Thought I was losing my mind...
I've been married to DH for 3 1/2 years. Dated for a year before that. Bio mom passed away more than 20 years ago. OSD made it clear she didn't want me around from the beginning. Same story as most on here. Went out of my way to be kind and inviting. But her jealousy over DH involvement with my kids and grandkids enraged her. Her lies and resentment apparently infected SS and he texts his Dad disparaging remarks about me. No, Dad doesn't stand up for me. Just remains silent to keep the peace. The youngest SD loves me and loves that I am Grandma to her little girl. I can't win with the older two, however, and I was beginning to despise my husband for his weakness in not confronting them. After reading this forum I am actually beginning to see that what I am going through is quite common! The DH's stay silent. The stepmoms eventually disengage to reclaim their sanity. Actually feeling relieved and determined to focus on my marriage without letting the two negative ones cause drama.
Welcome climbinghigher! When
Welcome climbinghigher!
When the skids start to bother you, just take in a deep breath, and repeat what is in my signature below . . .
((Waving hand wildly))....I
((Waving hand wildly))....I left. I demanded change or it was over. I meant it, he knew I meant it, and things changed and changed drastically.
wben I left and refused to be SD (then 17) scapegoat and she could no longer blame me for everything, she turned her special brand of poison onto DH and he got the full treatment from his special little princess. His eyes popped wide open and he saw the light.
It took a few months but he completely stopped buying any of her manipulation and lies and as soon as she graduated and turned 18, he stopped financially funding her demands. She quickly decided he was no longer useful in her narcissistic schemes as we refused to be her "supply" any longer and she slithered back under her rock. She pops her head out from time to time and he shuts her down.
We are currently on vacation in Hawaii having the time of our lives!!
"Nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes"
I LOVE THIS!!!!!!
I LOVE THIS!!!!!!
I totally agree. We settle -
I totally agree. We settle - not only because of poor self-worth, but because society bombards us with the notion that we can not be happy and whole without being married. I have to admit I was just plain stupid when I met DH and married him, then waited way too long to take any action so it would negatively affect my financial security. The OP has only been married to her DH for 3 1/2 years. Time to take action now. If a man will not have your back to the skids, he will not have your back at other times when you need him to be there for you. This has been the case with my DH. I know I am a bit late but I informed him recently that if he ever threw me under the bus again our marriage was over. Period.
Welcome! Dad keeps the peace
Welcome! Dad keeps the peace because (probably) you're afraid to rock the boat about his daughter. I'm not sure I would be able to keep quiet.
My mom has two adult stepdaughters. One she LOVES and loves the grandkid and treats both of them like gold... the other is a bitch and hasn't gotten over her parents breakup. Jealous to the extreme. My mom treats her like she treats my mom. Apathetically. And my younger stepsister (if you want to call her that -- I don't!) is sooooo missing out, because as my mom mellowed out after 50, she IS and would be the COOLEST grandma-type figure to any kids that she was associated with...poor dumb stepsister. She could have the benefit of a woman with a shopping problem who loves her family, and her dad (a wonderful man) would be more involved with her family if she was nice to his wife!
LOL I say all that to say, don't let it bother you. At least you don't have to deal with every other weekend visits from Satan's child.
Wow, your reply pretty much
Wow, your reply pretty much nailed my situation. I was ready to move out because of the weakness in my husband regarding his seeming inability to rein in his two mean kids. I realize I too am not desperate to keep him. Life was simpler and better alone. But like you I meant my vow. His oldest kids will not 'get to' me anymore. The oldest SD has told my husband her kids are not allowed in our (his) house as long as he is married to me, nor am I allowed to be within 200 feet of them. The kids suffer. They love me. DH will visit them. This site didn't make my husband less weak. But it did show me that many fathers are afraid of losing their kids and think that by being silent they can have both kids and new wife.
I was called a "money
I was called a "money grubber" in a whisper by ss26. He said it just loud enough so I could hear it but not DH. Funny thing since BM is still getting alimony and DH is in the red thousands of dollars a year because of it. Oh but it's me that's the money grubber. SS30 is mad that he's not getting free rent and taken care of by DH anymore since we got married. I'm so evil, oh well. At this point in my life I'm just over trying to be accepted by anyone, especially HIS children. I'm moving in 2 years and DH has the option of coming with me. If he decides not to then oh well. I'm just at the "whatever" stage in my life now. Men, meh.
Yep. Denial, codependency,
Yep. Denial, codependency, and guilt. Makes for crazysoup.
My DH used to allow skids to
My DH used to allow skids to talk badly about me in the hope I guess that he would argue with them and win them over to his side. None of those attempts worked, they are used to steamrolling dissenters into submission, BM taught them well. We had a few sessions with a therapist who was of the opinion that I should not allow those disparaging remarks bother me. I had a breakthrough in that session - I realized that I have just found how far I'm prepared to go and where I stop. So I drew the line right there and then.
Yes, it is difficult for my husband not to go along with anything and everything the adult skids want or at least it was at the time, several years ago, but I was adamant- if he continues to allow that, I am done. If he is not able to make them stop when they start badmouthing me, he needs to walk away, hang up, discontinue the communication. I have never set any conditions in our relationship but this was a hill to die on. If he cannot have my back, I cannot be with him. I would not allow anyone in my extended family to talk badly of him. When my kids act up infrequently I put them in their place if they are brats to DH. Why would I expect less than that in return? Why would you?
Gosh ~ I totally am with you
Gosh ~ I totally am with you ~
My DF married Tinkerdouche to implement a stable family situation. Would have been a terrific idea if they respected/loved one another ~ you know square peg round hole was their life in a nutshell.
They were together off/on for 7 years before they got married ( for veruca's sake ~ married when Veruca was 7 ) last a whole 3 years then divorce proceeding.
I came back into my DF's life with my kids ~ being DF's past interested didn't make things easy for me. We treated all the kids the exact same way ~ no favoritism at all. Veruca had a big problem with respect being given but expect it from US.
Like another posted ~ when the narcassist could host off of us ~ it put her in a tail spin. Absolutely no toleration of disrespect will ever be tolerated in my home. If you don't like things ; there is the door ~ walk through it n never return.
DF had an issue with things at first but he sees where I come from. Mothers are very protective ~ we see things the men can't. Being treated like shit is not the way I want to live my life.
DF can spend whatever time he wants with her but not in our home. That's still not good enough for her ~ she denies him of a relationship he so longs for ~ there is no communicating with me about their relationship ~ I have learned it just leads to arguments. She wants nothing to do with him but spoos lies that he doesn't try ~ that he cares more for them more than his own flesh & blood. I feel horrible for him but my wounds from her are deep & wide. Until my heart heals I can be no help for him.
So instead ~ I relish my relationship with my best friend my DF. We laugh n enjoy life ~ it's a shame it has to be this way. Life is so short m times flies by quickly. She bluffed him n now she loses.
My DH and I were married one
My DH and I were married one year ago. We have 6 adult children between the two of us, and the only one that is not happy for us is his 32 year old daughter. She's married with her own child, but still acts like "Daddy's little girl". I find it sickening. She barely spoke to us from the time he told her we were getting married and pouted at the wedding before leaving early. He even admits it's his own fault that he spoiled her while she was growing up. Last year, she whined to her brother that Daddy didn't send her a Valentine's Card so DH sent her one this year. Of course he didn't tell me, but I saw the text on his phone from her thanking him for the card. God forbid, even though she treated him like crap through her parents divorce (even writing him hate letters), he keeps going overboard to keep her happy. We have been uninvited to her house, not invited to her baby shower, and shunned at other family events. I try to not let her behavior bother me, but it's hard.