Thoughts please
Okay steptalkers...what do you think of this.
Backstory. My DH met with SS30 last week and let him know we had set aside a sum of money (low 6 figures) for him to use as a down payment when he is ready to purchase a house/condo. SS30 currently lives with BM and has not held a paying job in over 5 years. He is currently doing some part time volunteer work and is thinking about trying university again (dropped out twice previously). Any money he has has been provided by BM not earned by him. The following is the email that he sent us and was titled...Your plans for my plan.
" I have already mentioned a plan to you. I told you I have investment and savings accounts where the money will be held for at least 10 years and then used for a large purchase like owning a house if it's even possible by then.
You rejected this plan, claiming the money is already doing that. This clearly indicates the plan is subject to approval and I would appreciate knowing the criteria.
I would also like to inquire about the benefits of submitting a plan for approval. Aside from the monetary boon, how will I benefit from this submission?"
Thoughts?
He uses a lot of words to say
He uses a lot of words to say "Waaaaaa!"
He hasn't worked in 5 years yet he still eats. I'm assuming all he has to do to get the "low 6 figures" is to get a fulltime job, keep it (or another) for a few years, and pick out a house? What else is stopping him? He wouldn't get a mansion but a 6-figure down payment could mostly pay for a house or condo in less desirable areas. If he had been working even minimum wage and living with BM this whole time, he would have all he needed.
Even if he bought one....
Even if he bought a house or condo, he cant afford maintenance fee, taxes, utilities, etc since he has no income. Nothing to discuss further at this time.
Was telling him supposed to
Was telling him supposed to act as an incentive for him to get his crap together?
Yes
I asked DH not to say anything to him, but DH felt he should. No good deed goes unpunished.
I read this to mean... "give
I read this to mean... "give me the money now.. I will invest it and eventually when I have more saved.. I will put it towards a home or similar investment"
I would tell him that the money will stay with dad... and when he is able to independently purchase a home.. meaning stable job and some record of good fiscal habits (savings.. not too much debt).. the money will be provided coincident with the purchase of a primary home for SS.
He will not get the money while not working.. while in school.. when he doesn't have the ability to make house payments.
I
I would communicate a plan with some stipulations about the money. Also agree.. To hold on to the money until all the terms are satisfied. I would tell him a clear plan though so everyone knows what is going to happen
I agree but I would also
put a deadline on how long he can take to meet the aforementioned terms. In other words, if he has not completed thos terms before 1st January2030, the money will be off the table.
Besides that
I'd have the terms and conditions formally drawn up by a lawyer to make sure he understands that you are serious about this and that there will be no negotiations tolerated.
Thanks for your input
Thank you fellow step talkers. When I read this email, my first impression was what an arrogant and entitled man SS30 has become. I was raised to thank people when they help you not make more demands of them. Your opinions and advice are very welcome and inciteful and I shall pass them on to DH.
The tone of the email did
The tone of the email did come across as rude and entitled to me. I guess it would be up to you whether to proceed with your kind offer. I tend to help people who are appreciative and grateful. I can't say I would help someone who takes my money or effort for granted. It really grinds my gears. I think if you did go ahead it makes sense to have those guardrails in place and hold onto the money until the conditions are met. I suppose you could see how his attitude about it is when he discovers the "strings" and go from there.
I do agree with setting
I do agree with setting criteria and being clear. Either the money is for him or it isn't. Not being clear about what it will take for him to get it will allow him to keep hoping it will be just handed to him and trying to wear you guys down. Plus it is kind of crappy to say "I was going to give you $100,000 but now i'm not." The best options would be not to mention it at all or say "If you do x, y, and z by this time, you get the money." If SS has any sense at all, he'll do what he has to do because it sounds like the criteria are for him to become a normal 30-something adult. Meaning one with a job who budgets their money so as to survive.
I get that but at the same
I get that but at the same time if I was going to give someone an extremely large amount of money as a generous gift meant to help, i would be pissed if they were rude to to me and they just might forfeit the right to that money...however to each their own.
Ie/if someone scoffed at a generous monetary gift.. I would feel offended by this /insulted
Oh, for sure. Taking the
Oh, for sure. Taking the money off the table altogether is a totally valid option. It sounds like the dad has basically told him "I have this money for you when you are ready to buy a house." I would clarify what that means exactly, or, simply tell him you have no money for him.
When I read this email, my
My thoughts exactly. I'd rescind the offer and never mention it again.
He seems to be very unwisely
He seems to be very unwisely burning bridges.. It is very dumb to look a gift horse in the mouth.... When people offer you money you either take it or don't... You take it as it is, not fight or demand things. It's extremely poor taste and poor etiquette. Honestly it does make it not want to contribute anything.
Respond and keep it stupid simple for him.
Okay dumb-ass, you asked. So, here are the rules. My/our money earmarked for you to eventually purchase a home is invested and is growing for your ultimate benefit. IF, and make sure you note the BIG IF, you get your ass in school, graduate with a bachelors degree from an institution accredited by a USDOE recognized accrediting body with a viable degree marketable to the employment market. After you do that then demonstrate that you can function as a self supporting viable adult, and only then we will deploy OUR money directly to the seller of a home that we approve in a housing market we approve. We will not flush our money down a toilet. So, step up, man up, adult up, grow up and pull your head out of your own ass. So let it be spoken, so let it be done! Good luck skippy. We look forward to attending your college graduation. Write when you find work. Buh-bye.
