Hello i'm kc_universe73, i'm new here and I NEED to vent to someone anyone, these are my logs of situations and feelings that i keep privately on my phone, but as I mentioned before I need to get this out of my chest,

i'm looking forward to any advice.

I don’t know what to do.

J = Hubby

A = Ss

I let J know that If he was planning on making an ultimatums to let me know, “kc_universe73, why don’t you leave or go live with your dad or grandparents”, or is in doubt whether to give up or kick me out HOWEVER WHATEVER way he wants to put it, that I’d need to be searching for someone to pick me up.

It's easy for J to jump and judge and criticize of everyone and anything, but when someone else does it to him he gets very defensive , that’s where his son learns it from.  J doesn't let the other party finish speaking but when someone else does it to him it’s a lack of respect and eventually instead of agreeing both on something he ends up getting his way. I lose the will to argue and just let him ramble. There's always something to fight about even if it’s the stupidest. It's getting to the point where it's getting irritable.  If i do go back to my gramps, first things first, getting a job, because I won’t have enough scholarship money to finish my studies, save up to continue studies or move to Indiana or Colorado, to work in US Forest service or national parks.

 

We used to have the same taste in music now, it’s what HE wants to listen and that only is allowed, he criticizes the music everyone else listens to...  I also used to skateboard EVRYDAY, one day he brought a new board to the classroom, and now I feel he bought his skateboard just to lure me in. I don't know how long i can take this, or how long he'll stand me. i hate having to repeat talking about my traumas about me and my fam. I may not like how they can get sometimes but that's on them and they're still my family.

I also don't like how he jokes about a man or woman being transgender or the lgbtq+, and use phrases like " don't be a GIRLYMAN”, in 2019 when I told him about my sexuality (bi) he didn't want to continue the relationship, so I felt emotionally obligated to not be myself because "our love is greater?"

LOYALTY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEXUALITY.

 

28-04-22

My head has been floating away in its thoughts lately. I want J to be better in health (Cancer he was diagnosed September 2021), I would like to finish my studies, I would like to get a job. My thoughts on our relationship: He is a great man, he is sweet caring, loves education, great father, he spoils the kid too much. He can be manipulative, he gets his way, he loves to always be right he doesn't apologize or admits when he is wrong, he doesn't trust anyone, yet neither do I. We have differences such as:

◦            Accepting my sexuality and others specifically transgender men & women.

                   ✒
 He didn’t accept my sexuality, he said if I was bisexual he did not want to continue with our relationship, so I let myself down and I denied my sexuality. LOYALTY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEXUALITY.

◦            Being brought up as a kid.

✒
 the way our families are.

◦               Suddenly, his love for skateboarding disappeared. (Because it probably takes my attention from him)

◦            My fear is that he’ll agree to separate if I can afford to pay him back for everything, he’s ever given me during these years. (With what money)     

◦          J changed his mind about having kids. I wouldn’t have kids of my own with him either now that I’ve seen who and how J really is.

◦               J doesn’t want me to work or work/study anymore

 

and it is most likely due to these differences that I've come to accept the fact of separating if it arrives to that point. That I would need to search for a place near the campus, a job to pay rent, my studies, a phone bill and most likely for dog food. Where's my mind? Why am I here? What do you/I want?

I feel loved. I have a family with J, the kid and the dogs. Did I make a mistake or not? Was J meant to be just MY big clump of life lessons, or is it? I married this man because of how open I’ve been with him; he chose me after all the crap I’ve been in and through. Yet the same crap I was open about, he uses against me in conversations and shames me for it.

I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life

 

02-June-2022

Second time he says “I don’t want to do this anymore”

 

10-June-2022

I don’t know how long this will last.

 

 12-june-2022

Help, I feel I just can’t take it anymore.

This is not what I wanted.

 

14-June-2022

The only thing keeping me here is for the kid’s happiness. Anal dad and psycho lazy Mom. Poor kid.

 

19-June-2022

(What triggered this thought and feeling?) ⬇️

J saying that I don’t want to be here because ⬇️

I miss my family… a lot.

