Biofree but thinking of having baby, SD8 self-centered brat rant

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So my SD is 8. I say "my" and it sounds like I claim her. This is a new marriage, old love. I jumped into the relationship after years apart because (and I know this to be true) I am and always have been meant to be with my wife. She is a stubborn hot mess who loves to make mistakes on her own path than just listen to advice.... Thus the SD and her bioD. Now I have this SD who can be so good at times, and is honestly isn't as bad as she was, but I feel we plateaued and this is as good as it will get with her behavior.
I'm ranting this morning because of something so simple and silly some of you will think "that's nothing!". It can be a ton worse, but for some reason this set me off. SD asked me to hold her book as it was open to a particular page, I did. She didn't come back, I laid it down, open, to the same page. She comes back and yells, " (my name) you lost my page!"... "No I didn't"... " yes you did!"... "NO.. I didn't.".... Ect ect ... " You did! You did! It was on page 19, now its 21!!!" ... "I am 34. I know how to keep a page, stop arguing!". As I throw the just-dont-talk hand up in her direction and walk away.
She stomps off, throws her book in her room muddling " stupid book".... Her mom
.. Pulls me aside and says, "can't we just get along? This is the only day I see her for a week." (We have her school days, weekends are with her father and for some reason everytime school is out for anything he talks his way into getting her too)
So I'm dealing with the product of two Disney parents. Yes, I know I shouldn't argue with an 8 year old, but being the only disaplinarian gets old sometimes. I feel like there is no use when I'm just going to be told to back off anyways. Which leads SD to see me as weak. I know it.

So also in the mix we have my one on one time with my spouse and lost love... We are wonderful together, love and support each other... Moment SD comes around, I'm back seated.. But not in the healthy "this is a child" way.... No, in the "keep her happy so she loves me, what was your name again" way.
So when we are alone we plan our lives out and do things couples do. Talk about career moves, talk about having a baby.... But I'm not so sure of any of it.
My wife asks, "why do you not believe me when I say I will make sure you get what you want in life?" And I can't bring myself to say, "because when SD is around you don't even care what I want to eat for dinner." (SD loves Italian. I hate it. SD hates Mexican, I love it. Ect ect) there is never any compromise. Furthermore, when I was a kid, I ate what was served... Which sometimes meant Italian, just saying.

I'm ranting I know. I just get irritated and honestly sometimes resentful. SD doesn't seem to see or care what I do for her. I just want to step back and watch them sink sometimes, but what kind of person would that make me?

"i find it odd that the mom

"i find it odd that the mom never has any "off" days with her child" - yes, it's bizarre, isn't it??

This is the situation for me, but opposite - my DH has SS every weekend, and always takes extra time on long weekends/holidays. BM never asks for weekend time, save for maybe one or two times a year (MAYBE) and that's usually her mother asking for it for a specific event. It boggles my mind. Whenever I mention it to DH he says "I'm not complaining." Yes, dear, I get that - but that's not the point.

Yes it is odd... The biodad

Yes it is odd... The biodad is a narcissist and she has learned to just do what he wants to avoid conflict, so biodad says "I'm getting her on her vacation" and she says, "OK" then hates that SD is gone for all her days off. Stupid, I know. I try to say something and I'm just "wanting to make her feel bad".

I agree. All weekends(and

I agree. All weekends(and all summer) with one parent is just awful. It creates the mindset that one parent is responsible for the important stuff(school,homework, projects,set bedtimes....)while the other parent is the fun parent.

The all summer schedules make it darn near impossible for parents who can't take time off during holidays, to go on vacations with their kids.

Agreed. Did I mention my wife

Agreed. Did I mention my wife is a RN... She has no holidays off, which is why she says she is OK with this whole "he gets SD every holiday" crap.
I add to the mix: if I'm supposed to bond with SD and see her as part of my household family... How can I if she isn't ever around for anything but homework and bed?

As much as I dislike those

As much as I dislike those types of schedules, I have to say, it's that your wife allows dad to have the extra time with the kid. Many BMs out there would not even give dad the chance to say no.

She claims her long term plan

She claims her long term plan with this is that the SD will see bioD for what he is... An aggressive, verbally and physically abusive, narcissist with no ambition except to level up on the latest video game.
She thinks it it just a matter of time before SD asks to live with us full time.

I'm not convinced.

Agreed. Did I mention my wife

Sounds like you "get" it

Sounds like you "get" it completely. She is a different person with SD around... Totally out of character with the biodad too... Her and I alone: like time stood still.

This is my fear. When SD is

This is my fear. When SD is 18, I'd want her to move on. My wife knows this, I know, because she says things like... "Once she graduates it will be different, we can do what we want."
Personally, I think we could benefit from some family therapy. Or at least couples therapy.

I refuse to plan a wedding

I refuse to plan a wedding with my SO until his kids launch, I will not tolerate skids talking down to me, destroying my home, etc. and I refuse to lock myself in to a situation that if crazy behavior starts happening that I can't get out of easily. Luckily I learned (thank you all step talkers) about disengagement early on and things have been on track ever since.

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Biofree but thinking of having baby, SD8 self-centered brat rant