Is the extra money he is sending to his daughter coming out of your household? If it is, you better believe you have EVERY right to say something about it. Who cares if the BM shits a brick ... If he's so worried about how SHE feels at your expense,then its time he moves his stuff over there.

If your DH has that much extra $$...I would make darn sure that I was out shopping...shopping on line...going to get my hair done & manny & peddy...plus any other extravagance I could come up with. I can tell you that if that stuff was going on here...I would be filing for divorce!

Wow, there are so many of us still supporting adult kids and I just don't get it. I would have NEVER asked my parents for support. They gave me luggage for my high school graduation with an "I love you." And they did!

This is THE source of tension between DH and me. Finally we developed a household budget, and agreed that whatever DH has left he can spend on his irresponsible and immature son. Whatever amount that is, for sure it's never enough. And SS's lack of money is never his fault. The boy is a total mess, DH knows it, but he's still Guilt Dad.

Anyway, all you can do is take care of yourself. Make sure there's enough so you and DH can live comfortably and meet your own obligations. If DH has cash after that, then there's probably not much you can do without being seen as the villian.

I say that like I've solved the problem in my household, but that's not true. I ended up paying for all the Christmas gifts too. It's very, very hard and you are not alone!

My heart goes out to you. I have 6 grown stepchildren and only wish I had 3 or less to deal with that hurt financially. In my case DH will do for the children and cheat me out of bill money. He knows I won't go without paying the bills so we have electric, etc. but it causes way too many arguments. He has a 22 year old daughter who thinks it is Christmas year round. I am happiest when he goes to visit his children and they don't come here. I don't feel I am appreciated or respected and they could care less about getting to know me as a person. They just want what my wallet can help their daddy spend on them. Before me he had NOTHING and they assume I'm Santa Claus. I'm in therapy to get past a lot of bitterness and resentment, to keep working on boundaries and the like. The only thing that has truly worked for me is blocking calls where they can't call me on my cell (don't answer my home phone) and their dad and I have to be in complete agreement when they can come over for an evening to visit. YSD thinks I'm a laundromat because she can't afford to wash her clothes at one. All her DH has to do is quit smoking a couple pack of cigarettes a week and there's her roll of quarters.

I will be so glad when Christmas Eve is OVER. Then I don't have to deal with the stepchildren again til January and it's my call when I want to see them next. DH has two options..see them without me where they live or I will leave the house when they come over if I don't want to deal with them. To keep the peace, he realizes they get a visit a month or every couple months or all hell breaks loose. Read all my posts and you'll see how much I've had to put up with. We have one SS wanting us to pay for his college starting in January and we don't have that kind of money. Hubby knows he i free to give his extra to his son after bills or have another rift in our marriage if he doesn't pay his fair share on our household bills. Hang in there.

***** Follow me on my blog! Me (41). DH (54). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.

Oh, you struck a chord with me! Last year I had to seperate all our finances just to save myself and BD13 from DH and his guilty-daddy payouts to his 5 lowlife adult kids. DH actually wanted us to declare bankruptcy after he paid for SD's wedding! That was the end of "our" money.

While I have worked hard to begin to pay off "my" debt (the debt was mine, while the money was "ours"), DH has learned that he doesn't have any extra money to spend on his adult kiddie-poos anymore. So I am the bitch now. I wasn't a bitch when I paid for everything and his salary went to his kids. He could be the hero-with-a-wallet.

I suppose my story should be a warning to anyone with adult skids. I almost ruined the future for myself and BD by being too generous with DH and his brats for too many years. I did it because I really believed we could be a blended family and that they would grow up and be on their own some day. Instead, I was hated on and they were spoiled into becoming dependent on DH and on welfare. Now we all pay for them!

If I am angry at anyone, it is myself. I put everyone else first, including DH and his kids. I thought I was doing the right thing and that DH had my back. But no. He will always put his adult kids and their "wants" before my welfare and our marriage.

