Need advice please - issue with SD14

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I need advice on a situation that has presented it's self in my family and it is not going away.
SD 14 wants her own room (her BM started the idea)as we apparantly have a "huge" house.
and her dad my fiance feels really strongly about it and is not willing to comprimise.
we have been a family unit for 3 years.
SD 14 is a great child don't get me wrong - very quiet and can be a little manipulative but overall I can't complain. Her BM and SD14 though still tend to control my fiance. I have managed to stamp out a few bad habits... though they still control him.. but he can't see it..

The issue is SD14 originally shared a bed in the room with my BD (birth daughter) 6 - she was 10 at the time.. This wasn't good enough... and she didn't want to share... and made a big deal about it... she wouldn't even sleep on the spare bed in BD 6 room when we got home late one night and BD 6 wasn't even there - she cired and my fiance had to make up the sofa bed.....
Her BM started the idea as we have a 4 bedroom place and SD14 should have her own room....as the rooms are not so free as BM thinks as one is filled with a room as a very busy office and last bedroom has a bed but mostly storage for items that really need to be sold, a lot of items.... being a fulltime working parent 6 days a week.. time is a little stretched to have sorted it all out. (plus as most of items are baby items and one of our long term goal is to have a baby - what is the point in selling them)
My parents have come to stay more recently so I have cleared the bed in the spare room for them. Which has represented the issue that SD14 should have this room.

Planning to marry my fiance and have children with my fiance - I have put accross the point that if we clear out the spare room move BD 6 to the room as her room would be better for any more children. If we give that room (previously BD 6's) to SD14 when we decide to have a child SD14 will not only have to accept a new sibling but "her room" being taken from her. Do you really want to take a room away from a 15 year old girl?? I don't

so for SD14 I have bought a sofa bed in the games room which we make up for when she comes to stay... It is her own bed in a room to herself... I have also cleared space in a storage unit in the room for her things.. SD14 rarely visits - it is for 2 nights every 3 weeks.. then she often stays one of those nights at my fiance's mothers place - so it really narrows it down to 1 night.

My fiance's issue is SD14 wants privacy and space to herself.. I clearly stated that if SD14 wanted privacy - and space from BD 6 she would not shower while BD 6 is in the bath after I told her to wait until BD 6 is out of the bath...
SD 14 has space from SD 6 as she is more than able to lock herself in the games room with out BD 6.

BD 6 isn't even at home sometimes with SD14 visits.

My issues is SD14 visits every 3-5 weeks.... for only 2 nights.. (1 night if she stays 1 at grans) her choice and my fiances bad organisation.. That doesn't warrant to have a room on standby for a child that is rarely at home.. she stays with us and doesn't live with us.

What is the point of having SD14 visit if she just wants to lock herself away in a room... and you give her that option by giving her - her own room.

behind closed doors I wouldn't trust SD14 with BD 6 also - as nice as she can be to ones face, she can be even more heartless behind a closed door - from a previous issue dealt with.

I organise activities with both girls and we have fun together - I really aim to make her feel part of the family - things only happen though if I organise them. As it is she only sleeps and plays a little with BD6 in the games room - apart from that we are always doing things together.

The only solution I have is as the games room is big enough I can put in a bunk bed style desk combo unit thing for her.. in the corner so it is always there for her... her bed and somewhere for her things... The point is she already has this though as well. a bed in a room by herself.

perhaps I can go back to organising visits and activities as I have left that in his hands and it has gone from every second weekend for 2 nights to every 3-5 weeks. and no activities when she visits.

He is quiet a disney dad to SD14 and gives her everything she wants. In my terms "a yes dad" never says no and I mean never.... and the more I read more stories of what other families are going through the more I have picked up on and noticed all the other little things... eg not listerning to me when I said to shower after BD 6 was out the bath.. asked BD 6 to eat at the table with knife and fork, SD14 then ate with hands like an animal. ( seriously knawed at the meat just like an animal)

My parents have come to stay more often and have stayed in our spare room - they have stayed more with us in the past 6 months than SD14. They are an older couple and I believe deserve a decent bed.

If we give the room to SD14 I want to know when it will stop... I just know the events that will follow....
she will want her own TV, stero.. the list will go on... and on.. she has a room at her BM place and the whole weeks to herself (she is an only child)
also
SD14 will cry and make a big deal about it when my parents come to stay on the same weekend and my older parents will have to sleep on the sofa bed...
She won't want to contribute in the family as she will just lock herself away in the room..

doesn't help as BM is stating that SD14 won't come to visit anymore. My fiance is frightened of that - and they always threaten him with this as this is the only thing they have left to control him with.

