SD is a leech
Following on from this: https://www.steptalk.org/node/243222
Remember how SD30 crooked her finger and DH went running with his wallet wide open? How despite her own husband being free, she summoned DH to fetch her to the dentist and got him to pay the bill?
[Aside: Both of them are "studying" at the moment. So her husband isn't earning money and it's so clear to me that both of them were in cahoots to get DH to pay the dental bill.]
Well, last night, SD30's mother-in-law calls DH to let him know that the father-in-law fell and broke his hip the day before. There's a family incident and SD30 doesn't inform her father? Obviously because
It's so patently clear that SD30 doesn't give a crap about engaging DH in anything that doesn't involve her own direct benefit. What a leech.
So anyway, DH and I had a heart-to-heart and I said, under no circumstances is he to pay his adult children's bills any longer. No motorcycle lessons. No dental bills. I will not put up with it from now on. He agreed and promised not to anymore. It makes me sad that it took a threat of divorce to wake him up and realise I mean business, but I think it was necessary. I'm so emotionally drained. Sigh.
We have these struggles with
We have these struggles with my DW's family. A lot of beating around bush instead of direct discussion, constant scamming of money, never paying anything back... and never a thank you.
So.... we let em suffer. We don't do crap to help because we know it is equivalent to flushing our time and money down the crapper. We visit, we spend time with them, and we avoid being put in a situation where we can be targeted in their scams.
I hope that your DH finds clarity on this soon.
Good luck.
The clarity is: If he doesn't
The clarity is: If he doesn't stop paying their bills, I walk.
We're only three years into our marriage, and it was heartbreaking for me to threaten divorce because that was something I never wanted to do. But it seems to have worked. He now realises that I mean it when I say I have too much self-respect to stay in a marriage where my husband is being taken advantage of and allows his kids to come between us.
He has now promised not to pay any bills from henceforth. He's allowed to pay for meals and buy little presents - but they need to be approved by me. Okay, I'm being a little controlling and I don't intend to enforce the "approved by me" bit, but the boundaries have been clearly drawn. No more getting Daddy Dearest to pay for everything. NO MORE.
Tiger, I applaud your
Tiger,
I applaud your provision of clarity to your DH. Hopefully as he progresses with keeping his head in this game it will evolve to be less stressful for both of you.
I am fortunate. My wife will not tolerate her own family's crap and has never given them money. She has watched their multigenerational shit show for her entire life and though it is heartbreaking to her she guides, advises, counsels but does not write checks. We will pick up a meal tab or pay for gas and hotels on short weekend trips when we are visiting them. I won't tolerate just sitting around wallowing in toothless redneck drivel so when I am ready to do something I inform everyone that I am going and if they wish they can join me. Rarely do they participate but when they do I don't have issue picking up the tab.
Even in our own life she won't spend excessively unless she calls me. Not my requirement. She just feels better if she hits what she calls "the limit" and calls rather than do it without informing me. I tease her about stepping up and getting what she wants since I have yet to ever tell her no seriously. Our banter usually includes me saying something like "Absolutely not!" then giving her crap for worrying about it. It is a teasing thing. We operate on a high level of trust and don't have many issues over money or much of anything else... with the exception of my avoidance of housework and yard work. I compensate by outsourcing as much of that as I can which doesn't help my cause much but.... outsourcing is what I do.
I of course DON'T offer the same courtesy. }:) Because if I am spending notably it is on a gift for her. I don't want to blow the surprise.
I suppose being married to a CPA has some notable associated benefits. She has to count the beans no matter what she is doing. It is ingrained in her psyche. Our credit score and investments are the side effects of her rampant case of bean-counter-itis. I love it!
Good luck to you and DH on this new state of normal in letting SD sink or swim by her own volition.
Rags: I really like the
Rags: I really like the dynamic you and your wife share. It's rare, so treasure it!
My DH isn't a big spender. He's a very simple guy so I'm used to him buying very modest presents for me or taking me to inexpensive places for meals (unless I choose otherwise). Perhaps that's what made me blow my top when he paid for his daughter's dental bill.
This is a 30yo who has only ever worked for a grand total of three years of her life, despite Daddy Dearest paying for TWO separate college degrees. This is a 30yo who decided to go to Bible College and has her Church pay for it. This is a 30yo who lives with her in-laws and doesn't pay rent.
