Thanksgiving is almost upon us and lucky me, this year we get to spend the holiday with SSs and DH's family.

One of the many wonderful things about being a SM is the skepticism and hostility we often receive from DH's family for no reason at all!

In my case, I have the following:

MIL who is nice enough to my face and who in her mind, thinks she's also nice to me in general, but who still talks to BM on a regular basis and who has a tendency to talk to BM about me. Shortly after DH and I were married, MIL said to DH, "I had a long talk with BM and she and I decided that StrugglingSM is part of the problem between you and her. Maybe you should all sit down and have a chat." This was about six months after I froze BM out due to her crazy behavior (including accusing me of trying to take her children away, saying that I "might be a child abuser", and crying to DH multiple times about why I didn't accept her friend request). MIL also creates drama for DH by arranging to do things with the children and then expecting DH to manage the logistics or communicate with BM about whatever it is that she wants to do. This inevitably leads to drama from BM who tells DH he's a terrible father for not knowing where his children are because she (BM) cannot get in touch with MIL while she has the kids. Finally, MIL repeatedly tells DH how sorry he should feel for BM and how he should thank her profusely for being the mother of his children (MIL knows that BM treats DH like crap and continues to try to abuse him by calling him a deadbeat dad, stupid, a loser, etc). MIL also periodically accuses me of trying to "exclude the children" from our life whenever DH and I have the nerve to go away together without SSs (not during visitation time, I might add) or when we ask her to watch SSs when we have some boring adult task to do (like sign papers for our house). Not relating to SSs, MIL is one of the most judgmental people I've ever met. She always has a comment about people's appearances or an opinion on what someone should be doing. I think she thinks that if she says these things nicely, it's ok. DH leans towards this behavior sometimes and I tell him "you sounds like your mother!", which at least gets him to stop and think about what he's saying.

BIL who is ok, but is sort of smarmy and always seems like he's making fun of people. When DH and I were dating, he told me that his brother was a man-whore when he was in high school and college and that his brother's personality was sort of like that of a used car salesman. DH has also told me stories of when they were growing up and in high school and BIL sounds like he was a bit of a bully, especially to DH (he's a year younger than DH, but he was always the one who was picking on DH). DH didn't tell me any of these things to be mean, because he thinks his brother is awesome, but I filed them away in my brain and have since decided that his characterization of his brother was spot on. BIL lives about an hour away, but we never see him. I think DH used to see him more, but I can count on two hands the number of times we've seen BIL in the time since I've known DH (and that includes our wedding and rehearsal dinner and all holidays). I also get a weird vibe from BIL about his feelings toward DH that I can't quite put my finger on what it is. I think he's always trying to trick DH into doing things for him, but when DH mentions any of these things in front of me, all of a sudden BIL will change his story. I'm not sure if this is because DH is super trusting and BIL is used to taking advantage of him, but has figured out that I'm more of a skeptic. All fits into DH's characterization that BIL is like a used car salesman, always trying to pull a fast one on everyone. He gave a speech at our wedding. He rambled on (it was clear he had not prepared) and as one of my close friends said "he made DH sound like a creep", which he isn't.

SIL (BIL's wife) is so cold, I swear the ground freezes underneath her when she walks. Other than a few awkward hellos, SIL have spoken to one another a total of ONE time in the three years that I've been seriously dating, engaged, or married to DH. This is despite the fact that she talks animatedly to other members of DH's family. That one time she spoke with me was because we were both at a funeral with our respective SOs (I was not married to DH at the time) and she knew no one else there. She proceeded - during our conversation - to make a comment about DH's divorce and accuse DH of not talking to his sister. She didn't even say one word to me at our wedding. I think she was annoyed that she had to go and had to travel to get there. I would have been fine if she skipped it. She skipped both wedding showers that were thrown for me and she skipped all birthday dinners that MIL has planned for me. I've been assured by DH that SIL was not best friends with BM. He tells me that SIL is just being "protective of his children", but I get along fine with his children. DH has told me that maybe SIL is weird because her parents almost got divorced when she was a kid, so his divorce makes her uncomfortable, but really, she's an adult and it's not her place to worry about someone else's divorce. SIL is also cold to DH. Not sure if she was always like that and DH just didn't notice or if her behavior toward him has changed, but a few months ago, DH asked BIL if he had done anything to offend SIL. BIL replied with some BS illogical excuse that SIL was a little mad about something, but she got over it (no matter that the something she was supposedly mad about was something BIL did that he blamed on DH and no matter that SIL's cold behavior predated the incident BIL mentioned). SIL is always annoyed when we have some family event that she is expected to attend. DH insisted upon throwing a big surprise party for MIL's 70th. He asked BIL if SIL (who cooks a lot) would bring some vegetarian entrees, since she is vegetarian. Come party day, SIL brings two small store bought salads for her contribution. This same women is always going out of her way to prepare some elaborate dish for other events. SIL seems like the type who is always mad on behalf of other people or who gets mad, but likes to pretend she isn't. At one gathering BIL proclaimed, "SIL is really good about pretending she really likes something, even if she doesn't." I wanted to say to him, "no she isn't!" I always dread seeing her, because I feel like I have to pretend to be nice, so I won't be acting just like her.

BIL and SIL have two kids. I've met them a few times, but they have no clue who I am. They have never formally been introduced to me. At MIL's 70th, their 8 year old son came up to me laughing and said, "I don't even know who you are!" I wanted to say to him, "I don't even know who you are, either, kid!", but I didn't want to be mean. He's skittish and socially awkward. Their 6 year old daughter is friendly enough, but still has no idea who I am.

DH also has a sister who won't be joining us for Thanksgiving. She is nearly 40, but is a perpetual student (studying something esoteric about the history of movement). MIL pays for everything for her. She is nice enough, but she has a tendency of acting like a teenager when she is around DH's family. Last year at Christmas time, DH and I went on a date to see the Nutcracker. MIL complained that we didn't take Sister with us because she used to dance in the Nutcracker as a child. I had gotten tickets for me, DH, and SSs to see the latest Star Wars movie on Christmas Day, in the evening. When Sister heard this she said, "where's my ticket?!" MIL then gave DH a hard time about not taking Sister with us. The movie was sold out by that time, so we couldn't get her a ticket. On the day of, DH came up with some excuse about how he wasn't feeling well and told me I should take Sister and the SSs to the movie. After the movie he told me he actually felt fine, but couldn't deal with the drama from MIL if Sister was unable to see the movie.

DH also has a few cousins, one of whom has a wife who is nearly as cold as SIL, but will speak sort of in my direction when she wants to proclaim something about how her child is too smart for her elementary school or about how her child is excelling on her competitive soccer team. She and DH's cousin did not RSVP for our wedding and she RSVP'd that they would attend MIL's 70th birthday and then just never showed up.

There are two people in the family who are genuinely friendly to me - DH's uncle and DH's cousin-in-law.

In other words, DH's family is a great big pile of dysfunction, that is unfortunately not dysfunctional enough for them to realize their dysfunction. They all think they are normal. Maybe I'm the weird one because I find their passive aggression to be off-putting. I'm also a bit of an outsider, so can carefully observe their messed up family dynamics.

I feel like with DH's family, I've entered one of those holiday movies where everyone dreads the holidays and tries to avoid them!