Why are the smallest things the biggest irritants?
So SD25 sent my DH a msg earlier today asking "what street do you live on? Is it ____?" He gives her the correct addy then she responds "ok, thanks daddy! love you!"
Although it is a short exchange, I am completely irritated! Why? Well because this is just another confirmation of SD25's intent to move back in w/us... Her and her naughty, undisciplined 2.5 year old. I dread the fact that its already almost the middle of Sept and that SD & her kid will be here around the 3rd week of Oct (next month). Seriously, the thought of it all HAUNTS me day and night!
And then back to that simple message with much deeper meaning...It reminds me that she'll be trying to suck up to DH, trying to throw herself a pity party so that we can take care of and provide for her & her kid. I can already hear her requests/demands ringing in my ear. If that wasn't enough, knowing that she expects me & DH to spoil her kid...??? Aaaahhhh!
One habit of hers that I absolutely hate is when we do end up seeing her (we live in diff. states) and I make a trip to the store. She is so inclined to dump a lot of things in my cart because her daughter needs it/doesn't have any/wants it or she (SD) wants/needs as well. And when she does this, she does it excessively...like instead of just grabbing a pair of pants or two and maybe a top, she pretty much chooses a whole wardrobe Plus accessories Plus toys. WTF? Do I look like a bank or that I have dollar bills growing out of my a$$?!?!? And then her good ole daddy (my DH) expects me to just go ahead and pay for it. Now I've had to bite my tongue and I usually eat it because we see them 2-3x a year... But if she is going to live with us & still expect it, she's in for a rude awakening!
Even my DD(13) is not looking forward to SD & her kid moving in with us. And you know what? I don't blame her one bit because I don't like the whole thing either. I've got an infant of my own to take care of, I don't have time, energy or the $ to put up with SD. I feel so incredibly angry right now thinking about it!
And to think: all these feelings of anger, bitterness, being irritated, etc were all evoked from a very short text message!!! :jawdrop:
Ohhhh.. you forgot. As a SM
Ohhhh.. you forgot. As a SM you're not much more than an extension of their Dad's wallet, maid or free babysitter
I firmly believe that when we adjust our expectations of people they stop hurting/disappointing us.
I expect the absolute worst of my SS's now. They never disappoint me and sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised.
Yup, you are right on SM's
Yup, you are right on SM's being an extension of (wallet, maid, babysitting)...
When the whole "moving" came up, DH mentioned that she would be getting a job here. I then asked him who was going to watch SD's kid. He was quiet and didn't respond (implying that he & SD just assumed that I'd do it.) That really ticked me off! I made it very clear that I WAS NOT going to be watching the little monster! It's already bad enough they'll be living with us... And I know that if I even did (babysit), that the saying would ring true: "you give an inch, they take a mile"!
And DH expects me to feel better because he's discussed it w/her and she's supposed to be looking for childcare. Would be interesting if SD is gonna pay for it herself or is gonna pull the "Dadddyyyy, I need help with daycare tuition..."
Lol, it wouldn't be hard to
Lol, it wouldn't be hard to expect the absolute worst since I've just about seen it all from SD. The only thing that she HAS NOT done that I have seen/ am aware of is stealing...
Oh no. This is not a good
Oh no. This is not a good scenario for you. is it for ages or for a defined period of time?
DH says its "until she can
DH says its "until she can stand on her own two feet". I KNOW it will not happen anytime soon since SD is comfortable living w/ and mooching off of people... And we are moving to a diff state next year which means SD will move with us too. (We don't have family in the state we're currently in.) So, I can easily see her living with us for 2-3+ years at least... Could even be indefinitely. Ggggrrrrr.
You both are right, I have
You both are right, I have allowed myself to be taken advantage. The thing about SD is that when she wasn't working, she'd share her sob stories about her baby daddy not giving her money, etc and would go on about what she or her daughter lack. So of course, DH wants to step in and be her hero and usually suggests that we help out it is. And I don't mind if it IS NEEDED. But she does know how to milk it for what it's worth. And most of the times, I'm at the register checking out and she ends up dumping her stuff as I'm loading bags into the cart (prior to making payment). Lesson to be learned: NEVER bring her to the store with me.
I do have to say though that if its something she says they need: ie, diapers, milk, etc, I'd rather buy it myself than give her the cash for it, cause lord knows, she'd probably squander the money away on cigarettes and other stuff.
I've been choosing my battles because I don't want to be fighting over every single thing. If DH had his way, we'd be making her car & insurance payments. Especially being that she is now working, I told him it ain't happening. Her car, her payment.
As far as moving in with us- that's a real tough one to say No to. Reason being that we've helped out my niece (and one brother) out when they needed a place to stay. (We had timeframes set up though.) If I say no to SD, my DH will use that against me and call me a hypocrite, say how it's unfair that we've allowed my fam. members to stay with us, etc... I'm just really tired of having the same argument over & over again.
You are running out of time
You are running out of time to get your boundaries and rules drawn up. SD will be thinking. Fantastic, I'm moving in indefinitely, free stuff, free baby sitting, daddy worship. Yippee.
DH is not thinking other than some sort of fuzzy male brain logic. Oh goody two women that worship me in one home. My castle. I am king of my castle and everybody loves me.
Set down the rules now. Stays for x period of time. Contributes y in rent. Please make sure that you get this battle out of the way early. Its a big one.
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the advice! I especially like the one about charging her X amount of rent & quietly saving it, that way, when its time for her to move out, there's money already saved and I won't have to hear the excuse of her not having any...
Question though, when do you think is the best time to discuss boundaries & expectations with her? I was thinking either the first day of her arriving or at least within the first couple days.
(She won't be here till next month...My DH is flying out to where she currently lives, which is 1500 miles away. He will be helping her pack up and then will rent a uhaul & drive her/her stuff. And the move is pretty much set in stone, DH has already purchased his ticket.)
Or do I have the talk when DH is in her state, but before the drive over?
I personally would like to do it in person, that way she can see the seriousness in my face...but if I wait till then, she will already be in my home....
Any insight/suggestions???
Talk to your DH before he
Talk to your DH before he goes, both of you together work on the rules, boundaries and expectations. Be really clear and precise for eg yoy will babysit for her one night a week, she will be expected to babysit for you and OH one night a week.
She will pay for her and childs food, or contribute x amt towards family expenses,
She is to keep hef own room clean, do their washing, cook x meals a week for the fam. Clean xyz communal areas x often.
Time limits and savings etc are vital.
Do not allow OH to set these to her on his own, wait til they get back and you sit her down, both of you united.
Good luck, stand your ground.