You are here

my upteenth rant.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Yes I know.  My usual rant about SD GRRR.  To my credit I am totally silent on the issue to husband for the past several weeks.  When she calls like clockwork on Friday, saturday and Sunday nights now right at dinner time I simply remain silent. H has even questioned her if she was with HER husband. When she texts him news articles at 730 am saturday and Sunday mornings I remain silent. I DO think it is a situation I can not fix.  Grin and bear it.  And I have. I think H realizes that it is not the norm but he soaks up the attention. I understand that. What makes this so irritating to me is that she has rejected all overtures from me and we are strangers. I have not had any contact with her since the summer and aside from all the texts and calls she has not seen her father since then. Both make no attempts to visit the other. So bizarre. 

So why am I ranting today?  I went to accountant with H this week, my business accountant. I had some questions also IRS and tax filing questions.  So you know what happened later that day right?  I overheard H  telling SD EVERYTHING I asked the accountant about!!!!  DH and my filling status etc!!!  I said nothing. But boy it enraged me.  Everything is told to her.  Everything.  Would it be different if I had some kind of relationship with her, yes.  I might be sharing some of my personal issues myself with her because that's me.  Telling H is a lost cause.  

That's my rant. That's it. LOL. 

Have a good weekend everyone. Thanks for listening because nobody else understands this stuff. 

Harry's picture

Don't tell him anything.  Or tell him stories that are not toyalky true.  Like you are leaving SD loads of money in your will.  No amount but loads.. 

CLove's picture

Husband continually overshares.

AND I speak to him about it.

Too bad you cannot stomp his foot at the beginning of the situation...

Cant you talk to him reasonably? YOUR finances are YOUR finances

Winterglow's picture

Sorry to say but it's time you went absolutely effin' nuclear! No more pussyfooting around.

"DuH, your offspring have NO business in my life so cut it TF out! Do you enjoy gossiping like a pathetic middle school mean girl? Seriously? WHO are you married to? Share just one more detail about my life and our life together will be over. Who do you want to be married to? Your spouse or your daughter? Your call. "

CajunMom's picture

Time to address the issue. No way would I tolerate my DH telling his kids ANY of my business, let alone financial stuff. Set this dude straight and then refuse to share any other info with. Let him stay home...no more tagging along for appointments you can handle alone. OMG...I'd be furious. You SHOULD be, also and you SHOULD not stay silent on this topic.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Does he talk to her during dinner? If so, you should get up and leave the table - let him have dinner with her. Maybe that would wake him up?
I know disengaging is working for you right now, but him discussing your personal finances with her would be a hill to die on for me. I guess the only thing for you to do is never tell him anything that you do not want her to know.

Winterglow's picture

Love this idea but be sure to tell him in advance that one more blab and you will stop anything more than smalltalk with him. You want him to know why conversations with him are repulsive to you. 

AgedOut's picture

"DH, I am sad that I am at a point hwere I need to do this but I'm going to stop sharing things with you. Not because I don't want to be able to freely communicate with my husband but because you choose to treat your daughter like she is a partner in our marriage. You are telling her things that are not her business or concern and I've been quietly waiting for you to realize how inappropriate it is but that hasn't happened. I don't know why you would do that to me but since you're choosing your route, I'm going to choose mine. I am not confortable or happy having a three partner marriage and while I understand some contact w/ your daughter, you have invited her too far into our lives and it has me concerned about my privacy and our marriage" 

Rags's picture

Cut him off. No discussion with DH of anything of matter. Make it all inoccuous and embarrassing. Talk about DH's ED issues, or prostate health, or how unsatisfied you are intimately, or how his aging gut is a turn off, your mentrual details, bowel movements, or ask how SD's growing body count is progressing, or, or, or, or. Nothing he can share without baring his own idiot ass.

