First of all, children are not necessarily the ultimate form of happiness.

He had children with her but it sounds like he didn't love her and that didn't change just because she had his children. Apparently, she was just the womb.

My DH loves his daughters but his love for them has absolutely nothing to do with their mothers (yes, he was married twice, I know about baggage). I have given him no children (by choice) and he loves me unconditionally and has always put me first. We have been together longer than his first two marriages combined.

My DH appreciates me more because of what he went through in his first marriages. He now knows what love and partnership really is and knows how hard it is to find. He cherishes me everyday and does his best not to take me for granted. Now, part of that is because of the kind of person he is, but part of it is what he went through before me.

Not to mention, we may have never met.

Whatever my DH and your FDH have been through in the past, is what made them the men they are now, the men we fell in love with.

I wish I could offer advice but I cant, as im in the same situation and I only have negative things to say. I cant for the life of me see any silver lining with this type of setup.....ie a single father with a childless woman. There are just too many negatives imo and there will never be enough "pros" to the situation. In any way you spin it, absolutely any way its spun....his baggage will always ruin the situation and it will always be unfair for you.

Im in the exact same boat. And Ive learned a lot. Enough to pack my things and walk away at this point. Love will never be strong enough to fix this shit set up. Never. Im bein honest with myself now.

I'm pissed BM even exists. DH (14 yrs my senior) and I have been together 8 years. Almost left him due to SS & BM. For me it's still not really any better. We just avoid talking about BM & SS. Personally it has gotten worse over the years. I hate that he has already done so many things that are firsts for me. Currently no bios, don't know if he'd be all that into it since its not new and exciting to him. Tonight has been shitty so I'm in a pretty hateful mood.

DH is 10 years my senior with a 12 year old son. We were just married in August this year. I feel the same way with you mostly, but not about her giving him the ultimate happiness of a snotty ass cesspool kid. Oh, and I really hate my SS and the BM. Yeah it sucks that he has a kid, and a xwife. It really sucks that he didn't meet me first, but we would have never met if it wasn't for his past. I have been through one hell of a soul searching journey, and I'm still on this journey. I didn't exactly know what I was getting into, but I wasn't going to pass up a life without my DH because of Cesspool. Just now adays....everyone here on this forum gets to hear me bitching constantly about SS or BM. I sometimes let BM consume me when she acts like a twat about twice a month. All the games she plays with DH rages the hell out of me. It has helped me by documenting all of her bullshit in my notebook to keep in case we need it sometime. But I will try to get out of seeing her at all costs. BM is 15 years older than me so SS thinks I am like an older sister and not an adult. Whatever, she's a jealous bitch. I hate going to all of SS sports games because A, I don't like sports, and B, I don't want to see BM. It gives me terrible anxiety.

With an older man you have to remember he will have already done a lot of things that are firsts for you. While it may be special to you it may not be a big deal for him. Men tend to be this way but much more so with an age difference.

I have just joined this forum and your post sounds like my story. Dating a guy for 2+ years, 15 years my senior, I love him like i dont recall loving anyone before, we talk, we laugh, it feels right, its great when its just us, but he has two skids - who I have a reasonably good relationship with.

I struggle with his past from time to time. I dont deny anyone a past, I have one. Only mine doesnt include being married for over a decade and fathering children. He has so many life experiences that we will never share together that its sometimes hard to not dwell on these rather than think of the things we DO have. I dont think that this will ever go away in all honesty. THe skids bring it up a lot, not in a vicious way, but they are older than yours and will frequently talk about 'when mum and and were together' and bring up happy memories of christmas, birthdays, anniversary parties, etc. It breaks my heart. My OH has started to tell the skids about appropriate conversations and that while they are welcome to remember all of these occasions, the adults involved (mum, dad and mum and dads new partners) likely do not want to hear about them.

THe only advice i would give is firstly to share how you feel with BF, and ask him to help boost your confidence. Get him to tell you the things he loves about you that are special to only you. Most men are rubbish talkers but i found that when my OH opens up about his feelings for me, and says that he never felt this for BM, it makes all the shit seem worthwhile. I'd also make that mental list of reasons why you are better than BM. Keep that to yourself, but as much you worry about her i bet she worries about you, as Meerkat says, she is probably insecure about you! I know in my situation BM hates the fact that i am that much younger and slimmer than her, I have a good job and drive a flashy car. Thats not important to me, but i know it grates her - OH told me. Little things like if your BF loves football and BM hated it but you like it and watch it with him, that means a lot to him (certainly in my house!). My OH no longer has to go out to watch the game, he loves that we can do it together, and i know BM hates that i just perfectly fit into his life liking things he does.

