Unfortunately you will take quite a bit of flack for the affair while your now partner was married. The BM will ensure you pay a high price. That is his children or you.

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.shtml

It's all the advice I have for you along with leave married men alone honey.

Informative reading to understand what is happening:

http://www.parentalalienation.org/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation....
http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Poison-New-Updated-Edition/dp/0061863262 <--- Some find this helpful.

My solution is dump the guy and start over. Nothing worth all the headache and heartache those crazy brats and bm will bring when those kids move in with you. Why not now? Save time and start over with someone who doesn't have any baggage. You found this site and at least realize how much headache and heartache stepmom has to deal with. I lost count how many times I hid in the bathroom crying out of frustration or the thought of walk out of my marriage has crossed my mind. Run Forrest! Run!!!

Best of luck.

A.

I agree with Andie. You are in for one hell of a ride if you stay with this man. Pretty much every one here is dealing with a crazy BM who hates SM because she had this nasty habit of breathing. This BM has a very valid reason to hate the OP. She will make her life hell. No man is worth that.

Karma is kicking your ass... You can't change the way BM feels about you or what she is going to say to her kids about you. Yes what she is doing is wrong. But she's probably still pissed that you interfered in her marriage. If the drama is worth it, then stay with him and hopefully in time things will calm down or turn around and hopefully too much damage with the kids hasn't been done. And if you don't think you can deal with it, then you should leave him.

You are in a rather complex situation and this is going to take a very long time for everyone to work thru, if ever. You said your BF does not hear what his kids say, this is stuff they tell you. Is there anyway your BF and his ex can still and talk about hat is good for the kids and for your husband to ask her to be careful with what she says to the kids. Maybe he needs to apologize for hurting her, as that I am sure is part of her revenge. You said you started dating after the divorce but this was an affair?? I am a little confused. Either the marriage was over or it was not and it does not become legal til all the paperwork is finalized. My ex had an affair and one of the things he told his lover was that our marriage was over. I wish I would have known that.

I dealt with the very same actions from my steps and their bio mom. I entered the picture 3 years after the divorce so this could be that she is pset her husband had an affair or it could be that she has no intentions for you to be part of her children's life and he affair is only contributing to her hard feelings. Have you spoke to her??

I will warn you, parents who do this to their children are very selfish but they are also very good about getting what they want. They will not blink twice to stomp on you, they have no compassion for you. They are out for revenge and you are the target.

My husband would not speak to his ex, would not have anything to do with her and repeatedly we heard all these things bio mom was saying to the boys and we were always telling them, "You do have to obey the rules in our home." One time I saw the oldest SS get off the phone from his mom and he was crying, he must have been 10 at the time. I told husband and I told him next time she called I was going to listen in on the conversation and I did. She was trying to convince her son to tel his dd that he wanted to live with her. This thought was no coming from him, it was coming from hr. I listened to the entire conversation. My husband did nothing. SS was obviously hurting and feeling very torn by bio mom's desires. I contacted her, I let her know I heard the conversation and I let her know this was hurting her children. I told her that I would like us to work towards what is best fro the boys. I told her that we told the kids they have 2 moms and 2 dads and that with my ex's new wife I gave her permission to discipline my children and permission to my children to love their new SM. She was having NONE of that! Almost yelling she let me know in no uncertain terms that I was not the boys' momma, her words. There was one act after the other, it did not stop. She made threats. She told lies. When the boys would go to her with something about me she would get upset and call my husband. She told husband that I hated the boys, that's why I did this or that, and I ave no doubt she told the boys the same. As you can imagine I dealt with a great deal of resistance from the boys that was only supported by BM, bio mom and I could not have a relationship, she made sure of that.

Once the boys became adults they did not feel they had to listen to me at all and tried walking all over me, bio mom told me tat they boys hated me and my daughters. Yes, she was that bold. When the one boy go married neither husband and I were invited to the wedding, SS said his bio mom would not allow us in her house. I tried to build a relationship with his new wife via internet but that all came to a screeching halt too when I told her that it would not be good for BM and I to be in the same room to celebrate grand daughter's birthday which she had asked my help with. I told her we'd be happy to come another day and the fur started flying. SS popped off with several emails to me and to him telling us what awful parents we are, told us we would never know his daughter as our grand child. I have had no contact with him since. The little girl must be 5 or 6 now.

Oldest SS just recently got married and he did invite his dad and our only daughter together and purposely excluded me and then emailed his dad and asked that I not attend. I had no intentions of attending, he made it clear to me 10 years ago that he wanted no relationship with me after I found out that he had done something that I found extremely hurtful. He could not face his own actions so he chose to run and chose to point blame, basically I was hi scapegoat. Our only bio together loves both husband and I and did not like her half brother's actions, neither did husband. Daughter contacted bride to be about the incident in which SS was involved in that ended our relationship. Realize I have not met this person and she comes back at my daughter and literally tears me from one end to the next, calling me a narcissists, saying I am mentally unstable, I am a psychopath. Really? This is insane! SS ran to he would not face is actions, lied to everyone just like his mother did to the boys and I am the one being blamed for their actions and being called a narcissist?? Somebody needs to take a good hard look in the mirror!

On the flip side, my ex's second wife ended up divorcing him. He cheated on her too, repeatedly. I am still friends with her, my daughters are still friends with her and my grand kids see her as Gma as well. I would send her nice things on Mother's day to thank her for being a mother to my children as well. You see the difference there. It really starts with the relationship between the bio parents and working together for what is best for the children. My ex had an affair and it was very hard for me to deal with but a mom who loves her children has to realize that he children are entitled to their their father.

Emotional affair or not, your BM was probably gonna treat the new GF/SM like crap no matter what anyhow.
My BM trashed me and DH to the kids non-stop! She opening admits it and does it right in front of us. We have gotten texts that say "I told the kids yoy wouldn't support me on this" (when she was trying to treat SD medical condition with vitamins and herbs rather than medical attention) and stood in my driveway calling me names and throwing things at me and DH right in front of her kids. She has told her kids to lie to me and sneak out of the house.
There is nothing yoy can do about it EXCEPT see it for the jealousy it is, and provide a secure loving home for them with DH and ignore her words.
In the end, as a COD I KNOW, they will appreciate the kind loving parent that doesn't speak ill of the parents they love. So keep saying only nice things or nothing at all.

You just set yourself up for a lifetime of hell. Get out now while you still can and find a guy to date that isn't married.

Its time for you to eat crow and get out of that mess fast. He's not worth it. He will be just as weak with you as he was with BM. You will never come first to him if he can't even stick up for you now in the very "beginning" of the relationship. I think you staying in the relationship is a disaster. She will make your life miserable as other poster have said she would have treated you like crap whether you came into her marriage or not. Just leave.

Do not let him move in with you. He should keep his apartment and have the kids there. You can do things when them when he is around - but there should be no reason for you to be with them alone. If it is this bad now think about how it will be when you are all living together.

Stay separate until things work out - if they do. First step is for BF to believe you when you tell him what the kids say and do. He should then take some corrective action.