Life in exile
I don't really know what to say, other than that I am now done. I feel so rejected and excluded- and it hurts.
I met my SO 10 years ago when we had both newly divorced. I had a toddler and he had two children in their late teens. I thought it might take some doing but we could all be a happy- ish family. Nope. Never met his adult children. The ex wife attends family functions whilst I am excluded. My SO's mother re-married and I am excluded because the ex wife and children are going. Not included when his daughter got married.....my LO is not remembered at birthdays or Christmas by my SO's mother and wider family. I've met them and I also live with my partner.
Now the daughter is probably going to spawn soon and I am feeling sick and tired of the situation and a little jealous, which I am not proud to admit. My SO hardly has time for us as a family as things stand after work, squash and his band. He lives life in compartments with his family and us....now throw in grandchildren....there's just no room for me and my LO. I'm ten years I haven't met his children and now grandchildren. I feel like I was a place holder. Sure, I know my SO isn't attracted or wanting to rekindle something with the ex wife but the old family dynamics are the same. I feel like he has his family and we were a distraction or whatever we are. He keeps us compartmentalised and hasn't created the boundaries and respect from the offset. Grandkids will seal this further and bring his ex wife even more into the picture. I can already see the family meals or zoo outings with the grandparents and baby whilst we sit at home. I can't even understand what happened or what this is.
I know it cuts deep and I don't feel like we are up front and his family, with all included into it. Actually, It is the opposite and he seems okay with it. I've explained how I feel and dread when grandchildren turn up.
I think my relationship is over and it's time to let go. This is where our journey finishes.
Anyone else in this situation? I didn't sign up to playing second fiddle.
Oh my goodness. You must
Oh my goodness. You must feel like some sort of dirty secret, a mistress, second class citizen, etc. Are his children and/or ex demanding this exclusion?
You're smart to get out before any grandchildren arrive because it will just get worse.
I have no idea, having never
I have no idea, having never met them. They are somewhat entitled and bratty. The daughter apparently didn't approve of her grandmother re-marrying after 15 years as she wasn't over her grandfather passing yet....but she gets married herself the following year and demands $30k from her father, despite owing their own house and loving together. Paints a picture.
And let me guess...SD's
And let me guess...SD's husband was welcomed into the family with open arms? It's always such a double standard.
Of course he was. SD, husband
Of course he was. SD, husband my SO and ex wife and SS often all have meals together. He hangs out with my SO....just I'm not ever included. Like I said, can't wait for the grandkids to arrive. I don't mind saying now, I feel jealous and one other poster nailed it- 'divorce guilt and Disneyland dad/grandad syndrome.' Accurate.
Yes the guilty daddy syndrome
Yes the guilty daddy syndrome. Unfortunately they have zero guilt when it comes to how they treat us...
I Navigate a Difficult Situation
but nothing with what you have had to deal with. Honestly, I cannot imagine why you are still with this man.
You have taken 10 years of rejection and hurt by an SO...SIGNIFICANT OTHER... who has treated you as a SECOND HAND OTHER. I'd turn him back over to his family because honestly...he never left them....and as Catmom said, you are some sort of dirty secret. No woman should ever accept that treatment. My heart hurts for you. Please take care of you and your child....he/she is watching you and learning how to interact in relationships. You don't want that child thinking this kind of treatment is okay to give or to accept. Hugs.
This person is not your
This person is not your partner. Life is too short not to value it and you deserve so much better than the crappy leftovers he's been feeding you.
Take your life back, you'll feel so much better and your child needs to feel important in someone's life.
It's one thing for a spouse
It's one thing for a spouse/SO to do things alone with their kids but not you. To do things with their kids and ex is another thing entirely. The first would be difficult to handle but the ex part - nobody wants to live that way.
Don’t know how
You live this way. He not a SO. He cares about his first family more then you
Reading through….
I needed to hear some perspective. I felt that 'he never really left' his first family. I think we distracted him through a messy divorce but are surplus to requirements now. There have been so many instances of hurt and upset. I wouldn't know where to begin to bore you with details.