 

So it’s Fathers Day and we picked up A to spend the day with him mini golfing, he is 12 yrs old…He had the most insane MELTDOWNSSS, at the end of the day we dropped him back with his BM.

So its about 7 pm and  J is asking what we should eat for dinner. I tell him, “I don’t know what would you like?” He originally had plans to go this afternoon to Carbon y Leña or De campo al Norte which are two great restaurants for great criollo food. But no, he orders a chicken Caesar salad at Applebee’s, and they didn’t even put the chicken in it…

I showed him we had left-over stir-fried noodles and he said no, so then he says, “I’ll make myself a sandwich,” no loaf of bread in the fridge but there was bread in the freezer. J says, “ ugh I won’t have anything and go to bed then.” Well ok I don’t have much appetite so whatever. J went to the bedroom, and I stayed on the couch just writing here in notes this conversation that just happened, and my thoughts brought me back to my family.

I went to the bedroom washed my face and brushed my teeth. As soon as a got in bed, he left and started making his stupid ass sandwich and now HAHA listen to this AND NOW He’s all happy, and goes to the bedroom and he wants me to get up and eat sandwich with him “BECAUSE HE CAN’T AFFORD THE LUXURY OF BEING DEPRESSED…”

Now he came in the room, and he says “come with me to eat” and I said “I don’t have much appetite I washed my face and brushed my teeth already. “

 

His reply, ”oh yeah thanks, what a great way to finish Father’s Day.”

 

27-June-2022

J’s asking about how my mother will behave or family will act around us when we visit. Like wtf… I can’t even explain what I’m feeling right now. I’m in so much pain from all the emotional traumas I’ve been through. And I feel like when he says” why don’t you just visit them alone” because I want to visit with my husband and kid?????

“I don’t want to expose A(my stepson) to gentuza (riffraff’s) ?”

 Excuuuuuuse me??? YOU HAVENT EVEN MET MY FAMILY AND YOU’RE ALREADY JUDGING THEM?? DOING EXACTLY WHAT MY MOTHER DID TO YOU?

everything is starting to shine a little brighter every day.  I don’t mind quitting my studies and leaving, I do mind having to constantly feel this way. I don’t want to hurt him, I really do love him, but it’s always 24:7 judgment, trying to find the cats tail, away from family, no friends and I’m just tired. I’m getting too tired, emotionally exhausted. And I don’t know how or when to express this feeling to him.

 

27-June-2022

I’ve noticed the pattern.

J met Becky while going through the divorce with Marta, she was also a student of his. He even got almost the same ring band in pictures I saw of an old cd of theirs. I saw, meaning his computer was too updated and we used my old HP and was able to look at them. It looks exactly like the same wedding band we have. I don’t know what to think except maybe he’s the reason she’s the way she is now. The only difference is she trapped him into getting her pregnant. I don’t want to have kids now. What was I thinking. I followed my heart and I love him, and he loves me and is very sweet, but the other side of the coin I just can’t take it anymore. Last night after his conversation and him being a jerk (which I just either try to be indifferent or not say a word at all) he wanted to give me a hug. I stepped back slowly and said no, and then he dares to say to my face  that I was aggressive because I stepped back. I told him just because I didn’t want to hug doesn’t mean that I was being aggressive. There are too many red flags starting with the fact that 2 years ago he couldn’t accept me for who I was (bi) so I denied who I was.

 

18-07-2022

I finally told him “No wonder Sheila (last ex) left” I wasn’t even thinking about A when I said it. He’ can be a manipulative jerk. It’s all his way. It all must be the way he thinks is the ONLY way… A said these exact words to him once and I was appalled because,( I’ve never spoken this way out loud, I always write here or in my journal, he actually said It) but in my head  I was supporting his statement. He’s always suggesting I’m pointing fingers when I’m only putting the facts out there. But no “eso no es así” (that’s not how it goes” then, he says “you’ll just be happy when A is gone” the only point that he’s right is that I will be happy but it’s not the kids fault, it’s where he learns it from and unfortunately he comes from a Ph.D. Critical pessimist dad and a lazy mom, and you know what… I’m starting to see the good in it if it ever comes to that.

