I expect to hear a collective don't do it

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I am engaged to a wonderful man with a failure to launch 22-year-old son. I told him I am not willing to have his son move in to a new house we will be buying and do nothing. Frankly I was hoping he would have his own apt. I'm not sure that is realistic because I do not think he has been given the tools to go out on his own. From what I'm reading here even if he does go on his own it's likely he will return.

Now the question do I just keep waiting for him to move out before I get married or would it be enough to house him in an Inlaw suite off the house. I love my fiancé but I also know I will go crazy if his son sits around doing nothing, racking up expenses, eating everything without contributing and everything else everyone on here experiences. The fact is I'm trying to decide if I should wait a couple years for him to go out on his own and maybe still come back or if I should push to get a house with a separate living quarters knowing this is just in evitable that he will stay or he will leave and come home. He is not a bad kid he's not rude to me, doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink alcohol, he's just lazy and his dad isn't pushing him to do anything.

I know my fiancé will do anything for his kids even to the point of being an enabler. If we bought a house small enough not to take anybody and he would still find a way to take them in. If we buy a house big enough that his son is comfortable will he ever leave?

I just hate the idea of putting off getting married for two years only to have his son move out and then come back a year later. With both own our own homes now but could save about 30,000 by combining into one. My sanities worth 30,000 a year I know that but I love my fiancée and I want to start our lives together. One more thing I'm 42, financially stable, and our relationship works now and because of my age I'm not planning to have children I' can wait. And I think this is the one place where there is enough experience to know that you can't tell your spouse they cannot have the children come back but you can tell them but you're really making a choice between your marriage and allowing their children.

I need my own space. 22 yr

I need my own space. 22 yr old needs a job and a roommate. You have to start some where. Sleeping all day and video games will not get him a job or a place to live. If your fiance doesn't twist his arm through strong encouragement, he will be 25, 27 and 31 at home.

I agree but it is unrealistic

I agree but it is unrealistic to think that this child who had been pampered will be able to live on his own. He has never had a job and has never paid a bill. I'm not saying that my fiancé shouldn't of made him get a job that pay bills before now. I am just living in the reality of the situation. The average rent is our county and surrounding counties is 1,100 for an efficiency and 1,770 for a two bedroom. I don't see how a person making minimum wage can pay that. I'm willing and able for us to supplement but this is a kid who's never even bought a loaf of bread or paid a light bill. I know without having some help or having somebody to teach him he's going to fail. I didn't get these kid as a teenager I got them as adults and I can't go back to teach them what they should've been taught as a teenager. He was raised by single dad with no BM. It is quite a different world from mine where I was raised by both my parents, was taught to budget in eighth grade expected to go to college and graduate school. I had a transition into the real world I think his son is owed that.

I have a sister who was 30

I have a sister who was 30 and mooching off my parents for EVERYTHING. They paid her rent, car note, car insurance, cell phone bill, light bill and she had her own credit card. Finally, they had a gut full and pulled the rug out from under her. Oddly, once forced, she got a job. Started paying those bills.

Did your sister have any

Did your sister have any skills or education? if not how did she get the skills and education to get a job and pay the rent? If there was a really answer I would love it.

I just don't see how I can put somebody out with no skills no education and think they can pay rent. I can wait till he has skills and that may be the answer. It is not as easy to stick to this decision as everyone thinks. I guess is if I had been going through what most of the people on this board go through it would be a no-brainer for me.

She had her associate degree.

She had her associate degree. She was all lazy. And since someone else footed the bill, she wasn't at all worried about bills, job, future. I do understand what you are saying, but I feel it will enable him to continue his free ride. If not putting him 'out', FDH would have to have a set goal with expectation from him.

I really do appreciate your

I really do appreciate your input just not sure FDH will stick to enforcing a plan so I guess the answer is to see him enforcing milestones before making a decision.

NotYetSM - I completely

NotYetSM - I completely understand the situation you are in. I am in the exact same situation with my SS(23). Currently, I am trying to talk my SS into joining JobCorp. They give the kids a place to live, job training and life skills training. It sounds like a wonderful program!

http://www.jobcorps.gov/Home.aspx

Check it out...It may just be the answer you are looking for!

