What to expect
Forums:
Well the day has come and SD30 has announced she is pregnant. The woman has no husband, a part time low paying job, has never had a full time job and lives in a condo that we own and pays rent that covers the condo fees and taxes. My husband has 3 kids all in their mid twenties and older and all are still being supported to varying extents by us and BM. What has been your experience when these entitled adults start having kids? A heads up would be appreciated.
Done
My money has been separated from DH for 20 years. I used my money to purchase the condo on the understanding that SD30 would get a full time job and purchase the condo from us. She chose to become an unwed mother instead. Should have seen that coming!
Nasty failed family gene
Nasty failed family gene pools seem to just keep replicating. If you do not lock down the marital resources this useless breeder will just suck up more and more of your resources playing the heart strings of your SO.
End it now. Either end the support for unviable adult Skids, or end the relationship.
Your condo, your choice. Immediatley inform her that she will begin paying market rental rate for YOUR condo or she can GTF out. If she has a lease, notify her of the invocation of rent upon the end of her current lease. If there is no lease, have your attorney send her an eviction notice with a departure date.
You may have screwed the pooch on this by establishing the precident of providing her with housing.
End that crap now.
IMHO of course.
BTW, congrat on the pending GSKid... Grandma.
Good luck.
Any one who can afford kids
Can pay the actual rent. Or find someplace to live put the condo up for sale
If you and your husband
If you and your husband subsidize his adult kids now, it will just get worse when kids enter the picture. You will now be emotionally blackmailed, as well as financially taken advantage of. Yay.
separate finances is not enough....
Glad you have separate finances. However, ultimately someday retirement is a combined life. I would not tolerate my DH giving adult kids money. I would give the loser SD a finite amount of time to begin paying market rate for rent or she is out. Do not enable this.
Lalaland, I don't think you
Lalaland, I don't think you are in a good situation at all. Why are any of these adults being funded? Why are you a part of this nonsense? Your SD30 is already essentially living rent free, not working full time, and then adds a baby to the mix? Sounds like you will never have a life with your dh's lazy, worthless adult kids. No way in hell would I tolerate that.
Time to list the condo for
Time to list the condo for sale. Because soon, SD won't even be able to pay the meager amount she is now.
Get out of the enabling game.
Supporting and enabling
Supporting and enabling another generation starts. I am so sorry.
ALL of those kids need launch plans so they can get off the Mommy and Daddy payroll. Or at least Daddy's. Give them all a timeline based on their individual circumstances (maybe one is a brilliant engineer just finishing up school, so support will continue until graduation).
It took me forever to get SS off our cell phone plan and car insurance. I swear, that was more for DH than for SS, so that Dh could sitll feel "needed." It was ridiculous. Since SS has become completely independent, he has assumed total responsibility for his own life and he's succeeding. It's wonderful to see.
You
Will basically be parents to the child...all the bills, babysitting, etc. If you dont want to parent this baby think about how to set up boundaries now...stop supporting her, I agree sell the condo and reinvest elsewhere. They will leech off you as long as you let them. Close the atm now because the baby will be used as a pawn to get money and baby stuff from you. She chose to get pregnant tell her to go on WIC and govt support for the baby, govt housing etc.MAKE her take care of this child.
Think ahead
If DH keeps on supporting DD and GC. Now that there is a GC. SD can not work, and needs more money . Baby furniture, diapers,baby food, clothing ect. Your DH will be funding her much more.
What means he will not be saving for retirement, Cant afford vacations for you and him. Of eating out.
So sometime in the future DH will have to retire, will have no retirement fund, you will be supporting DH bcause all his money went to SD and GC or children.
Noe is the time for the TALK , You are selling the condo. DH better have a retirement plans for his retirement. He will pay for two vacations a year for only you and DH . If he want to pay for additional vacations with DD and GC that on him. Only after retirement is fully funded each year before DD money
Thanks all..great advice
Spent the last couple of days in very difficult discussions/negotiations with DH. Basically the enabling will stop and no further monies will be given to the step adults.
