Am I wrong?
Hey guys, a need a little advice. My Dh and I recently seriously considered divorce ( about a month ago). We decided that there are things both of us need to work on for the other person.Basically he wants me to be better with skids and I want him to be respectful and understanding of my feelings and caring for me as his wife. He has refused to put our marriage first so working on us is only while working on his skids also. Since this discussion I have been faking it. I am nice to them, I clean and cook for them, they get whatever they want when they are here because he never says no...I don't say a word. I still don't love or care for them so he says I am not doing my part.
Last night his phone went off and it was from his ex. He has sent her a text asking to have his kids one night this week whenever they were free. Now this isn't a big deal but I simply told him. I wish you would talk to me before making plans, I would never tell you know but we need to make these decisions together and decide which night would be best for the both of us. I am in college and we have a 2 year old so life is really hectic. If I have an exam the next day I really don't want to have to wait on his kids.
He got defensive started calling me names and saying that all I do is bitch and make something out of nothing. I tried to explain that talking to me before his exwife is just respectful and caring with everything we have going on.
This morning it got worse. He told me that he is sick of me and I make him unhappy because I can't love his kids. I think that he is being stubborn and selfish. Should he really expect me to love his kids or can't we just compromise and everyone be happy? Including our 2 year old son who could have his parents together and he could actually raise... Unlike his other 2. I told him if thats really how he felt then he should leave. I was not going to be the cause of his problems anymore and I was sick of fighting anytime I want to have a discussion that he doesn't agree with or get his way immediately.
If he were to bring up the idea to me I would not have said no, they are his kids but the fact that he cares so little just proves to me that he doesn't care about this relationship or our 2 year old.
He said he is packing up tonight.. Should I try to stop him or just let him go? I don't want to share time with my son but I don't want to be his doormat either. Please help.
I have tried disengaging and
I have tried disengaging and he says it isn't enough for him. He needs a person who will be a good stepmom. I don't know what to do because I can't do that. I think I am just going to have to let him leave and take care of my own son to the best of my abilities without him.
I can't love my skids either.
I can't love my skids either. When I do interact with them -- it is always forced and fake. I just don't enjoy being around them at all. More importantly, I don't enjoy the man my "D"H becomes when he is around them. I hate what our marriage becomes when they are around. Consequently, I hate who I become when they are around.
I just don't love them. I don't think that I ever will.
My "D"H tried saying that there are plenty of women out there that would love and care for his children. I asked him why he married me then.
Honestly, it's becoming a deal breaker in our home too.
I am so over this bullshit.
I say, especially after being on this website, "GOOD LUCK at finding a woman that will *love* always being "second best" and playing absolutely invisible whenever they want your 100% (which is all the time)..."
I say that there isn't a sane woman out there (note: SANE) that would be happy in this marriage, with him, and with those children.
I know I didn't answer your question. It's not for me to say what you do with your marriage and your son.
However, I hope that you find just a small amount of comfort in the knowledge that you are NOT alone in this problem.
His expectations are
His expectations are unreasonable. What he is really saying is "raise these brats for me even thought I don't give you any authority and you can't have any rules for them either, oh and I'm going to emotionally and verbally abuse you if I don't get my way"
Let him go. You can do *SO* much better. He wouldn't know a good stepmom if one jumped up and bit him in the ass. I bet he hasn't considered that HIS lack of parenting diretly effects how you view the stepkids has he? Nope, you are just supposed to jump when he says and be perfect while he does nothing...
Wait a second, are you sure you aren't married to my XH?
Ok, Manipulative YES! I'm
Ok,
Manipulative YES! I'm sorry that your going through this. Please consider yourself AND YOUR child 1st THEN him.
Would this be any different if your child was only yours and he just wasn't being a good step-parent? Not any different at all! For him to insist that YOU need to change is ridiculous! He knew what he was getting into with you and accepted that when you had a child together.
I do not want to point fingers, but I had a situation like this just 2 weeks ago and it was NOT a pretty discussion!
Involve his children in this discussion with him a try to come to some kind of agreement. Don't throw this marriage away and put everyone in pain unless you have found out what the REAL issues are!!!
Oh, WOWWWWW! Well, I would be
Oh, WOWWWWW! Well, I would be quiet tonight and see what he does. This is NOT about the children. There is more going on here... You are right, losing a few days a month to a custody schedule is better than staying with this juicebag... I feel for ya. Been there. I usually try to play devil's advocate, but I am 100% with you on this one! Let us know how it went. Deep breath.