I was reminded of this reality just recently. DH was one of the lucky ones who received a holiday bonus from work. All he could talk about was the money he would be giving to his adult kids AND their boyfriends, babydaddies, girlfriends and husbands for Christmas. No mention of paying down his debt, fixing the roof, or doing anything special for me or BD.

I was not surprised. Angry--yes. Sad--yes. Frustrated--definitely yes. But not surprised. .

Oh God.......I have SO much in common with many of you. My DH and I do not have any joint accounts together thank God! We almost divorced three years ago at a point when he was gambling thousands of dollars away while I paid ALL the bills. He had no money to contribute to anything, as he had piles of debt when we got married 5-1/2 yrs ago. When we decided to give our marriage another chance, he told me that he would let me handle his finances to see that his bills were getting paid, in essence, he gave me the passwords to his online banking accounts and let me set up his monthly payments. He PROMISED to "be good", and I believed him even going as far as co-signing a loan for a new truck, as he could not get the loan on his own due to his debts. I also agreed to take out a home equity loan to build a new garage that he insisted we needed. He is making the payments on the truck and the H.E. loan which total $1,350. per month. He also is paying on two other loans, his Harley and a personal loan which total $650 per month. Our home and the home loan are in MY name only, as his credit was (and still is) poor. I put almost $150k down on our home. I also pay all of the utilities and property taxes. For the H.E. loan, I borrowed $30k for "his" garage and another $15k to pay off HIS credit card debt which was mostly cash advances that he gambled away. Then to top it off, a few months later, he withdrew money from his 401k to pay off his car loan and help out his darling daughters who are ALWAYS crying for money!!! He agreed to see a counselor and attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings, which he said were a total waste, and he could stop gambling without THEIR help. Yeah, RIGHT !!! In the last three years, he has slipped up and gambled a few thousand here and there, and we have fought bitterly over it even though I had told him when we got back together (i know...my mistake) that if he EVER did that again, I WOULD divorce him. I let it slip, but now we are back to square one again, because I found out that he was doing it again. What does HE do? He changed all of his passwords on his accounts on October 15th, and told me that HIS finances are NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!! Unbeknownst to him, I called his credit card company toll free number, punched in his acct number and found out yesterday that his balance is now $200 dollars short of being MAXED OUT of his $10k limit. His balance was $2,300 in October. He also worked a bunch of overtime at work and made $8k extra over three months, and has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to show for ANY OF IT, so I'm assuming that he has gambled most of it away, or given the cash advances of $3k to his darlings. He spent Christmas with his darlings, as I had to work. I am at the point now where I don't love him anymore, and I cringe when he touches me. We haven't had sex since Novemeber 1st, and I don't want any intimacy with him anymore. I feel like we're two people living under the same roof, and that's ALL....
We've been together for almost ten years, and his three "adult" SDs (ages 31, 25, and 22) still do not acknowledge me. The youngest one is the only one who will talk to me, and very little at that. The DIVORCE is coming.......... sad, because we both have good jobs and could have the world "by the ass"......
What would YOU do with the bastard?????? Please give me your thoughts.
PLEASE read my previous posts: Three "adult?" step-daughters
Submitted by wickedsm2004 on Tue, 08/25/2009 - 9:42am.

I'm carrying most of the financial freight too but DH seems to be coming around. (Well, you thought that too but now look what has happened. I shall keep my eyes wide open!) I was considering a home equity loan to pay off $50K in credit card debt (joint purchases but my debt of course). I was too stupid for too long. Anyway, I told DH that I wasn't going to get the H.E. loan because we'd just rack up credit card debt again because of stuff he or his grown son "needs." He knew it was true. Fortunately for me, DH isn't a gambler or drinker or druggie.

I don't know much about gambling, but if it's like any other addiction he needs to decide to get his own act together. If you live in a U.S. state with a lottery, there is probably a state-mandated gamblers hotline and that would be worth a call to see what resources might be available to him.

