Anyone else ask DH to see adult kids outside of your house?

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I own my house 100% and DH doesn't pay anything to live here, not even for food. He pays ex wife child support for DS 21 (who hasn't even started college), DS 18 and DD 17. The boys were with me for awhile until I lost it and said I wasn't going to be their doormat anymore. No one wanted to acknowledge that I had a say in my own house and that they couldn't just treat it like a country club because their father lived there. (Did I mention that he doesn't pay anything to live here, not even for food because all his income goes toward child support!)

Ever since he has tried to make me feel badly and says that he never sees his kids because they can't come to the house and that he can't "date" his kids. Am I out of my mind for thinking that this is a load of crap? Does he have to see his kids at my house at my expense, financially and emotionally? Since when is my house the only place that he can get together with them -- which essentially means they would come over and watch sports on tv and exclude me? So that would mean I would be displaced when they visited?

I feel like guilty daddy is just dying to share my nice house with them because he feels guilty that they have to "suffer" living with their mother and her boyfriend.

Am I nuts or does this just seem ridiculous? It's one thing if they came by and actually talked to me and interacted but they literally hang on him physically and make it so I can't even sit next to him. I just cannot go back to letting them have free reign over my property. He tries at every opportunity to shove his kids down my throat. I am discussing hiring landscapers and he tells me that I should "save money" and his kids can come over and do it with him. I've seen their "work" in the past and it entails a few minutes of token help and off they go to play. I don't really want them to "help" me because it isn't really helping me -- it provides him with an excuse to have his kids over at my expense.

He constantly tries to make me feel horrible for not wanting them here and he can never answer why he just can't see them somewhere else so I don't have to be displaced in my own house. And yes I am incredibly resentful that he lives off me, pays ex wife child support and all of them benefit because I support him. I just don't think I should have to provide a venue for them to get together. He does nothing to make their visits any more pleasant for me -- it's up to me to suck it up and roll out the red carpet in his mind.

Is it unreasonable to suggest that they get together somewhere else other than my house? If I were just a girlfriend then it would be completely normal yet because he asked me to marry him all of the sudden I am the asshole? Have I lost my mind or am I getting guilt tripped by DH?

Did you know that he was not

Did you know that he was not going to be contributing financially and that his kids were going to be visiting? Because my first thought was, why did you marry him?

How is 100% of his take home

How is 100% of his take home income going to child support? How does he not have any money for the household? If that's the case then maybe it's time to review child support since obviously he is paying too much.

I do think partners should be respected and their children should not be banned from the home without good reason. If this was his house he shouldn't be able to just ban your kids. However respecting partners in no way means letting them live off of you. I don't understand why your partner isn't financially pulling his weight

I would never in 100 years

I would never in 100 years have married him had I anticipated this scenario. He seemed fine financially when I met him. He is actually an attorney, but his practice has dwindled to nothing and at his age and credit rating he really cannot find any decent work. So after I married him, pretty much his life unraveled and I finally said that I wasn't paying for his kids. He literally lives like a teenager here, with me cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc... The thought of adding his dependents (vicariously my dependents) to the mix at the house would just make me lose it. I don't understand why he doesn't see the situation he has put me in and then he keeps pushing and pushing to have his boys here even though he does nothing himself around the house as far as housework even.

And yes, I agree, that I am enabling this. But what do you do when you think you are marrying someone who loves you and then all of the sudden everything crumbles and you are stuck with a grown man who is a total dependent who puts his child support above everything and is planning on paying one third of his kids (two next year) college tuition. How he is going to do this when he can't even pay a grocery bill is beyond me...

Does it make sense why the thought of adding his kids back into the mix at my house considering the circumstances or am I just losing my mind?

He seemed fine financially

He seemed fine financially when I met him.

I think you were duped.

oops -- pressed save too many

oops -- pressed save too many times! Impatient!

I would never in 100 years

Does it make sense why the thought of adding his kids back into the mix at my house considering the circumstances or am I just losing my mind?

Just tell your DH to shape up

Just tell your DH to shape up and to start being grateful for what he has before he loses it all.

I own both of our homes (and some rental property) and have more retirement income than DH. My DH has never taken this for granted. He is so appreciative and thanks me almost daily for the home I provide. Nor does he ever ask me for money. I do control virtually all of our finances - just because I am better at it.