He's self centered and is not
He's self centered and is not going to change. His woman takes care of his children and his next woman will be charged with taking care of 3 children. You're little better than hired help in his world.
Don't make a mistake of having more children with a new husband until you're sure of your foundation in the marriage.
As for tonight have his empty suitcase on the bed.
I completely agree!
I completely agree!
Sounds like you have
Sounds like you have experience!!
Him expecting you to love his
Him expecting you to love his kids is absurd! WTF? Can't they (DHs) just be satisfied with us tolerating their kids being in our personal space and treating them halfway nice? If you're not hurting or abusing them, then what is his problem?
That is seriously a jerk
That is seriously a jerk move, and nothing that you need to deal with or feel guilty about. My question, though, is "DOES HE UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A "STEP-PARENT?!" Expecting you to love kids that you did not give birth to, when HE (I am assuming) is not a step-father himself and does not know that loving your own children and loving someone else's kids is NOT the same, because from what I understand, they are all biologically HIS.
Your in the exact same
Your in the exact same situation im in!!! Except we have a baby in the way , I gotta say what you said was justified. You are 100% in the right to ask him to talk to u about it first before he gives bm free range to pick a day, it was not up to her to pick a day it's up to you and dh to pick and see if I works with his stupid ex... It is my opinion since I'm in the exact situation pretty much is that he got defensive because maybe he figured u wanted to know about it so u can say. I they are not coming, or that he really is just fed up with the issues at hand and figures you have no say in te matter anymore. Now he's dead wrong! If u live wih him as his wife u have all the right to know exactly what is goin on in your own home and honestly if he can't handle that then he should pack his bags and go be a selfish prick somewhere else. I know u have a two yr old and that makes it hard but just let him go this time, don't try to stop him even help him pack his shit and have it ready for him when he gets home he will be taken aback and see that you are not a door mat , men are funny that way u need to stand up to him and let him go even encourage it! If he truley loves you he will think about things and miss u like crazy and come back, I guarantee it! But u have to show him that u have had enough or he will just keep on bing a dink and not compromising with you . Oh and one more thing you are not obligated to pretend to be nice to his skids any longer girlfriend, that is not doing anything for this problem and in fact might be making I worse, u have a choice to disengage from everything to do with the skids , your two yr old is your responsibility he skids are not. And he is wrong if he expects you to love them or even like them, maybe in a perfect world buddy! He needs to come down to reality! I've told my dh I don't love his kid I don't even really like him but I hope one day I will grow to... But I that doesint happen oh well!:) your relationship with your dh should come first to anything and that includes kids... You are suppost to be a indestructible united front and the kids come second... Girl if he is putting u after the kids then let him go because u are worth more than second best. Good luck to you
Just an update: Last night he
Just an update:
Last night he came home and said he was packing his stuff... I said ok. I really didn't say much but just ok the whole time he was talking. Finally I told him that our marriage was falling apart because he was a stubborn asshole who is unwilling to put our marriage first. He replies with I would be able to put us first if you could just show me that you can be happy when my kids are here. I just looked at him. He then starts talking about money and our son. I told him I would be fine without him financially I would make it work but that I was not going to go days without my son. I am not choosing a divorce he is and I am not choosing part time with my son he is. He FREAKED out. Started threatening to take me to court and blah blah blah. I just sat there and said ok. Finally, he started looking for his ID to go get a new place and after searching for 2 hours he "couldn't find it" I don't know if he really couldn't but this meant he could not go get a hotel room. I asked if I could drive up there with him and sign for it...he said no.
He sat on the couch and just looked at me. I asked what he wanted. He said he was sad...I said so was I. He asked if I wanted to keep trying. So I asked if he was ever going to put us first...When he sees that I can be happy regardless of his past was his response.
I know I should have packed his stuff. I know I am never going to be happy in this marriage. I know that I am always going to be second best. I know that I am his maid and his child care provider. I know all of this, but him threatening taking my son I couldn't handle. So I guess I am destined to be in this shit whole forever because I can't say no. I want him to stay so I can see my son everyday. I want him to stay so that I don't have to worry financially. I want him to stay because for some reason I still love him.
I don't know how I am going to be happy when skids are here. I really don't like them, but I have to find a way to fake or make it work to I guess see if he is going to change. If not then I am just prolonging the inevitable..
Huh what a selfish prick, I
Huh what a selfish prick, I cannot believe that he would speak to you like that, you are just asking for some consideration and respect, as for loving the skids, with his attitude no wonder you don't, these things cannot be forced, maybe if you felt like a valued member of the family you would be more likely to like them.
