Have any of you delayed marriage due to step kids?
Hi - I am feeling sad as I thought my fiancée was on the right track with my fiancée son. He gave him milestones to meet to get him on his feet. He missed the first one and the subject was dropped. My fiancée has a lot of guilt over his ex not bring there and blah blah blah. I have decided that we should not get married until he can get his stepson on his feet. Has anyone delayed moving in or marriage for this to happen? We don't live together now and I don't want to have his father and I working while he stays home and does nothing . I am relatively happy this way my only unhappiness comes from him not pushing his son to do something/anything.
From what I have read on the boards the anger ONLY escalates when you're in the same house I have no ability to do anything about it. Anyway I guess I'm wondering if anybody has decided to delay moving in/marriage for this reason and how it's working out?
Thanks!
^^^^^THIS^^^^^
^^^^^THIS^^^^^
In your situation, I would
In your situation, I would definitely keep things as is until his son launches. And even then, you need to have an agreement that he cannot move back in.
How old is his son?
Guilt will not do anybody any good, least of all the son, as it's keeping him from growing up and living his own life.
What do you mean by
What do you mean by milestones to meet?
I'm currently engaged to a man with a 10 year old son, who lives with his mom and only occasionally visits. There is so much drama and issues, legal, emotional, and MENTAL I am procrastinating in limbo wondering how much I can handle, especially if my fiance wants me to be like another mother to his son and increase his son's presence because he imagines I will be doing the dirty (mom) work. I'm starting to think some women aren't cut out to be a step mom, and that I'm in my gut so weary of getting caught in a flood .
The milestone I'm holding off for on marriage is that he will recognize my feelings and respect that I don't want to be responsible for his son, only supportive of their relationship.
Milestones like signing up
Milestones like signing up for college or a trade school. Not unreasonable but nothing.
The problem is theres nobody
The problem is theres nobody who will be willing to light the fuse, for the SS to launch!!!
And that will be your battle!!
Chances are SS is at his best behavior now. ( believe it or not)!
But once you say " I Do" you'll be reminded of the first time you saw the exorcist.
Not in all cases but most.
Your husband may to be on his best behavior?
I would study the habits of the BM the most out of the three?
Observe their behaviours..
And you may find that there is somebody in that family dynamic with a lighter to light that fuse!!
His ex wife is not in the
His ex wife is not in the picture really. She pretty much deserted them all when the kids were young.
Never a truer observation:
Never a truer observation: "When the skid is worthless the threat of them being homeless never goes away."
Notasm.. i agree.. you
Notasm.. i agree.. you obviously knew way ahead of time what you were up against!
I admire your strength! !!!
100% absolutely right!!
Your fiancé has already
Your fiancé has already failed the final step in parenting. Getting the kid out of the nest. You clearly need to wait until the kid is so far gone he's clearly not coming back. Follow the advise given above and maintain your finances separately. If you do end up purchasing a house make sure you have the title naming both of you as 50/50 owners and a written agreement that if either of you wish to sell the other must either buy out or agree to sell and accept a offer within 6 months. Attorney will be needed.
Personally I'd prefer that you keep your house, move in with him, and keep your finances separate. Pay for all the groceries and maybe gas and/or electric as your part of household expenses. Whatever seems fair. This puts him on notice that you can return to your house on a few months notice to the renters. Even if the renters are on a year lease you can break their lease so it keeps him edgy about you having options.
You've got good advise here.
You've got good advise here. Personally I'd see you keep your home and rent it out. Offer to pay for all the groceries, gas and/or electric. Whatever seems fair as "rent" or "my share".
Keep your home and rent it out. This puts him on notice that on a few months notice you can move back. Even a lease can be broken.
But first he needs to get the kid out of the home and clearly on his way. Job, living arrangements etc. Make it clear that you're not moving or, or staying, if the kid is living there. The kid moves back you move out.
I have made it clear.
I have made it clear. Thanks for all the advice. It just makes me sad as I am 42 and this will eventually be my first marriage. I have built my career and am financially stable. I have also spent take my time to look for the right guy. He is so reasonable in every other way but this subject makes him irate and is off limits. I told him I will never bring it up again and when he is ready we can talk about it. In the meantime I live in my house and he is his. We have been happy except for this. My friend told me being right doesn't fix the situation sometimes it makes it harder. I think she nailed it. I am just afraid we will drift apart but I would rather wait five years to marry him and be happy than marry him tomorrow and be miserable. My fiancée is a stubborn guy and hates to feel controlled. I am hoping if I leave him to this he will stop fighting me and defending the indefensible and start helping the launch.
Once again thank you for the encouragement. I am as angry as I am sad. I see a lot of anger on these boards and am hoping that by putting this off till it is a better situation I will not be living in someplace where I don't want to leave my room or need Valium to make it through the day.
