StepSon won't move out at 28
Is it wrong for a guy (grown man) of 28 to still be living with his mother and 2 young siblings 10 and 8,
I have been putting up with this for almost three years now,
He did have his own place once a 2 bedroom flat it lasted almost four years,He couldn't look after it properly,The place was a mess it stunk was dirty and he treated it like a party house he had noise complaints and eventually the landlord sold up so he was back with his mummy and two siblings my biological kids,
Three years later not much has changed with him infact nothing at all,This guy sits in his room all day smoking weed and playing video games,He doesn't shower,Only comes out to use the toilet or do his uni work on the laptop(tells my kids to shut up and be quite) yet this guy is wide awake at 3am talking and being loud watching tv and playing video games,
He has a gym set up out the back where he bangs the crap out of a boxing bag and then stinks real putrid after it,Like the whole house absouletely stinks.
He is rude obnoxious never says hello or engages in conversation,Never emptying a bin or doing the dishes or help out with house work, gets angry when his mother asks him for money to help pay a bill or do some shopping replies with stuff like "you still owe me money from the last time"
I have told his mother kick him out or tell him to get a place of his own or move in with a dry or get a girlfriend he's 28 and needs a woman wife in his life not a mummy
I just don't know what to do anymore it's really getting to me and I can't just enjoy family time
I love this guy as a step son but I just can't stand his ways and obnoy behaviour please advice or is anybody else going through this?
What does mom say?
You've brought it up to her, what does she say? I totally agree with what you are saying but it's her opinion that counts.
One of our members, Rags, found a "how" solution called The Burning Platform, limiting amenities (search it). But your problem is "if" which involves mom. You mention uni so I'm assuming he's still in school. Sounds like he might be one of those perpetual students.
This is basically a problem with your spouse. I'd start there with a heartfelt conversation where you are both frank but both listen to what the other is saying. If you can agree with the "if", you can start the Burning Platform.
I agree, he sounds like an immature jerk. Good luck.
He is my Son
Mum says "He is my Son" (her son)as in get used to it or you just have to tolerate it put up with it,Infact once his Mum said to me "I am a mother and an ex maid" he doesn't need to do anything around the house,I said sorry but I want my two children to grow up with a good attitude not a lazy one , Housekeeping is a big thing to me and in my culture , Children need to be taught at a young age to clean up after themselves need to be taught to respect their elders mothers and fathers step father's guests in the home anything like that ,My kids know he smokes weed in his room as they smell the stench coming from there too, I just feel the more they look at SS not doing anything around the house not getting a job not helping his mother or getting angry at her when she asks for $$ they will think this is normal,I hate to argue with my partner over her man Son but it's just really getting to me and taking a toll on my relationship with his mother, Yes he is a perpetual student he is now like 7 years into study and still no job part time job or any aspects of getting a job,He gets a government allowance of like $640 a fortnite and doesn't give any money for rent,But yet he has money for gym equipment laptops take outs video games and weed and a night out on the beers to then come home at like 3am,Heck why would he move out right he has it so easy? Anytime I mention it with his mother I am made out to be the bad guy . Am I a bad guy for venting?
This is a wife problem even
This is a wife problem even more than it is a SS problem.
SHE is allowing it.
SHE is enabling his behavior
SHE hasn't set rules or expectations
SHE is gaslighting you for seeing that this is not normal
I am not saying that there aren't times where an adult child needs help and that as parents we don't try to help them. My sister for example, their lease was terminated and they were under contract for a new home that needed construction. Her and her Husband (BF at the time) stayed with my parents for a few months so they could close and do the work needed on their house for move in.
When I moved back to the East Coast from WA state, my kids and I stayed with my parents for 2-3 months until we found a home to buy.
Things like that are normal. Maybe someone got laid off during the pandemic and needed a little while to gather up funds and a new job to get back out there again. Once again, all normal and acceptable to get family help.
What he is doing isn't normal, he isn't looking to leave or do better, he is just a leach and his mommy loves it.
Exactly
Yes so we talked about it last night she just gave me the silent treatment and replied with stuff like "I am a mother it is my job to look after my son" I said well yes but not when he is of independent adult age,He's been here over 3 years now surely he knows his younger sibling need his room now,Or it's common courtesy that hey maybe I should get my own place now , I explained that when I was 18 I left home to go overseas and that it's common for most people to leave home by mid 20's,I also explained that in her culture and mine it's courtesy to help your parents by contributing to the house be it giving board money and cleaning up keeping up with maintenance,She said he's been to westernised and not brought up with old values ,I said I agree and that if you are still living at home at that age or you are back home for whatever reasons then make sure you are saving for a home and a future so that when the time comes you are ready,Rather than sitting at home playing video games smoking weed and using our back family room as your gym room and stinking the place out then being awake all night keeping the rest of the house up,I just feel like he's using this place as a hostel and I even said that,It's like we're living in a hostel or with a bad roommate
"I am a mother it is my job
"I am a mother it is my job to look after my son"
That is just so effin" lame ...
She said he's been to
Um, I think that means she is talking about Americans- As a mostly American site I feel like I can speak for most of us when I say, we are not OK with adult children living at home unless there is a REALLY good reason- short term assistance, disability, etc.
3 years of her having to take care of her adult "baby" is not ok. Not for her, you or him! He needs to be pushed out of that nest!
I feel like in your shoes I would give 90 days to my spouse and either he moves out or I do.