I know that it is not the issue - SD14 having her own room - she just wants more attention.... I believe that he has finally got this point... but from the past 4 days of fighting over SD14 having her own room he is not willing to budge. I have had enough and are now starting to question the whole relationship.

or am I just being a selfish?

any advice would be greatly appreciated - Thank you

Honestly, give the kid her

Honestly, give the kid her "own" room. How much skin is it off your teeth to have a bed available for her in a room you already have for only one day a month (or so)? Clean out the room you are using for "storage." Keep it a guest room with a bed big enough to accommodate your parents and other guests and tell SD it is "her room to sleep in when she visits." Make it a guest room you like and are proud of, and allow SD to use it. If she starts trying to dictate what is and isn't in that room, you can calmly but firmly explain to her that as it is your house, you will decide what does and does not go.

With regard to the baby, who knows what is going to happen? You may get pregnant immediately, you may not get pregnant for months or even years, you may not get pregnant at all. I think you are letting a possible future event cloud the present and cause unnecessary grief in your marriage.

Thank you - you have given me

Thank you - you have given me another point of view to consider.

Baby is planned for the next 12 months... it is most likely going to take me that long to sort out the "storage room" working 6 days a week - the only day I get off is to catch up with all the cleaning, shopping and washing ready for the next week.
If I had more time - I would of cleared out the room by now

The matter is SD14 will start to dictate and my fiance will listen and give her what she wants. It's what he does says YES to everything...

I don't agree that every

I don't agree that every other weekend kids should have their own space. A once a month visitor does not get her own bedroom. If she was fulltime, or even every other week, I could see it. My SS is here Tuesday overnights and every other weekend. He shares a room with our DS1. It's annoying that he is barely here overnight yet still occupies half of the bedroom. I couldn't imagine giving an entire room up that you could use more productively so she could hide away in it the one night a month she decides to come. Keep fighting! I know it's hard to get your point across to these Disney Dads but it will be worth it. I know I regret giving up the bedroom fight. DH made me move DD's room to the smallest room to accomodate SS.

Thank you I think that is

Thank you I think that is the reason as to why I am not willing to budge.. As it will never stop, not to mention the fact that I will never get the room back if it is given to her. Compromise yes and there are ways to compromise but a disney dad only see's it from one point of view. I get that he feels gulity and wants to compensate - but there are other ways and means.. eg spend more time with the poor girl.

I definalty agree that a once a month visitor should not have their own room. Ideally she has a bed in a room byherself at the moment. She doesn't have to share the room with anyone. It has doors - yes it has toys as it is a gamesroom, but she also plays with the toys too

A relationship is about give and take - if he keeps giving her what she wants all the time - there is going to be no respect left.

Also it is definlaty not a nice feeling when your whole relationship is in the hands of a 14 year old girl.

I own the house.... I don't

I own the house.... I don't want it to come down to that though - as that is unfair. He contributes to the bills but not the house. I want to avoid bringing that into the equation as it would really divide us and I would like for this to be more about being a team.

She is a very young and immature 14yr old - it is more like she is 11 than 14. and that is as BM gives her everything she could possible want. She is an only child and I feel that she needs to accept more of the family situation.
She doesn't share a room with a 6 yr old - she has a bed in a room by herself at the moment. Yes it is the games room - though it has doors and when she wants time to herself we give it. She also plays with all the toys in the room.

I like your idea of the condition she spends x number of nights per month. I think that is valid and will make her a bit more accountable and responsible for her something of her own.

I greatly want to sort out the spare room - the time I do that baby plans will be in place as they are only 12 months away. Working 6 days a week doesn't leave me with much time. I don't want to store the stuff - I want to sell it.

I think that it is important to be honest with her that we have other plans. I greatly want her to be involved with a new sibling.

Thank you

If she wants the bedroom to

If she wants the bedroom to be completely her own, and no one else able to use it when she's not there, then no I don't see a need for that nonsense.

Agree I just know it will

Agree

I just know it will start off with her willing to share - but she is a single child that for her whole life has gotten what ever she wants.. no one has ever said no.
All it will take is one night for her to not stay in there and it will be on.. she will demand and disney dad will give it to her.

He is willing to throw our relationship away if she doesn't get the room - so I am questioning myself - do I want to be with someone that thinks so little of me?