Everything is becoming clearer. Definite.

 

25-July-2022

Dad showed up in town out of nowhere, J said no to them stopping by the house. Calling them riffraffs again, of course.

Then he got into his questionnaire.

J asks if I want to just leave and go stay with them or my grandparents. I said no, and then he replied, “because you’re not happy here.” which  I did not confirm nor denied. He already made sure that he and A would be ok if I left, also said that if it arrives that I leave and A goes with his mom, he will end his life, this is not the first time he’s mentioned this, and I know that is manipulative.  I asked, “is this how you approached Sheila (the ex that left him before meeting me)?” Cause I’ve been here for a longer period in a year than Sheila has … she traveled various time over ONE year to stay to watch over her grandkids…

Something else I’ve noticed…. We went on Friday to Ponce (my Dads hometown), and I KNOW for a fact that j’s right about me being not happy… I smiled and laughed so much that MY CHEEKS WERE LITERALLY HURTING…. The sensation I feel on my face while being back home with J  is like literally flat and numbing.

 

Why can’t I let go… is this my lesson, God? You put a human being with so much love yet poisoned by other toxic people and then that person full of love spread that toxicity, so I can realize that I need to part myself from that?

 

01-08-22

I can’t take J’s in-attentional blindness when he hyper focuses on BM and her crap. I feel the only reason why I’m still here is for A. Cause man, between the two of them anyone would get anxious and even depressed.

But also, A gets spoiled and then he becomes bratty then he blames everyone else, and after everyone gives everything he wants and spend good energy on him in return we get sassy bratty jerk angry A.  So then when he tells me “You won’t be happy until A is gone” nop I’m happy WHEN he’s here. I get upset when he’s not.

 I don’t know why I’m afraid of letting go. I’ve grown on them; they’ve grown on me and it would be selfish? But I’ve also noticed there are a lot of things I used to do and now I don’t , things like admiring sunrises and sunsets, praying, listen and enjoying music, smile ( like a real smile not forced by myself to smile) skateboard, socialize, dancing alone in the bedroom or around the house ; I mean I don’t even have friends, I have new classmates and if I socialize with them, he makes me feel like he constantly questions my loyalty to him, and he lets me interpret his gestures it that way, we don’t even leave the house much…I’m sighing way too much, too often.

 

I have literally gotten to a point where I’m just too tired to get up, I’m sighing throughout the day. I’ve noticed this “flat face” sensation on my face and when We went to visit my dad in ponce and other family my cheeks were in pain from smiling so much. I haven’t told anyone the way I’ve been feeling I just keep private notes on my phone of the scenarios that occur.

 

04-08-2022

Never accepts when he’s wrong.

Doesn’t want me to do study/work like before.

I am not going to rely on just his money alone. For what? So that he can rub it on my face that my only source of income is through him? I cannot rely on 100$ bi- weekly, and that’s if he remembers.

 

05-08-22

J patted my leg, like a playful medium powered smack, like enough to call his attention about it,  in front of the kid, then I asked J to please not do that in front of the kid because he might see it as an invitation to do it as well. Instead of trying to understand this reason, his response was, “you and I play like that all the time” “You can’t make that general statement” or he talks over and talks about a COMPLETELY different topic, this what he tends to do most of the times that I want to bring something up relating to A’s attitudes. Then out of nowhere he 

J decides to bring up the past, (a relationship I ended because I found out the guy was married) Changing the context of physical touch or play into a different topic.

Why did you marry me J? Why did I marry you?

 If this is how it’s going to be Then I’m afraid this is where I’d need to draw the line. Now, it’s a matter of when am I going to stand up. When am I going to speak up about this? Till when will I pretend, I’m alright.

 

06-08-2022

I’m writing on the computer. Haven’t really Paid much attention to J today. I’m exhausted emotionally, I cannot deal with him today. I’m considering counseling at school because, I need to speak about this.  To a counselor, aunts, a friend, To J. My concern is J asking, “Why didn’t you come to me first?” “I knew something was up”. Well, I don’t know, maybe ptsd (because of how my mother would react to me or at me out of spite or anger when I was younger and even now) because I’m afraid to the reaction or to just the fact that I don’t even know how he will react.