Right now, I'm in hospital. I had a fall from figure skating. He's looked after my LO and prioritised band practice and his up-coming gig when I desperately needed toiletries, fresh clothes etc...support.
intrally don't feel a couple or family unit. He makes me feel like it's a huge deal looking after my LO and I never get a break. On one hand it's the only dad my LO knows which makes it alL the more harder to understand. I'm very confused about it all. Why be with someone all these years if you don't want that etc? Seems counterproductive.
I appreciate everyone's support and answers. Thank you so much.
Ela..... My condolences on the ephiphany that your DH is a
a failed partner for as well as a failed man and father to his failed first family.
I hope you are recovering well from your fall.
Like you, I cannot understand a person who raises a young child as their own then takes exception to the presencr of that still young child.
I raised SS-31 as my own. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He is mine. I am his dad. My incredible bride and I raised him together within a strong intact living family demonstrating how a strong quality marriage works, and being a successful dad and successful mom to him.
Please do not equivocate on moving on. IMHO, that is best for you, and for your LO. If hopefully STBXH decides to claim daddy status, don't forget to nail him for CS if he gets visitaiton with your daughter.
Be kind to yourself.Live well and pursue your new life adventure. That is what is best for you and for your LO IMHO.
And... it is also the best revenge.
Enjoy living your revenge.
Thank you. As I type I have
Thank you. As I type I have just had the jerk tell me he's too busy to collect me from hospital now and I'll have to wait until later. I'm never a priority to him. I've sat in dirty clothes with no essentials for days but I should be thankful because he took my LO to band practice with him last night as it's a priority for him over visiting me and bringing clothes. I'm off to get a train and make my own way home. Talk about slap in the face. I'm done. You're right. He's a massive looser.
I am beyond incensed.
Make sure to make your departure as painful and expensive as possible for him.
Save yourself and your child from this toxic moron and his shallow and polluted gene pool.
Holy F! He left you are the hospital because he is too busy to come get you?
I'm home now and resting. I
I'm home now and resting. I'll be off the ice/figure skating for a little while. Compressed nerves in my spine. At least I have one- a spine that is. I am definitely of the mind to skip town and relocate somewhere else. I'd love ideas how to make it expensive for him, but can't think off the top of my head. That made me laugh! If I win the lottery lol.
If you have met the standards for common law marriage,
you could get half.
Get an attorney and see what your options are.
I'm sorry. You don't need
I'm sorry. You don't need him in your life.
What does LO stand for
Thanks in advance
I'm guessing "Little One"
I'm guessing "Little One" meaning her child?
I could never live this way
I would come before the ex BM. If my SO ever attended a function with the ex leaving me home . The relationship would be over. I the beginning of my. Relationship, My SO took the kids and herself, went to visit BF. By themselves. Telling me after. First time I said I didn't like that. Second time I said ..you pick .. This is going to stop. One way or another.. It stopped. They divorced, they don't play Happy Fanily "
Exactly. I did have the same
Exactly. I did have the same conversation at the start because he was having these chats on the phone with his ex. I pointed out that I am fine if he wished to reconcile and he needs to go ahead or tell her he's in a relationship- which he did,reluctantly. Back then it was the first phases of love so he was gushing and willing to do what it took. Now...not so much.
You can't divorce and carry on the same family dynamics and stuff as before. You have to also show any children it is now different and lead the way. He never did and now the usual is me and my LO are excluded and an appendage; not his "real" or first family. His ex wife actually told him off because he had two families to support now and I corrected him, inasmuch that he only has one, which his two children are included in, because he's divorced now.
All a bit sucky, really. Stuff off bad day time tv.
I am horrified and disgusted
I am horrified and disgusted that he cares so little for you. The "man" is a prize pig.
Find yourself another place for you and your child to live, plan for everything to happen in one afternoon if possible, if not, one day. Ship all of your belongings, everything you have paid for out of his place and into yours. Leave without a ripple. I wonder how long it will take him to notice your are gone?
You've sacrificed enough for him. Take your power back.