But ultimately all you can do is take care of yourself. I'd throw his s**t out on the lawn when it's raining (better, snowing) for putting you through this hell again. It IS sad.

No kidding, take care of yourself FIRST. Women take care of everybody else and then there's nothing left.

Thank you "Winehead"......

I do realize I need to take care of myself. It's hard to do sometimes, when you keep hoping that things will change....
My saving grace is my own three children who are happy, well adjusted adults who have NEVER asked for handouts, and only taken a few when I insisted. I just wish that they lived closer.

Good luck to you and your DH. Happy New Year.

When they are old enough to know better.

" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

Wow... So this was some very interesting reading.

Very insightful. I am probably going to get flamed here, but I will admit that I am one of those Father's that still helps his grown son of 25.

I don't go to the extremes listed above, a few bucks here a couple there.

I don't take anything from my wife (son's step mom) at all.

I can't speak for every guy spoken of in this thread, but I can say, I agree with everything that was said.
I think most of us "stupid fathers" would prefer our kids to be independent and stable. in fact, I KNOW I would feel so much better if I never had to give a dime to my son.

Its a hard thing to stop even though I tell myself logically, all I am doing is enabling him. But I just don't see a way for him to actually get on his feet, without some help.

He IS looking for a job (had a great job, till the company closed on him 4 months ago) He has a blown knee, no insurance, so has to find a job that isn't physical where he needs to stand or lift.

There is no way to get his leg fixed, since its not "life threatening" and he has no insurance, and the hospital wants $18K up front.

So, he goes for interviews, but has no gas, so I give him some gas money so he can go. He can't get gas until he has a job and he can't get a job till he has gas.

I don't do anything else other than a few bucks here and there so he can get to job interviews or go pick up his kids from his ex wife on his weekends (my grandkids).

He is looking for a job, not sitting around, but this economy makes it very hard.

So, I want to let him fend for himself, and I ask, sincerely, HOW do I?

It is a huge bone of contention with my wife. She doesn't have the emotional investment in my son. They never really lived together. We got married after my son moved out (btw, I raised my 4 kids after my ex wife moved out) My current wife only is connected with my youngest, as he lived with us for 4 years until he just joined the Navy 3 weeks ago.

So, me wife and I have a lot of tension over this, and we don't talk much about it. I resent her because she wont let me help, or gets really snotty if I ask her if I can help. Even if its $50 to put gas in his car to go to interviews. and she resents me because I still help him from time to time.

Its like she thinks I want to.. that I am taking from her... but neither is true. We make good money, and we have some disposable income, and i wouldn't ever give more than we could afford. And we still manage to put a few $ in savings every month.

So, please, I really want to know. How? I want my son to stand on his own, I want my wife to stop resenting me and my son, and I want to stop resenting her.

If I can't figure out a way to work this out with my wife, it will drive us to divorce. And we have a beautiful son almost 3 years old.

I am a dad, I can't leave my children.. I can't abandon them.

And during this recession everyone is having it tough finding jobs.

I should point out that I grew up in an orphanage and foster homes from 9 months to 18 years old.

I grew up without parents, so I will admit, I went the opposite extreme with my kids. I have always been there for them. but now that seems it may cost me my current marriage.

And I don't want that.

So, I will listen to any advice.

Greystorm, I posted my comment about this last December. My SS24 was running through gobs of money, and my DH kept handing it over. Well, guess what. SShad a drug addiction and all that money, including some of my money, fed the addiction. (He's clean now, and we are so very hopeful for him.)

I just bought my daughter, 24, a tank of gas. I help with her rent and some expenses, as does her dad. She's in school, recently laid off from a job, looking for work. Do I wish she were more aggressive in trying to find a job? yes. Have I coddled her too much? Yes. But she's turning into quite a nice grownup, a few years behind in her maturity level.