Hugs!

Thanks, that sounds like a

Thanks, that sounds like a great idea. I suggested military but not sure they would take him and his dad would worry. I will check it out - I also saw a book about dealing with disappointment in your children that was rated pretty high I thought about sharing that with him.

When hubby and I first got

When hubby and I first got married his son had "moved out" of the house 6 mos prior yet his room was there available for him. Back story is that DH had allowed ss28 live there and do nothing for over 6 years after getting kicked out of the service! About 3 mos into our marriage he quits his job, is homeless, has no car and boom he's back in his room. This went on for 2 weeks. SS28 (now 30) was supposed to be earning his keep by working on stuff in the garage for his dad. All he did was get stoned,play video games, sleep where ever he happened to plop, make rude comments then ask what's to eat . I put my foot down, told hubby I married him, not ss28 then ss28 moved along to his mom's home. DH then asked ss28 to box up the stuff in his room. Months went by and that never happened, dh is always busy often works 2 jobs so he asked me to do it. Wanting to help DH I did. You'd think I'd taken away ss28's birthday or something. Needless to say everything was now my fault, phantom things of his were missing and I stole his father from him (he actually told people this). Now ss is 30, again dropped out of life quit another job, still no car, living on other relatives couches. Tried to weasel his way back in here by serial couch surfing but I had to be the evil one AGAIN and put my foot down. He drops by sometimes if he wants to use his dad's vehicle, borrow money or eat whatever is in sight.

If you allow the 22 yr old to live in a side house you've taken away his motivation to work or support himself. He will never leave, I've seen people go through this before. It's unhealthy for all involved to support any able bodied adult child, step or bio.

You say he doesn't have skills; can the boy wash a dish? Can he push a button? Can he make a phone call? If so then there are several jobs he can do.

Yes rent is high in many areas but that is why most of us live with roommates starting out. I lived in an apt with 5 other girls in college. I worked menial jobs just so I could eat. My parents didn't give me a cent or any support through those years. I had no "skills."

You cannot fix this kid. All you can do is draw a line in the sand (with a smile) and let daddy parent his overgrown man child. If it comes down to it then don't get married until daddy gets it together unless you want to be catering to the 22 year old.

I had no idea what an enabler my DH was. I thought "Oh, all the kids are grown and out of the house this will be easy." I was soooo wrong.

ps. Don't do it!

I told him I am not willing

I told him I am not willing to have his son move in to a new house we will be buying and do nothing.

You should have left off the "and do nothing". I would not move in together until he gets his son launched. And then have an agreement in place that he can't move back in. People like him will not try that hard knowing that they have a safety net.

Inlaw suite? Seriously? He would never leave.

It kind of sounds like you are just as willing to enable him if it comes down to it.

I don't want to enable him

I don't want to enable him but it took a long time to find a man I love like his father. This is my first marriage and I would like to start our lives together. I told him his first responsibility may still be to his kids but mine will be to me and our relationship so I am trying to find a way that will work for me.

This forum is depressing but I know that is because I can see myself in so many of the comments. I am not sure what I will do but I agree an in-law suite does enable him. As I said I afraid he will leave and I will stuck is a worse situation when he comes home unless he is given the tools to make it on his own. I just know his dad and won't ask him to pick between his son and me. Frankly we could live separately for a while. As we are both financially secure the only hardship is we spend less time together - oh and we don't buy new he house I want. Ironically my job may send me overseas for 6 weeks and FDH is willing to go with me. So I guess the boy (I know he should be a man) can be self sufficient then - it may give him a good way to practice.

Oh yeah and everyone asks when is the wedding? One person asked if I got such a big ring to appease me so I would not push him to get married. People are crazy but it is not my place to share the info about his son others. My parents know, and although they love FDH, they would kill me if I said "I do" before his son was out.

I just think that if you give

I just think that if you give in to this and marry and move in together before the son is out, it is going to be that much harder to get him out. Once you've accepted it, well, they both see that you've accepted it.

I agree I said no way in Jan.

I agree I said no way in Jan. I guess I am feeling weak because I am still looking for the fairytale ending.

Just tell your fiance that

Just tell your fiance that you are not going to purchase a home with him until and unless the kid gets his own place. He is WELL past old enough.