 

07-08-2022

 I’m just going to write as I feel right now and how it manifests in my head. I’m not sure if we should continue this relationship. I think of how that can affect A, I think of how it can affect J specially now since he’s going through quemotherapies. My love for them is immense, but I also think there are things that I have not yet learned how to deal with, J’s constant criticism of everything and A’s moments, having to suck up his attitude and mischievous behavior, J tending to spoil him A LOT and when A’s attitudes rise, instead of calling him out on it he avoids to.  I don’t know if it’s because J’s afraid to call him out so many times that A would get frustrated enough to not want to live with him, or what. It’s catching up to me and I think that where I came from and then experiencing this as well, the only way I can describe it is using the word emotionally exhausted. I feel afraid as to what J’s reaction might be, or what things he’ll say to others, but honestly, I shouldn’t even pay attention to that. I can imagine J  saying something like, “And you think that leaving us is the way to learning how to deal with it?” “Giving up”.  How am I supposed to keep tolerating this? I mean I can’t tell you how to be J, or to change the way you are, same for A, I can’t change that. I’ve accepted the way you both are.

 

Yes J offers for me to go to places alone like surfing or to the park, but he says it in a way like I’m going to go off and cheat on him or that I’d prefer to do those things alone rather than with him,  as a matter of fact after being with J for like a month, we went to Walgreens and just because this one high school kid it appeared, he was running down the aisles and when he stopped and looked around, it caught my attention because he looked like he was looking for his family I don’t know maybe his sister pranked him or something WHATEVR and then J thought i was making eye contact and called it flirting.

 

J, we are more different than we thought.  I don’t want to be a hypocrite towards J, A and myself by continuing this relationship. I love them both immensely and his extended family has been so kind to me. They have been a huge blessing in my life, it gets hard too many times though because it’s always the same things.

 I want to thank him for every opportunity, lesson they’ve put in my life, for both  helping me grow as a person, for truly showing me that I can be my best self and worst, I do not know how I can repay him. These are my thoughts towards that, and it has been painful, but it’s the lesson God has put in-front of me and it’s letting go. God put a human being with so much love yet poisoned by other toxic people in my life and then that person full of love involuntarily spreads that toxicity, through insecurity, manipulations, using different linguistics and I cannot keep taking that in. It’s not a bad idea to get help, to go to therapies for his and A’s own well-being.  I chose to get help for my own well-being, and that it would help J and A. The longer I stay and continue with this, the more pain leaving will cause all of us.  If he wants me to pay back for anything I will gladly send him installments when I get a job.

 

08-08-2022

We spoke about the topics above except for a divorce and I feel a small weight lifted. Even though I feel more’s to come.

 

19/08/2022

It’s getting a little harder every day. Between the small arguments A attitude, his mom, J’s frustration, his cancer, me going back to school, it’s getting to me every day, I don’t want to think about losing him, but I don’t know how long I can keep up with all of this. I don’t want to quit studying I don’t want to be a burden for him either I don’t want to go because right now it’s really tough time for everyone how to say A, me, the family, I just want to be there for them. But it’s getting really hard. I lack motivation not a cheerful person as I was, especially in the mornings. I sometimes don’t feel OK talking about this to J because I feel he’ll I just don’t want to hurt his feelings plus what he’s going through.

I don’t want to tell my family because I don’t want them to worry about me. I just don’t know what to do I don’t know what to do. You’re so good people I love them with all my heart but they’re I just I can’t handle them I can’t I can’t live with the constant criticism of everything I understand questioning but it’s just constant and the kids just constantly attacking me too the most stupid way but I’m gullible and it gets to me and if I ask him for something he just doesn’t care disregards my role as a parent completely and he has to wait to his father and we spoke to him about it and A just doesn’t do anything. maybe this is my lesson. Maybe I shouldn’t have intervened in J’s life maybe I’m not supposed to be A maternal figure, maybe I’m not supposed to be what holds them together as a family. I feel like I’m just a glue that’s wearing off.

