Marriage on the down side need advice
Hello, I am new to the board and could write a book on the issues regarding my Blended Family. I have been married for almost eight years, and have two step children. One step daughter, age 17, and one step son 21. As for myself, I have 3 children ages 17(daughter) 16(son) and 13(daughter), who i have every other weekend. When me and my wife first got together, I wanted to think of "us" as a family. What was good for one child, should be good for the next. I understand that her children live with us and rely solely on us, but i did not expect my children to be treated differently,at least when they are over on the weekends. My kids have to ask to get something to eat, hers can help themselves anytime, and also donate food to their friends. This has an effect on me and my children making us feel"not worthy".This is just one example of the many issues regarding the kids. When i address that i do not feel the kids, are being treated fairly,she says "I am all my kids have and they live with us and you pay support" Sure i understand this to a point, I do not help with school clothes etc. but the kids do not understand this, and it is not my fault, or my wifes that her ex is 30,000 + behind in child support, and has nothing to do with the kids.Another issue i have is i have no say in my house. I would appreciate 50/50. I have zero.I have tried to set simple rules only to be shot down, one example was I told all the kids( including mine) If you want to have a friend over, just ask and if nothing is going on then there will not be a problem.I explained my personal property is in the home, I would like to know who is here. This rule is totally been ignored for years. I don't think this was too much to ask for.There are no rules in my house anything goes and i have no control. My wife does not enforce chores and takes 100% care of picking up after her kids.I have so much to get out i don't even know where to begin, Anyhow my 21 year old step son takes total advantage of us.He has never been disciplined, or forced to learn responsibility. He has had several jobs that he has quit. and is into smoking marijuana since around the age 15. Mother takes care of his finances ,washes his clothes and takes care of him. I used to help considerably around the house, but i refuse to help, because he does absolutely nothing, around the house. His room looks like a pig pen,with empty beer cans under his bed (for over a month). He won't take the garbage out, or help with yard work or anything. He comes and goes as he pleases. I am to keep my mouth shut. He is on our cell phone plan, our car insurance. And everytime he is caught smoking dope, mom says don't do it again. My wife took our income tax, and bought him a car,(without my knowledge). Again i tried to set some rules. Ok now you have the car, so in order to keep the car you need a job, so he got a job at Mcdonalds long enough to get the car, then he quit the job. Mom let him keep the car( unbelievable). Another condition was if we know you are smoking dope, you loose the car. Caught him with dope, mom lets him keep the car. We are nothing but a joke to him. Mom took him to counseling, the doctor perscribed medication for him, still continues to smoke the dope. My kids, and stepdaughter told me that the stepson has brought alcohol and marijuana in the house on 3 different occasions, set right at the kitchen table with the marijuana and put it in a pipe, then went into the garage and smoked it. I told my wife about it and she gets mad at me. I finally put my foot down and said i want him out of the house. Mom tells him he has to go, not because of what he has done, but because of me. He goes to stay with his 16 year old girlfriend for a week, then he can't stay there anymore, so he moves back home. Wife now tells me she is going to find her own place, and that she needs to monitor step-son, and get him back on the right track. I think, he has had enough monitoring and needs some "tough love" . I know i don't have all the answers, and just don't understand why i have to be the one kicked to the curb.
Thanks for the reply, I love
Thanks for the reply, I love my wife, and have always put her first in the marriage (as long as she was not in the wrong), if that makes any sense. I have took the back seat and kept my mouth shut, and have never had any say in my house.I saw this coming when this dope smoking, along with being babied to the point we have put our own relationship at risk. At this point there is not much i can do. It is just frustrating knowing she is moving out to take care of her adult sons needs, when he will always take advantage of her and always be full of excuses. I am the one that has to suffer and give up everything i have invested in the relationship, which i guess means nothing to her. I hate to say it, but i could have raised or would have helped raised him if she would have let me.When he did something wrong there would have been a punishment and one that i would have stuck to, i would not have turned and looked the other way when he was 15, and started this mess, now he is 21, and she pretty much has no control over him except what goes on under our roof, and if he don't like it, he should provide for himself, But i wish this could be a decision made together, he sees the weakness in our marriage, and soon he will have his way again.
