Blending is Impossible

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I am glad to have found this forum . I find myself googling why it is so difficult to make a connection with my step kids. Here's the background: my SO and I have been together for 3 years now. I have my bio son who is 5 and from my previous relationship, and my bio daughter with my SO has 2 children with his BM 4 and 6 now . In the beginning of our relationship they had very inconsistent times of when the kids would spend time with their dad . From the beginning I dreaded them coming just for weekends . They don't listen and they always tear up the house . They are lacking in regular life skills . And the oldest was always mean to my son punching him in the face . My SO never addressed the issue. The 4 yo throws tantrums by throwing hisself on the floor, screaming, hitting etc .

fast forward to now . My SO decided that his oldest should live with us full time and we see the middle Child EOW, the oldest goes with his mother EOW. Mind you my SO works from 5:45 am to about 6pm daily so this means I'm responsible for getting all the kids to their destinations and then back home in the afternoon. I am also in nursing school and working some days . I just feel like it isn't fair to me that I have to raise their son , that isn't biologically mine . he doesn't listen well. He still acts like a baby . He acts like he can't tie his shoes or that he is sick when he doesn't want to do his homework . It is just an added stress that I don't really feel is necessary. When my SO gets home from work he doesn't help with anything in the house or with the kids . He doesn't have the desire or care (this may be an assumption) . I am just overly frustrated with this decision of him coming to live with us when I'm raising this kid. Who doesn't listen . Or I can't discipline bc he isn't my bio kid. And his behavior is never addressed , so he continues with the bullshit .

On the weekends when we have all of the kids , I am ready to check out until Monday. I get an overwhelming feeling of reluctance . I don't want to have to worry about getting up to make breakfast for everyone . Getting everyone dressed ( because the SS act like they're babies who can't do anything, and their dad doesn't help) . I am reluctant to take them to the playground because the middle child thinks it's okay to scream no and to the top of his lungs when he doesn't get his way. I try to deescalate the situation bu leaving with all the children and he proceeds to hit me, throw himself on the ground, yell no. And his dad does nothing to him after I tell him how he has acted towards me . At this point I completely refuse to keep the middle child (this goes unsaid) but I mean come on. My SO always finds something he has to do so I'm stuck trapped at home with all of the kids . Why even get his bio kids if he isn't going to be there ?!??!?

The weekends when the SS aren't here I feel so much better . No stress . No irritation. No reluctance to do anything . My children are well behaved and are content with whatever we do for that day. My bio son does not throw tantrums or anything of that nature . Sadly my bio daughter is picking up on the awful behaviors from the middle child .

this is a long rant and I hope someone reads and can relate and give me tips . I love my SO and when it's just my bio kids but his kids make me cringe . Its like no one cares how they act and I'm supposed to be disrespected . I am pretty fed up. Thanks to anyone who's reading this .

I suspect the reason his kids

I suspect the reason his kids make you cringe is because he's a lazy, lousy father to them. Of course you're not going to like ill-behaved children, the responsibility for whom is dumped on YOU. I think you need to sit down with your SO and let him know that the only way this will work is if he handles the care for his child or arranges daycare. What is your financial situation?

Thank you for the validation

Hi! So he handles all of the finances intermittently . I get money for attending school . My bio kids are in childcare daily and his son whom has come to stay with us has just started kindergarten. So I've also been taking a lot of my time teaching him to read etc . It's very taxing . He doesn't seem to empathize at all.

He's a crappy parent that is

He's a crappy parent that is your problem. Make him step up and parent his kids.. make him do some of the cooking etc.. when he has kids in the home.

When I ask him to help I just

When I ask him to help I just get somr kind of excuse . It's never just that easy . It's frustrating really

Don't ask him for help - that

Don't ask him for help - that's implying that the kids are al your responsibility. Tell him that you're not going to cook (for example) and that he'd better do it (or his kids will starve). Drop his responsibilities right back into his lap.

Thanks for the validation

intermittently?

So he handles all of the finances intermittently

How do you handle finances intermittently? In my mind, intermittently is not handling them. It's throwing you a little money once in a while. Handling finances is paying your share all of the time.

This is going to sound even

This is going to sound even worse . He handles the majority of everything but my school money comes about every month and it goes to all of the rest of the bills .

Your son needs to defend

Your son needs to defend himself in no uncertain terms that give the violent 6yo bully clear understanding that being a bully is painful.

Give your DH clarity that if he 6yo attacks your DS again that you have given your son full authority to defend himself appropriately and by any means necessary to end the bullying and DH will say and do absolutely nothing about the consequences for his violent 6yos realizing the consequences of bullying.

I learned that it hurts to be hit when being bullied whether I defended myself of not so I came to the conclusion that the bully needed to hurt far worse then I did in the exchange.

Your Skid needs this clarity and your DS needs to be the one to give it to the 6yo. DS 5 needs to go completely aggressive and attack the bully with overwhelming incessant force the next time the 6yo bullies and not stop until an adult drags him off of the bully.

As for your DH saddling you with raising his children. Inform him that his 6yo will be in after school care and DH can pick him up on his way home from work. Saddling you with his lack of parenting skill is not any part of the deal in a marriage and you have your own children to raise, nursing school to attend and study for, and your career to focus on. You should not sacrifice your life and your children to your DH's failed family history and parenting.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

I completely agree with this

I completely agree with this . As a mother we all know we feel we have to protect our children so you can imagine the feelings I harbor towards this child. (Which makes me feel even crazier as a person to be so resentful towards a child). But my bio son does not have the same temperament. He is very sweet and easy going . He always cares for others and when I tell him to stick up for himself and hit he says he doesn't want to hurt anyone . I've put myself in this position of already doing all of the leg work with everything . I cant be crazy for thinking that it isn't my responsibility to raise his kids . Even if we are engaged . I'm trying to work through this . Thank you for your suggestions .

This is when you say “great are you gonna be shuffling him to

School and care for him?” Of course answer will be “no you will” which is when you say “no no no because he made this executive decision...

At this point I feel like he

At this point I feel like he needs to return home with his mother . She is his mom , not me . And it isn't my responsibility to be trying to mold someone else's child who doesn't listen . His dad claims that he works so much he's just too exhausted to pitch in . We're going to have a talk . I don't think I'm crazy for suggesting he return with his monther am I ? I've been taking my SS to school since he began kindergarten in August .

No disrepect --but sweetie

No disrepect --but sweetie you're not married to your boyfriend. That is just for starters.

Your going to school to become a nurse (HARD HARD WORK) and lover boy has strapped you to raise his kids PLUS yours.

Oh noooooooooooooooo

Since you do get money for school AND I must assume you have child support from ex AND I bet daycare is not costing you anything, right? Your better off finding, worse case, section 8 housing or a 2bedroom place of your own for you and your kiddos.

If boyfreind is that great,,,see him on weekends. He is his kids dad and he is responsible to change his work schedule IF need be. When he is not there, nor should you be.

BUT BUT BUT---if you decide that leaving is not something you want to do, then you made that decision and you have to, well, acept the cards you picked from the pile.

Hope that helps.

Put yourself and your kids FIRST, always.

20years experience here---hate to admit it but true.

I appreciate the honesty!

Really I do. I know this is completely out of hand . I don't talk to anyone about it and this is really helping me in validating my feelings and POV . Of not being completely crazy in thinking this is way too much responsibility!! So thank you

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