I feel for you without even knowing the situation. I have been a part of a stepfamily for 21 years, met my husband when his boys he has custody of were 5 & 7, mom left when the boys were 2 & 4 if you can even fathom that. I know you want to get along but you really have to set the ground now so you don't get walk on.

I'm reading a book right now that is helping me see that I have not been strong enough. Againa not knowing what is happening in the home I am going to post what I have been reading in case you might find it helpful.

If this were me I would have had a sit-down with the kids a long time ago.

"Emotional Unavailability" by Bryn C Collin. ".....When you are in the middle of an emtional moment, you are lost in the emotion itself and don't have the ability to step back from it to break it down into crunchable little bits that can be analyzed and catergorized......People who intellectualize, on the other hand, keep everything and everyone at a distance al the time. They manage the emotional impact of feeling by discussing it froma safe, distant perch on which they sit.....A intellectualizer sees himself as a rational, controlled, thoughtful peson who doesn't do things impulsively and doesn't make decisions based only on feelings." (The book gives an example about a man named Peter and his wife named Sylvia.) "Sylvia has been unable over their years together to encourage Peter to break out of his pattern of distance because he doesn't see that his style is emotionally damaging to her." (this is so my husband)

The next chapter talked about power balances. "Signs of power imbalances include the feeling that you don't have a voice in a relationship or that you are always the one whois not important. If you find yourself doing things you don't like, eating food you don't like in restaurants you don't care for, being with friends you don't find interesting, or going places you don't want to go at times that are inconvenient, you may want to look at the power base in your relationship. You may also want to ask yourself how much of the power you've simply offered up because it's the path of least resistance." (BINGO, our sitaution exactly! I have said it all repeatedly and this is how it has been being a stepmom and second wife.)

"Being in the disempowered position can have all sorts of negative consequences. First, your self-esteem takes a battering over time as you struggle to retain your personal worth in the face of evidence that you aren't worthy. Secone, you begin to extend this powerlessness into other relationships, almost as though you are justifying the surrender to power in the primary relationship. You begin handing off power to your boss, your job peers, the guy down the block. It's as if you're trying to make everything OK by spreading your power around. All that does is lower your self-esteem." This is what I have to stop!