can't stsnd boyfriends step kids.
I feel horrible for posting this but I see that I'm not the only one in this boat which is nice.
my situation is a little bit different.
I've been with my current boyfriend for about a year now. I have a5 year old daughter from a previous relationship and he has a two year old son from his previous relationship. He was married for 6 years and his ex wife has two sons from two previous relationships. legally those children are not his. He did not legally adopt them but because he has been in their life for such a long time he considers them his step children. Both of their fathers are still in the picture.
when his ex wife and him split, he agreed to take all 3 boys every other weekend. Their mother is a dead beat who lives of the system and doesn't have a job. She has it drilled in the kids head that my boyfriend is made of money. She will purposely send the kids without proper clothing or items needed for their weekend stay in hopes that my boyfriend will buy them new stuff.
the two kids that aren't his are rude loud and disrespectful. They have no respect for other peoples things
my boyfriend has a job that keep him away from home for long periods of time. So my time with him is very limited. I can't stand his step kids.
he and I have been talking lately about starting a life together and getting a place together. But the problem is that I don't want to have to have his step kids every other weekend. It will be hard enough for us to support ourselves in our two children let alone two extra kids thst are not even ours.
both of his step children still see their fathers on a regular basis. Their mother is the type of mother that will pawn of the children to whomever whenever so she can go out and party. So naturally she will let my boyfriend take the kids every other weekend. He has already told me he will not walk away from those kids. I don't want him to walk away from those kids but I also don't want to support those kids when they aren't ours. I have no problem taking them every once and awhile for a treat but I don't know how to bring this up to my boyfriend without sounding like a cold b**** .I want to start a life with him and start our family but these kids and his ex wife are going to cause a big problem.is it wrong of me to feel this way? we have been talking about getting our own place within the next few months but I don't want to commit to that and have his step children tag along. how do I approach this situation without sounding like a cold b****? is this a deal breaker? it is almost to the point where I don't want to see him on the weekends that he has all three children because I can't stand the two that aren't his. and not only that but you can tell the difference in the way he treats his biological son as opposed to the other two.
any advice would be appreciated. Thank you
To me, this would be a deal
To me, this would be a deal breaker for several reasons. The kids sound like they're just awful brats. This is not something that's going to be fixed by a stepdad EOWe. That means I would be putting up with bad behavior, disrespect, things being broken in my house EOWe by children that neither I nor my partner are related to or have a legal obligation to? Yeah, I don't think so.
Beyond that, I would not want that behavior around my own child. I would not want her learning that that behavior is acceptable in any way or that its behavior that she should be willing to put up with. If these children are disrespectful or nasty to your daughter, consider what room you will have to fix the problem. If they break her toys, sure you can demand that SO pay for them, but if they get violent and you don't want them around your kid and he brings them over anyway things will get real ugly real fast.
I would just not move in with this guy. I couldn't do it. It's not like the boys have no other male role models in their life, it mostly sounds more like your SO agreed to it because otherwise he'd have to deal with BM having temper tantrums and maybe withholding his kid until she gets her way. I wouldn't just buy that "they're my step kids and I'm not walking away from them" bit. I think this is an indication that he's a "don't rock the boat" type with BM and that will cause Huge issues in a relationship in the future.
It's hard enough to be in a blended family without having other outside kids needing to be considered. It's often incredibly difficult to like your partner's kid much less like the children of a crazy woman who is hell bent on causing your relationship turmoil.
No you're not wrong for feeling like you do. And I personally would not want to become any more attached or invested in a guy that is going to willingly take on the financial and energy burden of two kids that are so bratty that still have two parents. There's no reason for it. He doesn't treat them "like his own" so he's doing it for conflict avoidance. Huge huge red flag.
IMO, find someone more reasonable.
I agree. His ex wife is
I agree. His ex wife is somethin' else that's for sure. He put up with a lot of emotional abuse from her, and I think he wants to avoid confrontation.
Great post though, thank you.
Do you have any ideas how to bring this up without sounding selfish/horrible?? I can't progress with him with this hanging over my head.
