and he should make the call.

I would definitely keep the car - but as for tuition, has he seen her grades? Does he value paying for tuition even if she's doing things he doesn't support, like living with the BF?

I get that it's hard because it's his kid, but you're right. Shes an adult, you guys no longer have any control over her. It might make dad feel more secure to keep giving her money, but that's just enabling her, not helping in the long run.

Idk about cutting her off completely yet since shes just figuring things out as a college freshmen. Maybe more giving a reasonable amount to budget and sticking to it when she comes back asking for more and letting her sink or swim. And as for the actual college tuition, probably set some rules that are reasonable there too. If she has any student loans in her name too you're doing her a favor with that anyway because I sure wish I hadn't blown so much messing around in college.

I've seen this same story over and over. Either the lightbulb will go off and she will figure out that she needs to budget, or a different lightbulb will go off and she will realize she needs to find a new person to manipulate for money. If it's the second one itll probably be a way of life and you will eventually need to cut her off altogether.

Each time he gets angry and says that if I separate our funds we might as well get divorced.  I think he's insecure because he's always struggled and I have my crap together so he sees it as a threat.

How manipulative of your H to mention divorce if you comment on separating funds. Whatever support your daughters get is from their father and should have no baring on his kids. If he's so insecure because he struggles financially, he should get another job or cut back on some expenses. He shouldn't put that on you.

If I'm assisting a child with tuition I expect to see grades to prove how they are doing. If I see none of the above all bets are off. If she's mature enough to go live with her BF, she can get her shit together and show documentation on how she's progressing in school (or lack there of ).

What he's afraid of is that we'll cut her off and then for the rest of her life she'll make him feel like crap by telling everyone that we cut her off and don't care about her - and he'll look heartless. 

What's this WE business? This is his child. He can't control what she tells people and if she does bad mouth him it should open his eyes to his daughters character. You don't have anything to do with her, so why are you even part of the equation. She's his responsibility, not yours.

What your H is afraid of is that you won't supplement the money that he's lacking.

I would continue to pay tuition. I would have your DH request that she show her grades to you guys each term. 

How old is she 18? 19? If she needs the car to commute I might let her keep it but under no circumstances would I let her be under your insurance. Even if she had no issues I am not a fan of kids on insurance. Too much for a parent to lose if something goes wrong but that is just me. 

I don't think taking these things from her will produce the result you would like. A lesson learned and she goes back to the dorm. Which is why I say if she produces proof of good grades let it play out. 

I would not pay for second semester until I saw first semester grades. My kids knew this was non negotiaable. 

If he couldn't compel her to come home during high school, there is no chance of controlling where she sleeps now that she is in college. Dorm or boyfriend or high school friend - her choice.

Extra money would be a no from me. You have a dorm room and a meal plan. If you want more, get a part time job.

What is UP with parents footing the bill it this generation right after the BOOMERS?  that have created this crazy stuff.

We were out at 18---sharing a place with 2 to 3 other girls. ALL working are rears off to pay for rent, the lights, food, car insurance. Then guess what we paid our own STUDENT loans too. Our parents didnt do it for us. ... It was hard. IF we were invited to eat at home on Sundays with a basket of wash in tow, we were grateful to the max.

Go ahead...give her back the car, continue to pay insurance and student loan while she shacks UP with lover boy. Dont forget to pay her cell phone too.

Sorry your going thru this. Crazy huh?

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An alternative tactic would be to start taking money out of your joint account equal to what your husband pays to his daughter and splitting it between your two (or keeping it in a separate account in your name only with the idea of gifting it to your daughters when they graduate or if they need it in the future). - After all that would only be FAIR 

when mom doesn't pop out her "$afety Net" responsibility happens. What's good for your 2 is good for his ONE. Either she's an adult, or she is a child, but she can't be both. An adult assumes ALL responsibilities of their adult lifestyle. She can't cherry pick when and what she wants to apply to her as an "adult." Either she is an adult, or she is not. There's not a happy medium. It's like being a "little bit pregnant" either YOU ARE, or YOU ARE NOT.