We don't give either of our kids extras, but do help support their basic living needs. Note I said "help." They are expected to contribute. Or do without.

As to finances, my DH and I have a joint account for our own household expenses and we each have a separate account for ourselves. As long as he's contributing our agreed-upon amount to the joint account, I don't care what he does with his own money. We've come a long, long way.

Many posters here will advise against supporting grown kids with a sense of entitlement, who are not making an effort to be independent, who use their parent as a bank machine, who do nothing to contribute. But if that's not the case for you, I don't think there's anything wrong with giving grown kids a helping hand now and then if you can afford it and if you are meeting your obligations to your spouse and young kids. Moderation, though. Not indulgence.

I don't think you should have to ask your wife if you can help your own son. There's no way my DH will tell me what I can and can't do with my own money. Money can sometimes be a source of power in a relationship, and maybe that's what you need to explore. Why is she trying to control this?

Always.

" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

Brave Greystorm, thank you for the post. My DH still "helps out" his 27 YO daughter. She's been going to college since she graduated high school with no degree in sight. DH still pays for car & medical insurance and tuition & books and subsidizes as needed. He has cut back recently and I like to think that I had a hand in that.

About a year ago I did a spread sheet on our expenses and I put all monies he gave to SD as his discretionary expenses. His were about $5,000 more than mine - he was very surprised. I also suggested that the way he give $'s to SD be via a transfer within our bank accounts. SD now has an account that DH can view. He can clearly see the amount spent on bars, Friday night taxis, nail care, tanning etc. I'm sure that this year when we review expenses - we'll see that the amount he gave SD has decreased.

What I'm trying to say in a long winded way is you have the right to spend your money on your kids - whatever age they are. But wouldn't you like to know how they are spending that money? Are you sure that your son is trying every avenue in his job search? How is your son repaying you for your support and I'm not talking dollars. Does he help when you ask for his help, does he appreciate what you are doing for him?
Glynne

wow, that sucks! i recently cut of SD21 because she is a user, user, user, user!!!!

this month was the last one for her on our cell phone. as long as my kids are in college and doing well, i don't mind paying for the cell. my ss17 is on my plan and i hate it because he doesn't deserve it and treats me like $#!t. and i'm the one that got the phone for the little focker.

DH gave ss20 $1000 of our house payment last year because he had a wreck without insurance and had to pay the man to stay out of trouble. I was livid, but what can I do? I just had to get over that one. We struggled for months on that one. And the list goes on. makes me sick.

This is all so bizarre to me-parents supporting adult children? By 25 I was married, had a kid, a Master's Degree, and a fulltime job. My parents paid for nothing for me. They got me gifts for bday and xmas. This bday me my mom got me a candle. For xmas I asked for an electric blanket. I believe they will probably give me 100.00 along with the blanket and I find that very generous. I will say when I was 21 I married and for the first year or so my parents paid my car payment. I was still in school and working and so appreciated the help. They would have paid for my 4 years of college had I asked them to, but I went to them after two years and told them I could do it myself. They spend about 75.00 each on my 3 kids for xmas. Again, I find that very generous. Do you all just think this is a step issue and that these situations are bred by guilty daddies or is this the new generation?

$500 a month is an awful lot of help every month even for a 25 year old. Our adult kids (step family) are 25, 27, 28, 29. Only one gets help and that's the youngest. I told her I would help her out by sending her $125 a month for one year while her husband was going to school and she was out of working and trying to go to school. I would suggest setting a date that the support will end or setting dates to gradually lower the amoiunt until it is gone. Stepdaughter has probably become very dependent on what your husband is giving her and has adjusted her bills and lifestyle to incorporate that income. Growing up is tought but she has to become independent from her father and supporting herself is a good start.