YOur man "hates to be
YOur man "hates to be controlled". But isn't that ironic that what you are trying to do is not control him but stay independent of their shit. Yet what the son is doing, is controlling his dad's environment and ultimately his dad's heart. Of course if you pointed this out, you would be "controlling"... oh the power of self-delusion.![Wink](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/wink.gif)
Wow, it's amazing how much of
Wow, it's amazing how much of this is out there. I wonder if it is gen y or whatever gen they are. It is crazy these kids don't want yo have a life of their own and parents don't encourage them to.
Smart girl Calliou -
Smart girl Calliou - sometimes I wish they would say something about me than I would not sound like an intolerable bitch. Wait I need to be careful what I wish for!
I would say definitely go for
I would say definitely go for a later milestone than signing up for college/trade school. My 22YO SS seemed fair set for his final qualification at college but that was a year ago now. He flunked it as could not cope with the pressure (for which read entry into the world of adult responsibility). Swiftly followed by a sudden need to crash land with us for the summer(mom being in another country). He retook the year -- and crashed again just now. Owes thousands in debt, head in the sand about that too. My DH wants of course to take him under his wing, won't even let him stay with relatives, as he feels that only he can really provide the love and nurture needed. :sick: As you so rightly say, the hardship to the step-parent comes from having shared accommodation from which they cannot easily move. In my case I've managed to persuade $addy (thanks for that one, OCC) to move out of our home temporarily in order to stay with SS at a friend's empty apartment for a couple weeks whilst $addy cajoles him to find paid work so he can earn his keep for the rest of the academic year and then sort out his housing -- but it doesn't end there. He's been allowed to retake yet a third final year of study, turning this whole scenario into Groundhog Day. So, in 2015, we'll have the same drama to contend with only this time even more debt. My FIL and I are laying bets on the third flunk.
I'd say the milestone that really matters has to be the start of a proper working life after he has his qualifications. That's when you'll see what his intentions truly are. Even where jobs are hard to find, it's very very clear to see which young people are determined to get them and which aren't.
i am seriously considering
i am seriously considering delaying marriage until SD13 turns 18 (2018).
for me its 2 things. financial (i just dont want to comingle too many things until his CS obligations are complete) and then i also want to see how he responds to SD in terms of drugs, teen pregnancy, and flunking out of school - 3 things i am 95% certain will happen to her (and he is pretty sure she will fall prey to the pregnancy and flunking out).
if she turns into a disaster and he gets too involved with it, i want to be able to cut ties easily.
Where were you guys hiding
Where were you guys hiding when I took the plunge into step parenthood?
Yes, it gets worse, and like I have recently realized once they are 18, they don't just go away. In my case it multiplied and uses the kid for attention, money, whatever she can!
Definitely don't get married
Definitely don't get married until u r absolutely sure the fiancées son is up on his own two feet without daddy helping him with everything. Even when the adult child is out of the house I would still give it time--- just to be sure that HIS problem does not become YOUR problem as well.
I have delayed and am still
I have delayed and am still delaying. His son finally moved out of the house last month. He transferred to a college 2500 miles away. Keep in mind, his father said that going to community college 10 hours per week was enough reason for the son to not do a thing. He moved on his own accord, for a girl that he met online. Anyway, Dad is still paying his phone bill, car insurance and most likely food, gas, etc. I won't even consider marrying him until his son has had a stable job and is self-sufficient for at least a year.
You bring up a very good
You bring up a very good point and Thank you for doing so. I've been thinking a lot that maybe mine does it because he is too afraid of having a relationship with a woman. He is not very experienced with women. The only other 2 women that he's been involved with had treated him like dirt. I think he uses his son as a crutch. He tells me everyday that he wants to get married and is in it for the long haul but words are only words. I think he's afraid of commitment and feels like his relationship with his son is the only one that truly matters, even though his son treats him like crap.
In his mind, his son will never really abandon him whereas a female can come and go.
I think with another man I
I think with another man I would have considered this but not with this guy. He is still talking about getting married in Dec and my ring costs more than a new car. Also, I was not overly interested in hurrying marriage. I wanted to be engaged but told him I would be happy with a five year engagement. I was quite surprised when he had a date already picked out when he asked me.
When I moved in with my bf
When I moved in with my bf and his dtr I was engaged and we had talked about setting a date. That quickly changed within a few months when I saw my bf and his dtrs bizarre relationship with her screaming at him and treating him like a pile of crap and him allowing it to go on. Yes, the dtr completely changed our relationship. This past Christmas after having her in the house for 5 days straight and listening to her call my son a brat repeatedly-- then attempting to explain to her calmly why a 20 year old should not be picking on a 12 year old----with boyfriend never stepping in to talk to his dtr himself, then telling ME that I shouldn't have "started it with her".... I took the ring off and whenever he mentions marriage, I change the subject. I care about him, but I have seriously lost respect for him. HE has allowed his dtr to ruin our fantastic relationship. I think about our fairy tale beginnings and how I adored him, and then I think of how much damage he has allowed his dtr to do. :(.