You know maybe divorce is the answer, he sounds horrible, you seem to be the only one making an effort, he dos'nt seem to care how you feel. He obviously dos'nt want to go and I think he was waiting for you to beg him to stay, when that did'nt happen it took the wind out of this sails, maybe you should stop asking him to put your marridge first, that just annoys them, instead ask for consideration and respect, from him and his kids, there is no reason to feel trapped and you will survive without him, so there needs to be a big shake up or get him out, life is too short to be miserable, take some power back and tell him respect me or leave.
Here is something to think
Here is something to think about. He not only puts his FIRST children before you and your marriage, he also puts them before YOUR child together. He started changing his mind, not to keep YOUR child from living that life, but because he thought about HIM not being able to see his son or be with him when he wanted. He is a selfish prick who will always put his "firsts" before his "currents."
Oh no... I understand he
Oh no...
I understand he doesint want to leave and it was just a power control thing.. Honestly tho, unless you tell him to leave or you leave at least for a few days to get him to think then this situation will sadly stay the same.. I suggest doing what janeyc said to do and keep your power as long as he sees your not going to do anything about this he's you to stand his stubborn ground! And that sucks for you! You are not here to make somebody else happy in life, your life is #1 and your current sons life as well. Maybe show him some of these posts that you have gotten from us, maybe seeing another persons points of view will make him see things from a different perspective and that his relationship with you does not only revolve around him and his own happiness, he is being EXTREMELY selfish and no offense but you are being too passive about it.. Stick up for yourself girl and remember he can never take your son away from you! You know that! Courts are always in the mothers favour anyways!! 
hold your head high!
another fight this morning...
another fight this morning... I can't handle all this fighting. I appreciate all of you so much but I just can't make myself leave yet I was going to let him go but when he asks to try I can't say no. Last night while we were having family time he leaves to go golfing...ok mans time I get it....then sends me to buy fireworks so he can rest. This kind of shit just annoys me. I do everything around here..all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the grocery shopping, and you can't get your ass off the bed to buy our sons first fireworks because you played golf all day!!!!!!! SO i kept my mouth shut and did it. While I was out I got a text from him saying he was thinking about getting skids from 430 to 8, if I was ok with that. I said that was fine and asked if he has talked to the gma yet (bio gma has physical custody) he says no. About an hour later while setting up fireworks his phone goes off and guess what is the gma with an answer and he has texted her before me. I know this is petty and wasn't worth fighting over but we had just had a discussion about talking about things before making decisions and yet he went to her first, me second to cover his ass, and then lied to me!
This morning he is stomping around all pissed off doesn't tell me bye and then walks back in searching through our filing cabinet. Storms into our bedroom and asks for his birth certificate " I need it to get a new ID so that I can get away from you. I am so tired of you. You need to learn when to pick your battles and you can't do that. I can't f-ing stand you." And he walked away.
I am so sad. I don't know how I am supposed to have a relationship with a person that I can't even talk to. Everything regarding this situation just makes me unhappy. Yet he expects me to be happy when skids are here. They are RUINING my life. I can't stand the situation. How the hell am I even supposed to fake it or hide my anger when I see them? He is never going to change is he? I am putting myself through hell trying to make this man happy so he can be the person that I need; a supportive, honest, caring, passionate, loving, respectful, & affectionate husband. Is that really too much to ask out of a partner?
As for showing him this post it would only piss him off more. I can't talk to him about this subject if it is seen as negativity. I am so lost.
*sigh* dear you cannot change
*sigh* dear you cannot change somebody who is unwilling to change, clearly he is not and you are acting like a walking living breathing doormat. He Is being pretty abusive to you emotionally and I cannot see why you would want to subject yourself to that if he is clearly not going to change. I wanna say leave and run for the hills or waste your life's happiness trying to change the unwilling, but if you want a last ditch effort tell him it's either going to a family counsellor or your breaking up with him.. He sees u as weak, take your power back girl ! He's no the only male on this earth.
I never thought of it that
I never thought of it that way but after I read your post...hes just not that into you.... I brought it up. He yelled at me today in the car because I told him it would be nice to hear a little positive recognition when I do things that he has asked like being "what he needs" from me to his kids. He told me that i was an adult and shouldn't get a gold star for finally being a good person..
So I asked him...why are you here. Are you even into me...do you even love me.....He said he has no emotions toward me but anger. That he loves me but is not in love with me and is here in hope that he will find it back.
