do.

Finally, your stepkids aren't so bad. These situations are never perfect and we do need to live with some inconveniences from our partner's kids. If you are compassionate towards his son, he might come around. If his mother is unhappy, it's normal that he feels bad. One day he might understand. And you will be the "good" one if you behave like a nice person. I know it's hard, but it's like that. Disregard some things, put your foot down about others. Choose your fights.

Good luck

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