SO and I have been together 2
SO and I have been together 2 and a half years, lived together one and a half. Well I haven't been proposed to, so I have mixed feelings about this. If SO proposed Id probably say no, so I try not to get worked up over a lack of proposal that Id most likely turn down. The lack of proposal could have something to do with the fact I never mince words and told SO I will move out if SS17 stays here after graduation. Told him I dont see myself living with someone else's adult child. SO didn't like that. He wanted SS to stay and go to community college.
I definitely don't want to get married until SS17 is out of the house. But other times I feel like, why should I put my life on hold for that lazy-ass emotionally delayed man-baby?
Both my sisters have recently married. I'm the only one left with just a domestic partner, no husband.
And yes I do fantasize about a wedding and the dress sometimes.
Then I start to think if we're not ready for marriage now, maybe we were not meant to be together.
And then I move on and take things day by day. I don't feel like uprooting myself right now.
Interesting topic....
This is a response to the
This is a response to the comment below: That's an interesting concept that I've never heard before but I suspect it happens a lot.
I responded to the same
I responded to the same thought earlier - and I agree with you on this with many men but not this one. I am not blind - although I wish I was - but there are some solid facts that say he wants to get married. Including he had the date set when he proposed, he paid a fortune for the ring and even though I told him we should delay marriage until he works on his son he is still talking about the original wedding date.
I WISH!
I WISH!
Well, you ladies will giggle
Well, you ladies will giggle when u read this, but my bf was suppose to go with me to work on my home in another state BUT, as usual, at the last minute he can't because if his bill issues. (Again, I'm put LAST). I really needed him to help me do maintanence work/fix some things. So, since boyfriend "has his own problems", I contacted one of my neighbors who lives next door and is divorced. This guy has been my emergency maintanence guy since I am living 10 hours from my house that I rent out. I made it clear tonight to boyfriend that my neighbor has said he will DO EVERYTHING for me when I get back there. I also informed boyfriend that I am not renting it out again... am going to leave it empty with no renters as my neighbor has generously offered to maintain the lawn, etc... for me. :). Boyfriend got real quiet when I said that. ( let him chew on that for a while. I'm not a bad looking middle aged woman and I've got a good heart, I'm a great cook, etc... and have a good job). I'm not wanting to get married to the bf, I just am done with being " the last in line". If I was ever to leave, he'll never meet another one like me.... especially with that crazy dtr of his.
We did not delay the marriage
We did not delay the marriage due to SD. She was just fine until teh night before we got married. Had I known what I was in for I would have waited until I had support and the marriage was DH's prime focus.
SD seemed just fine with me
SD seemed just fine with me until the night before the wedding when, out of the blue, she pulled a 'snit'. During the wedding she acted as if she were at a funeral. From then on it was out and out war. If I asked her to pick up blankets she threw on the floor or do anything she didn't want to do she would go to DH and tell him I made her feel uncomfortable. It was the usual - treating me like I was invisible, nasty comments and actions when Daddy wasn't present, slamming doors in my face, blow fish, eye rolling, etc. She never paid for anything, totally entitled. I could go on and on about the crap that went on. DH would not support me, treating SD like a princess. I always felt like I was WAY down on his list of priorities.
This went on for over 20 years until three years ago when SD had a melt-down in front of Daddy who ran out the door, pushing me away. SD had been particularly mean, making cutting comments plus constant mumbled sideline conversations with her husband that had gone on for most of our marriage. I came home from a meeting to find her and her husband making Christmas cookies for friends and relatives in my kitchen without asking me. I was completely ignored as usual. In the end I rated one cookie. She and her husband again had a sideline conversation and something just snapped inside of me. At that point I had enough. I did not care if the marriage ended or not. I asked them to please speak up. She began 'posturing' and demanded, "Why!!!" I replied, "Because you are being rude." She and her husband screamed at me, she pushed her finger in my face and started telling me what she "would not allow" me to do. I banned her from the home I owned and told DH he could leave. He didn't. So SD did not acknowledge his existence until last week when he received a birthday card.
As far as the marriage, I contemplated divorce for quite a while. I felt betrayed by not only DH but mainly by myself because I had waited 20 years to set boundaries for both SD and DH - something I should have done in the beginning of the marriage. The best thing I did was to go to counseling by myself. This gave me the tools to convince myself that I am worthy of mutual respect and love. Once you value yourself, it seems others follow - including DH. It took quite a while but for the most part, the marriage is great now.
