jHe said I didn't have to love or like it, just tried to understand
In my last post I mentioned I was leaving my BF and then we had a long talk yesterday. He listened to my concern and he said he didn't want to give up on us. He said he didn't need me to love or like the arrangement, just tried to understand. He asked if I would be willing to give it one last try. I said yes. So now my problem is: how do I do that? I understand in my head that he is a father, he used to have his children 24/7 before the divorce, now he only has them 50% of the time, so to him, the more time he can get the merrier. But they are not my kids, I did not make them with him, they did not live inside me for 9 months. I didn't even know them until they were 10 and 11, to me, they are the intruders, I don't want to have them around so much. If I could have my way, I would rather he take them out, spend time with them somewhere else even if it would mean that he would spend a couple days during and the whole weekend away from me. But of course it's only a fantasy, it will never happen. Could anybody share with me how do you go from hating the skids around to okaying (I don't dare to imagine liking or loving at this point) with them around half of the time? Can anyone help or direct me to some older posts that mentioned about it? I really want to be able to do this but my heart is not cooperating, my heart wants them to disappear. 
One of the difficult things
One of the difficult things about dealing with someone else's kids and another woman/BM is that you lose a bit of control of your life and your man's. It's hard. When it is your own child, you are more than happy to drop everything to accomodate the child's needs, but not so willing when it is imposed by a BM or a child that is not yours.
That being said, there are things you can do to minimize this. Assuming there is a visitation schedule, make sure BF knows what you are / aren't willing to do. Are tuesdays family dinner night - cooked by him? Are Wednesday nights the night that they all go out for daddy/child time (once they complete HW). Is Saturday morning your time on your own and then Sat evening you all do a family movie night? Do you and BF always have a date night on a specific night - whether kids are there or not?
Those kinds of things and regularity will be helpful for you, kids and BF.
These are things that he can do to show you that he understands what you are sacrificing in order to be in this relationship with him and that he can be respectful of your time and provide predictability for all involved.
When you say 1/2 the time, do
When you say 1/2 the time, do you also mean when the kids are on vacation or do you take care of them while your DH is working, etc? Because although I can understand his point of view, his kids are not your responsibility. If he has them after school, he better be there with them at your home from the minute the kids arrive...if he has to work, then he needs to find daycare for them and take them home when HE arrives. The same applies to vacations. If your DH will be at work, you should not be his free baby sitter for when he gets home...He needs to assume that if he were alone, he would have someone else watch them or not see them as often, that's a part of life...sorry, not your problem. I never agreed to anything similar and I am glad I didn't. It only took me about 3 weeks to tell DH, "ok, you want your kid FRI-SUN? Then you will NOT work SAT and stay with her...otherwise, you will have her SAT-SUN after you get out of work...NOT my responsibility to watch his kid while he worked.
They will only be here when
They will only be here when my BF is present mainly because the BM hates me (I actually thank her for that so I will never have to babysit). But still I feel uncomfortable whenever they are here especially when they always have other kids in the house, namely "their friends", I feel that they turned the house into a common room. The only thing I did was insisted to my BF that they could never enter our bedroom under any excuses. When they turned the music up I put on my earplugs, so I am tolerating every second during their stay. I try to get out of the house as much as I can but there is only so much time you can spend outside alone by yourself.
Sounds like you and BF need
Sounds like you and BF need to come to an agreement regarding house rules and then, as the adults in the home, present them to the skids.
Since it is now summer, you can present them as "summer rules and expectations".
Allow me to say this in a
Allow me to say this in a loving way .I donot think it is your heart - just old fashioned intuition. He does not have his stuff together and wants you to understand him. It is not a one way street . He needs to understand you too. I was also at this juncture a year and a half into the relationship. I wanted out , wrote a letter and just wanted to leave. I knew it was not a good idea in my heart or intuition. He talked me into staying and the damage for me was much bigger. Since then I follow and listen to my intuition.
If he really cared he will get his stuff together and when he wants to be with you he will find you.I am talking from experience.
Go about and enjoy your carefree loving life and let the sunshine in your hair shine bright. Enjoy life - it is so short to be spend on such things. He is not ready and wants somebody to fix his messes . It is his mess and he needs to fix it. If he cannot - tough luck! Enjoy life and your vibrant healthy years. You are worthy of the best!Love always in your heart!
I don't know if this will be
I don't know if this will be helpful to you or not but:
Like you, I insist that the kids do not enter our bedroom unless invited, usually if I am helping one of them do get ready and the other is using the only other hairdryer in their room.
The must knock. We even installed a lock on the door because telling them was not working. If I was in there, I would lock the door, so if they wanted me for anything they were forced to knock. Now I rarely lock the door as they have been trained. I also lock the door when we go out and SS16 is home alone as I don't want any snooping. I know I snooped when I was 16 so fully expect that he would have the same nosiness!
They do not have friends over to play at our home. This is their time with their Dad and not play time with friends. This has been explained to them. If they want to play with friends they do it at BM's house in the extra time that she has them. They also don't have play dates at other kids' houses in Dad time, more's the pity! SS16, is allowed his GF over if he asks but only because they are quiet. No loud music or loud TV. If they want it on, they have to be respectful of other people in the home.
If they are doing my head in, Dad must take them out to burn off some energy or if we're poor that week, or its raining, I go and have a lay down whilst he somehow keeps them quiet (duct tape? who knows?).
When I am clearly nagging them to do something or not do something, he has to step up because its not my job. The thought behind this being that if I was doing/not doing something which was pissing him of he'd tell me to sort it out and Vice Versa so why not the kids? He'd do it in a public place if his kids were annoying strangers. I must be afforded the same courtesy
I can tell the kids off and discipline as I see fit (no spanking or screaming) and he has to back me up. This works both ways. It is my home and my life too and I don't have to accept crappy behaviour from anyone.
The SKIDS schedule must suit me as well as him and BM. There are three people in this arrangement and a fourth if BM ever has a live in guy. The kids are kids and don't really have much of a say in the schedule except for the 16 yr old who now arranges his time directly with his Dad and I, but he understands that I get my say too so he's better off approaching me and explaining what he'd like to do to get me on side first!
These are our 'rules' now don't get me wrong, quite regularly these go right down the pan (like right now, I'm furious) and it usually results in an arguement, but it does make him aware of what I need to be able to stay reasonably sane and play nicely with others.
A bit of reminding or a meltdown ensues and we're right back on track for about a month. We have not yet mastered respecting my feelings and boundaries all of the time but it has greatly helped me cope with having SKIDS and just having the 'rules' in place as he agreed to them at the time, which means that in my defense, he has broken the agreement so of course I'm going to be upset.