Cut him off from your finances, financial information, any significant information at all, and keep his nose rubbed in his idiocy whole baring his ass about violating your confidences and the sanctity of your marriage by sniffing his idiot daughters ass whole whispering anything and everythign in her ear.  Drag him to couples therapy and make each session about his incestuous digital communication relationship with his spawn.  See if he will share his continual ass baring with her.   Make sure you regularly ask him if he has shared those things with her since... that is all I would give him to talk to her about if I were you.  I would also make sure you scrub his nose in it with regulary "So, how does it feel to not know anythign to talk to your emotionally incestuous spawn about?  Hmmmmmm?"

Nea

Rant away BTW. Though I advise formulating your action plan while you rant.. then take action. No action, nothing changes.  I would make sure you light the burning platform to keep the heat on DH to make a change and he stops betraying you and his marriage to youw with his kid ass sniffing emotional incest with his spawn.

back2life's picture

Yes, it is completely infuriating... and just WHY do they do this! My husband does the same and yes his spawn calls daily at dinnertime or intentionally interrupts any event going on with her stupid phone calls. Theres nothing important that warrants a phone call ever, its an intentional disruption and H does nothing to stop it. I have told my H what I think about it and that our marriage has 2 people in it, not 3. This is my typical day...

H comes home from work and uses me as a soundboard to bounce his work stuff off of. Im absolutely fine with that, I actually enjoy hearing about his day. But here comes the problem. Daughter calls a couple hours later and he repeats, almost verbatim, everything he shared with me to HER. Also sharing other insignificant things, and sometimes very important things like finances, that happened thats none of her business either. Why does she even care?  I just dont get it... thats what wives are for, not daughters. I have reached the end of my rope with this, I called it out with H and i gave him a test. He failed of course!

I told him I didnt like him sharing his work stuff with her just the same as he did with me prior. Short version, dont tell ME anything he plans on telling HER later. That there are many things that are just OURS and it diminishes me and my importance when he does this. I explained the importance of priority in marriage vs. responsibily. and that he needed to understand this. If he couldnt we needed to go see a lawyer. I even backed up my position with a preachers sermon. Yes, these men are confused and so are their clingy daughters. Enmeshment, attachment disorder, parentification, whatever ya wanna call it... Im not having it!

this is the priority of all things.

God

Spouse

children

extended family

church

work

etc.

No, the children are NOT the first priority, ever. The spouse must be the priority because that aids in the responsibility to the children.Children may be the first responsibility, but priority and responsibility are not the same thing.A marriage cannot last if the priorites are wrong.

As for my "test". I told him to tell her ahead of time we had plans on this day at this time so she would have to call someone else that day. He was not available. So we go out for the evening as planned. Shockingly, the phone doesnt ring. I thought, FINALLY, i got my message through. Then a few moments later I look over and they are texting each other back and forth. I was furious! Im about 100% sure the daughter initiated that just because she was being spiteful for being told not to interrupt. But he still participated and that there is the real problem. PRIORITY! He prioritized her over me yet again when all I demanded was a couple of hours... he failed!

So now I call it out in real time. While shes on the phone, i make sure she hears me. "she dont need to know that" "why are you telling her that" "thats not her business" Do i care what she thinks, not one bit. And him too for that matter. If he wants to treat his daughter like my equal, or her playing the mini wife role... they can have it! I will focus on me and I am coming to terms with my reality. This is not going to work for me anymore. 

I feel your pain and frustration... no one understands until they have lived it. I question if im the crazy one and this is normal... its not normal and we wives are not the problem.

 

Newimprvmodel's picture

It's not like they are kids. They are adults with spouses of their own. And this SD thumbs her nose at everyone, me, my kids, H's extended family. But she has to hear all the dirt and info on everyone.  But shame on me for thinking it would stop when i came on the scene many years ago. 

I dont know if in your case it is all by phone and text. Which is so weird. That's the strange part. This neediness but they never visit each other more than twice a year. And last visit his daughter took off with friends the first day of the visit. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

It's not like they are kids. They are adults with spouses of their own. And this SD thumbs her nose at everyone, me, my kids, H's extended family. But she has to hear all the dirt and info on everyone.  But shame on me for thinking it would stop when i came on the scene many years ago. 