I have SD14 and SD6 also. We

I have SD14 and SD6 also. We had a two bedroom home. DH and I had our room and the 2nd room was for the girls. They are here every other weekend (4 nights a month) plus additional time as we schedule it. In the summer more ( SD6 10 nights a month) plus additional as we schedule it. Having two girls in the same room with such a gap in age was a pain. SD6 is very much still into toys and they are scattered all over the room, stuffed animals everywhere. We tried to split it down the middle so each girl could have there own side but because of all of the toys, coloring books, stuffed animals etc belonging to SD6 she took over. My poor SD14 felt that she lived in her SD6's room and never had a space of her own while SD6 had a whole room. It was not fair. I threw a fit and told DH that we had to move to a 3 bedroom because it really wasn't fair to SD14. She is a growing young women and she is stuck in what must have felt to her like a nursery. She needs a place that she can study, read, relax and talk on the phone to her friends (a teen's favorite pastime..lol) and a place that when her friends come over they can be and not have to have SD6 right in there business. 6 year olds have no business in every teen conversation you know...all that talk about boys and what not. So...after a few months of persistence we moved into a 3 bedroom. Each girl has there own room and it is WONDERFUL! SD6's room is a toy haven (as it should be for a child of her age) but SD14 has a very simple space (and very small...but its a room and she has been able to put her stamp on it!) it is just her own where she can have some privacy that a teenage girl needs and she can feel like she is more significant to us then just a visitor because she is our child so she most certainly is significant. I dont regret making it happen.

Someone who visits my home 1

Someone who visits my home 1 day every 2-3 weeks is NOT entitled to their own bedroom. Yes, they might be able to sleep ALONE in a bedroom in my house, but there is a BIG difference between giving her "HER OWN BEDROOM" and her "sleeping ALONE in a bedroom".

My hateful mil made a fuss about my DHs kid not having "her own bedroom" in my home. Her view was that although it was MY home, although she had clothes I BOUGHT in part of the closet, as well as TOYS...the whole freaking room should have been decorated with whatever she wanted, new stuff gotten for her, etc...just like for OUR son who lived with us full-time. Thankfully, my DH understood that she had HER OWN BEDROOM at her BMs house and thus, she truly was a VISITOR in our home.

Again, I would move SOME THINGS and let her sleep in the SPARE bedroom alone, but I would NOT purchase any other items that SHE wanted to make it HER OWN BEDROOM. That's crap.

Someone who visits my home 1

Again, I would move SOME THINGS and let her sleep in the SPARE bedroom alone, but I would NOT purchase any other items that SHE wanted to make it HER OWN BEDROOM. That's crap.

How I wish for my fiance to

How I wish for my fiance to be a little more understanding..

My steps share a room (3kids)

My steps share a room (3kids) when they visit. They don't live with us full time and have their own room at there BM house. Full time kids get the full time room. Enough said.

(No subject)

A battle indeed.... I think

A battle indeed....

I think this is the option that we will end up settling on... Ideally I thought that we could take her and get her a loft bed with a desk underneath and maybe a chest of draws or something she can store a few of her things. I want to make it positve and exciting and she can even put posters (good taste) on the wall above her bed. A space to call her own - But in the games room, it is plenty big enough for this.

For a child that stays 1-2 nights a month I think this is enough. I want to make it a positive experience and kind of make a big deal out of it - so she understands we hear what she wants - though all we can do is compromise. We can however give her - her own bed in a room byherself with a space to call her own. But not her own room.

Do we tell her she doesn't stay enough with us? Do we say that we have other plans for the rooms..
Well we do as they all need to be painted etc, I don't really want to get in to the baby conversation until I am pregnant.
and/or just give her the space in the games room.

Good decision! I wouldn't

Good decision! I wouldn't bring any baby conversation up with her - unless you want more problems!

JUST TO UPDATE YOU ALL -

JUST TO UPDATE YOU ALL - Firstly I want to thank you all for your advice..

I sat down with SD14 and had a discussion with her of the plan of giving her, some of her own space. I explained clearly that the rooms are going to be changing in the future and all the rooms need to be painted etc. The best solution that we (dad & I) have come up with is that we can give her a loft bed in the games room a bed that is up high (and out of the way - didn't tell her that) but with a desk and chair and some cupboard space for a few of her things. This is her space.... It will be in the games room - but it is her space.

We will firslty have to save some money, so we need her to be patience, we understand that it is important and we are planning a trip to pick out a bed and dooner cover and sheet set and even a nice print for the wall along with a cupboard or two. and somewhere for the suitcase.
This has been great as I have been able to get a few things for xmas for her new space. Twighlight bed cover, desk chair, etc.

The response from SD14 has been remarkable. She has been texting me and calling me and for the first time has communicated with us that she can not wait to come down... a response that I never thought I would of gotten.

Thank you all for your advice and I do hope this can help some one else...

I have something else to add that was a bit of a shock - we are expecting our first baby - a little earlier that planned - but we are excited and we know that both ther girls are excited. I am so glad that we didn't give SD14 the room as we would of had to of taken it away already. I am so glad that I was able to convince my partner that the space was the best solution.

My ownly problem now I have to over come is my partner is a bit of a "disney dad" and the ex is well aware of this and keeps asking for things... and my point of view is that is what we pay child support for... we already have to drive 8 hrs a weekend when we have SD14 and she only drives 1-2... My aim is to change that by the time the baby comes - wish me luck

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Need advice please - issue with SD14