Drama queens
My SD30 loves creating drama. She phoned her elderly grandmother to tell her she was organising a baby shower for her sister. Not content to leave it at that, she felt the need to announce that I wasn't going to be invited. Her grandmother is sick and tired of the whole lot of these kids causing drama so gave her a bit of a stern talking to. SD30 clearly didn't like this and ended up throwing in lies about me, claiming I'd cut her out of our wedding photos! Quite frankly I'm thrilled to bits I'm not invited to the baby shower because SD35 and SD24 have made it very clear they want nothing to do with me or their father. So SD30 then contacts her father and complains that grandmother yelled at her, that she's put in the middle again, when all she was trying to do was protect me....(pardon me while I choke on this crap)...she cries to daddy about it all and says she'll have to distance herself from everyone (everyone being me, her dad and her grandparents), if everyone is going to be mad at her. She has a 1 year old child who my husband would dearly love to have a relationship with. The child is great ammunition for her and she knows it. She had this child secretly, without telling the child's father that he exists (i suspect she got pregnant deliberately)
So to cut a long story short, after she threw her grenade and then played the victim, she contacted her father the next day to come and visit his grandson. He skipped off immediately. When I asked how the visit had gone he said they hadn't talked about anything and it was like it had never happened.
I'm not happy about this. I feel my husband, by pretending everything is fine between them, has given her permission to continue to create these constant dramas without consequence, hence she will continue doing it.
I understand he's scared that she'll stop him seeing his grandchild if he pulls her up on her bad behaviour. I expect she may well pull this stunt too as the other 3 adult step brats have already done this.
My problem is that I feel betrayed and I also can't continue to live in this constant drama.
I have left the house and am staying elsewhere for a few days to think. I don't want to give him an ultimatum as this will only lead to me being blamed for him not having a relationship with them down the track if he were to choose me. I guess I'm giving him space to decide what he's going to do then I can make my own decision. It sucks but the older we get, the more vulnerable we will be and I can't stand the horrid behaviour of these supposed adults any more.
I really think these kids have mental health issues. They are incapable of relationships with anyone and go through friends like hot potatoes, normally ending in a fight which was never anything they did...victims!
I guess I'm just wondering what my husband is going to do. Any thoughts about this would be greatly appreciated.
You need to address this
You need to address this directly with your SD's. Leave your DH out of it. He loves his daughters and will always feel everyone has placed him in the middle.
My situation was exactly like yours, drama, drama, drama. I booted DH to the curb to SD's for a few weeks. It helped him think about what I was going through. While he was gone, I decided to set some boundaries for myself. I was disengaged from SD56 and SGD31 (mother/daughter) for 6 years, before I took action to put a stop to all of the drama.
My boundaries for myself: #1 Take control of my own problems. #2 Don't put DH in the middle. #3 Address SD56 myself, when it concerns me. So I have done just this. It is the most difficult thing I've ever taken on. I love my DH and want my marriage (37 years).
It has been almost 2 years and things are again calm. SD56 is not allowed to come around me at all; this is my boundary. SD stays away from me, I stay away from her. If she comes around or contacts me, I told her I would put a Restraining Order and she would be charged with trespassing. This includes social media; email and FB. They are blocked from all social media and have been now for 3 years. You realize, this is after 30+ years of passive aggression and disrespect from SD, SGD, and DH. SD is allowed to visit and spend any time she wishes with DH, as long as she stays away from me. If I am home, she is NOT to stop by.
Everyone's situation is different, therefore I won't actually give you advice, just saying how I handled the drama. I don't believe there is anything that my SD56 has not said about me or tried to create drama. My SD will never stop, but I have put my foot down and I am not threatening, I am promising both SD and DH, I WILL move forward with the next step, if I am not left alone, or I hear another word.
Sorry for your bad treatment. ((((hugs))))
I prefer the split family.
I prefer the split family. So much more peaceful and DH and I do our own thing. Wish I would have managed this from day one. Although, it is going well now that I've totally disengaged.
If my mother (grandma to my
If my mother (grandma to my kids) rips on one of my kids, oh well. Don't call me up and tell me GMa hurt your fee-fees. If GMa scolded you, Gma felt she had a reason.
Just like if DH starts with one of the kids and kid then comes whining to me. Nope. Don't wanna hear it. Kid makes his/her own troubles , don't expect me to fix it or smooth it over. Isn't going to happen.
When your SD called to whine about Grandma, your DH should have ignored and hung up or ignored and deleted text or whatever. Dad is not the referee and he's not responsible for his mother's reactions to SD's behavior.
Thanks for the replies. It's
Thanks for the replies. It's helpful to hear how others have dealt with these types of issues. I'm so tired of all these stupid games these kids play. It's hard knowing that my husband would never allow anyone else to treat him, me or his mother the way his adult kids do. Anyone else would be put back in their place very quickly.