I suppose I would approach it
I suppose I would approach it from the angle of you being worried about your daughter being around their bad behavior. Acknowledge that he feels obligated to these kids on whatever level but you are responsible for yours and you are concerned that their behavior and example will be bad for her. Tell him you aren't asking him to walk away, but what compromise can there be? Ask him what his solution would be if they become violent or destructive in your home together. Is he willing to reimburse you if they destroy your daughter's toys?
I would also have a separate convention with him about both of your expectations in regards to finances. I know they're only there 4 days a month but Is he actually doing things like buying all the kids clothes or shoes or whatever else? Does he have vacation days from work that will be used for you and he to go somewhere on a vacation? Is he expecting all three of the boys to go with you? What would his expectation about the costs of that trip be then? (Cause if its 50/50 in his world, I'd have some serious issues with that).
I would still be having a bigger problem with feeling like he's doing this not so much for the kids as to keep from having a problem with BM and having to deal with confrontation. It would make me question what else he will give in on and go along with to avoid confrontation. If he's more afraid of having confrontation with her than he is about making you unhappy, you are in for a nightmare of a relationship.
If he accuses you of being selfish or horrible or falls into the "you just hate 'my' kids" line of defense, it's not going to work. And no matte how much you love him, how wonderful of a guy he may be, if you can't talk about this stuff without accusations getting thrown around, it is the best evidence I've seen that he will always place your relationship last on his list of priorities. Making you happy, being reasonable with you will come after making his kid happy, his step kids happy and his ex wife happy. That's the recipe for a Huge amount of resentment and hurt on your side.
I get that it's possible he may feel a moral obligation because two losers spawned kids he lived with for a few years, but with the very limited time he's investing in them, I personally feel like he's going to have a fairly negligible impact on their upbringing. Which is why I feel like he's just doing it because its what BM wants.
If he stands strong about getting the steps every time he gets his, I'd leave the relationship. Love isn't enough for a successful relationship or a successful family.
He mosr definitely buys those
He mosr definitely buys those kids clothes and shoes etc. He has his own clothing and such at his place for them because she sends them with absolutely nothing. Not even a toothbrush, just the clothes on their back. She has lived in places with bed bugs and cockroaches so I mean its probably best they don't brig their stuff. She doesn't even tell my boyfriend she has bugs its the kids that let it slip. She sent the kids fully knowing they had headlice and didn't mention it. I went out and got the lice shampoo and did their hair and of course she says " I didn't know they had it".
She has it in the kids heads that he is made of money. Mind you he does have a great paying job but that isn't the point. They constantly ask for things from going out to dinner to new toys etc. And he does buy them it!! Because their mother doesn't spend her money accordingly (she makes close to 3000/month between child tax, welfare and child support) he feels bad and I believe itsa teying to buy their love type thing. Kids need more than materialistic items to be fully supported. She is a horrible mother. She is on move number 17 in 6 years.
In their court agreement, it states 50/50 transportation of the kids for visits. She has followed through with this once. We live 2 hours from the kids and her, and will even take the kids out of town when she knows they are to be picked up and he will go wherever to pick them up. He most definitely tries to avoid conflict. I told him he needs to stand up to her and put his foot down.
I told him to tell her to bring the kids to us. She has more than enougb money to drink and get herself where she needs to go why can't she bring them to us if she's able to do hat? Offer to drive them home bexause I can imahine the excuses as to not picking them up. I said if she wants a kid free weekend she will get them to us. He needs to put his foot down and say that's the way its going to be or he won't take them. Thats 8 hours a weekend driving to pick hem up and driving.
I live this guy and I dint want to ruin/walk away from a potential life partner bexause of someone else's kids.
You have some great advicr I just need to figure out what I'm going to do and how to approach this properly. But if I can't get this out and talk about it like adults, its going to cause problems down the road.
Tell her she needs to bring the kids to us, as it states in the court order
" I want to start a life with
" I want to start a life with him and start our family but these kids and his ex wife are going to cause a big problem."
Why don't I believe you? Really, you want to start a life with this guy with kids from three different women?