This self important pompous little dickhead is nauseating beyond measure.
IMHO of course.
Thanks all
My DH and I have gone through all the comments and the current course of action is to go non-contact. Just let SS30 ponder for a long while. We live several thousand miles away from him and BM, so it is incredibly unlikely he will end up on our doorstep pleading his case. I would love to see DH go full-Rags on him but the is an unlikely scenario unless SS30 starts pushing DH for the cash. Rescinding the offer would be my choice, but I am only one vote at this time. Full, documented legal plans are out of the question at the moment as all of DH kids are masters at finding and using loopholes. We have 25+ years of dealing with that and enough is enough. The monies are in our control and we will decide when and how it is handed out.
I like that approach of
I like that approach of simply backing off it for a while to let it simmer for now. Not get drawn into anything crazy. This would be my approach as well.
My SS is a fine man. A man
My SS is a fine man. A man of character, honor, and standing in his life, profession, and community. Even with that, our Will is clear and structured regarding his inheritance. He is t
he heir and beneficiary of our estate. DW and I are each others sole heir and beneficiary. When the later of us passes, it all goes to our son. That will hopefully and likely be my DW who is 12yrs younger than I am.
SS gets it all when... he either turns 40 or completes a Bachelors degree from an institution accredited by an accrediting body recognized by the USDOE. Until then it goes into a trust administered by my brother and my dad. This was to avoid the SpermClan benefiting in any way from our estate in the event of the co-demise of DW and I while SS was a minor and to minimize their being able to manipulate SS to allow them to benefit from his inheritance once he reached adulthood and reached the qualifying event or age.
He likely will never need our resources. He is less than 7 years from full military retirement and has been investing heavily from his income while serving. His specialty has a high income private sector job market associated with it.
Kids need to understand that once they reach kidulthood their parents have zero duty to provide for them or ever give or leave them anything. I am a "they have to earn it continually" proponent. If a kidult doesn't earn it continually then leave it to the kidults who do or to a charity/non-profit of your choice.
IMHO of course.
I can't imagine being offered
I can't imagine being offered an extremely generous gift and then trying to negotiate an even better deal.
The only acceptable response is some variation of "thank you." I think I'd respond to his email with something simple: "as I said, this gift is available when you are ready to buy a house or condo, and there need be no further discussion about it until you are ready to do that."
I am not sure how this money
I am not sure how this money is saved or where you live, but please look into the tax implications of gifting someone money.
In the US, parents can gift their children about 15,000 per parent, per year, without tax implications. There may be tax fallout from gifting the full amount to your SS, should you choose to do that.
The giftee
pays no tax on a gift. The gift-er has to report the gift at tax time but no taxes are paid by the gift-er until the total cash gifts over time reach over a million dollars. Sounds nuts, but it's true.
SS just wants the money to piss it away
First of all. JUST why did DH go into a discussion of buying a home when he's not working. Ju`st tell him when he holds a Job for 5 years and has X% orcdien payment saved himself. You will give him the money. Not before
Can't agree more, Harry!
Can't agree more, Harry! However, I'm confused about; ....X% orcdien payment saved... What do you mean?
I think it is a t ypo of "down" payment.
Maybe?
"down payment" clicked for me. anyway.
Update
Well, the past week has been a barrage of emails from SS30. Apparently DH and I are controlling, we set traps for him, have no right to ask him for plans or conditions for the use of our money, are responsible for him not completing some assignments he was working on and he will not communicate with DH by phone, only texts or emails. SS30 was told the amount and that the monies were to assist in getting him on the property ladder in the future. He was also told that when he was getting ready to get a property to call us and let us know his plans. The following is his last email to us.
"You never told me how much was set aside until now. You never mentioned what the plan was for or why. You told me SD29 had the same promise, despite her not being required to submit anything. The fact I had to submit anything is a bizarre conditional.
I feel as if I've had to turn screws to get basic information. This has caused me a lot of stress and I have fallen behind on some studies that I was really hoping to accomplish. From my perspective, it looked like I was going to submit plans until you and lala got the one you wanted, and then it was going to be held against me so that I followed to your liking. When you say "me and lala would still like our control" I need to start checking for traps because historically, it has been very controlling.
Thank you for clarifying my plan is acceptable. Thank you for clarifying how much is set aside. Thank you for your cooperation through this difficult conversation. If all goes according to plan then we don't need to talk about this for the next 10 years."
'Thoughts?
Hold him to not talking about
Hold him to not talking about the money for 10 years. All of the rest can, and should, be ignored.
He's really whiny for a 30
He's really whiny for a 30-year-old man.
Thoughts? You are dealing with a pathetic whiny loser.
I would go no contact and if he ever crawls out from under his infantile kidult rock, stick to the script.
It is your money. It gets used as you stipulate. No discussion. Any whining, add 10yrs to the schedule. Including no contact.
If you want to send a very clear message, tell him that there has been a change of plans and it will be an element of your Estate that will go into Trust to be used as you stipulate in your Will.
We did a version of this though we set it up when SS was in his early to mid single digit age years. Our goal was to protect SS from toxic SpermClan manipulation and to deny them any benefit from our Estate in order to preserve it for our kid. DW and I are each the others sole heir and beneficiary. In the event of our co-demise it will to go into a managed Trust administrated by my brother and/or my dad until SS finishes a Bachelor's degree from an accredited institution or turns 40. Whichever is the earlier. He is now 32 and does not nor likely will ever need our resources. Though he will get them eventually.