I am done. I am waiting until we finish getting our debt paid off so that I will be able to provide for my son and live on my student loans while I finish college. So I will be his doormat for another 6 months and then without any notice I am going to slap him with divorce papers. He can F*CK OFF as far as I am concerned. He is a total prick and I don't deserve to have to live my life walking on eggshells around a stubborn asshole.
Thank you guys so much for opening my eyes and making me realize that I am fighting for something that is never going to work. I love my son and I will have custody of him but I am not going to live my life feeling bad about myself because DH has too high of expectations and nothing else is good enough.
I deserve a man that will spontaneously so nice things for me. That tells me I am pretty. That treats me with respect. And though I may not ever find that at least I will be living happily with my son.
You can do it sunshine. YOU.
You can do it sunshine. YOU. CAN. Don't wait 21 years like I did.
No you aren't wrong. Boot him
No you aren't wrong.
Boot him before it's too late and be happy !!!
Ok first of all even if it is
Ok first of all even if it is so you should never admit that you don't love his kids. What if you had a kid from a previous relationship and he said that about your own fleshing blood. I have two sk and they are BRATS FROM HELL!!!!! Wealthy grandparents who even give my son different treatment than their bio grandkids. I spent about 40 bucks on new stuff for summer camp. Bio grandkids got about 300 dollars worth of stuff for summer camp. Its insane the difference that they make. The problem is that when he remarries he is suppose to marry someone who will love and accept his children (for the childrens sake) he clearly failed at doing that. Now I don't always like my sk and dh is very aware of this but me wishing for them to not exist is absurd because they do. Being a step mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The lines that are drawn are blurry lines and sometimes I can't tell the difference between whats fair and whats not. From my point of view you are wrong. There is most certainly a way of dealing with the issues but you have got to remember that once the stone is thrown you can't un throw it.. Even if I'm not always doing the right thing the fact that I try makes all the difference to him.
Ata girl! Glad to hear you
Ata girl! Glad to hear you are stepping up and taking your life back! Things with me and dh are failing by the day, I'm a hormonal miserable sad angry pregnant woman and my dh just doesint understand why I'm actin like a crazy person! No to mention today is his day to pick up the brat kid for the weekend Ughhh! God help me! I'm already losing my mind now I have to deal with a bratty in cute whiney little kid and I'm sure dh won't step up and parent his kid appropriately when he does bad things.. I'm sure this weekend will be nothing but pure hell!!
haha sorry I got side tracked there! I'm glad you came to your senses girl, and your doing it smart tooo! Get that debt down then get the hell out!!!!! I'm pretty sure I'm well on my way there too, getting out debt down and working on my nest egg so that I won't be broke when I have officially had enough which I'm sure won't be too far away.. I don't know what is in our futures and it's scary to think about considering we have children, but I'm sure anything else is better than this! We will find other men one day if we choose preferably without kids! And we will have good lives... The first step is always the hardest, but every step we take after the first gets easier and I'm sure we will look back one day and go "what the hell was I thinking sticking around for THAT!!!???"
I left my first marriage like
I left my first marriage like this ... I stashed away money, made my plans, etc. while marking off the days til I could leave. It actually helped having a positive, achievable goal rather than being the only one working on a problematic relationship. Once I made the decision to leave and made a plan, I got way more sane, became less angry, and was focused on the future. If I can do it, I'm sure you can, too. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
^^^^Totally agree with
^^^^Totally agree with Ladyrider ^^^^^^^^^
It sounds like you are
It sounds like you are married to my DH! I absolutely cannot stand his kid & she is with us every other week for the full week (50/50). I am miserable. I get no respect. Pretty much everything you said you are going through, I am also going through & I know plenty of people on this site are also going through. My DH says the same thing about how he can find someone else- HA!- go ahead & try. I'm sure they can "find" women, but I don't know who in their right mind will stick around once all these men's issues come to light. Best of luck to you! Stay strong!
The hardest thing about
The hardest thing about marriages that already have kids is that you are already judged. So I say to hell with your ex past and family and if they don't like your life or the fact that your past counts too divorce the cock bite and find someone WITHOUT that kind of past! The world is big and allot of people DO NOT have step kids!
My creeper step son that is
My creeper step son that is madly in love with himself pushed me and threatened me with the police! He now lives in the middle of a corn field in an amish town of 200 hundred people. Can you imagine a 14 year old boy stuck there with gramma!