My biggest mistake

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If you are considering, or already in a relationship, with a man who has children, leave now. Do not go any further. Broken families, and I speak from a woman’s perspective, will cause a unique kind of pain.

Experience the sting of breaking up, cry your eyes out, speak to a therapist or psychiatrist. Get the help that you need, to get out. Unless you are part of the very small majority, who has found a man who puts YOU first, you must go. PS, you are not that small majority.

The elephant in the room (his children) will be there when problems arise. It’s as if there is an affair that will never end. The resentment you feel will be new, you always thought stepfamily stigma was surface level. It couldn’t be that bad. But, it is.

I’ve been with a man for 1 year and a half. With him came children (grown). The pain, resentment, anger, and sadness are too much to bear. I was swept off my feet, he treated me like a princess in the beginning. He was moving mountains for me. I fell madly in love, dare I say, harder than I ever have.

With that intense, quick beginning has come intense sorrow. Every promise has been broken. I’m hanging on to the man I fell in love with, I must except that he is gone.

I’m asking God how this could have happened. Why, when I prayed for a good man, would you allow this into my life? I feel preyed upon, duped, and naive.

I could give you the details of this painful affair, but I don’t want you to know how stupid I am. I am not long gone as I should be. But desperately waiting for the man he could have been. The man he was before the damage?

I use to pray for our relationship, God please look over our love. Now I’m praying for the strength to exit. Leaving will be the most painful experience of my life. I don’t care to face it.

I am a sensitive and emotional person. Anxiety has been a problem throughout my life. I’m sure those elements make it harder for me to go. I have left bad relationships before. My will and stubborn nature pushed me through the pain. I’ve lost that. Was it lost before he came along, or has this pushed me to the brink?

Please, just go

I'm sorry your relationship

I'm sorry your relationship isn't working, but your advice is not for everyone. My DH and I have been together 10+ years. Obviously, there were issues and I found STalk. But step life is working for us. No, it's not what I originally anticipated. But it's darn good and we're very happy.

You need to find yourself. Maybe you will rediscover what was lost or maybe you'll find something new and just as good or better.

Also, I would say that if

Also, I would say that if someone feels this way that they should do a hard deep dive look at where things went wrong. What red flags were ignored... what concesions did they make early on?

Even moving quickly in what seems like a good thing.. can be a red flag. People who rush in and bomb you with flattery and treating you like a queen... may be doing that to get you to ignore your inner voice of reason that should make you view things with more caution.

Very much agreed, ESMOD.

Thank you. DH and I are

Thank you. DH and I are coming up on 11 years together, and we are very happy.

I don't really understand why people assume their relationship with a divorced man represents the majority of those type of relationships.

Perhaps because the pain of

Perhaps because the pain of heartbreak is just as blind as love can be? When hurting, your view of life can be quite narrow. *give_rose*

I think it's also easier to

I think it's also easier to blame the man then it is to look at your own choices.

Yes, for some. I am extremely

Yes, for some. I am extremely hard on myself and make it a point to face up to my choices/mistakes. Last thing I wanted was a repeat of marriage to my psycho exh so I was absolutely brutal about the bad choices I made and the red flags I overlooked.

Yep, some people have that

Yep, some people have that problem.

I agree with you. I know many

I agree with you. I know many have good relationships with divorced men. I could have worded differently...I’m just really hurt and overwhelmed right now

I know you're hurting and I'm

I know you're hurting and I'm so sorry. Please give serious thought to therapy and be gentle with yourself. You entered your relationship with the best intentions. Sometimes it works; sometimes it does not. All we can do is try. When it doesn't work, learn by what went wrong, know you tried, and concentrate on healing yourself. {{{hugs}}}

I feel preyed upon, duped,

I feel preyed upon, duped, and naive.

That's exactly how I felt. Exactly. So, what was wrong with ME? That's how we think, when the truth is there is nothing wrong with US.

I reached my breaking point and it got ugly. DH and I both started individual (not couples) therapy. Our primary issues were not as a couple, but as individuals. He needed to find his balls and I needed to stop being a doormat.

Individual therapy saved our marriage. We've been married 15 years and happy. We still have our challenges periodically around some of the same old issues, but our relationship is healthy and loving.

If it's not working, change it. I was ready to walk and would have if DH hadn't worked hard to become the partner I needed.