 

30/08/2022

 

I asked J around 10:30am if i could take the basketball with me next time i go at 7am to my phys ed class in college, to shoot hoops minutes before class… His reply was “Why do you want to call so much attention?” I … Then he said, “Why don’t you just stick to using the hacky sack that takes up more balance and consistency” … that was not my question though, and the fact that he replied the way he did , really made me feel bad. There is so much that i am limited of doing, i like sports, i like skateboarding, i like surfing, i can’t explain why he would make a big deal over me asking to take a basketball to shoot hoops for  5 minutes before class starts . There are many families that everyone in the nucleus do sports… i understand our current situation is not the same, but he can be a real jerk about it instead of using a different perspective… I once read this on a photo “You notice my attitude, but not your words or actions that caused it?” I need to get this off my chest, but the reason I have not spoken about this to J is because 1. he’s soon going to go through quemotherapies all over again, 2.the only thing that holds me from leaving is A, 3. I haven’t even spoken about this to my family…

He’s used the phrase to A, “Don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about”, “Don’t pay any attention to her she’s thinking ahead.” It just feels like a complete disregard of opinions I share to try to help, and my thoughts and opinions are valid thoughts and opinions. Also last week J said to A something like, “are you going to complain and be a princess about it…” and I stopped him right there “That is not the way to express yourself to Andrés, please use different words and say you’re sorry” That was not correct. And again, he did not want to recognize or admit he was in the wrong.

 

 

 

 

31/08/2022

He got desperate and angry because I was napping in the santuario (plant sanctuary room in the house). So, I got up took out bathroom trash and kitchen trash oh and made A’s soccer bag. He then asked, “should I bring and put away his clothes ?“ the ones that he also folded, I reply no, because A  has to be responsible if not for both folding and putting away, then he should at least put them away himself. “No never mind I’ll do it” he’s done it before after practice and folding. So, he brings his folded clothes, and starts to freak out, because J cannot find his physical ed pants. I checked the hamper; I checked in the laundry room I checked in OUR laundry basket and nothing. Through all of this I’m remained super calmed. I go to his room to see if maybe A tossed it behind the bean bag (he does this sometimes,) and what did I notice on the bean bag, his physical ed pants drawstring… LEADING TO A’s P.E. PANTS… J had no words he just acted as if he wasn’t desperate and crazy… he didn’t say thank you? Then he says, “you know why this happens? Because we’re (Me and A apparently) not organized, ….” He literally folded the pants, and you brought his clothes 10 minutes ago into his room… “You left your phone the other day he left his water bottle, I feel like I’m alone doing everything

 I say  “ I WAS PREPARING  HIS LUNCHBOX AND HE WOKE UP LATE, THATS WHY I LEFT MY PHONE, I make sure he brushes his teeth, I make sure he eats healthy, I make sure he eats enough berries in breakfast, I make sure he gets to express the way he feels and support him” when A himself realizes that he was being mean or rude, I’m the one to take you to your quemo therapies make you your Lipton soup when you want it, I don’t know what to do!!!! I want to continue studying, but how will I afford to do so!! He thinks he’s so superior and perfect and does everything right!

 

08-09-2022

Grab your popcorn…

J got childish pissed…

All because A measured J’s height with his iPad and it read 5’4 when he always says 5’7  and I said “See we are the same height and you always say you’re 5’7.

“A, that’s because she likes tall men”

WHAT ON GODS EARTH AM I DEALING WITH HERE????

I asked him to please not lack respect to me. And when we sat down to eat A says, “Dad aren’t you going to apologize to kc_universe73 for saying that she likes tall men.“

J then responds,” No, because she always just focuses on the looks and blah blah, “

So I ask J,” What does your unnecessary comment have to do, with A measuring your height… and it being 5’4?”

 

J and BM are still going through a custody battle,

Next week we have a pschologist appointment, should I present these notes to her privately? 

Reading you,

kc_universe73