Most times I think there may be hope for rebuilding a SKID/SM relationship but I have no desire to reconnect with SD. I don't care if DH does. He can do what he wants just as long as I don't have to be part of it. I honestly think that if I had set boundaries early on it would have eliminated a lot of heartache. If the marriage is not the top priority it's not worth it. If the marriage survived, and I had expected mutual respect in the first place, the relationship between SD and I might have not gotten so volatile.
Hi Sandye!! I have been
Hi Sandye!! I have been asked by my friends, " why did you get into a relationship with someone whose dtr hated you?" My reply is always, " I swear to god the girl NEVER showed any signs of it until 3 months after I moved in. She even lived with me in MY home for 3 months right before I moved here and there was never a problem. ". Unfortunately, it is nice to see I am not the only one who has had the same experience. When she and her bf come and visit, I'm ignored 100 %. I get this very uneasy feeling that I am absolutely despised-- especially when she stares at me. :/. She doesn't ask how anyone is, it's all about "me,me,me". And what's really upsetting, is her giggling hysterically about all the pets she has had, that have been hit by cars-- that and her boyfriend-- who must have a screw loose too. ( she knows I love animals so I guess this is her way of trying to get to me. Personally, it is unsettling to me because, unless you r mentally ill, there is nothing funny about running over an animal/pet.
You know what they say about
You know what they say about people who hurt animals. I agree, not only does the boyfriend have a screw loose , SD does too. What does your DH say and do about it?
Wow that would upset me to no
Wow that would upset me to no end. I would refuse to have anything more to do with that horrible person. Seriously, when they come to visit, can you just get in your car and go somewhere?
I admire the fact that you
I admire the fact that you admit you should have done something (set boundaries) a long time ago, got some help, and did it. I am going to counseling for ME. My GF went twice, said nothing, and then blew up in the car ride home, so forget that.
I feel inspired that these types of issues can be dealt with. I'm holding off popping "the question" until things smooth out a bit. I live with both GF and her daughter (21), so I'm waiting to take it to the next level.
Good for you. Your GF has to
Good for you. Your GF has to see that your relationship is her top priority BEFORE the marriage.
Yes I find the rushedness odd
Yes I find the rushedness odd too. "Control"? }:)
I understand but I'm not sure
I understand but I'm not sure I would call it rushed. He had picked the wedding date on a date that was special to both of us for about 17 months from the time he proposed. I wish this wasn't so hard. I guess this is what I get for waiting till I was 40s to get married. Although I certainly had a lot of fun before I met my fiancé too! I also think there would be no chance I would meet a man I would be as happy with but I suspect if I was living in the situation - I would not feel that way. I think I would be dreaming about any other situation possible.
Totally agreed. I moved in
Totally agreed. I moved in with my GF and her daughter (21)...probably too soon. I'm not sure suggesting that I move back out on my own but we continue to date would go over well, but I'm definitely not moving forward. It was a very hard conversation...there were lots of tears about it...we were talking marriage until about 6 months into living together when her daughter lost her job and seems un-interested in getting another one. It was hard to tell someone I love so much that I just can't move forward. She said she was disappointed that I put our future in the balance of what her daughter does or does not do. But I don't see it that way...there are some "tough love" techniques that my GF doesn't do that I wish she would, so for me, it's more about what GF does or doesn't do as opposed to the daughter.
You are in a good situation still being on your own. I do like being able to save some $ by living together and sharing household responsibilities (let me clarify too...that's GF and I...daughter does NOTHING) but it is a little more stressful at home. I guess I got a little spoiled living on my own and I find it odd that a 21 year old has no friends, no job, no school, and essentially no life. My GF doesn't see it as "abnormal", but is it normal for a 21 year old to hang out with mom and dad 6 nights a week???
I think bottom line, as long as you are honest with your partner that this is what's holding you back, it's all good. It wasn't an easy conversation for me. In fact, my GF stated that if we are "never" going to get married she might have to "rethink" our relationship. I normally get worried about her leaving me, but I finally took a little bit of an "F it" attitude and called her bluff. I won't be coerced into marriage. I have worked too hard to get where I am and got a little screwed in my first divorce to jump too quickly.
I applaud your reluctance and wish I had waited to move as well.
Your GF SHOULD 'rethink' your
Your GF SHOULD 'rethink' your relationship and the emotional contribution she will be making as a wife. You are very wise to wait until all issues are worked out. There are enough adjustments when entering marriage without the added stress of an enabled adult who will not grow up. You are wise not to be taken in with your GF's attempt at emotional blackmail. Her daughter is hanging on because she is fearful of failure. That's life.