SD expecting!
Hi I feel so bad writing this, but I feel like i am getting ripped apart inside. My BF of 10 years has 2 now grown-up daughters (24 & 19) We have had lots of up's and down's over the years due to his kids and my non-acceptance of them. I did actually like them and befriended them at the beginning, but when I saw that they only contacted my partner when they wanted something (usually money or lifts) and they never even asked how he was when he had cancer or sent him birthday, Christmas or Father's day cards on time.. I began to really hate and resent them. I tried talking to my partner, but he won't see the bad in them - to him they are Angels!
As they got older and we moved further away, things have got better as he doesn't see them as much and they wanted more to do with their friends than their Dad - peace reigned. Then last year the eldest SD got married and everything got thrown up again... My partner gave money to her (1k) and whilst they invited me to the Wedding, I was to be kept separate from my partner throughout the day with people I didn't know and his ex's family (who are hard drinkers and the ex wife and sisters are a bit loose) so I decided not to go. I know its my own problem - but I felt betrayed, jealous and inconsolable.
The background is that over the 10 years my partner and I have been together, many times I have expressed the want to get married and have children of my own. He has never asked me and doesn't want kids - I know I should have left him, but you can't help who you love and I'm scared to leave (my issues).
Now his eldest daughter has announced she is pregnant! I feel beyond distraught. BF is SO happy to be a Grandad and I'm left here at 36 with no chance of marriage or children of my own, whilst he is beyond happy. He doesn't even care that I am so unhappy. I love him and he doesn't really seem to care either way. The thought that he will be doting over another child and I will have to watch or that he will be mixing with his ex and family at even more events in the coming years is just taring me apart. I just don't know how to deal with my jealousy and resentment... why can't I let it go and let him have his time with his family??
Anyone feel similar?
Thank you, you are so right
Thank you, you are so right and very wise - thank you for your helpxx
36 is still young. Go find a
36 is still young. Go find a man who wants the same things out of life. There are many chances for love and happiness in life, you will find a partner who adores you back. And in this day and age, you don't have to wait for that partner to have a child.
I know what I'm talking about, I was 35 when I met my DH,40 when I had my daughter. And thank goodness I didn't delay having her any longer. I'm 41 and have already started menopause.
I know leaving will be hard. But not leaving guarantees you will still feel unloved and unimportant and you will still be unmarried and childless.
You definitely still have
You definitely still have time to have a child. If he has had a vasectomy then you can get a sperm donor. I fear that you will just end up resenting your bf, if you aren't already.
I know that you love him, but I will tell you that the love that you will feel for your child, if you have one, will be much greater. I hope that you don't let a man, any man, dictate your happiness.
Unfortunately now is the time to act. It is one hundred percent your decision. You have to ask yourself where you see yourself in 10 years. If you can honestly say that you see yourself in a happy and healthy relationship with him, and that you can accept him for the doting father and grandfather that he seems to be, then stay.
If you see that within that time he may break up with you, then leave and start a family. If you see yourself angry and bitter towards him, then leave and start a family.
It is hard for nearly everyone to leave a relationship that you have invested time and effort into, my advice is to leave on your terms. No that you are still young and that at this time you have a small window of opportunity to be happy and possibly have a child of your own.
I'm scared to leave Please
I'm scared to leave
Please don't stay with him because you're afraid to leave. You deserve to be with someone who cares about your happiness.
The biggest mistake would be
The biggest mistake would be to let your fear of leaving him create one of the biggest regrets in your life. I know there is SO much in having children for certain people that it would be devastating to let that chance go by.
Personally, if you wanted to be a mother very badly, but still wanted to stay with him, I'd ask him if he'd be open to you going to get a sperm donor and that it'd be YOUR child, he wouldn't have any of the responsibilities to raising it. If he's open to that, I'd do it. If not, then I would probably leave.
I say this because my parents have a couple who they are close friends with--husband didn't want kids, wife agreed even though she did, and when myself and my sister was born, every time they saw us, the wife would hold us and cry and cry and cry. You don't want that misery in life.
I had my daughter at 34. You
I had my daughter at 34. You are NOT too old. You also have the option of being a single mother, through sperm donation if necessary. It can happen.
Please don't stay with a man through fear. That is no life.
Dump the guy and find someone
Dump the guy and find someone who loves you more than you love yourself. My sister had her first one at 35 and second at 37. You're still very young so go out, have fun, explore and conquer the world.
A.
Baby girl, I am also 36 and
Baby girl, I am also 36 and the only thing preventing DH and I from having a child is cancer and psoriatic arthritis. It sounds like no one in this family, including your BF cares a lick if you stay or if you go... so go. There will be someone out there who loves you, who wants a baby with you, an will treat you the way you deserve. This situation is just setup to make one person feel really great, and that ain't you.
Loving someone is never a
Loving someone is never a good reason to stay in a bad relationship. You can stop loving anyone. As I know from experience.