Can't love my stepchild
:? Hello all, I'm new to the forum. Here is my story, I hope I could get advices to easy my pain.
I've know my fiancé for over 7 yrs just know, we been together for 2 yrs never got into conversations or anything like that. He is the brother of my brother in law (sister husband) so he been around for quite some time. Long story short. I knew his ex and sort of had a friendship however I never talked or socialized with him. His wife cheated and abandoned their only bio kid and her 3 from other marriage he got rid of the other 3 thanks God! Point period is that we are raising his 7 yr old ( my bio are 6&7 both boys) when it's the 4 of us now 5 we have a daughter in common all is good. But when his father is around the child changes completely its like he challenges me it bother me sometimes I wish h was with his mother and it was my kiddos only around!!!! It bothers me he looks exactly like his mom it bother me his voice it bothers me just the fact he is around I hate to see how my fiancé spoil him I hate how he always finds an excuse for his sons actions!!! He tells me he is patient with his child because of all the crap he've been thru which I am fed up of that "excuse" the child it's 7 and still duty his underwear so times I have to do things for him because I have to, not because I fell like it. For example, I iron my kids uniforms and I HAVE to iron his Bc it will look bad if I didn't! My fiancé has told me he noticed I don't love his son and wishes sometime I would, as his son is in need of a mothers love . But I just can't. And i am tired and sick of everybody feeling sorry for my stepson I hate the fact he lives with me but I know if it was the way around his mother will be a paint in my ass. My fiancé is good to my boys and cares for them and somewhat loves them. At times I feel bad cause I wish I could at least accept my stepson but I just can't. 
It is hard to love someone
It is hard to love someone else's child sometimes. I find it difficult for me too. I know the feeling all too well of wanting them to live with their own mother and everything they do annoying you! I've been on this site a few weeks a lot say disengage yourself let him do more for his child like he should I've tried it but then I think my SO thinks I'm being a bitch but just don't say it. Resentment mounts up and makes it worse. Then the feeling of well maybe they are right he's had a bad life and then you feel bad for feeling the way you do. All I can say is its hard and maybe hopefully gets better as the child gets older. But just always remember... Your their because of him not his child maybe let him know that and tell him how you feel he may not understand at first but when I started making my SO do more for his daughter
he realized what a pain in my ass she was and is now quick to tell her to stop and leave me alone. But don't let anyone make you feel bad for the way you feel! The longer you are reading on this site the more you will see your normal and not alone!! Good luck!
You're dead on. I've been
You're dead on. I've been told so many times the whole "It's a package deal...you have to love them too"...and on and on. I too felt incredibly guilty for not having the same feelings for the skids as I did my own. It's true that we gravitate to our own flesh and blood first, and that we have to give the skids the best possible family unit, but when behaviour issues trump the unit, I think it's just natural to recoil and withdraw.
OK, here is a truth for you
OK, here is a truth for you ... you don't HAVE to love this child. I am sure my DH loves my kids (21 and 24) more than I love his sons (19 & 21) Or maybe I love them differently. Who knows? But I am not their mother and never will be. I like to think I am like a cool aunt.
So that lets you off the first hook. You don't HAVE to love him. Which should start to make you feel a little more relaxed around him.
You will make comparisons because your sons are the same age. And his son has some babyish behaviours that he needs to grow out of. My own son (now in the US Army) would wet his bed every night until he was about 10. We did everything we could. Alarms, medications, getting him up at night. Nothing worked. There is part of your brain that switches on when you fall asleep and it send a message to your kidneys to start concentrating your urine because you need to sleep. In my sons case this trigger wasn't happening.
The situation was tiring as your ssons 'accidents' must be for you. SO maybe the time has come for him to be a little more responsible for himself. If he has an 'accident' or dirties his underwear then he has to clean himself up and put the underwear in a bucket of hot soapy water to soak.
And consider this, there is a degree of guilt with your fiance that he chose such a loser to father a child with (BM not you!). He made a huge mistake with her because she has bolted out of this boy's life and he knows you don't love him and he has to make allowances for him because he helped create the situation.
Understandable, right? So how to re-train your DH to treat his son fairly... I would have a little talk about being fair to all the kids. How you WANT to like his son but when he is constantly allowed to get away with stuff because his mother isn't around is unfair to the other kids (ALWAYS say 'other kids' otherwise DH will say you are picking on his son)because they cannot help the fact that their mother IS around. And try reversing the situation a little... tell him if you allowed DD to get away with everything because she is a girl, would that be fair? Of course not.
As for the uniforms, honey you knew he had a son. You have chosen to uniform the kids so you really cannot make this kid into Cinderella and allow him to go to school dressed in wrinkled clothes. Maybe teach the 7 yr olds how to iron their clothes. Maybe teach the boys to hang their shirts up straight out of the dryer so they don't wrinkle.
I understand the resentment and how annoying that he looks like his dropkick of a mother. But he didn't ask to be born. And the more I read this site the more certain I am that the bio-parents have a helluva lot to answer for with their kids behaviour.
Seriously, this is more about your fiance than it is about his son. He cuts him slack due to his early life. But how long do you make excuses? How lo0ng do you let him whine and complain and bail out of being a contributor to the smooth running of your home?
>I understand the resentment
>I understand the resentment and how annoying that he looks like his dropkick of a mother. But he didn't ask to be born.
This is my son. He didn't ask to look like me, or to have inherited some of my mannerisms. Any more than my daughter asked to look like her Dad, etc. My ex made it very clear from early in our divorce that he couldn't stand our son's resemblance to me. He was six at the time. He's 21 now. And it has not only affected his relationship with his father, but also his sister's. She loves her brother deeply and despises how he's been treated for something not of his doing. They literally have no relationship with their Dad. And it is completely of his own doing. Which is, IMO, sad.
Just something to consider - it is not always the kid's OR the Mom's fault.
Thanks. You've made me
Thanks. You've made me realize of things we need to change in my household
My SD will be 5 in a couple
My SD will be 5 in a couple months and I have been around since she was a year old. She doesn't remember her parents ever being together, all she knows is me and her dad (and BM separately). Even with that being the case, I do not love SD. Not one bit. I really can't even stand her coming over and I just dread it because it is such a burden on my marriage and to be honest, I wish I never got involved with a man with a kid in the first place. Anyway, I would not put any pressue on yourself to love the skid. It's not natural to love a child that is not biologically yours (unless it's an adoption or something along those lines).