I've been having a rough couple of days. There are things going on in my life (outside of being a SM) that are beyond my control, but are causing some major struggles, so all of my issues with being a stepmother have been bubbling to the surface and causing conflict between DH and I. I've honestly started thinking if taking on this stepmother thing was perhaps a bit more than I realized and I've been dealing with some serious regret.

In my mind, I've been trying to go through everything in my head to figure out why this feels so hard. My hope is that if I can articulate all these things, then maybe I can process through them and figure out how to bring some happiness into my life.

1) I feel like my life is not my own anymore. DH and I have moved to a home in the suburbs to be closer to his children (BM moved them farther away a few months after DH and I met). It's been a difficult transition. I'm now nearly an hour away from everything in my life and it's been difficult to establish a new life out here. My SSs are with us EOWE. When they are here, life stops. DH expects me to be around so we can all do things as "a family". If something comes up on his weekend with the kids and the kids aren't invited or can't go along, he doesn't want to go. I don't get invited to some parties anymore, because DH insisted on bringing SSs even though they were the only children there. He can't understand that people might not want to hang out with his children. I arrange everything around his schedule with the children, even when BM refuses to, throwing my whole schedule into chaos whenever she insists on changing DH's weekend at the last minute to accommodate her.

2) It's been a struggle for DH and I to build a relationship outside of his children. Before we were married (even before we were engaged, I think), I told him that for things to work for us was if he and I had part of our relationship that didn't involve his children. He loves to tell me that I have him 26 days of the month and his children are only around for 4 days a month, but when his children are not with us, he's either resting because he's tired or planning things to do with his children. When I've suggested things that we could do, he typically has an excuse for why he can't can't do the things I suggest (they cost too much, he's too sore and tired after a long day of work, he's just not interested). Every time DH plans something, a trip, an activity, a big purchase, it's always with his kids in mind. We went on a cruise (his choice) for our honeymoon and he spent the whole time talking about how much he wanted to take his kids on a cruise, he even booked one for them while we were still on our cruise (which I cancelled because we do not have the money for that). I know his children are a big part of his life, but I also expect our marriage to be a big part of our life.

3) My SSs are needy, immature, entitled, and unremarkable. I met my SSs when they were 9. They had moved beyond their "cute" stage, but DH still babied them, so they never quite moved into their "interesting" stage. When I first met them, DH would tuck them into bed at night, read them a picture book, and lie down with them until they fell asleep. The first time we all went away to DH's family cabin, he slept upstairs with his boys (who had turned 10 by that point) and I slept downstairs alone. Every weekend was a stream of activities, all of which required spending money. Nothing is ever enough, if they get one treat, they pout because they didn't get two. If we do one thing, they're angry when it ends that we couldn't do another thing. They don't do schoolwork and cry that "dad is being mean to us" when DH tells them they need to start working hard. When DH tries to set consequences for SSs not doing what they need to do, BM comes screaming at him that he's a terrible father and he's only trying to cause drama for her. So, they live in a world without consequences, where things are just given to them without even the most basic requirements. I'm not allowed to call DH out for bad behavior while they are around, because "conflict makes them nervous". DH also falls back into his old routines when they are around, making me feel like I don't exist or have no husband. One of my real challenges is that my SSs are not interesting, they're not fun, they're boring. I meet other kids sometimes and think, I wish my SSs were that funny or interesting or interested in things. Sometimes, if we push them, SSs will try things and discover that they have fun, but getting them to try anything is a challenge. It takes so much extra energy to try to build a relationship with children when I feel like I'm trying to cajole a reluctant farm animal over a small bridge with them. I used to text them and ask if they wanted help planning things for their dad or text them to ask them how their day went or text them when I saw something they might like. Mostly, I get crickets in response. I can't take it too personally, because their dad gets crickets in response, too, but man, it's hard to feel anything other than indifferent about them most of the time. All that said, I get along with them fine and when they're with us, they ask me questions or ask me for help when they need things, so I'm not terrible to them and have been helpful, but I've never been in a more thankless role.

4) My MIL is a bit of a meddler. DH's father died when he was in his early 20s. As the oldest son, he felt it was his responsibility to go home and take care of his mother. I think he resents his siblings sometimes because he feels as if they don't put "family first", but also resents his mother for expecting him to do things for her. DH married BM, in part, because his mother told him at the time (shortly after his father died) that he was at the age where he should be married. After DH got divorced, he could not afford a place large enough to stay with his children, so MIL let them stay with her when it was his visitation weekend. During that time, she took on the "mother" role for the kids while they were there and DH kind of took advantage of her. MIL also talks a lot to BM and has tried to tell DH what he should do around his conflicts with BM. For example, MIL tells him he should help her more with the kids (even though she knows DH has asked for more parenting time and BM has angrily refused) or that he should send her a mother's day present. She then wonders why DH tells her that she's always taking BM's side. MIL likes to "hint" at things we should do with the children or tell them what we should do with them (like take them on fancy trips, send them away to expensive camps, buy a boat because wouldn't it be fun for them to go out on a boat). DH has created this monster (and I've told him that) because (like all of his siblings) he takes advantage of MIL's help when he needs it, but then resents her meddling when he doesn't need help. I've told him that if you take advantage of her when it suits you, you have to put up with her feeling entitled to butt in when you don't need her. I felt like MIL was judging me a bit from the start, but still had a cordial relationship with her. However, she pushed me over the edge when she did two things: 1) tell DH, in front of me, that he should make his brother-in-law the executor of his will to make sure "your children get what's rightfully theirs"; 2) tell DH that she talked to BM and and BM convinced her that I was a big part of the problem between DH and BM. I know a lot of people have meddling MILs, but because my SSs are not my kids, I can't tell her to back off or I look like I'm just trying to exclude my SSs or prevent them from getting what should be theirs (and yes, I've been accused of both, before). DH's way to set boundaries with his mother is to either cut her off entirley or get in an angry fight with her like he's a teenager again. Then MIL complains that I never call her, so yeah, this feels like a no-win situation for me.