What I do believe is you want very much to start a life with a good man who will be good to your child as well. I just don't think this guy is the one. There are other's out there, at least their kids are from the same mother.
You may ultimately decide to marry this man, but if you do, save this post for when he proposes to you and think really hard about what it is you are really looking for and whether you'll be able to even tolerate living with him for the rest of your life. These kids will never go away, your BF has made that clear. They will be around for their childhood and most likely their adult years.
The kids all have the same
The kids all have the same mother, just 3 different fathers.
If BM is a deadbeat then your
If BM is a deadbeat then your BF may feel he has a moral obligation not to abandon them to her parenting, regardless of the input of their fathers. His determination not to walk away from them reflects well on his sense of loyalty and commitment, even if there is sometimes a perceptible and understandable difference in the way he behaves with his own son. Perhaps there is a sense that he would feel guilty taking his own son EOW and leaving them behind, and yes perhaps it helps keep things amicable with BM, but it doesn't change the fact that a lot of stepparents would have walked away from those relationships and he has chosen not to, to the benefit of his stepsons. It bodes well for his commitment as a potential stepfather to your child.
But, I get that the cost and effort weighs heavier on you and seems less justified because they are not biologically his, particularly if there are problems with their behaviour. Does he take steps to deal with their behaviour? Does he acknowledge it is a problem? Is it normal behaviour for their age or are you perhaps magnifying it in your mind because you resent these extra non bio children? If he dealt with their behaviour would you be more willing to tolerate having them around?
Perhaps you could agree some sort of compromise which enables him to continue seeing them, but not on such a frequent schedule, or without their staying over as often? For example could they visit 1 out of every 2 weekends that his son is with you? Or could he pick them up from BM's for an afternoon EOW when his son is with you and take them out somewhere and then drop them back at BMs? Is there some sport or activity he could do with them one evening a week? If he is determined to continue to play a parental role to them then your best bet is a compromise which would involve him spending more time outside the home with them, and you doing your own thing with your daughter more. That's perfectly normal and healthy anyway, you don't all need to be together all weekend. I certainly wouldn't consider cohabiting until this issue is resolved to your satisfaction.
I believe that the moral
I believe that the moral obligation is a huge thing. He wants to stick around because the other 2 fathers really aren't the greatest either. I do agree that it does show that he is loyal, but at the same time I don't understand why he's willing to raise/support 2 kids that aren't his.
He definitely wants to take his own son from her, but that in itself will be a battle, because up here in Canada, there is something called the Child Tax benefit, which the government basically pays you about $500/child a month until they're 18. She sees those children as dollar signs. She makes more money than I do in a month living off welfare and child tax than I do working a respectable job that I went to school to do.
As for the behavior correction, I would personally say that more could be done in regards to correcting, but he only sees the kids 4 days a month because of his job (we live 2 hrs away from BM) so unless the BM also carries out the discipline or corrective behavior, what is the point?
The 2 that aren't his are 8 and 10 years old. They are normal kids in my opinon but the way they act out/get violent with eachother/don't listen is definitely not normal. I've spent lots of time with him and his kids, and I was okay with it in the beginning until I actually started to see the acting out. And for the most part, I am a little sympathetic with their behavior because I would mostly blame it on BM for not correcting on a day to day basis. She's more worried about what guy is going to move in with her next, then if there is food in her fridge.
I feel bad for the kids and the situation they're in, I really do, but that's not our responsibility to make sure those kids are taken care of. They both have a mom and dad, and my boyfriend is the every other weekend babysitter who buys them stuff. They don't refer to my boyfriend as Dad, they call him by name. They know they have their own dads.
I'd love to be able to spend time with him, I and our own kids, but that will never happen with these kids in the picture. I really do feel bad for the way I feel, but theyre neither of our responsibility.
Id be okay with them coming to our place for a weekend once in awhile. As a special sleepover/hang out type thing, but not every other weekend... I'm just so torn because I love this guy... but not his step kids.
Once he split with their
Once he split with their mother, that made them NOT his step kids anymore! He takes them EOW? Who does this? That shit would not fly with me. Moral obligation be damned.