Just to let you know how bad it can be...I have a BIL who just turned 36 and has only lived on his own for maybe TWO years of his life. Otherwise, it has been MIL's basement or Dear Daddy's apartment. He is a drunk who has had at least 2 assault charges and a DUI in the past year.

Another friend of mine had a brother who lived with their mother his ENTIRE life. His work consisted of playing Santa Claus. Seriously, he only worked like a month out of every year. Lived off his mother and her social security checks her entire life.

My son, on the other hand, has been taking care of his own housing etc since he was 18. I did help him out while he was in college. They find a way if they don't have a choice.

DON'T DO IT!

I appreciate all the

I appreciate all the responses but find it funny when people say "just tell", "you should have" or "demand". My guess is no one is taking their own advice or they would not be on here. It might also be that hindsight is 20/20 and it is a lot easier to see someone else's situation clearly. I do especially appreciate the suggest for jobcorp I am all over that!!

My husband knows beyond a

My husband knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that his daughter is not welcome to live with us. It would not bode well for my sanity.

That is how I found this site, I felt a tad guilty for not allowing her, her husband and their 2 kids to "stay" with us a couple of years ago, but we had agreed a long time ago that no other adult live with us, so he was okay with me saying no (actually, I said, "Absolutely not!"). His daughter is divorced now and living with BM.

I keep coming on this site, not because of problems at home, but just to get into everybody else's business.

I envy you but I suspect

I envy you but I suspect there are people on here that envy me cause I still have a chance to "Get out". I just think that people on this board should understand this is hard. I wish there was BM in the picture cause then there would be an alternative. Then again I can hear women screaming no way do you want a BM in any pic.

I am amazed that such a strong man who is an overachiever and at the top of his profession can let his kid get away with this and then not even be willing to discuss it. Arggghhhhhh

I know it is guilt for marrying a woman who turned out not to exist as a mother but that guilt is benefitting no one - especially his kid.

I think people do understand

I think people do understand that it's hard. They also understand that it's a lot harder after the fact and having another adult living with you can wreak havoc a marriage, sometimes to the point of no return.

For the most part, my SD is an okay person but she is lazy, she's a slob, she doesn't really correct or discipline her kids and I know I would be VERY resentful if she lived with us (even if she didn't have kids).

You don't have to "get out", just don't get into a living arrangement that is not what you want and may never change once you're in it.

I just think there's a better chance of standing your ground now and getting him launched than trying to do it after you've married, moved in, sold your house, etc. Once you've accepted it (after you've already told him "no"), there's no motivation for any change.

My SD's BM gave us hell for years, but she's been told to kiss off since CS ended so she's not an issue, anymore. I hope she's around for a long time to take care of the completely dependent daughter she raised.

"not even be willing to

"not even be willing to discuss it," This is the root of your problem not the 22 yr old. Your future DH does not want to discuss the hard issues. This is a relationship issue between the two of you and a parenting problem between father and son.

Ahhhh give me a little more

Ahhhh give me a little more credit. I have held my ground for a year. I think the saving grace may be that my fiancee will likely get tapped for a position further away then his son would want to move. I can work anywhere and as neither of us will sell our homes to buy a new one I can hold out for at least another 9 months. Especially as I have not made one wedding plan. I know with the size of the wedding we are having it will take 9 months minimum to plan it.

Your "wonderful man" has

Your "wonderful man" has emotionally crippled his son, and if you step between the grown man-boy and his meal ticket it will get ugly. (go read the "Adult Stepchildren" forums for a while). Absolutely, positively, do NOT move into any dwelling where there is the slightest chance this 22yo man will live. You will regret it the way you have never regretted anything in your life.

if you let this happen, I

if you let this happen, I hope the THREE of you will be very happy, but don't think for a second that you and DH will be "starting your lives TOGETHER"

i also suffered from a skid

i also suffered from a skid w/ drug and prison issues. her mom and I now live separately and are getting divorced

Unfortunately I found out

Unfortunately I found out some news that may make this a bit different than I thought it seems his son has been asking him to take him to get his drivers license and fiancée has not had time. I told him he had to do it and show his son he believes in him so his son can believe in himself. Turns out the problem is as much or more with fiancée than it is with his son. I know his son is very introverted and he doesn't want him hurt in the world but he has to let him go and we talked about that tonight. It wasn't combative I think do my approach. Somehow it gives me a bit of hope to know his son wants to do something.