What's scary about individual

What's scary about individual therapy, especially, is that you never know what kook therapist (there are many) you might get who encourages you to get divorced, not try harder or to concentrate on what YOU might be doing wrong...or right. The therapist might be the one who seals the doom when there may have been a chance with quality strategizing.

OP, you're not the first good

OP, you're not the first good woman to fall for the love bombing bait and switch. The world has many toxic people in it, and sometimes life puts one in our path because there are lessons we need to learn. You've learned that if it feels crazy it probably is, and that lesson will serve you well when you start dating again.

One GOOD thing about your bf being so much older than you is, you know he's likely not capable of change, so you don't have to waste time giving chances and trying to fix things. This is who he is, this is who his kids are, and they will all continue to marinade in their toxic soup for the rest of their lives.

There are good men out there. Men who aren't emotionally hamstrung, who are able to uphold their end of a healthy relationship. You are a single woman with no children, which makes you a smart choice in the dating game. You WILL heal from this experience, and you CAN find love again. The holidays can be a hard time of year and I know you've been stressed about job cutbacks, but hang in there. Work on getting stronger, and moving on. That's the very best Christmas present you could give yourself.

Thank you so very much for

Thank you so very much for this <3 I have never been so confused in my entire life. Definitely has felt crazy, and it is!!!

Confusion is always a tell

Confusion is always a tell tale sign that something is wrong. Pay heed.

Eighteen months is survivable.

You've only been a member of STalk for an hour so I'll keep my comments brief. Agree with others that steplife can be hell but it can work, if the problems aren't so severe. Compartmentalizing (or disengaging) works for many of us and keeps us in our relationships. Primarily because other than the step issues, many of us do have good relationships.

After 18 months you know what you know about this man - he is not right for you. Don't waste another day with this WRONG man when you could be with the RIGHT man.

Agree

" ... steplife can be hell but it can work, if the problems aren't so severe ... "

This is true. I think, though, that in the majority of cases, potential steps are putting themselves in harm's way. The divorce statistics (from The Stepfamily Foundation) on second marriages that involve children tell the tale: 66% of them break up. Those are some nasty odds.

What makes "the problems not so severe"? I'm guessing these three items are essential:

1. The female partner's financial resources are at least equal to those of the man;

2. The female partner is willing and able to assert authority; and

3. The male partner is not in thrall to his spawn or ex.

Yes, I know. Not all men. Sometimes the sexes are reversed. I'm speaking from my own experience. Also please note, the majority of people coming here looking for advice or a place to vent are female, so yeah, my advice is aimed at them.

Now that the disclaimers are out of the way ... I had problems with items 2 and 3 during the first years of my second marriage. Things did not begin to straighten out until I got the nerve to say, "This is some BS happening right here and it's going to stop." And I meant it. This is not easy to do, and apparently 2/3 of people in second marriages cannot pull it off. Odds are, you're one of them. Yes, you, right there, reading this. Run, or better still, do not get involved in the first place.

Curious about your #1.

I feel like many of my problems in step-life have been because I am financially equal / better off financially than my DH. Much better off in the early years when you took CS into account.

This caused me to feel great resentment because I felt like my resources during some of my most important earning and saving years were going to subsidize someone else's kids...DH didn't live within HIS means where it concerned the kids because #3, I had disposable income because #1, and I let the resentment fester because #2.

I got better at #2, DH got MUCH, much better at #3...but I still feel some resentment about #1. Still feel like I'm doing the heavy lifting financially.

I'd greatly prefer it if my DH were great with money and making a ton of it and I could be the one who pursues passion projects and doesn't worry about the budget for once...would be a nice change.

Finances

My statement is based on the idea that the person who has the resources (money, in this context as in so many others) has the power. Admittedly this is not a very kum-ba-ya way of looking at things, but I think the viewpoint has merit. Too many women go into marriages shy on the guts and money everyone needs to survive, especially to survive steplife.

Like yours, my finances were affected badly by SS. It was indirect. I helped DH financially--kept him fed, housed, and out of arrears on his child support--when, early in our relationship, he lost his job and went through 36 months of retraining to work in another industry. So I am well aware of what it feels like to be the host to a brood parasite (looking at you, BM, and you, snotty SS). I am so sorry this happened to you. There's nothing you can do to get back the time and energy that should have gone toward making life better for you and yours.