Pull the financial life support plug, all the while remembering this sick dynamic/enmeshment between your man and his kid were in place long before you met him. This is a predictable cycle many DH's fall into with these SD's. Their "fear" of being written off is ludicrous, because if they loved their fathers to begin with, none of these head games would be happening. Who plays mind games (mind manipulation) with someone they profess to love?

I would definately separate finances. My dh and I each have our own savings and checking accounts and retirement accounts. He has three daughters, I have no biokids. He uses his money for his kids. I use my money for my nieces. We also have joint savings and checking accounts. We were married when his daughters were 18, 16, and 12. He wanted to see their college grades, but that didn't happen. Since, I wasn't involved in the financial support for them, I tried to keep out of it. When I went to college it was a given that I would show my Mom and stepdad my grades. But then, I did a pretty good job so it was a matter of pride. 

Let me say this, not everyone is ready for college.  A lot of people drop out in their freshman year. It takes some folks longer to mature and become responsible. Let the chips fall where they may. She may have already dropped out and you don't know it. 

Again, I suggest you set up your own savings and checking account. Put the money needed for joint expenses in the accounts you already have with him. You need a serious heart to heart with him about money. If he's threatening divorce, maybe it's not worth the effort to work out this relationship.  My husband is very cheap. He used to ask me to reimburse him for my share of joint expenses less than $20.  I'm so glad we have separate accounts. I wouldn't have it any other way.  

YOU need to cut off your funds. There is no way I'd be paying for college for a stepchild when I'd only been married to her parent for a year and when I didn't control the circumstances under which that money remained available. What your husband does is up to him.  If he wants to pay for a kid who is shacking up with her BF far from campus who hasn't opened the student portal for him to check her grades, he can take out loans.  If she's not going to be taking advantage of her campus and her program by being there, she doesn't need to be at a sleep away university; she can attend the local community college.

This situation is going to cause a lot of resentment on your part. I would separate finances asap. If your husband really thinks he might as well divorce you if you don't make your funds available to him and his, then let the marriage end, because that means he's just using you.  Better to know sooner rather than later.

When SD23 wanted to go to an expensive school, my DH never asked me for a penny. Even after I offered to LOAN him the money. Nope. He told SD23 that if she wanted to attend that particular school, she would need student loans. 

OP is NOT repsonsible for one damn dime that supports the skids in any way. Her H's choices:
1) Foot the bill himself.
2) Have his kids apply for student loans and he pays the difference.
3) Tell his kids they're on their own as he cannot afford to pay for college. 

She can pay for it herself.  I would not support her and BF so they can play.  They can work like everyone  else and play all they want.   Let her keep the car, put it in her name. 
 

If BF is more important then school. There nothing you can do about that.  But I would not support her in it .

1. Dh and I have separate finances. SD13 is too young for us to be in your situation (yet), but I am grooming her to want to go to college and better herself. We also discuss financing options and possibilitites. DH doesnt have an issue with separate monies. We each pay our half. I buy SD13 things if I want to. No obligation. When she is with us, he buys the majority of the food, he provides her entertainment and he pays her phone. Previously I paid half her phone and entertainment. I have backed off a lot. Emotionally I am still there, but financially not as much.

2. You are under no obligation to provide for this child. I think that it is wonderful of you to do so. She has an opportunity at a bright future and to better herself, and is fluffing it away. She is not ready, in my opinion and she is manipulating your DH, who is in turn manipulating you, into her support.

She should give him access to her grades. HE needs to be the one paying. She quit her financial aid job - well YOU do not need to pay. I certainly will not be paying for SD13's higher education, and I am ok with that.

She sounds like my SD20, who goes into rages when she doesnt get her way. Threatens suicide etc.when asked to clean her room. Has no job, etc. certainly isnt going to college. She lies and steals. Yup. And the BM dropped out of high school. She certainly doesnt value higher education.