Only 2 weeks ago SD30 sat down at our place and agreed to move forward in a civil manner. At the time I knew she wasn't in the slightest bit sincere but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. True to form she has arced up again. I've previously had words with her and her sisters but the there is absolutely no recognition that they've not behaved well. SD35 even insisted who we would and wouldn't speak to in the family and what we could and couldn't say.
Right now though I think my biggest issue is that when my husband ignores their toxic behaviour, I feel let down by him, and this is affecting my view of his care of our marriage.
Then there's the problem of Christmas. His side of the family have a big family gathering which everyone is invited to. 2 of the SD's usually attend and are icy. This year it's being held at our place. I've tried to take the higher ground and invite them all but quite frankly I'm now thinking of not being there myself. I don't care for putting up with their nastiness in my own home
Well, you need to fix it. I
Well, you need to fix it.
I would call a family member and tell them you are unable to do Christmas this year, would they mind stepping in to take it off your hands. Don't consult DH or involve him. If they can do it, have them notify everyone, the Christmas will be at their house. Bow out as quietly as possible. When the New Year is here, make a News Year Resolution.....tell DH you will not be doing Christmas dinner for his family and that it can be delegated to SD's, when it is DH's turn from this year forward. This can be your opportunity to begin total disengagement.
I quit doing Holiday dinners all together. I go to my family for dinners and DH is welcome to come with me or go to SD's, SS's, or SGD's. This Christmas will be when DH spends it with me; what we will do, I'm not sure.
Take one drama event at a time and fix it, where your SD's are concerned. When you learn to not care about getting along with SD's, it gets easier. Sounds like SD35 is very controlling, like my SD56 and SGD31. They tell everyone who to associate with, where to go, where to eat, where to sit...blah...blah...blah. Not me.
I think this is the
I think this is the millennials mantra: "They are incapable of relationships with anyone and go through friends like hot potatoes, normally ending in a fight which was never anything they did...victims!"
I too have thought that is was maybe, "mental health issues." But, when these kids were growing up, they were never to lose at anything, least it hurt their self-esteem. So, they have learned to put themselves above all. They have been taught that you either get what you want from someone, or move on. It is almost like they have never heard the word "No" from anyone. So, when someone does say, No, they freak out and can't adapt and that person was "mean to them."
I just hope they either grow up fast or get a big dose of reality sooner than later. And, I sure hope schools aren't giving out "participation trophies" any more. I don't have much hope, tho., as they recently remodeled a couple of Targets over by us and 1/2 the store is for children now (baby and kids clothing and items have been heavily expanded). It's all about giving the children in the family whatever they want. But, people forget, these kids grow up and STILL think they should be getting whatever they want. So, now you have 25 year old plus baby-men and baby-women running around.
Sorry for the loss of your
Sorry for the loss of your Father Stepaside. I know it must be difficult without him
This is all a bit more than
This is all a bit more than just normal girl drama I feel. These kids don't and can't get along with anyone ever. There has been years of this crap which I can't cover off here without writing a book. They attempt to control everyone around them both outwardly aggressively and passive aggressively. They have all claimed that they've been bullied at work, school, friends etc. they are all victims in their eyes, I have also never heard any of them apologise for anything. They fiercely deny any wrong doing ever and can make up the most absurd excuses for why someone else is wrong.
They all compete for their mothers attention and bitch about each other when one is getting more attention than another.
OMGosh, my SD56 and SGD31
OMGosh, my SD56 and SGD31 have twins out there!
Walk away and you'll find if they are out of sight and out of mind, you won't care any more.
Don't do anything for them, especially Christmas. Don't involve anyone else in your disengagement and don't tell anyone that is what you are attempting to accomplish; just take it slow and disengage from each and every drama.
So I've reached my decision.
So I've reached my decision. Christmas is planned and will go ahead but if they behave rudely I'll show them the door. They've had ample opportunities to play nicely and have proven they're incapable of being mature, decent human beings. I'm done. I no longer wish to have any involvement in any or their lives nor have them involved in mine. Wish me luck! I'm quite cross about it right now but I'm sure as time goes on I'l be glad to be away from all this crap. It feels good to have made this decision. My husband can decide for himself how he manages the horrid behaviour and abuse from them. I can only hope for his own benefit that they don't entirely destroy his self esteem but that's really up to him to decide when and if enough is enough.
Good advice. Put them on the
Good advice. Put them on the spot, in front of all the guests, in a civil manner.
Grandma didn't say a
Grandma didn't say a word.SD30 called her father and told him grandma yelled at her! Lol
Thank you for all your help
Thank you for all your help and suggestions. Unfortunately things escalated very quickly last night and my husband and I have separated as a result. I'm not entirely sure how this page works and I started up another topic about his daughters suggestion that he change his will. She's ramped it all up very successfully. What a prize he gets now! All the tactics to manage on his own without me to be everyone's scapegoat