Came across this comment someone made on a post on-line
The comment was in relation to some of the stress and burden some adult kids are placing on their parent, including financial burden. The original poster was anonymous but had adult kids withholding the grandkid or grandkids if she set boundaries. At least one adult kid was physically abusive too, even though the mom let that adult kid along with grandkids move back in with her after them being evicted according to the original post. Other adult kids were financially dependent and disrespectful etc.
A comment to the original post said "Kin or no kin..put everybody out, because at the end of the day when you are dead & gone from stressing out over their foolishness, they will still be living their best life destroying someone else’s life. So why even allow ANYBODY to put you through that drama? Your job as a parent for them grown kids is done. Raise that 14 year old & let her know that her day is coming too. Start teaching her responsibility NOW. America is probably the only nation on the planet that believes in taking care of or spoiling over grown kids. Ain’t nobody in their right mind taking care of no 20+ year old grown folks." What are people's thoughts on this?
100% agree
100% agree
I am not saying that a parent can't help an adult child from time to time. When I moved back from the west coast to the east coast I lived with my parents (my kids were toddlers) for almost 3 months while I was searching for/buying a home so we didn't have to live in a short lease apartment or rush into something we didn't really want. My ex was AF and coming out a few months after us.
My parents also gifted my brother money for his downpayment on a house this year.
Those are all things within the realm of normal to me. Using grandkids as bargining chips, abusive behavior, financial burdens- those are not. It is ok to drop the rope in cases like this.
I agree!
Funny though if a SM says adult skids should be financially responsible (except those circumstances as stated above) she is villified. I wonder if this online forum had a SM write this how the responses would be.
North America has become kid centric for the last 20 yrs or so, the result is offspring expecting to be taken care of well beyond adulthood. Now to be clear not all kids are like that and many parents have raised their children well. I think though quite often in divorced situations there is a lot of guilt by parents and manipulation by the poor COD.
It seems to have become the "norm" for many to allow
adult aged "kids" to keep living with them, or allowing them to move back in.
It's been said, "We are not raising children, we are raising future adults." IT's true. Responsibility is taught, it doesn't just "happen" without lots of preparation and consistency.
You are right; there are so many spoiled kids, particularly in the U.S. I am a product of "Children should be seen, not heard." And I've seen that morph to "The kids run the show." On the whole, the ass whipping generation far outshines, and surpasses the time out one.
Idk...whie responsibility
Idk...whie responsibility should be taught to children with preparation and consistency, there are plenty of people who for whatever reason are not taught basic life skills (and I'm referring only to holding down a job, paying bills, and renting a place) and who figure it out on their own, by ditching the dipeys and putting on big boy and big girl panties. It isn't rocket science.
It seems to have become the "norm" for many to allow
adult aged "kids" to keep living with them, or allowing them to move back in.
It's been said, "We are not raising children, we are raising future adults." IT's true. Responsibility is taught, it doesn't just "happen" without lots of preparation and consistency.
You are right; there are so many spoiled kids, particularly in the U.S. I am a product of "Children should be seen, not heard." And I've seen that morph to "The kids run the show." On the whole, the ass whipping generation far outshines, and surpasses the time out one.
Dovina, you think a stepmom
Dovina, you think if a stepmom wrote this, then the responses likely would be different? I guess the way I look at it, since my adult kids are independent, then any man I date has to have adult kids that are independent too. I do agree with justmakingthebest's statements about some of the circumstances where it is ok for a parent to help an adult kid,that is if the parents really want to and it isn't out of being guilted into it.
I think the odd thing is I told my ex up front, I wasn't dating a man who has dependent adult kids. However, he decided to hide his situation until he just couldn't hide it from me anymore. In the end I broke up with him. Strange thing is he even had a few people close to him agree with me that adult kids needed to take care of themselves. At one point he claimed he already knew it. However, I am pretty certain he knew if he cut off funds for his adult kids, he would never hear from them again. He was under an enormous amount of stress because of it, which to me made absolutely no sense. No way in hell would I allow my adult kids to emotionally blackmail me.
I hear you!
The old COD and the scared guilty dad. Chances are even before divorce these kids were held at adult status, with little regard for respect. Then once divorced the guilt and the emotional blackmail multiplies. I do think if it was a SM the responses may be different. Unfortunately the image of a SM has never been held in high regard, unless she is bending into a pretzel to cater to the skids. That and she should have no say or opinion as to what is given to the skids. Especially when it comes to finances. After all the myth is the SM wants everything for her and the skids are Cinderella.
It definitely is a myth that
It definitely is a myth that SMs want everything for her. A lot of SMs earn more than these fathers, I know I earned significantly more than my ex.
It's ridiculous for adults to be asking their parents for money like they are teenagers. I just went back to the original post and comment and just realized a. man actually made the comment to the mom.
Still reading some of the comments and some people are actually blaming the mom for how her kids turned out.
One person commented said "You enabled them to the point they dont know how to be grown men or women."
Another person commented said "Unfortunately it’s your fault. That’s a harsh reality you will have to face. Enabling your children is not love it’s weakness. When you enable your children you cripple them that’s why they are dependent on you now. Cut ties take your losses for your own sanity. If you don’t your children will be dependent on you till your dying day. They essentially become your succubus."
A person commented "You created this problem. You are the only one who can fix it. It's not about following some random strangers advice. It's about you prioritizing, making a decision, & sticking to it."
Another person commented "Seems to me that you’re an enabler to the disrespect."
If people realize the parent is the culprit, then why on earth does the SM get the blame in blendef families?
Because the perception of SMs
Because the perception of SMs is that we were the mistress who broke the family. Mom might be responsible for the kids being awful, but the catalyst for "poor BM" to not be able to parent was us homewreckers swinging our DDs in front of unavailable men who were too stupid to say no.
That's the image people have of SMs, even when it's not the truth. Plus, it's easy to have opinions online on situations where you only see one or two facets of the situation. In real life, where emotions and feelings and real people are involved, it becomes harder to tell your friend to their face that they are the problem. Or to even recognize that they're the problem. SM becomes an easy scapegoat.
Lieutenant_dad very
Lieutenant_dad very interesting view point, with of course some humor tossed in. Lol. I just never knew so many SMs were used as scapegoats. To my knowledge, neither my ex nor anyoone affiliated with him ever blamed me for the issues he had with his adult kids. I wouldn't have tolerated it.
What I did notice is that as long as I voiced my concerns as if his adult kids were the sole problem he didn't get that defensive. However, once I learned from this board and a few others he was the culprit and started confronting him he would get defensive, play victim, and/or go silent for a while. I pretty much just ignore his calls and messages now.
I think people should tell people when they are wrong about something. That then gives the person a chance to change or choose to remain the same.