I'm new to this, and have sought out this forum through desparation! So here goes.....

I have been in a relationship with my DH for about 4 years and am fortunate to love and be loved by a gentle, kind, caring supportive, respectful man. Yay!

With him comes two SSs, an SS10 and SS13. I've always had difficulty liking and tolerating SS13 - talks obsessively, games obsessively, and talks about games obsessively, to the exclusion of undertaking most other normal simple daily activities, and in a way which is constantly disrespectful and ignorant to anything else going on around him. He doesn't really game when he is with us because we jam pack the time full of other (often physically active) activities, which is exhausting for us when they are with us, but it's not possible to stop him talking obsessively about gaming! SS10 on the other hand, was verging on delightful in the early days, however now is turning into a small replica of his controlling, manipulative, carniving, soul destroying, self-centred, disrespectful, narcisisstic (need I go on) BM }:) . Together, the SSs are pressing every single foul button I have, and some I didn't know I had!

The SSs spend about every 2nd weekend with us, as well as the majority of school holidays, each visit involving a 5.5hr return trip for the SSs (which is less than ideal). I'm beginning to dread them coming, to resent them, to "hang out" for their departure, and to look for every possible way to remove myself from the "family" when they are here, and to not spend time with them.

I've just spent the weekend away with my DH and the SSs in a beautiful location with lots of great kids activities. MY DH had to work one full day shift during the time away, so I cared for the SS's during that time. The day was horrendous and I felt ready to commit some form of horrific act by the end of it!!!! The SS's were negative, unhappy about everything I and my DH tried to do for them, nothing was good enough, they whinged about doing any of the great activities available, and hardly said a single thank you for any of the great things they did/received over the entire weekend, their manners were apauling, they were extremely rude to a friend who we met up with. We got home yesterday, and today, I feel soul destroyed and like I don't want to see anyone to do with those children (including my DH) for a month.

The thing is, that the SSs aren't actually bad kids. They attend school, they generally (even if for a short time) respond to strongly presented discipline when it really counts, they are mentally well, and a good bit of the time you can have a conversation with them. I know there are plenty of kids who are a millions times worse and more difficult.

However, knowing this makes me feel even worse. I am conflicted because I detest them, can't stand to be around them and am finding it more and more difficult to not let that show (arguably I already do!). Somehow I feel I should be grateful for having two young men in my life (I don't have bio kids of my own, nor will I ever, and don't want them). I wonder if I'm just experiencing what every parent experiences and should therefore just "suck it up". I cringe at the thought of them arriving, and the thought of looking after them. They make me want to scream, tear my hair out and say and do things that have never previously entered my mind in my whole life. I am not an angry or aggressive person, and I feel horrible. I feel selfish by wanting my own space, by wishing they weren't around, by feeling anger towards my DH because of his BSs behavior, by feeling like I should be able to tolerate them.

Unfortunately my DH does shiftwork that frequently spans weekends, and because the SSs reside with their BM about 250km away, they are quite frequently in my care overnight while my DH works. If my DH is working during they day while the SSs are with us, I try to arrange for them to visit their friends or grandparents, ie I try to minimise the time I am caring for them. If I don't make myself available to provide this care/support to my DH during these shifts, my DH will hardly ever get to see his BSs. The BM will make sure of that. We have a court order, and follow it to the letter. Its the only way to deal with the BM.

This sounds petty when I write it down, but it's sending me crazy, and makes me want to run for my life!!!!! I love my DH and I'm totally committed to making it work with him so need to find my calm(-ish) place amongst all this. I welcome any advice or tips about what I can do to manage myself and my own needs within this dynamic, and to help me feel less internally conflicted. Please help