I dont know if in your case it is all by phone and text. Which is so weird. That's the strange part. This neediness but they never visit each other more than twice a year. And last visit his daughter took off with friends the first day of the visit. 

strugglingSM's picture

They are totally enmeshed. DH used to over share with BM and MIL and it always bit him in the ass. 

I remember one year we had no money, so I gave DH a bunch of coupons for his birthday. Fortunately, I didn't include anything sexual, because without even reading all of them he said, "mom, look what struggling made for me!" And handed them to MIL he went and read through them all.

I've had to be very clear with DH on things that cannot be shared with anyone, including our finances, jobs, trips, etc. I don't need anyone's opinion and it's none of their business.  

BobbyDazzler's picture

Why aren't you ripping the phone from your codependent husband's hands  and telling this brat SD this is none of her business or to stop interrupting at dinner time? I'm sorry but it sounds like you're enabling a lot of this. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

And besides I would just look like a jealous wife, eh?  H has blinders on regarding his D. Although this morning discussing a TV show with an emotional enmeshed father daughter he admitted that he was guilty of that when he first got divorced. I did not say anything. But clearly that was the beginning. This morning the texts started at 730 am. It does take away from our Sunday morning together. But I ignore. What else to do?  I've tried but come out looking like a jealous wife.  Have even raised issue of why isn't this young married person with her new spouse early on?  Because the answer really is that the emotional enmeshment started years ago. And he doesn't get that she wants nothing to do with me his wife. She hides behind her tell M hello BS. How  would this have played out before cell phones?  She would have had to call our home phone and deal with me. 
 

BobbyDazzler's picture

Us, it doesn't sound like they have much regard for you. What does it matter if they see you as a jealous wife. 

MorningMia's picture

I have too big a mouth to stay silent in a situation like this. I would DEMAND that he stop sharing info about me or anything I've said. In fact, during some conversations I have with DH, I specifically say, "Please don't share this with your kids . . . ."  and he respects that. 
If you choose to stop providing info to DH that you don't want him to share with mini-wife, you are then inviting distance into your relationship. That might be the right route or ok with you, but then your marriage shifts, which also might be ok with you. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

And it did make me feel distant. I've tried talking to him about it. He doesn't get it. At all. Believes that I am generalizing about her. That I find fault with her when there is none. 

Winterglow's picture

So posta detailed account on Facebook of his last prostate exam. If questioned/ challenged,  "what? I'm  only telling friends... where's the harm in that?" as innocently as possible. 

Rags's picture

I'm the primary communicator.  Because that is the case, I use commute time to speak with friends, my parents, my brother, etc... That way we I get home, it is our time.  Not everyone else's time.

What I discuss during my commute catch ups, rarely is what DW and I share with each other after work.  I'm not sure why that is the case. I will share who I spoke with and a brief of what was discussed, but it is not the same discussion.

DW and I share our day, discuss different elements of our day, and we focus on us together. Not a master planned SOE by any means, it is just how we do it.  Some days are predominantly similar to prior days, others include far different discussions, deeper fives on work, family, friends, us, etc..

What is a given is that it is about us.  When we are at work, that is where we are. When we are with family, that is where we are. When we are talking with the kid, etc, etc, etc... that is where we are.

I had a work training event seemingly countless decades ago that among other things addressed the topic of "Be here now."  In other words, be where you are and be their fully.  If you find yourself day dreaming, then commit to that and day dream.   Then get back to work and be there.  IMHO the same applies to being a couple and making a life together. Be there.  For damned sure do not answer the phone, look at a text, etc... when it is couple time.  

People train others how to treat them.  We train others how to treat us, how to treat our partners,  how to treat  our marriage and life together, etc.  A big part of that is the immediate contact, reply, and share it all crap.  That is not for RL.

That is for STalk.

Wink

Sadly tnat is for social media as well.

IMHO of course.

BobbyDazzler's picture

And, in my opinion, it's never too late to set boundaries.