DO NOT even think of allowing the leaches back in your home. I have a SS30 that has been in my home twice in the past 3 years - neither time for longer than 10-15 minutes. And DH asked permission both times.

When DH moved to my city (which is also where BM and SS live) he of course wanted to share some of his good fortune (my lovely homes) with SS. That part is only natural. But when that became unacceptable to me DH did not give me any grief about it. I made an effort with SS for a couple of years at least.

It doesn't matter why you married him. You do not have to put up with his crotch droppings invading your home. Hang tough. Tell your DH to STFU and to stop being such a loser/user.

What are the thoughts of

What are the thoughts of Steptalk on asking him to see his kids outside of the house? I think I'm dumping him very soon but I just wanted to get some clarity on this because he literally harps at me about this every single weekend. Is it so impossible for him to see his kids somewhere else and not displace me in my own home? They are 18 and 21 .

Thank you notsm3 you put it

Thank you notsm3 you put it very succinctly and nicely. I think my DH should be grateful to me instead of pushing and pushing to have his crotch droppings (good one) here. Like you, I feel like he wants to share his good fortune with them. But when you own everything and pay all the bills I think they do lose their ability to open your doors up to their kids. Really. He tries every weekend to make me feel badly because he isn't seeing his kids. Why the hell can he not do something with them. The only way to see them is to invite them over here to watch tv or use the house that I pay for and maintain?

It would NOT be ok with me to

It would NOT be ok with me to have to completely support my DH unless there were health issues outside of his control. And it would NOT be ok for my DH to contribute zero to household chores etc. Why in the world are you allowing that? Find you voice! I can feel the resentment seething from you.

How about a financial planning meeting with your DH to set a household budget, including his fair contribution to running the household? How about an equitable distribution of chores? If you are working full time and he is not, then he can certainly do the laundry, clean the kitchen, prepare meals, etc. Two people live in your house and two people damn well need to contribute to its healthy functioning. How about some marriage counseling to get your marriage functioning so that you support each other? If he won't go, you go yourself to figure out why you are allowing him to treat you this way.

Then when you feel like you are living with a partner instead of a teenager, I bet you'd be more inclined to have his children visit their dad. Sure, there are plenty of other places for dad and his kids to get together, but I don't really think that's your biggest issue. Not nearly.

The joke is he really cannot

The joke is he really cannot practice law because he did other things and is not up to date at all. He has been looking for a job for two years now and can only find jobs that pay minimum wage and he really has no skills, even computer wise. So in reality it really is pretty much status quo for him not earning much at all. Yet he refuses to get his child support modified because "the judge will not believe that he cannot earn anything as an attorney" and there is no way for him to not pay his share of his boys' college tuition because he says he HAS to. Yet this is a man who cannot even buy groceries and asks to borrow money to put gas in his car. What the hell have I gotten myself into? If he were appreciative and reasonable then money doesn't have to be the dictating factor, but when you add in someone who thinks nothing of adding two college tuitions to his plate starting in the fall without any consideration of what I essentially will be covering for him in the background I get more than resentful.

Guess how much tuition he will be able to afford when he actually has to pay his own bills?

I have reached the point where I feel like I am living with an ungrateful spoiled teenager who thinks he is entitled to anything. And having his kids over is just indicative of me being used to benefit them, but it really boils down to me vicariously supporting them and him taking advantage of this situation.

If he really loved me then he should respect the fact that considering the circumstances I find it virtually impossible to handle adding his kids to my house, even for visits, so they, too, can freeload off me? And he claims he has given up his kids because they can't come to the house. Is this full of crap or what? I think if he can't pay for his kids or even pay for himself and help out as an adult around the house then he has no right to invite his kids over to my house.

There are a zillion free and

There are a zillion free and practically free places he can see his kids. These are not toddlers. At 17, 18 and 21 he does not need a nice "safe" play zone for little kids and their toys.

There are libraries, coffee houses, fast food joints, sports bars and yes even hotel lobbies and parks where they could hangout. He just wants them all to come and mooch off of you. What a total loser.

My DH also brought up the "lets pay SS30 do this job" stuff. One time years ago I had SS fix a faucet connection in the kitchen. DH had to buy tools for him to use that cost more than my long-term plumber would have charged me. With those tools I could have fixed that loose connection (not even a leak) myself.