My gosh
No one deserves to be treated the way he treats you. I don't understand why you've stayed with him for so long but I'm sure you've got your reasons. It blows my MIND that he never introduced you to his kids! What was his answer when you asked why he never introduced you to them...I'm sure you have asked that. His relationship with his 1st family is very bizarre as well. Are you sure he truly is divorced? It's as if your a mistress that his 1st wife tolerates on some level. You will be in my prayers. I hope you find your way safely out.
He says that it wasn't the
He says that it wasn't the right time after his divorce as they were barely speaking to him.....now it's that we aren't as stable and "why would he." He's evasive mostly. He's definitely divorced as we I've seen the paper work.
There’s something very off with this guy
I pray you have a safe way out and exit asap.
Me too and thank you. I have
Me too and thank you. I have had a whole truck load of vilness in the last 48 hothours. Apparently, it's okay to like other women's photos on social media and let them know their hot- that I am mad for it being an issue. I am also told to get lost and to find someone else and just go or that I am in the way of him finding someonelse- he's tried.....but I have taken it all wrong. As an educated, together, not too shabby woman, I feel foolish and stupid. I am tired of this circus and want out. That I do know, I have come away for some peace this weekend and to rest- because I can guarentee it shan't be happening at home.
This guy isn't even trying to
This guy isn't even trying to make it work with you.
He’s gross
And a coward. Please keep us updated.
You be strong and follow
You be strong and follow through because you deserve better! I understand it's hard to leave someone after 10 years and if it is painful do whatever will make it easier. Think about you, cause no one else is... This is not the kind of man you want to be growing old with. He's treating you like a girlfriend he isn't serious about, which after 10 years is just morally wrong. He's not going to be thinking of you, you'll be completely reliant on your LO if this continues another decade.
Be safe and take care of you.
((HUGS))
I am SO SO SO sorry you are going through all of that. And there is a child involved. You and your child need better, deserve better. You do. You ARE better. You are better than him, do not fall in for his gaslighting of you. Ive read this before - they ALL say this. His narcissism is showing itself through those woeds. Holding him back? From WHAT? I suspect he might be a cheater, but thats the last thing you need to worry about.
Do you live together? Do you have joined finances? If you do not live together and finances are separate, start pulling away. Your child is watching you and learning from this.
Get out while hes making it easy, but telling you the BS of what and who you are to him...
He doesnt love you, not in a healthy normal way. He loves himself first. His band 2nd, his other children next and so on. You and your bio dont even register. But you MATTER!
10 years and never brought you into his life. Always kept on sidelines. Like a mistress affair partner. Which, who knows, the guys a total turd and he might have cheated on the ex with you and now you are presented as the "horrible person who broke up the family"...
None of that matters at this point from what youve presented, you dont have anything to work with.
Sending you healing prayers.
SHAME on him and how dare ALL
SHAME on him and how dare ALL of them! You know you will do much better without this nonsense in your life. Be done with him and work to forget about him and his Beverly Hillbillies truckload of baggage and dysfunction as soon as you can. You will be a new person--a FREE new person. My heart aches for you yet is also so happy for you that you have chosen to do better with your life!
Is it possible
That he is still married, separated only? Why keep you apart so completely? Have you demanded proof he is divorced. Something is not right here.
Ten years is a long time
To live with that way. Be kind to yourself and make your exit plans. Get your finances in order, secure a place to stay and get your things moved. If you bought it, take it with you...down to the light bulbs, loaf of bread, anything and everything. Move things into short term storage if you need to so you don't have to go back once you're ready to be physically moved out.
You sound extremely strong and you must have been to go through this for so long, but now direct that strength into rebuilding your life and prioritize your own needs. I can't say enough how awful this sorry excuse for a man has behaved! Big hugs!!!!
Wow - take back your life.
This is the time to realize that life is short - move onward to your own happiness. No one should have to endure this BS. No partner or non-partner is worth this....just make a plan, evaluate your finances and make an exit strategy then GO! Run Forrest Run! Life is too short. A huge hug and just take your life back - they don't deserve you, but you deserve your best self!