What about a SS that uses the fact he needs money so his 3 kids can have their necessaties. SS has a job. SS shares custody with his soon to be ex. His "home" for the last year and half is a studio apt of his grandmas and there is no rent. The kids are with him most nights. No beds for the kids. He has no dollars in the bank. He has no problem going out drinking and taking his new girlfriend out to dinner. BUT, his kids get microwave popcorn for dinner.

Then begs us for money because he can't get them school clothes or shoes. OH...the kids...their xmas gifts...$275 IPod Touch...$200 handheld game of some kind...$100 UGH boots for a 4 year old!

DH feels he is helping the grandkids...Can't help his son but doesn't feel the kids should suffer.

I have finally found a place where other people are experiencing the same issues as me.

I met a man a year ago we seemed to have a lot in common and enjoyed each others company. Most of our arguments, if not all, surround his 20 year old son. This kid is coddles by his father, his son has never had a job, nor does he want for anything, he mearly makes a demand and Daddy makes it happen. This kid is still in high school ( yes at 20) and failing. Did summer school didn't make it, was supposed to finish up in January, didn't make it, and may not graduate again come June as he is failing his classes again.... Daddy lets him smoke pot and drink alcohol in the house with his friends. Daddy pays his truck ins. all repairs, gas money, even gives him money for marajuana and cigarettes even though the kid has asthma, and money to go out on dates to bars with a band. Buys him cloths and feeds him, the kid eats out every day! and he has food at the house his sons friends as well. Pays his cell phone bill. recently has taken to paying his fines $1,200.00 for a pot charge, $380.00 for speeding 25 miles over the speed limit got the ticket in Dec. and never told his father, drunk and disorderly last week $355.00....The kids car ins. alone is $200.00+ a month. This is only March. He bought his son a graduation package $500.00 and a class ring $250.00 and hands him $400.00 a month cash allowence. Lets not forget Christmas..... While the kid got lavished on, gift card for $50.00, 100.00 in cloths, a silver necklace, and tires for the truck $500.00, there was NO present under the tree for me, not even a card, we discussed gift exchange. His parents got a hand made quilt for $140.00 all his brothers + their wives, got presents to open at the christmas breakfast family gathering, which I wrapped, even though it was stated their would be no present exchange. I spent about $100.00 on him. Last week my significant other let his sons girlfriend move in, she is 18, who doesn't have a job. She found a job but didn't pass the drug test. They have been dating for almost 5 months. Now he feeds her as well. He allows his grown son to walk into our bedroom while we are asleep. The kid raids the change jar, goes into the master bath for TP or what ever. I am constantly going to their bathroom to retrieve my toiletries, the B/F doesn't seem to have a problem with that. My B/F said lets get engaged, we went ring shopping I was told to pick out something in the price range of $200.00 that is not a typo. Mind you I didn't say marry, he WITHDREW the wedding proposal. He did buy me a ring at a pawn shop.. for $375.00. It was an ugly 2 days, full of fighting, he didn't buy me the ring I wanted, but picked up one I was looking at and paid for it while I was still looking, walked over to me and said here.... handed it to me and walked away, went to look at tools, left me standing there in the middle of the store alone, no words, no kiss, no nothin. Last week he wanted to borrow $400.00 to pay his kids fine. I felt like I was about to pay for my own ring, that is by the way, a cloudy 1/4 carrot marque, I wanted a round stone. I guess I am just an ungreatful bitch. I packed my bags and moved back to my home. He came over last night to "talk" and get the few meger belongings he left here. I have discovered that he doesn't consider me his best friend. He also let me know he considers woman inferior, something about the Bible and that all important decisions fall to the man and my opinion doesn't matter W.T.F.!!!! That sentence explained everything. He is basically broke- His father bought him the house he is living in. Talk about a burst bubble WOW. Now I am reading all these posts. My heart is broke. . . I am 54 year old widow, I am feeling so, so, so, so,vulnerable. One last thing, I offered his son some money to help pay his fine in exchange for some much needed yard work. I new I was going to over pay him for his shoddey services. I was bluntly told "give my father the money and I will come next week",He was out partying all night and didn't wake up till 1:00 in the afternoon. I have never heard of paying in advance for services not rendered, and this weekend came and went and he never showed, but I didn't pay out the money either, His father was mad at me for not buckeling down and giving. This man child makes his father pay him $10.00 to do the dishes, or weed whack or mow grass the dummy pays him in advance, we get back and the B/F does the work on top of it, the kid refuses to go near the sink, washing machine, dryier, mop or vaccum cleaner. All the kids dirty cloths blanket his floor.