The SD25, who is a great person, will finish her degree next April and has been informed that we are done with the financial support at that time. She is fine with that and very grateful for everything we have done for her. It is likely she will have to do an advanced degree to get a job in her field and she is prepared to finance that on her own.
SS26 just started university (yes you read that right) and currently lives in a condo owned by us and has not worked in the past 3 years. He has now been told that that condo will be put on the market next April and he has to be out by then and we will not be supporting him financially. SS26 is in a very tough program at uni and we are thinking that is very likely to not do well, plus he has a terrible attitude towards me. He is very unhappy with us at the moment. Tough luck, lazy boy.
SD30 will be given an opportunity to get a mortgage and pay us out, not likely with her work history, earnings and pregnancy...but perhaps the sperm donor will marry her and the two of them can get a bank to give them a loan. Otherwise the plan is, next July that condo goes on the market. We haven't spoken with her yet, but I imagine this will not go over well.
I assume BM will attempt to rescue them, as she has done for their entire lives, but that will be her problem, not ours anymore. They can all live in her basement and ruin her retirement.
I hope he sticks to his guns.
I hope he sticks to his guns. It will really be best for his marriage AND his kids.
Surely, he can see what the enabling has done for his oldest?
Well done, you!
Well done, you!
You're being more than generous and giving ample notice to the ticks. Keep those boundaries strong!
Cutting off all support for a
Cutting off all support for a breeding Skid and providing zero support for that breeder in providing for a GSKid is a hill that I would not only die on, I would "kill" on it as well... proverbially of course. At least the marriage should be killed in the face of those events.
Smh.
If SD can't support her spawn, then baby daddy should get the kid. Not one penny of your marital resources should go to SD once she has opened herself up to breeding. The same applies to a SS who engages the magic staff of flawed genetic replication and can't provide for themselves or the result of their sport breeding.
Smh .... again.
Conversely, if the breeding Skid is self supporting and capable of providing for their own spawn, I would be all in on participating in gifts, spoiling, and going all over the top in being excitedly supportive.
That is earned IMHO. If the breeder isn't viable as an adult and there are no mitigating developmental, physical, or debilitating chronic health issues, the breeder Skid or BK can live the full consequences of their chosen status as a failure.
Except in the tragic case where the BioParent is forced by the court to support the waste of Skin repeat generation GSkid breeder. And in those rediculous cases, the support is CS for the Skid and only CS for the Skid.
IMHO of course.
I'm impressed with your DH.
I'm impressed with your DH. He's doing absolutely the right thing for his kids. They are all adults and they need to learn to function as adults. No, they won't like it. Congratulations to the SD completing uni and being grateful for the experience--she's got it right. And I bet, out of all of then, she has the most self confidence and independence and is the happiest.
He's being a good parent by doing the hard thing.
You are absolutely correct
Thanks...you are correct. SD25 has her act together and it is my opinion that escaping BM made all the difference. The other two steps have never left town and rely on BM and DH for a huge amount of support. They are also quite miserable and lazy.
Also my BD37 has an extremely successful career and has been financially independent since she graduated from uni at age 22 from a very tough program at an elite university is very happily married with 2 wonderful kids. So we are managing a 50% success rate, so far.
Update
Well pregnant SD30 has rekindled her relationship with the sperm donor, so hopefully he sticks around and supports this child. Fingers crossed.
As predicted,SS26 has dropped 2 courses at uni because it was too much work. These courses were all prerequisites for his second year courses. This would easily extend his time at university by 1 to 2 years. DH asked to talk to him about school and SS26 got really angry and told him he was moving out of our condo ASAP and moving in with BM....the place where no one hassles anybody about anything. Yay for us, we can put our condo on sale much sooner than planned. I love it when these Stepkids think they are punishing us, but in fact are doing us a huge favour. DH is not surprised by any of this but is disappointed with SS26 behavior and his total lack of any appreciation for his help.
I should add that SS26 requested that my DH and BM pay his tuition which was over $6000 for the first term. We also let him live in the condo (which was costing us about $1000 per month). So DH felt he could talk to him about school and dropping courses 2 weeks after the term started. SS26 has not worked in 3 years and has no money.
SD25 and BD37 are both doing well and living good and interesting lives.