down and depressed
I have problems accepting my 20 year old ss living with us. I feel like my dh and I just cannot enjoy each other the same as if we lived alone together. The ss moved in with us in January of 2008 and we were married in July of 2008, but my dh had told me over and over that the ss would be out as soon as he turned 18. I should have known that this would NOT happen. A week before our 1st anniversary, I found out I had Inflammatory Breast Cancer and I have gone through alot in my mind. Worry about this and worry about that, if you know what I mean. BTW, I am NED at this point. Anyway, I can't really figure out why the ss bothers me so much, but every time he even wakes up in the morning and comes downstairs, I just feel so down and depressed. I was alone for some time before my dh and I married, so this probably has alot to do with me adjusting to kids being around again. I am just so afraid that the ss is not ever going to look for a place of his own and I know my dh will NOT suggest to him to try to get out on his own. He will let him live with us forever and I tremble at the thought of that! I do not dislike my ss, it's just the fact of him being around, in and out all the time, that gets me down. Does anyone else have negative feelings about a situation such as this? Any suggestions how I can get myself out of this depressed feeling? I am already in counseling and it was helping, but lately I am falling back again. For some reason I have in my mind that I will not be happy until my dh and I are alone, so I wait and wait for that day to come. I need some advice or words to lift me up, can anyone help? Thanks
Hello Kmart! Sorry to hear
Hello Kmart! Sorry to hear about your struggles, but I'm sure there are plenty of people who can relate. My skids are still very young, so I don't have this particular problem. But I think it's completely understandable to feel the way you do. Have you talked to DH about it? You mentioned you've been doing counseling, but has DH attended with you? Have you expressed these feelings to him?
Hang in there!
Yes I do and it makes me feel
Yes I do and it makes me feel guilty, my sd6 stays with us for half the week, things used to be really bad between us but its much better now, I think about the future and think what if she wants to live with us full time, even bio parents cry out for a bit of alone time you know, so its understandible to feel the way that you do, at least hes 20 it won't be much longer before he goes, imagine if he was six? My parents would take me in if I needed it, but they would'nt be happy about it lol.
I have to say that I truly
I have to say that I truly believe that it is MUCH easier for women who are very young, ie. get out of mom & dad's house and marry someone with kids to deal with this than for someone who has either been divorced, single, etc. and lived on their own for quite a while to put up with this. I get it. I think that when we go straight from our parent's house to another house, even if that house has crazy skids or an ex, we are used to a lot going on in our homes. Once we have lived alone for a while, we get used to the peace. We find someone because of course, there's peace and there is also loneliness. We fill that loneliness void with our DHs, but we can't deal with the hectic or no privacy issues with our skids. I was like that. Heck, even when she wasn't around there were times I needed my space back and I would tell DH ALL THE TIME...I missed cleaning my apt, taking a shower in peace...and then putting some candles or music or reading all by myself. Once you remarry and then get an skid, then all that is thrown in the garbage. I do think your feelings are perfectly normal.
With that said, I think you need to figure out a way to be out of the house when the kid is there. I did this for a while. When the skid came over and it got to be too much for me, that's when I did my shopping, got my hair cut, etc...So try to plan your days, weeks with that in mind. If you know he'll be home after 6 each day, wait until then to go get your hair done, go out with your friends, etc...little by little it starts to feel like a huge rock has been lifted off of you and you will be happier. It worked for me.
Good luck!
Almost anytime, if you want
Almost anytime, if you want your situation to improve, there is some short term pain.
If I am fat, I'm going to have to exercise and workout, which is a pain, but then I'll be skinny.
If I don't like my job, I might have to go back to school, which stinks, but the ill have a better job.
What won't help is sitting down and being miserable and depressed I'm fat and hate my job but doing nothing about it. All that's going to get me is older, fatter, and still hating my job.
If you're not going to do anything to make the situation better, go to a counselor and figure out a way to make peace with it the way it is.
If you want things to change, accept it the short term it's going to be a pain in the ass, but in the end you'll get what you want (no SS, although maybe no DH either.)
I think you feel the way you
I think you feel the way you do because you had a plan, he would be gone at 18. You saw that light at the end of the tunnel and planned your life around it. Now that has been taken away and you cant see when he will go. I have had VERY similar issues now 19 and 21 but I wont go into that....way too long!
Having the worries that go with the Cancer wouldnt help. Can you speak to your husband? If not there isnt a lot I can suggest - but I do know your depression will walk out the door the same day he does. It did for me - unfortunately it can walk back in again if he comes back. Good luck sweetie I really hope it gets better.