I am seeing this mess in print and the impact is shattering. One of the original compromises was the kid graduates, gets a job, the girlfriend GETS a JOB BEFORE she moves in, (they are engaged, he ordered his father to buy her an engagement ring) and they rent his house and he comes here. Now I know that no matter what I say, all decisions would be made by him, no compromise. (The kid lost his licence for 4 months to boot. Daddy is working on a provisional for sonney boy so he doesn't have to take the school bus and in hopes he will get job LOL) It's not the kid its DAD. . .He needs to slap that child off his tittie. can treating a kid to good be abuse? What is the ramification of repeatidly rewarding a child for bad behaviour? What I have also observed is that the b/f's word is no good, he yells and screams at the kid... sets down all sorts of rules and 2 days later doesn't enforce anything of what he said. The only thing I see that the kid has learned is how to nod his head and grunt at the approperiate time, appease his father and then does as he pleases. His son has come to me and tells me he hates his father and wants him out of his house, he has said get out of my house old man. the B/F laughs, must think its funny... I don't. They wresteled the other day, his son left marks all over his father, a blood blister on one cheek and scratches on the other, various bruises elsewhere. Kid was serious he was telling his father to get the "F" out of his room......B/F thought he was playing. I don't think so.

If for nothing else I feel a bit better getting this off my chest. Hope everyone has a beautiful day

I'll bet next year you will be thanking your lucky stars you got out of that mess before it went any farther. If it were me, I'd cut all ties with this group - completely. What puzzles me is how can this jerk even remotely site religion as an excuse for treating women badly? Believe me - when this guy gets to the 'Pearly Gates' he's going to be met by a woman pointing down!

Who cares if BM has a shit storm! Srew BM and her fit! You guys are paying for all of that and I agree with you...SD ahould be paying for her cell, car and insurance herself! I bet she and her hubby have the cash to go out all the time! Short on cash? I think they are not!

Hey Gang, I'm back again with the final chapter, The B/F wanted to work things out. We went for a ride and ended up at his place, It was late so he wanted me to stay over, not a bootie call cause he didn't buy any Viagra (another sad story). He left me there on Sat. with the kids, while he went to do a side job, the g/f and son challenged me, comes barreling out of the bedroom and acuses me of getting in B/F ear and now they can't drink and smoke pot or smoke cigarettes in the house, no more parties and its all my fault!!! Not that the son has cost dear old Dad $2,000.00 + in fines, in 6 mo. Last party that went on there ended up with kids drunk, roaming around the master bedroom, the night stand was ruffled through and the closet light was on. One girl throwing up in the bathroom, another falling on the steps and chipping a front tooth, he is lucky he didn't get sued!!! He has no home owners insurance. Before we went out I told him I saw a Vodka bottle, and some wine coolers, and heard talk of the party. he said I was delusional. He just doesn't listen to me on any level about anything, (so sad.)

