anything the ex and SD14 ask for they get!! HELP
Help - it's affecting me and my partner can't even see it... I swear he has he ex and his daughter (SD14) on pedastools.... anything they ask for they get.
I don't understand it at all... it is so messed up.
From the beginning I organised when we had SD14 and it was all fine. I also have BD6 who I organise with her dad.
Everything was going fine and we saw SD14 every second weekend. He told me to butt out - so I did. 6 months on we are seeing SD14 every 5-6 weeks.. he is organising it. There are so many issues with SD14... and like any teenager feels left out and is wanting some attention from her dad. I organise to pick her up this time.... SD 14 is so excited and can not wait to come down. (this is a first)
I helped resolve the problems with SD14 and everything is good on that part.
It is almost like he doesn't want to see her... but when she is here... OMG.... SD14 is so dependant - my SD6 is less dependant and she is 8 years younger. She still needs to be tucked into bed... water bottle filled up.. picked up after.(I refuse)
The BM oh my... we pay child support but yet she continues to ask for more and more and more.. this is what we pay child support.. not only do we spend 8 hrs a weekend driving when we see SD14 - every 3 weeks... and she only drives 1-2
she askes for more money... and things for SD14 as she can't afford it. MY BUTT.... she can afford to take SD14 to the movies and can afford to buy takeaway... but can't afford to maintain her daughters hair do that she allowed her to get in the first place... blonde streaks on brown hair..... I can't afford this..... but yet my partner says yes..... so I say it has to be part of her xmas present... I organise the appt and I have to take her there fror 2 hrs and what thanks do I get.... nothing!!!
I wonder what they will ask for next... we can't afford to buy takeaway or go to the movies.. but yet we are handing over more money to BM!!
what really got my goat was when I picked up SD14 last night.... there are 5 empty car parks to the right of me and one to the left and she parks 6 car parks away amongst other cars.... then rushing in to the shop to buy SD14 a pack of potato chips for dinner as she didn't have time to get dinner.. WTF!!! they saw me... I saw them.. and yet parked miles away... STUPID BM even then she said 7.15 and it was 7.00 they arrived early.... we have a 2 hour drive ahead.... could even have the decency to park next to me.. or even 1 car space away... seriously...
The 8 hrs drive verse 2 hour drive has to change......
we get home.. my partner isn't even home.. he is out having a few drinks with mates... he comes home... and askes and askes and askes - I make one small statement how SD14 needs to learn that in relationships and friendships it takes 2.. and she has to learn to give too...
Well.... it hit the fan... big time.. I slept on the couch.. what more can I say..
She just expects to have everything and anything she wants... he dad and BM haven't taught her anything.. she is a good kid.. but for a 14 year old girl is very dependant on everyone and expects everything done for her... and does what ever she wants... her BM lets her please her self... and well her dad is not much better...
My partner is so guilty and his ex has full control over him along with SD14...
I have had enough... I am trying and yet it isn't good enough...
and very confused... he doesn't want her here... as he makes no effort whats so ever.. no calling her... no suggesting to see her. nothing... and yet when we do it's yes yes yes yes yes.........??? what is going on here?
Stop stressing yourself out.
Stop stressing yourself out. You said it looks like he does not want her there and he makes no effort to call her or anything. So leave it all up to him, let him do the driving as well as him figuring out when he wants to spend time with her. All your really doing is causing yourself to stress out and that is no fun.
I agree. If he is not going
I agree. If he is not going to make an effort to see her, you should not run yourself ragged and ruin your relationship with your partner over this girl. She is not your daughter, she is his. Just think if you didn't drive the 8 hours to get her, there would be less stress on you because you wouldn't have to deal with SD14 or BM.
I also agree, why are you
I also agree, why are you putting yourself in this situation. He is out having drinks with his mates, and you are driving 2 hours to the pick up point and two hours home. With the best intentions in the world you have made a rod for your own back. It is his daughter if he wants to see her let him organize the weekends and do the pick up drive. If there are issues between him and the ex that you have not mentioned here and you feel that there may be problems if he goes alone then go along with him or get someone else to for the drive, but don't do it for him. If he doesn't want to see his daughter then she is better off without him. But you need to learn from this and don't have any children with him. His child, his responsibility, to pick her up, and his responsibility to make the arrangements, it is also his responsibility to discuss these arrangements with you before he sets them in concrete. You cannot control the relationship between father and daughter let them work it out.
Stop doing his job. If you
Stop doing his job.
If you joint accounts, close them. If you each have your own accounts, you don't to worry about him using your money on things you disagree with. If he wants to spend his money on CS and extras, so be it.
Why the hell are you doing
Why the hell are you doing the pickups...This is not your problem. Stop and let him do it. Also, I agree with Disneyfan, separate your funds now...
The reason your bf
The reason your bf continually gives to BM financially, is because he is guilty. An absent father, who only sees sd irregularly (although I am sure by the sounds of it distance is a massive factor in this). So he thinks by saying yes to everything, this is pasting over the cracks of his lack of parenting and prescence in sd's life.
Unfortunately, by the sounds of it you can ill afford for him to keep capitulating to BM - on top of the maintenance he pays already. Are your finances separate? Who pays for what?
The difficulty is, in getting him to change the way he views and does things. It would be far and away better if he kept in closer contact with sd e.g. emails, texts, phonecalls - if he is unable to do more visits - than throwing cash at the BM, which is in turn impacting on your quality of life. I am not talking about completely stopping any and all treats of sd, as I am sure neither wish for her to never have these BUT I do think they need reducing. However, you cant FORCE this man to change. Its incredibly difficult, almost impossible, for these type of guilty daddy's to change if they dont see it themselves or are not prepared to do the backwork, plus YOU tend to be the one who gets shot down in flames for daring to discuss this (you mentioned sleeping on the couch?!! I rest my case). BF isnt thanking you for trying to change things, so I would say stop making the effort to
him change things for the better - this isnt welcome and you are the one who gets hurt, with nasty words and being shunned.
Instead focus on what YOU can control. What YOU can change. BF wants to throw money at his daughter? Ok, you dont have to approve (nor would I pretend to) but so long as he covers his half of all the bills then whatever he has left is for him to spend as he wishes. I appreciate it is never as simple as this, because it impacts on your quality time together massively i.e. if he is unable to do, go or see anything because of his inability to say no to BM's demands - however I would split the finances and REFUSE to cover any of these demands. I would begin to be more social with other people and start carving a social life outside of your home, or doing things you want to. If bf misses out, then thats HIS choice. He is the one who decided to go down this path, which he is entitled to do. Just as you are. If your relationship begins to become more fractured, then that is not your responsibility. This should not be the aim, obviously, BUT ultimately you cant put your life on hold because hes making poor decisions. You arent the only one who is in the relationship, the only one who should be making an effort, putting thought into things...you. He's meant to be there with you too...what effort is he really making with you? You arent with him for sd...BM...
As for organising having sd. That's bf's responsibility. I appreciate you want the best for her, but thats down to bf. As it is you are enabling his lack lustre attitude and effort. Picking her up after a 2 hour drive while hes in the pub? Seriously? What were you thinking? Then he disrespects you and you get to sleep on the couch?
Hell no, STOP. Disengage. Just like you have stopped running around for sd, stop running around for bf. Start putting your happiness first. It is allowed.
http://csmchat.weebly.com/disengaging.html