It doesn't matter that his

It doesn't matter that his son "wants to do something." Everybody wants to do something. What matters is whether his son has the means (financial, emotional, social, whatever) to do something. From what you've said, this kid doesn't have the means.

For reasons we needn't go into here, failure to launch is pretty common these days. The current economic and social reality is that this boy could be hanging around the parental hacienda for at least the next few years. Are you willing to live with that?

I know you're in love with the boy's father, and at 42 you must long for a companion and helpmeet. But if you marry and move in with this guy, the son will soon follow. Hard as it is to believe, you're better off now than you would be a year from now, when you'll be wondering who exactly this man is you moved in with and what to do about him and his spawn. You won't like the answers.

Look at it this way: If you make it clear to your SO that you're not moving in with him because of the situation with the kid, you'll be doing them both a huge favor. Your SO will realize how unattractive a man is when attached to a dependent adult kid. And if your beloved truly gets that message, the kid may just get up off his butt and figure out how to do those some of those things he so badly wants to do.

Tough love. They both need it. Please please please do NOT take this on.

I agree but was encouraged

I agree but was encouraged that his son actually may have some desire beyond watching tv. I do want to marry my fiancée but my brain says I still would rather wait a year or two and stay married forever. I have thoroughly enjoyed my life up to now and was looking forward to the next chapter but that will most likely have to wait awhile. As it stands I really can deal with the situation as I don't see it everyday. Also I have my house all to myself - which is not altogether a bad thing well except when I have to clean it. Hope I remember that I feel this way on my next bad day

Marrying for financial gain

Marrying for financial gain is a recipe for disaster in any situation. Marry because you want to not because it will save a collective $30K per year.

Totally confused why you

Totally confused why you would think I would gain financially by marrying. We both make very good money but the fact is I make about 10k more than him and have no dependents. My point was if he could get his son launched we wouldn't need two houses to live in ft. I must have not been clear. I actually own my house outright and have a small mortgage on a vacation property due to a job on sales where money comes in chunks (it is easier to pay things off that way for me). Sorry if I seem over sensitive but I worked my butt off to get where I am. While FDH income is more obvious because of his career choice, I am sure people who don't know me by anything other than social events may think some of the attraction is the money but that is only true in the sense that I don't need to divvy up my income.

"I worked my butt off to get

"I worked my butt off to get where I am."

So be honest and think about how you will feel when every single time this adult kid wants something, your (future) husband will rush to give it to him. And the older he gets, the bigger expenses. At first is may be a car, then rent, maybe eventually a deposit on a home, money for vacations, support for possible grandkids, etc. It will never end as long as they both shall live.

That's a "vow" that came before you did, and seems like your fiancé intends to maintain it.

Agree with others here - do not get married until you realize that this kid is in it for life.

I'm similar to you in many ways, and am so very grateful I never married my SO. We've been living together for almost a decade. In fact, I think NOT being married is why our relationship has lasted. There are many times I would have been upset about things had I been his "wife" since that confers a different sort of role than being the "girlfriend." As the girlfriend, it was easier to keep my mouth shut. As a wife, I would have had more to say and it would have strained things over the years.

I say enjoy wearing that ring, move in with him or him with you, but keep your property and bank accounts in your own name.

I mentioned not marrying for

I mentioned not marrying for financial gain only because of your comment that marrying would save a collective $30K. You are very rightly proud of your personal success and financial accomplishments and should be IMHO.

My bride of 20 years and I married shortly after I finished my BSEE. We had two 8yo cars, two apartments worth of college furniture and my decent but entry level engineering salary when we married. We invested heavily into our educations. DW finished a dual major BS with honors, an MBA with honors and has had a lucrative career as a CPA. I finished an MBA and have worked as a mid level executive for many years. We are both 6 figure earners though I make about 40% more than my bride due to our agreed focus that mine is the primary career. She has followed me in 4 major promotions and relocation assignments over the past 10 years so her career has not had the company stability that mine has or she would very likely have the primary income. Which would be just fine with me.