B/F started telling me about his parents, and that he doesn't respect his Mother. Mom and Dad used to roll around on the floor and hit each other when they got drunk when he was a kid. Doesn't disrespect his father for hitting his Mom a WOMAN!!!! He went on to tell me that he doesn't respect woman as a whole, and is aware that he didn't treat his X-wife right. He also said he didn't treat his last 2 girlfriends right. Blatently admitted that he doesn't treat me as well as he could or should either. He said that he knows he is a selfish and self centered man and that's just how it is. He is fully aware of his actions. OMG!!! So much was said, something pertaining to the fact that I should get used to being handed the left overs, "His wants comes first, the house bills, house stuff- TV video games, surround sound bla bla bla, his son and his wants, what ever is left over money wise is what will be spent on me". he also mentioned that he stalked one of the woman...... he used to live with......and domestic trespass to another, my mind is reeling....... I am sitting here in T-total shock. I figured it out, but to have someone look me in the eye and say those things to my face OMG!I was also told that the sons G/F is staying, he has a purpose for her. His kid is loosing his licence for 4 months, someone has to drive him around, and she has a car. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!! I say clip the little Bastards wings and let him get a reality check, as adults we don't always get what we want, it builds character! The list of crap from that conversation is mind boggeling. He admits to liking a little chaos and drama said it makes life interesting, so he purposly leaves out tizbits of information and watches people stir themselves into a fine lather, while he sits back and watches in amusement.....like a grade "B" soap opra or comedy show. A whole skit can emerge around the lack of pertinate information.

Other things that happened over the weekend, kid refused to work with his father to earn money had to go to a funeral for a school acquaintence (HUH) Kid built a fire in the back yard and went to a friends house, leaving it burning. Took off with $20.00 to buy laundry detergen A HA HA HA detergent or change never appeared. we ended up going to the store to buy some. Kid was supposed to cut neighbors grass for money Dad set it up....That never happened either 2 failed job opportunities, 3 counting my yard work. Kid comes home under the influence of something.

I'm home and off to bed... hopefully this is the final chapter of " As the Stomach Turns"

So let BM rain a shitstorm. As long as you & your DH don't react (try to explain or give in) to her little fit, she'll get tired of raining.

SS will be 18 in less than a month. He is wanting to come live with me & DH. Bm & her mother have taught the kids NOTHING about being independent or doing for themselves, & in fact have catered & coddled them & conditioned them to always "need" BM. She isn't independent in the least, & HER mother raised her to be that way. The outcome is BM's mother paying her way, her 2 children's ways (neither BM or her 1/2 breother works) & between her & BM they have put SS & SD on the very same path, so BM's mother is paying their way as well. That is what comes of adults who's parents feel sorry for them & cannot allow them the space to fall down & pick themselves back up. I don't think it's wrong to HELP them get back up, but it's vital that they learn to help themselves. Picking them up rather than HELPING them help themselves is what creates entitled adults, & entitled adults create entitled children who become entitled adults.

DH has made it clear to SS that if he moves in with us, he'll be expected to attend school every day & he'll be expected to work at least a part-time job until he graduates HS. When he graduates he'll be expected to enroll in college & work full-time until he starts back into school. His part-time job should cover the cost of his car insurance, a cell phone if he wants one, & gas to get him where he needs to go. As long as he's in school, we'll provide a home & food. If he drops out, it's on him to provide for himself.

If parents do not TEACH their children to do for themselves they won't.

The girl is 25 & apparently felt grown up enough to create & keep a baby. If she is grown up enough to do that, she is grown up enough to pay for her cell phone or go without. Also, no time like NOW to teach her a lesson in being frugal & living within HER means. Why is she driving a car with a $500/mo payment??? At 36 years old, I have yet to own a vehicle with anything over a $240/month payment. That's because, I have yet to have the MEANS to afford anything more than that.

Perhaps rather than pouring all of that money into an expensive car for an entitled adult, your husband could put it into an account for his grandchild to go to college. Obviously his daughter isn't going to be able to do for her child. She can't do for herself. It'd give his grandchild an opportunity that it won't get from it's mother.

Your husband is crippling his daughter & conditioning her to be dependent on him. From this, she'll likely learn that she needs a man to pay her way, which will likely lead to her ending up trapped in abusive situations because she won't have the skills or the confidence to be able to make it on her own.