Hi, I've just found this forum, it is such a relief to know that I am not alone! I'm hoping for a response from you guys to help put my craziness into perspective.

I have 2 skids, ss10, sd8. Neither of them speaks English and although I am learning their language it is a very slow process. Due to the nature of what myself and my bf do workwise, we both work overseas most of the year the skids sadly don't get to see their dad as much as they should. When we do have the skids though, it's for 2 weeks at a time, as they don't have friends here and they are here so little every waking moment is taken up entertaining them. The past few times they have been with us have been absolutely fine and we muddle through with the communication and I've loved making cakes, taking them climbing, making crafts etc. I don't know what is different this time. Its maybe that I've been working solidly for 6months and ts is the first time in 6months I've been home and I'm knackered. The skids are driving me nuts! Especially SS, I can't fully understand what he is saying but he just turns his nose up and whines all the time to BF that he wants us to play with him and he doesn't like the food I cook, last time I cooked the same and he loved it.
I feel like such a bitch! Having read some of your stories, I should feel blessed that they are not total monsters and they don't live with us. I don't know what is going on with me, they're kids, it's totally not their fault they're in this situ.
I want to support my BF as I know he finds it really hard with their constant demands for attention, which is completely understandable as they don't get to see him each day or each weekend. I think I just had a slight mental glitch and just told my BF that I don't feel responsible enough and am too selfish right now to be a stepmum and I should leave, wtf!?! Why did I say this??? I've so upset him. Do any of you guys get irrational thoughts about your skids? I'm so frustrated I can't communicate, maybe it'd make it easier, I guess I feel like an outsider in my own home. I have been a teacher and worked in childcare in the past and am very used to being around kids. I know when I work with other kids its a job, I know what my role is and I know what is expected of me, here, in my own home I can be the object of their frustration and be completely ignored by SS and although when I'm working with other kids I wouldn't tolerate any disrespect I'm lost here. I'm not their bio parent, I don't have their unconditional love to fall back on.
It feels so good to get this frustration out on paper. Apologies for the rant, I'm just so confused with my emotions, why can't I just love these kids?