Stay strong, and remind yourself every day that YOU are the one he WANTS to be be with and CHOOSES to be with.

Hello! New to this site and just came across this. Never really, thought others were in the same boat as me on this! This site is so helpful and a breath of fresh air!

Here is my story. My SO of 4 years has been separated/divorced for almost 6 years. She is repulsed by her ex and has absolutely no desire to even see him, let alone be with him. She has made that clear to him as well as me. He is a deadbeat dad who has little involvement with their 2 kids (he wants to, but his kids 17 & 14) do not really want much to do with him. 

My SO has been nothing but loving, supportive and perfect since we met. She is not the problem. Her ex has moved on, so he isnt really the probelm either. So, whats the problem them?? 

I am jealous of the past they shared. It's so silly I know it. Life only gives you so many milestone. Engagements, marriage, buying your first house, babies, etc... I am so sad that I will never get to experience these things with her. That he got to and I didnt. Now, I did experience all of those things with my ex. Thats the hypocritical thing. Haha.

This doesnt consume me by any means. We have a very happy and productive relationship (except for her kids, but thats a whole different story). I just get sad from time to time when I think about all of the things he got to share with her that I will never get to....

Exact same boat.  And we also have no bios, something I regret a TON but I don't want to start over with an infant at my age.  I am counting down the years until CS stops.  My biggest issue is not only did BM get all the "firsts" with DH, but she also gave him a son.  She will always be in our lives because of this.  And it drives me nuts. 

DH was nice enough to share a LOT about his past with BM and it drove me bonkers.  I hated how they bought their first house together and how un-involved she was.  I hated the lavish parties they had together, the professional family pictures, the many outings with BM family.  I hated hearing about him proposing to her in Hawaii after renting a white limo to go to a luau, proposing via microphone in front of tons of people; whereas I was proposed to in the basement at my cousins house.  The list goes on. I am jealous of the time that BM got with him before SS, the carefree and fun, no worrying about planning things because you don't need to check the gdamn calender to see if it falls on a "visitation day/weekend"  DH.  I do not blame SS for existing but I know that all of DH selfishness and neurotic tendencies are due to SS existing, and it kills me.  If SS didn't exist, I would get to experience everything BM did. I have my good days and I have my very bad days.  I don't know if we ever will really "get over" our husbands having a past.  All I can think of is "it should have been me first and not her".

My DH was married for like 17 years or so before he was divorced. He’s 13 years older than me. He and BM experienced a lot of things together. He told me he cut the cord on all 3 of his kids. And while there was a time when they were happy (just as I was in a previous marriage, even though we were only together 5 years) over the years she cheated on him a bunch of times and eventually he left when his kids found out about it and told him he should. I personally think if the kids hadn’t found out he would have kept letting her abuse him. He really loved her. 

He’s also told me a lot about their relationship before. At some point I had to tell him it was TMI because I didn’t want to know enough to be able to visualize what their relationship was like. I also think it helps that I was married before too, even though it wasn’t as long and we didn’t have kids together (thank god.) And there are times when I miss the friendship I had with my ex, before things went sideways. And I’m sure there are times that he misses things about BM too, because you can’t help it when someone was a big part of your life. 

The best things to do are be understanding (that there is a past) and secure enough with yourself to not let it affect you. I used to wish that we met when we were younger, but there’s no way I would have been mature enough to handle any situation like this and I would have walked away as soon as I heard “kids.”

I am 12 years the elder in our marriage.  My bride of approaching 25 years is amazing and every day I have with her is the new best day ever.   She had SS-26 when we met.  I was 3 years post divorce from my cavern crotched adulterous whore of an XW who did not comprehend that marriage ended dating and shopping the pooty to every swinging Johnson she could get hold of.

It may be strange for me to say, but... I would not change a thing for either one of us.  We are both the composit of our life experiences and I would not change a thing about us and our lives together.

You may want to refloat your perspective on your FDH's past.  He is the composit of his life experience as are you.  That life experience is part of what makes him the man you want to make a life with. Like you, I have no BKs.  That my bride had our son before we met, does not discount the amazing woman that she is.

Good luck.