You're not the bad guy
Your wife really does need to be on the same page as you. You should let her know that you won't be taken advantage of anymore. I have a similar problem with a SS26 and SD20. We made them start paying us each month, and they have chores to do. Nobody can be in the house if they aren't paying something. We're still having issues but I'm looking into the Burning Platform and my husband is supportive of the idea.
Have you made it clear to your wife that you don't want your children to think this adult's behavior is okay? She'll be protecting them by setting boundaries and letting them know that they can't live by feeding off of other people.
Good luck! I hope it gets better. I understand the hell your living in.
Your wife is an enabler and
Your wife is an enabler and she has no interest in pushing her son to be an independent adult, she's made that quite clear. If you have the stomach for it, you can try to make his life miserable on your own and risk your marriage. Put a lock on the refrigerator. Change the password on the WiFi. Separate money and refuse to support him with your funds.
A gentler approach would be to ask your wife to do couples' counseling so you can discuss this with a neutral, third party.
I assume you share the two kids with your wife, so leaving her would still leave your kids in that situation part of the time.
I’ve tried that
I've tried that,I turned the wifi off one night as it was 2am and he's screaming talking real loud playing online gaming ,I turned it off,He wasn't to happy he blamed my Son then told asked his mother who turned the wifi off? Apparently he was in the middle of a game,That's cute I was in the middle of a sleep being woken up,I've put a lawnmower next to his window at 8am but he must of slept right through it lol,I've left deodorant outside his room ,There's just no getting through to him,I've told my partner either he goes or me,I've started going to my other place just to get away from the vibe here
Start a home project
We had similar issue, although my SS's were working at the time. We decided to remodel our home and add on to it. (I told my husband we either had to move to a larger home, or add on to existing one if his adult boys were going to live with us long term. Everyone in the home was expected to help with the tear out and construction clean up as it progressed. Both boys moved out within a month, LOL.
That is a win-win! You get
That is a win-win! You get the addition AND the kids move out!
He doesn’t help at all
We had a house inspection as we rent, The day of the inspection me and his mother cleaned the house top to bottom he just sat there on his laptop watching ufc and yawning and watching us work,I wasn't happy ,I made smart remarks like "It's ok for some" or "Just sit their bro" again no getting through or pulling a finger. I have talked to a councillor about this attitude behaviour she agreed with me that his behaviour is offensive and basically said he's treating the place like a hotel and he will never move out
Get him off the T!T
Hes sucking you and your wife dry, being disrespectful, not contributing and setting a really bad example for your bios. I dont see any redeeming qualities in this SS, and little prospects of him finding a woman of any merit to take that on, unless hes nice to look at (all that gym work! he can find a sugar momma!)
Your wife giving YOU the silent treatment because SHE is being told shes a crap parent. Ok, well no one who is a crap parent wants to be told they are a crap parent, so you will get pushback on any whisper of this.
SO, I will repeat some of the advice given, and add my own flavors.
1. You KNOW this is wrong, you maybe lack the language to express it and you can find that here. For every excuse she has "I am his MOTHER, its my JOB", tell her that her job as a parent is to prepare him for life without her. Her JOB is in fact to help her child become independent, to live a full and happy life and right now he is just getting by, and long-term that wont sustain itself.
2. Your wife is sacrificing everyone else in the house on the altar of this failed progeny of hers. Everyone else must bend themselves and support this guy. At 28 that is PATHETIC. Does she really want her precious prince to be this PATHETIC? Why is she so willing to sacrifice everyone elses happiness for this MAN CHILD?
3. Tough love is the only way this will change. She wants to freeze you out when you give her truth? You need to thicken our skin and be able to deal with that because she knows this will get you to waver, and you will eventually cave. Its manipulation on the level of a teenager. My SD15 backstabber does this. After you tell her what needs to change, if shes not on board you will need to do it yourself.
- Talk to this ManCHILD. Tell him that he can pay X amount monthly or he has 30 days to vacate the premises. If your wife rebels, tell her that you will no longer be paying for everything you are paying for. I dont know what your finances are like, but Im assuming you work and are paying for things. Separate finances will help strengthen your position. Only pay for yourself and your bios. Let her be responsible for ManCHILD and herself.
There are many things you can do to get things moving along - changing locks, putting stuff into storage...it all depends on how things work out with the mother and how the finances are working.
I do that
I never pay for him anything I do is for my own two,My friend gave my son a $100 for his Birthday my son being 10 and happy was like wow,SS replied $100 is like spare change I thought to myself yeah spare change when you don't have to work for it or put it towards a bill or some grocery shopping,I got in trouble the other night for eating some food which was for him,In the end he didn't even end up eating it as he went out for the night nor did he eat it when he came home or the next afternoon when he decided to wake up,I tell his mother sure he cooks his own food most of the time anyway when he is here plus he's 28 he's an independent adult does he really need his mum still cooking for him? I've told my partner he needs to pay at least $300 400 a month to stop her falling into debts,He does give money when asked as a last resort but he really should be paying the $400 a month ,But as his mum says "he's my son it's my Job" helllo this guy is 28 not 8 or late teens at 18
I have raised 2 self
I have raised 2 self-sufficient children, my youngest is 24 and moved to Miami at 22 with another girl when she graduated college. She found a job in two weeks that paid her bills. It was stressful for both of us but she wanted to live in that city and I am so proud of her. Your wife is putting her son ahead of her relationship with you. When my SS did this DH gave him a deadline to go back to college or find a job and get an apartment. He told him he wasn't being fair to me, and he had to be able to take care of himself if something happened to us. Your wife needs counseling if she won't listen to you, you are completely right in your feelings.