stepson at home
I went through counseling for quite some time now to try to adjust to my husbands almost 21 year old son living with us. My husband and I have only been married for 4 years, but we have NEVER been alone. Am I wrong to feel that it is about time that the stepson tries to get a place of his own and is there any way to help this happen? I just feel that I have no privacy while my husband is working AND when he is home and I get the feeling that the stepson will never move out. I know it's a bad thing to say that I don't want him there, but it is the honest truth. I guess it is not good to have my own kids raised and be on my own for awhile and then get into a relationship where kids are either around all the time again or in and out all day. I was doing good with this, but it is really getting to me again lately. It doesn't help that my husbands kids are very spoiled and he won't tell them no. The son will be 21 and the daughter (who lives with her mother) is 18. My husband said ever since they turned 18 that they are adults now and can do whatever they want and I guess that includes one living with us for as long as he wants. I wish my husband would just suggest to his son about maybe starting to look for his own place, but I know that will NEVER happen. I don't know how many times he has walked in on us making love. It is just ridiculous! It's like he has radar or something. It's not just that though, he just bugs me by being around. Help, how can I cope?
I don't see that you are ever
I don't see that you are ever going to get to a point where you are OK with the SS living with you. He sounds creepy with his sex radar, and unless you were making love in one of the public areas of the house - he probably listens outside the door and then opens it if he thinks you're at it.
Personally, I would give your DH an ultimatum - it's him or me. I would not care to live this way indefinitely - and for my own part have told my DH that if he ever moves one of his teenage daughters in with us - I will be moving out. I can't bear them - I brought up two daughters of my own who are living useful lives now, and the contrast with his lazy, entitled brats just grates on me with everything they say and do.
I keep hearing the voice from
I keep hearing the voice from Amityville Horror saying "GET OUT!!!" after reading this.
Its time to go and unfortunately, you are going to be the one that has to say something. What a freak for walking in on you guys.
I can't stand the thought of an adult Skid living with us in the future. This is why I am already prepared with a response when SO ever tries to broach this subject with me.
nice one Augusta.
nice one Augusta.
"What the hell with these
"What the hell with these fathers who let their adult kids stay and mooch off them???"
Sadly it happens more than you'd think. I was under the same impression. Now both my DH's adult children live with us, SD20 and SS18. Both only work part time and are not going to school...and get a free ride. Free rent, free food, free everything
Is the SD working and making
Is the SD working and making money? If so, there is no reason for him to be living with his Dad. If not, he needs to get out and get work.
I would tell DH that he has the responsibility of moving this young man out, as soon as possible. If needed, give the SD a timeline and plan and make sure he works towards those goals. Eg. In 30 days you will have found a job. In 60 days you will have enough for a down-payment on an apartment. In 90 days YOU WILL BE OUT. And stick to it.
I believe many of today's parents need reminders that Mother Nature is smarter than all of us and she bears listening to. You don't ever see a full-sized robin still living in the nest, gobbling up worms brought in by mom and dad. You don't ever see an adult horse still hanging on its mother's teat. In each and every case the instinct to kick the "kids" onward and upward when they are ready overrides everything else.
It's called survival and it's the natural order of things - both for the parents and the offspring. Of course, it appears that many humans have opted to ignore this eternal wisdom of all life, and somehow their kids are "exceptions." Blech.
Love the thought of the adult
Love the thought of the adult horse. Gotta use this when the time arises.
BTW, I also wanted to ask why
BTW, I also wanted to ask why it was that YOU were going to counseling? Has your DH assumed this is YOUR problem because you don't want SD there? If so, he is sorely mistaken. Is he willing to get counseling because he doesn't know how to set limits with his ADULT children? If he isn't willing to agree to that right now I would no longer waste my time or money with a counselor, were I you.
And sorry - I meant in all
And sorry - I meant in all cases to use "SS" - guess I have SD on my mind!
Thanks for the feedback. You
Thanks for the feedback. You have not heard the worst of it yet. Get this: I asked my husband to try to smoke only outside, because I am just in remission from Inflammatory Breast Cancer and I don't want to breathe in the second hand smoke. It is bad for anyone, but now that I have gone through agressive cancer treatment, it's especially risky for me. My husband said he would try to smoke outside and would talk to his son about it because he smokes too. SO, what's he do? He comes back and tells me that he told his son that he was going to try to take it outside, but it was entirely up to the son if he wanted to or not. DH told son that he would NOT tell him that he could NOT smoke in the house. That tells me that my dh would rather chance me getting cancer back and going through h_ll than to tell his son "No smoking in the house". I am very hurt and ticked off by this. Makes me feel like my dh does not really care or love me enough to do the sensible thing.
The ss has not exactly walked into the bedroom, but has entered the house when we had the bedroom door open because we thought he was gone for the day. I have told my husband that we can't do stuff like this because we never know when his son will pop in. Get this though: I had my granddaughter spend the weekend recently(and she only stays once or twice a year) and my dh made a comment about this very situation(sex)because of her being there. How does he think I feel with his son there EVERY single day of the year?? I was going to counseling because I was having such a problem with the the way my dh favors his kids over me and therefore I could not get along with them.(along with worrying about the cancer coming back)I didn't want to take it out on the kids or have a bad relationship with them, but my dh actions caused it to be that way. No, my dh will NOT go to counseling. Yes, ss does work, but blows his money on weed, eating out all the time, gas, cellphones every other month, and who knows what all else. He will never save and does not pay 1 cent toward household expenses. My dh has already told me that either I get along or I get out. I guess maybe I should have realized then that something was wrong with this picture.
Use the counseling to build
Use the counseling to build assertiveness for yourself. You need to put your foot down more. That means bringing out the "bitch" personality sometimes. Work on that. You put up with entirely too much.
"My dh has already told me
"My dh has already told me that either I get along or I get out. I guess maybe I should have realized then that something was wrong with this picture."
Take him at his word - people DO show you who they are. He has made it clear he does not care for you in the most basic, human way.
Kmart, this guy is no blue-light special. Get out. Now. Life is short. Do not waste another one of your precious breaths on this situation.
That quote says it all. If SO
That quote says it all. If SO EVER EVER said that to me. He wouldn't even be able to finish that sentence before I had my clothes in a bag and I was gone. Except this is my house and he'd be out.
I'm so sorry to hear how
I'm so sorry to hear how these guys are treating you. They do not care about you, please please be with people who do.