My DH no longer asks for stuff like that. Last summer we used a young man (totally unskilled) to do a lot of yardwork - cutting down small trees, taking out bushes, bagging up a 100s of bags of yard debris - and paid him very well. DH never once suggested giving SS the money to do these chores.

I have a niece and 2 nephews (20s) that I adore. But I would not want them hanging out at my house for hours every weekend.

Again - hang tough and do not let him make you feel the least bit guilty.

Thanks notasm3. He tries to

Thanks notasm3. He tries to make it seem like I am a total bitch for refusing to have his kids come over to "help" him do yard work. It's just an excuse to have them come over and a pretty transparent one at that. It is infuriating. Then he feels like he doesn't have to lift a finger because the work can only get done if his boys come over. And the times that they have come over to "help" me they literally worked for about 15 min. I don't want to feel like I owe them anything for unsolicited help that is forced on me because their father wants to play with his kids here.

And they are old enough to hang out with their father somewhere else, maybe watching a game at a sports bar. But no. It's up to me to provide the venue. And let's not get into the fact that the younger son barely talks to me. I keep remembering when they lived in my house and finding a filled bottle of urine in his room when I was cleaning up after I asked them to go stay with their mother and DH actually denied that it was his son. Yet he couldn't offer any explanation on how a full bottle of piss ended up under his son's bureau. I guess it was a parting thank you .

And you wonder why I don't want these kids in my house...they are given license to do whatever they want and they never, ever, do anything wrong.

Not sure how long you have

Not sure how long you have been married or what state, but my advice is get out now. I would be worried he would suddenly find legal skills to take you for all he can. I sure hope you have a prenup. Each year the marriage goes on, the more likely it is that you will pay him alimony as well as some of your assets.

Ditto this. Although he

Ditto this. Although he might be too lazy to even do that.

Although if he has half a brain left he ought to be doing cartwheels trying to keep you happy.

I have a prenup but I will be

I have a prenup but I will be a little wary of him anyway. And ouch -- sueu2 -- I agree that I need better boundaries but I think the only thing I have done "wrong" is to let this man take advantage of me. I think we have all been in that boat -- thinking this is THE guy, everything is wonderful and all of the sudden you are hit with the harsh reality that you really are just a pawn to help him with the skids. I am struggling with this because I am probably too considerate and try to make sure that I have tried my hardest. What I am doing wrong, I guess, is allowing any of this shit to happen. And if I didn't allow any of it to happen and I kicked freeloader DH out then I wouldn't have to deal with the problem with the skids.

Trouble is I got married and I am finding it really hard to reconcile what reality is versus what he seemed to portray to me. It really sucks. I keep hoping for signs that the man actually loves me but it seems to always to be all about what he (and I) can do for his kids. It really is like being in the Twilight Zone. The man I fell in love with and married is no longer. Instead I have a spoiled, entitled, immature man who thinks I owe him the world. Do you just shut the lid on your "husband" and flush the toilet? Or do you try to help? The reality is all of this sucks. I'm not trying to take advantage of him at all, rather the contrary. But how much do I have to give and help before I lose my mind?

notasm3 -- "Although if he

notasm3 -- "Although if he has half a brain left he ought to be doing cartwheels trying to keep you happy." Precisely my thoughts -- Who the hell does this man think he is? He brings nothing to the table at all for me. All I ask is for companionship. I am attractive, well educated, independent wealthy and a genuine person. Gee I guess that isn't enough. Let's push my brats onto you and have you pay for all of it! I do not owe this man anything. I do not owe his brats anything. He is more than fortunate that I haven't thrown him out on his ass before now. Yet all he does is whine about his kids not coming over. Every.single.weekend. We make no plans because his kids might be available for him to do something with them. How do you think that makes me, the benevolent benefactress feel? Used? Unappreciated? Like I really don't matter at all? Yep.

Your DH is acting like a

Your DH is acting like a spoiled tween. He needs to grow up! I don't think that will happen as his ego is in the way. You owe him in his mind.

Kick his ass to the curb - he will never stop harassing you about his precious adult babies visiting at your house.

If you think you love him have a relationship with separate dwellings. He can have his own place and have his kids over whenever he wants.

Edited to add. That bottle of piss left behind and DH denying it was from his precious son would have been a dealbreaker for me!

My SD is banned from my home too and DH can go see her anywhere else - just not here.

The man I fell in love with

The man I fell in love with and married is no longer.

He never was, it was an act.

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Anyone else ask DH to see adult kids outside of your house?