Like you, I resent the way the DH-SS-BM trio used me. I don't expect ever to heal from that. I have arranged my financial affairs so that DH can have free use of what is mine, but he will never own any of it. Left to his own devices, he would give everything he has to SS. Cost me a bundle for the lawyer, and I have to be careful not to let DH know how things are set up. But I sleep easy knowing that no more of my resources are going to SS.

I have accepted that I'm probably stuck with my resentment and its corrosive effect on my marriage. (Which by the way is pretty decent, considering that DH has to be kept in the dark regarding about a third of what's important to me.) It's been some time since I've expected life to be all rainbows and sunshine, so I'm OK with this. I've largely been able to counter any sourness with the satisfaction of knowing that SS is going to scream blue murder when he finds out what his unrelenting snottiness has cost him. Not very neighborly of me, I know.

Congratulations on your success with #2 and #3. Good on ya. Keep it up. You need all the backbone you can muster to get through the BS that is step life.

Thank you very much for this!

Thank you very much for this!!!<3 I have wasted time on this man, he may physically be with me more than any of them, but his family is his first priority. They have gotten the security and all of his commitment.

Boostgal has been posting

Boostgal has been posting here for over a year. For some reason she deleted her first account.

Her problem is her bf is much older than her, hails from dysfunction, has a dysfunctional relationship with his mother, has raised his adult kids to be helpless and dysfunctional, and wants Boost to accept all that as normal. He lovebombed her, promising marriage and a baby far too early in order to capture her before she realized how screwed up he is and ran for the hills.

Boost doesn't know her own worth, but she has recognized that this is one screwed up bunch. I'm rooting for her, because I KNOW she can find happiness and peace elsewhere.

<3 <3

Bootsgal

I booted my exDH out and he ran straight into BM and snotty bitch SD's arms. You know what...I hurt, I felt betrayed , I cried, I swore like a biker you name it. GUESS WHAT?! Peace comes once you exit the toxic.

If I can do it anyone can. Seriously you will not regret it.

Thanksgiving I was alone and it was the most peaceful one in ten years. I am actually looking forward to Christmas, the first time in over 10 years. Life is good when you arent dreading occassions but actually looking forward to them.

You can do it!

Wow!! Giving me hope! I’m

Wow!! Giving me hope! I’m starting to feel like I can do it too.

I love your spirit,

I love your spirit, Stepdrama2020. You always inspire me even though I haven't mustered up the cajones to take the leap myself!

Missingme

You will, when you are ready. The pride, the freedom, and peace you will feel after will remind you that you did good.

The peace that comes after leaving is amazing!

First of all, you're a wonderful writer!

I relate so much to everything you described in your post. I left my relationship with my SO about 6 weeks ago. The first 4 weeks were terrible, and I had trouble doing much else other than lying in bed.

But now...now I feel free. It is the most wonderful feeling. I have my life back. And I know in my heart I will never, ever date a single father again, even if it means being single for the rest of my life. The pain and suffering is not worth it.

I found this quote a few weeks ago that you might like..."What if rather than making a commitment to someone else, you made a commitment to yourself? Consider making a promise to accept, love, and cherish yourself for better or for worse, for sickness and in health, with a partner or without, for as long as you live."

My focus now is going to be on committing to myself and my own health and happiness. I even ordered myself a ring online, kind of like I'm engaged to myself! Haha :) When I was committed to my ex, I betrayed myself. I was SO unhappy and an anxious wreck. I wanted to get the ring to wear so I could remind myself that my priority is to take care of myself first, and then to share my love with someone else.

You WILL make it through this!! :) I wish you all the best!

I love it! Buy your own ring

I love it! Buy your own ring to remind you of your commitment to yourself. That's some good advice!

I really needed a reminder to

I really needed a reminder to do this after this breakup. I figured that wearing something would be a good way to keep it at the top of my mind...and when my ex texted me, I would legit look at the ring and say to myself - nope! Don't respond, don't get sucked back in, lol

Love the ring and self commitment idea!

....I think I need a new ring now. Maybe a little holiday gift to me!! *wink*

Heck yes!

Love it, you totally should! And it's perfect timing too with the holidays being around the corner

Thank you so so much...I love

Thank you so so much...I love writing :)

I agree with Kathleen, you're

I agree with Kathleen, you're a great writer. All the best to you as you muster up the courage to free yourself.

