Help me Cope
:jawdrop:
My situation is so weird. i've never been with any other man, not even intimately. just the one I'm with now. He is a wonderful man, I wouldn't change him for anything in the world. Except he has 4 children. 2 don't live in the states and fend for themselves. The other 2 however are over our house every single day. Initially it was supposed to be every other weekend, but that's not the case. Every time I hear the doorbell ring I roll my eyes. I have no personal time with my fiance. I never thought it would be like this. I thought I'd be okay, I thought I'd be able to share. I cry all the time because I've never loved someone so much. And yet I can't imagine bein a stepmother. i've never wanted children of my own, and now I have to take care of two others? They can't do anything for themselves. I feed them, they eat all my food while their BM gets food stamps and can't even feed them. I wash their clothes because they're always dirty. I'm so frustrated by the situation. I don't want to run, I wouldn't even know how to end the relationship without being devastated by it. Please help me cope.
Thank you. I will definitely
Thank you. I will definitely try to let up and not do much if at all for them. I know that I'm just making it easier for BM not to take care of them. But Fiance will probably not do it. He doesn't cook much or clean the house or wash the clothes. So involuntarily I do it for them when I'm cooking or cleaning. Of course I don't cook with them in mind, but when we sit down to a meal they sit down as well and eat or they just scrounge around in the kitchen. :O
Are you 27? You are
Are you 27? You are definitely young enough to get out of this. It may be painful. It won't be fun. Mainly because you have never GONE through a breakup.
But the misery you are in now will never end. If you leave, the misery will amp up quite a bit for a week or two. But once you are out of the situation and let some time go by, you will thank your lucky stars that you got out when you did.
Stick around and read some posts, if you don't believe me.
How'd you know? I'm 26. I
How'd you know? I'm 26. I know I'm young enough. And it may be a bit too painful for me. That's not what I want. It's not my desire to run. My desire is to make it work, to make it easier for me. That's why i'm here. To find ways to cope. I love him too much to go. I know that sounds too fairytale like, but I believe in that kind of love, that overcomes all boundaries no matter what. I might be happier in the long run without the children, but I can't handle him being gone as well.
You will find someone else to
You will find someone else to love who doesn't have all those issues that cause you pain. Many SMs find out years too late that the man they poured their heart, soul, sweat and tears into a relationship for, were just wanting a woman to fill the void that the BM left - no matter who left whom.
They want the live-in maid, babysitter, chauffeur, etc. As well as someone to help foot the bills and keep their bed warm. Sounds like you fit all of these.
Step-life....even at its best...is NO fairy tale.
I was 29, when I fell deeply
I was 29, when I fell deeply in love with my partner who is 10 years older. I never considered that his skids would impact on my life at all, I was so naive and now regret I took the relationship further. Would I be extremely happy with my man without this baggage-absolutely but unfortunately that is not the life I have lived, to be honest I'm worn out emotionally for playing second fiddle to him and the skids. Your man probably tells you that you are the #1 priority in his life- sugar coated words. You will continue to live your life through a man and his kids, your life will not be what you want. Your life will be centered around holidays for the skids or you will make road trips to go visit. Any money for the betterment of your future won't be there because you are forever making up the shortfall if DH pays CS.
You are a young woman who will one day might become a mum, you say you dont want any but this may change. You will then need to address jealousy issues and resentment issues directed at your beautiful baby, this does happen. this is not fair on your future children
You really need to look at this not emotionally but sensibly for your future, having said all this, hindsight is a wonderful thing but I no if I made some really hard decisions back then I wouldn't be here on this forum as my life would have been different.
I am now 45 and bitter and resentful for the life my DH has given me, it is never you and your partner as a loving couple,
It is DH, skid1, skid2, skid3 and skid 4 and you will always be the bottom of the pecking order!!! Hard truths!!!
Thank you for posting
Thank you for posting this.
I'm 25, and I've been having reservations for the last few years. We've been together for 5. I noticed that I'm told I'm number one, but I seem to be below everyone else on the pecking order. I've already given up a lot to make sure everyone else is taken care of. Maybe it's time to reconsider everything.
If you have decided to stay
If you have decided to stay then you have to start changing things in your home to make it more like how you want your home to be like. So for instance, you mentioned that you cook without them in mind so to speak but they just sit down and eat or go to the fridge (while you're eating with your hubby?) and help themselves? So what I'd do is make this your first disengaging project, getting them to stop mooching your food. So when you cook, make only 2 portions of food literally two chicken breasts, two baked potatoes and 2 bowls of salad all dished up (in other words let the family style eating go on hold for awhile!), sit down and enjoy your meal. Buy enough food (literally empty your fridge and pantry of EVERYTHING) for that day only. Go shopping daily for just that days food, ie buy a can of soup and crackers and that is all that is in your pantry for soup for supper.
Then your next project is DON"T DO LAUNDRY. Don't even offer your machine. If they help themselves hide the laundry soap in your bedroom! Trust me, I have dealt with moochers! I know how to live day to day! No, you can wait a couple of years to be a "prepper"!!!!
Husbands/boyfriends come and
Husbands/boyfriends come and go, but children are forever. You're in a package deal. Figure out how to cope and how to open yourself to them or run like hell. If you really want to make this work let go of the idea/image of being childless, you now have skids. How old are these kids? Are they mooching or is there a real need?
Food stamps often do not include laundry products and often the allotment doesn't cover needs of 2 growing children. Quit bitching about food and soap unless they're wasting them. Teach them how to do laundry.
You're real issue is having alone time with DF. Sit DF down, both pick days of the week to be kid free. Don't answer the door on those days. It will take a bit of time to get the point across. And there will be times that no matter how much planning and rules have been put down, the skids will have to be attended to. Accidents only happen when you are about to leave for vacation.
Figure out why they are coming over. Was this happening before you came into the picture? Is BM sending them over to cock block? Or is there too much chaos at BM's and they need a safer/saner place to be? Be aware, they may move in. If they are minors, you can't stop them. It's different when they are adults. Think of Nancy Reagan and just say 'NO!'
I walked into 3 teen skids, 12, 15, & 17, full custody, BM dead, when I married DH at 26. Two of them, we have fairly good relationships, the third we haven't spoken in almost 3 years. That's very ok and I'm not ashamed to admit, I like the grandkids better than the skids.