We launched the kid (my SS-22) 4 years ago when he decided he was not ready for college, told us it would be a waste of our money to send him to college, and enlisted in the USAF. In the perfect parental revenge the USAF sent him to college so we got a large injection in to our early retirement fund because the USAF is paying for his college studies and the kid ended up in school.

I understand where you are regarding the relationship and getting the Skid launched.

Please do not think my comment was judgmental. It was not intended to be. I have seen far too many people marry to save money only to have that decision be a bad one in the long run and made my comment accordingly.

With the additional information that you and your DH are both successful professionals rather than telling you not to do it I say by all means launch the step spawn, get married, and have a ball.

My bride and I certainly are at this stage of our lives together.

As for the new house. Hell no do not accomodate a place for an adult child to hang out for the long term. If you can't get he Skid out the door before the wedding at most put a bunk bed in the garage for the worthless POS Skid and cover it with ARMY/Navy/Air Force/Marine/Coast Guard/Merchant Marine recuriter flyers.

When my Skid finished HS and deciced he was not ready for college and did not want to get a job we turned him to our beck and call boy/chore bitch. My bride gave him an ever increasing chore list that wore his ass out. After about 4mos of being our beck and call boy he asked for me to take him to appointments with the USAF and USMC recruiters. He chose the USAF, enlisted for 6 years, and is doing great. He just finished year 3 in April. He is talking that he wants to re-enlist and go 20. His mom and I are very proud of him.

Good luck.

Rags - are you sure you're

Rags - are you sure you're happily married because I think I love you! You seem to have worked through any issues with a supportive wife. Good for you both. I really would expect my FDH to behave as you do but I don't think that will happen. I'm usually strong and hold tight to my opinion that I am not making any moves until his son is gone. Sometimes I feel weak because I'm not sure that will ever happen. Tonight I am feeling strong again! Your response really helped me because I see there are strong men out there in the world capable of making difficult decisions for the best of their marriage. Most of what I read on here are men who do not support their wives or in my case their fiancé as well as you two support each other.

NYSM, My bride and I just

NYSM,

My bride and I just renewed our vows on our 20th a couple of weeks ago so I am off the market for at least another 20 years. We joke that we will renew our vows in 20 year increments with exit points on the same schedule. We just started a new 20 year option period. So far it is looking pretty good for the duration.

I am fortunate. My bride and I agreed that if we were going to be equity life partners that we would be equity parents to any spawn in our home regardless of their biology. SS-22 is our only child so he received the and bore the burden of our parental focus. When he launched a few years ago his mom and I agreed that other than visiting he was not returning to the nest. He had a tendency to gravitate towards laying around doing nothing so we felt that keeping the pressure on him to perform and support himself was critical to his transitioning and maintaining viable adulthood. So far that strategy is working.

We are a team but I have to say that it is her support that has made me a better husband, father, professional, and Rags. She is the most focused, detail oriented person I know with an absolutely unequaled work ethic. Hot and sexy too!!! Without her I would probably be surfing my own parents sofa. In all seriousness, my parents would not tolerate me surfing their sofa.

I hope your SO can get his head straight that he is doing his son no favors by tolerating the kid's status as a worthless POS.

On a related note ... my Skid did not want to get his DL either. Why would he when mom and dad took him with us everywhere we went and he never needed to get anything for himself of go anywhere by himself. So, when he signed up for delayed entry into the USAF (he was 18) we bought him a new car as a combo HS Graduation, Xmas, USAF enlistment gift then we left he and his car at my parents house and told him to drive it home once he had his license. He spent a month or so going through the Grandpa (my dad) USMC driving and pre basic training conditioning boot camp. Dad is a force of nature and he worked that kid’s ass off on both learning to drive and getting in shape. The kid pulled in to our driveway in his car (at the time we lived about 350mi from my parents) a couple of months after we abandoned him at my parents. He would likely still not be driving and still playing couch rodeo rider in our home if we had not continuously kept a burning platform under him to grow up and engage in his life.

Good luck. Take care of yourself.

Best regards,

You are here

I expect to hear a collective don't do it