Boostgal, you can do it!!!

Peace

Follow after peace. I gave my dh of 8 months many chances to show me he could defend me to his evil daughter and ex who he feels he needs to communicate with even tho the kids are adults. I wanted to be one on her to have success and see dh turn toward me. I even filed for dissolution hoping it would shock him to change.

Nope. Can't make anyone change. Enmeshment is a powerful and insidious thing. Skids n ex wife are who he chooses and they are abusive to me. He abuses me by proxy through them, his flying monkeys. It's hard to make sense of why he does as they use him, disrespect him, abuse his wife besides other reallly bad things. Check out my former posts.

I think my soon to be ex is a covert narcissist. Narcissists make you feel like a queen at the beginning and once they "got" you the abuse starts. You spend the marriage hoping he will return to the person you first met. He never will. That was his fakery to make you hooked. We buy it because we don't believe another person can be evil. No one teaches us this stuff. Truth is, personality disordered ppl exist and can not really love you.

Look up enmeshment. Narcissism. I agree with never dating a man with children. I never want to take the chance again that he would be so enmeshed with them that he just can not see me. I only exist when skids are not around. Not ok with me. When skids are around, life is hell. Can he make them stop yes. But he chooses not to. He made his choice. I won't be thrown under the bus anymore. I love myself more than that.

I wish my stbx was a man with balls who could live right. But he is addicted to the drama of his first family, it's all he knew n lived for 25 years. He isn't gonna change overnight or even ever.

I gave him 8 months of my precious life. EVERY DAY I was anxious...what drama emergency will these adult children have today? How much money will he ask me for today to pay bills because he literally gave his ex wife more than he really can afford. He pays sds rent, I thought things would be better when 23 yo sd moved out. NOPE. Worse.

It isn't your fault hon. We were deceived. Then treated like crap. You have to decide how valuable peace is to you.

I left for the last time a week ago. Dissolution no. 2 filed. Living with a friend. The PEACE AND FREEDOM I feel tells me everything.

If you need confirmation on your relationship call domestic violence and ask if what you are in is abuse. Get all the info you need to assure yourself that you should stay or go.

If he is a narcissist you will need to learn how to go no contact after you leave. He will love bomb, or get angry to try to win you back. This is called hoovering. Abusers hate to lose their cat toy.

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is an excellent book showing that abusers rarely change (3%) because abusers like the benefits of abuse.

Please do what it takes to take care of you. If you stay, build support n counseling. If you decide to go, learn as much as you can on how to just go no contact n block his texts. Mine can only email me.

Mine is saying he will change. I laugh. I gave him 8 months...cancelled a dissolution to give him that chance. Guess what? His bond with his hirrible sd AND ex wife is too strong. He showed me, again, who cones first. I felt stupid for staying n now I know I should have let the first dissolution go through as ppl on here said to do. No, I needed to get abused again to know for sure.

I call it abuse because I am basucally asked to swallow poison. His dd dies nothing wrong. His ex can do what she wants cuz we feel sorry for her. Its ok for ss to bring fentynol to our house, etc.

Nope. My boundaries are not important and werw constantly violated. Simple ones like sd not going in our bed room to talk with her dad. Don't parade around in slut clothes in front of your dad. Etccc.

I love the peace. The freedom to never have to deal with him n his evil first family. Ask a counselor about the chances if him changing.

Life us short. I couldn't take the daily triggers, anxiety, triangulation, gaslighting, emotional incest, actual incest, ex wife on our property cuz her name us on our house, just so much. Too much. 2 times he left the bed during sex to run to meet sds emergency. Once she just wanted ti adk a trivial question, once she couldn't find eye drops. Nothing life or death. But tgat EVEN SEX was not as important as his princess. Sick.

If you decide to go don't tell him. Take your time to stash money n make a plan. You will know when you are ready.

I felt stupid too. How could I pick another narcissist? I need to learn why I do that n heal. So we made a mistake. But we were also deceived. If you knew then what you know now, would you ever have stayed with him? Not me, I would have ditched him. Now we know. I learned a lot, mostly to take care if me n my health. Abuse erodes your health, etc.

I hope the best for you. Learn n get help. Take care of you!!! Follow peace. If you don't have it now, try going away for a week like to a hotel. See if your peace returns. That's your answer.

PS sorry for typos

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