But oh, she isn't working. Her husband isn't working. (He's also "studying".) And they have a newborn to look after. Therefore she needs financial support.
Er, no. NORMAL people who can't afford to go to the dentist would stagger "studying" instead of both husband and wife being out of work at the same time. NORMAL people would postpone having a baby if they can't afford basic healthcare. Only super entitled people would both be out of work, get others to pay for their "studying", have a baby and expect to freeload off their parents.
Am I going to allow Daddy Dearest to continue paying for bills? HELL NO.
Oh yea. Well I call your
Oh yea. Well I call your idiot SD30 pathetic waste of skin and raise you a 30yo SIL criminal POS who.....
1.maxed out her school loans to buy a house that she and her OOWL baby daddy now DH cant afford
2. had their first spawn OOWL to stick the tax payers with the bill,
3. had a second kid because "it is no more expensive to raise two than one" and begged for charity from the hospital so they would pay for her second spawn
4. then went on to get a dog they couldn't afford to feed
5. then another one a few years later because the first one was lonely that they can't afford to feed either
6. rip of my wife's aunt for $30K+ (Stole and ran up her credit card
7. "bought" a truck from the aunt that they never paid for then sold
8. sold the aunt's other truck at the aunts request then told the aunt they sold it for $5K less than they actually sold it for and kept the money
9. got the aunt to pay off the notes on their two current vehicles on her credit card so that they could afford to feed their kids and dogs and have yet to pay her back
10. "borrowed" $300 from my FIL that he had saved to take my MIL out for her B-day supposedly to pay their utilities so they wouldn't get shut off then bought tickets to a Garth concert instead... and never gave the money back
11. she cries like a baby every tax return season because "the mean government wont give us our money" which is what happens when you default on your $80K in school loans (for a degree she never completed)
12. of course she blames my wife and I for all of this because.... we became her guardians when she was 17, we paid for her college, made her study and go to class, bought a car for her to drive while she lived with us and would have paid for her entire college education if she hadn't dropped out and ran back the shithole she came from to pursue her life's dream
13. she just got the bank to stop the 4th foreclosure cycle on their home by agreeing to a "hail Mary" payback plan that they cant possible actually do so they gutted the pittance her husband had in his 401K for less than half of the hail Mary catch up and the house will foreclose next month anyway.... and for the 7mos the bank would not accept their payments because of default she didn't save a penny.
14. she gets fired about every 18mos for being a know it all who decides that she knows better than her employers. Which is of course the employers fault for being an idiot asshole. Most recently she started new job that actually pays pretty well but... no one within reasonable commute difference will hire her so she pays more in gas than the increased hourly rate income.
Whew, just typing an abbreviated version of her idiocy wears me out.
Rags: WOW. She beats my SD by
Rags: WOW. She beats my SD by a country mile! How does someone like that look themselves in the mirror??? Good grief.
"It is no more expensive to raise two than one"??? And to think here I am struggling to conceive even one. Sometimes, life is just not fair!!!
At least you got somewhere
At least you got somewhere and sometimes we have to take extreme steps...
Just support DH now and treat him with kindness, making sure he's keeping his word and no more supporting adult children, regardless who's they are,,
not even when she suddenly realize Daddy's wallet is shut and starts sharing with him all the little details....
Oh I know what will happen
Oh I know what will happen when she realises Daddy's wallet is shut. She won't contact him and he will probably try harder to engage her. EUGH
and this is where you have to
and this is where you have to carry your husband, not only support him....
tell him, Hon she's ignoring you cause you are not paying anymore, remember we said we are not going to pay anymore.... she's simply doing emotional blackmail, do not fall for this, hang in there, she will come back and pretend nothing is wrong.... you have to be strong and not give in now, it's time my Love it's time....
keep his mind occupied with anything .... but make sure he does not go back to his old ways.....
guess I have to change my saying lol.... I'm in no mood to stab people anymore, I simply took the Jack Russel attitude now..
Acratopotes: I'm definitely
Acratopotes: I'm definitely going to make sure he's occupied with our marriage going forward and not go back to pandering to SD The Leech. Just thinking of her makes me recoil in disgust. Yuck.
Acratopotes: Btw, I'm
Acratopotes: Btw, I'm starting to want to drink rum and stab people too... LOL