If you don't mind me asking
If you don't mind me asking Does your husband seem to hold any grudge, towards you since your step daughter is out of the house?I do feel a certain level of doing my kids injustice, by staying in this marriage. I also let my kids know that they alone are responsible for their actions and no one can force them to take drugs. and if i ever know that they have tried drugs,they need to go into hiding, and that is putting it nicely for the interenet.I am not like the wife who blamed the unknown person for introducing the ss to drugs. yes i would have a few choice words to a person who offered my son or daughter drugs, but a person has to be responsible for themselves. I could go get high right now, but i choose not too. The ss, has offered my son drugs, and very proud my son " said no." I am allowed to be a stepfather when it comes to putting breaks on his car, or putting a licence plate on his car, or supporting him, or going to support him when he was in sports. I guess i have been holding on thinking once the ss was gone things would be better, but i can't see him going anywhere soon.Usually ss comes home late at night after we are in bed, but lately he has been coming home sooner. And as soon as he walks in the door, wife will walk into the kitchen and give him all her attention.Even if she was in the middle of a movie, she drops everything for him. And after he eats she goes around and picks up after him. It just makes me sick, She tells him when to change his oil. Just totally enables him.
If you can make it work by
If you can make it work by talking to an out side party I would try to work it out. I found out the hard way that as hard as marriage is it's even harder with step kids involved. We all tend to feel kinder and more lenient toward our own. I'ts just human nature. Please try and talk to her. Maybe take her out to dinner and ask her why she enables him and if she feels it's best for him. One day it will be just the two of you and the kids will be in their own world. I use to enable my son and did so because I felt guilty. I had spent so much time working and he had to be alone a lot so much of my giving to him was out of a sense of guilt. I hope you two can work it out because you sound like you love her and she needs someone stong to help her realize she is not helping her son by letting him be a baby. I wish you the best.
Your situation sounds soooo
Your situation sounds soooo very much like what I'm going through right now. Not necessarily with the drugs/alcohol, but the way mom enables son and doesn't hold him accountable for anything.
My ss, 18, has always been allowed to do pretty much whatever he wants. My husband and I have been together for nearly 13 years. In those 13 years the boy has been allowed to be disrespectful not only to me, but to his sister (my daughter, who my husband adopted), and people on my side of the family. He plays the "she's a witch" card all the time. I'm sorry, but asking you not to throw trash on your floor, help with some of the chores, and try to get decent grades isn't being a witch, it's being a parent. His grades are crap, it's a miracle he's graduating next month. He doesn't work. All he does is play video games. Seriously, from the time he gets home from school till he goes to bed and from the time he wakes up on the weekends till the time he goes to bed, all he does is play video games.
I have tried over the years to instill some sort of discipline and consequences. If his grades were below a "c" he would lose his video games until they came up. That didn't work. Tried taking his tv out of his room. That didn't work. Nothing has worked. When his father bought him his jeep he was told he had to maintain at least a "c" average. Forget that. My husband has been so inconsistent in his discipline that the ss just doesn't pay attention to anything.
I am not allowed to tell him anything about his grades, chores, etc. unless it is positive. I am allowed to be ignored, called names, and just all in all disrespected. Yet I am the one expected to dole out gas money, lunch money, fill out paperwork for graduation, buy "goodies" when I go to the store.
He called me an f'ng b the other night when I put his friend's backpack in his room. The next day he told his father I locked him out of the house. My husband and my oldest ss were out of town, I felt more secure locking the doors. That simple. I didn't realize he didn't have a key. Now he's telling people at school that I've kicked him out of the house. I don't know what all he's told my husband, but he isn't talking to me and even told me to divorce him. I did absolutely nothing when the ss went off on me. I haven't said one word to him since that night. I don't understand why he is so hell bent on destroying our family. We've been through too much over the last few years and we should be coming together not pulling apart.
I'm just at a loss and wondering what to do just like you are.
Sorry for the ramble.
RT
I agree with HannaS and
I agree with HannaS and would try counseling to save the marriage. But you'll have to convince your wife that there's a problem first . . therein lies the challenge. You have to make her aware of the damage she's doing to SS. He's 21, and should be planning a life for himself. Instead she's coddling him like he's a 10 year old.