5) DH's family has been unwelcoming. I've only seen DH's brother and sister-in-law a handful of times, even though they live an hour away and come up to see other family and friends near us, all the time. I've talked to SIL once, where she seemed friendly enough, but then she made a comment about DH's divorce and about how DH doesn't call his sister (he does, his sister never answers). That was the first time she's talked to me and since she's primarily ignored me. She skipped all events related to our wedding, always with some excuse as to why she can't make it at the last minute (e.g. traffic was bad, her 5 year old was too tired, etc). She came to our wedding, but I don't think she said a word to me. She missed two birthday celebrations for me (that I didn't want, but which my MIL insisted upon), even one that was scheduled closer to her to make it easier for her family to attend. There have been family events which I really did not want to attend, but I made myself go, because I do not want to be like SIL. Their children did not come to our wedding and don't know who I am, even though I've been around for three years. For Christmas, we usually drive SSs down to see their cousins, but are always treated as if we're a burden because SIL hosts her family on Christmas, so she doesn't really want us around. I've asked DH if SIL was great friends with BM and he's said no. DH asked his brother if he had done something to offend SIL and his brother said no and gave him some lame story about how she was annoyed by something that didn't even make sense, but she was fine now. After that, SIL has been a little nicer, but she's still the ice queen. DH's sister is an "artist" who is currently getting another advanced degree in some esoteric subject. She's nearing 40, but MIL pays for *everything* for her. When she was home over Christmas, MIL was mad at DH because we did not take his sister with us when we went on a date to see the Nutcracker. We had bought four tickets for DH and I to take SSs to see the latest Star Wars movie on Christmas Day, but then MIL and his sister complained so much about "why didn't we get her a ticket", so I ended up taking SSs and DH's sister, while DH stayed home. I get along fine with his sister and have tried to reach out and build a relationship with her, but she's a flake and acts like a teenager when she's home, so that can be difficult to deal with. She's definitely MIL's favorite, so we all have to be very impressed by her...or at least, pretend we are. As if all of this would be bad enough, but it's made even worse by the fact that my family is across the country, so I rarely get to see them. My support network here consists of DH...him alone. Sometimes he's up for the challenge, sometimes he's not. Also, it drives me nuts that I have to manage another family's drama. My approach to drama is typically to walk away, but I can't totally shun DH's family.

6) Last, but certainly not least - BM is crazy...like really crazy. She engaged in so much terrible, anti-social, criminal, emotionally abusive behavior when she was with DH that, that should be enough, but she saved some of her craziest behavior for me. When I first met her, I hopped out of the car with a smile on my face. She offered her hand as if she was the queen and introduced me to her "husband" (they are not legally married even though they tell everyone they are and had a ceremony). She then went on to reprimand DH about something. I could see DH cower in a way when he was around her (I've since found out that she was verbally and physically abusive to him). Later that evening, I asked him "why does BM hate you so much?" because her disdain for him was palpable. Shortly thereafter, she sent me a friend request on FB. No friendly note, just a request from someone who goes by a different last name on FB and whose profile picture did not include her face. I ignored it because I don't know her and I wasn't ready to invite her into my life. DH and I were not engaged at the time and she had barely acknowledged me during my one meeting with her. Little did I know that this would become a "thing". She kept asking DH, sometimes in tears, why I didn't accept her friend request (which she retracted about a week after she sent it because I did not accept it). Meanwhile, she continued to treat DH like dirt, send him texts about how he was a deadbeat dad, a loser, stupid, etc. She continued to call him daily to talk about her life. She continued to demand he take the kids at the last minute, to call him a deadbeat dad if he had plans and couldn't drop everything to accommodate her, to threaten to report him to child support enforcement if he didn't give her whatever extra money she wanted. Long story short, she did not encourage me that she was someone I should be inviting into my life. She then started coming after me. After DH and I got engaged, she sent an email to her family and DH's family saying that I wanted to take the children away from her on the holidays and that I wanted DH to move next door to her, so he could stop paying child support. She told DH that even though she could admit that her children enjoyed spending time with me "that doesn't mean she won't abuse children." Then, about six months after she sent me the FB friend request which I ignored, her sister had a heart attack. DH took her phone call (by that time, they had added a clause to their parenting plan that they only speak on the phone in emergencies), because he viewed this as an emergency. He asked her if her sister was ok, but instead of talking about her sister, she tearfully asked him *again* why I didn't accept her FB friend request. I told DH that her behavior was true insanity and why would she ever think that acting that needy and crazy would inspire me to be her friend. She then later sent DH an email about something else where she spent nearly the whole email talking about me and how when he met me she was happy because she figured she and I could be friends and I could manage communication for them because they don't communicate well and how she and I could volunteer together at SSs school. She was so upset that, that didn't happen. She called me aggressive, even though I was avoiding her. She only made me feel more confident that I had made the right decision. I've now totally frozen her out and have a very limited tolerance for her BS. Hearing her voice or seeing her face causes a visceral reaction in me.

I realize this is long and these things are - for the most part - outside of my control. I'm not necessarily looking for solutions, because I can't make these problems go away. I just think that one of the most challenging things as a SM has been making sure that I have appropriate expectations, that I'm setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries, and that I'm learning to accept things rather than let them drive me crazy. My first step in doing all these is naming all of those things that seem unfair, that have the potential to drive me crazy, and that legitimately make this whole SM thing very difficult. Naming them seems like the first step in accepting them and ultimately letting them go.