Also talk to her about his future plans for his life. She should recommend he go back to school so he'll be able to provide a decent life for himself. I also feel not having a say in your own house breeds resentment. Let her know how you feel.
If she continues to defend him and refuses to listen, perhaps it's best to let her go. Hopefully down the road she'll see the error of her ways.
I too have a coddled step but she's 26 and still lives at home. When I first moved in (2 years ago) we had to fight to get her to do any chores because "daddy never made her do anything." He did all the chores in the house. I put my foot down and told him that we ALL had to contribute something to this household, and that I refused to clean up after his adult daughter. I threatened to leave him because I refused to live in pig sty, and a house where I had no say.
He put his foot in her behind so now things are at least tolerable. She also has a nasty demeanor so between that and all the conflict she caused during the first year of our marriage, I don't have a relationship with her and we only speak. I'm not nasty, I just don't have much to say to her because I've lost respect for her. I'm looking forward to her moving out.
I wish you the best of luck.
I agree with HannaS and
I agree with HannaS and would try counseling to save the marriage. But you'll have to convince your wife that there's a problem first . . therein lies the challenge. You have to make her aware of the damage she's doing to SS. He's 21, and should be planning a life for himself. Instead she's coddling him like he's a 10 year old.
Also talk to her about his future plans for his life. She should recommend he go back to school so he'll be able to provide a decent life for himself. I also feel not having a say in your own house breeds resentment. Let her know how you feel.
If she continues to defend him and refuses to listen, perhaps it's best to let her go. Hopefully down the road she'll see the error of her ways.
I too have a coddled step but she's 26 and still lives at home. When I first moved in (2 years ago) we had to fight to get her to do any chores because "daddy never made her do anything." He did all the chores in the house. I put my foot down and told him that we ALL had to contribute something to this household, and that I refused to clean up after his adult daughter. I threatened to leave him because I refused to live in pig sty, and a house where I had no say.
He put his foot in her behind so now things are at least tolerable. She also has a nasty demeanor so between that and all the conflict she caused during the first year of our marriage, I don't have a relationship with her and we only speak. I'm not nasty, I just don't have much to say to her because I've lost respect for her. I'm looking forward to her moving out.
I wish you the best of luck.
We tried counseling, about a
We tried counseling, about a year ago, and she decided she no longer wanted to go. We probabaly went to about four sessions and she had enough. She doesn't think the problem is with her or her son, she thinks the problem is with me. I have tried to be a husband, be a friend, and have even ask her wouldn't you like to see him quit using drugs, wouldn't you appreciate help around the house? wouldn't you like to see ss be a productive person? Most issues are ignored, but after the same issues keep arising and are never addressed, it is a vicious circle with no end. I have tried to talk to her,I have begged her to give him a consequence for his actions not only for his own good, but for the sake of the family.Everytime he quits a job, or is fired it is not his fault. Even when he was in school and he got in trouble, "The teachers don't like him.Even now the smoking dope is excused, because he is stressed. I would like to know what stress he has, he is so dependant on his mother, the only thing he is responsible for is eating, and sleeping.I remember, ss was not going to get a job because he was going to the marines in a couple of months( i thought no way) but i also thought hey this may be great for him if he makes it through this he may learn some discipline, AND ALSO GIVE ME A BREAK. Anyhow suddenly it is found he has a hernia,but this is only a temporary set back, because once he arrives on Paris Island, they will perform surgery (free of charge) give him some recoupe time and then he can go through basic training. Well he was sworn in went through the ceremony, mother cried, mother took pictures, even got the proud to be a parent of a marine bumper sticker. Once he arrived on Paris Island he is uncooperative, denies the surgery and is sent home. When i told the step son" you didn't want to be a marine anyhow did you" He said no, and we left it at that.But this is the kind of stuff he pulls that causes so much drama, and wastw so much time. Just like the glasses he had to have because he couldn't see at school, and this is why nhis grades were bad, we bought the glasses, but i have never seen him wear them. Anyhow i guess i could write a book. I wish i did not love my wife, and i really do not know how i could, I guess we get along othewr than kid issues, but the issues are getting worse as the adults get older. I just don't know if it will ever end.