First Families and wives always come first. That's what I meant to say.
That's my own experience and it's left me pretty much done in. I'm done with it all. The whole lot of them and my SO can take a running jump. Finally had it.
It felt like that for us the first few years of our marriage. Of course, the ex was pushing hard for that--she needed to stay front and center and super relevant. It was awful. She actually told me I was "welcomed to the family." Sounds nice, right? She meant I was Wife 2 and would always, in her plan, come second. I was completely supportive of DH being an active, engaged dad. I wanted him to be. The problem was that she came with the package, would accompany them on outings, would call constantly "for" the kids (especially when the daughter stopped speaking to us), and was purposely disruptive to our lives. (The kids were adolescents, not toddlers.) We saw a psychologist who told us something that finally hit home with DH: 1) YOUR MARRIAGE COMES FIRST and 2) YOU NEED TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE TO THE KIDS REGARDING WHAT A MARRIAGE IS AND WHAT BOUNDARIES ARE--KIDS DON'T RUN YOUR LIVES. Do not set an example that you will be run over, that you're a puppet, or that there is this "behind the scenes" marriage that never really ended. That behavior (his ex's insistence that they as a unit would always be front and center and that she would be involved in everything) also gives kids the hope that their parents will reunite. It's a terribly difficult situation and I don't blame you at all for feeling "done." There were at least a few times I was ready to walk myself. DH finally recognized that his "first family" did not want him to have a life outside of them, but at the same time, they really didn't respect him very much or want him around all that much, after all. "I don't want you but nobody else can have you."
If an X or a mate's X played the "welcome to the family" crap with my mate or me, I would be brutal in the response "You are no longer family with my mate and will never be a member of my family. You are irrelevant, at most you are part of the past. I am the present and my mate and I are the future. Crawl back under your rock."
Adjust for the offending X. Whether yours or the mate's.
When an X oversteps and is PASing the Skids, the Skids need the message that there other parent is not a part of this paren't family but the Skids are. Of course the other parent is part of the Skid's family, but those familes are distinctly separate and the Skid is the one that transitions between the two.
Hmmm I'm seeing this. I was interested in others' experiences. I suspect some second marriages are great and both spouses are extremely supportive. Just curious.
His first wife and family happened first.. but they don't always "come first".. or they shouldn't.
Parents have a primary obligation to support their minor children.. in front of supporting any other person, including an adult spouse.. that includes paying CS to an EX. So.. minor children are a primary responsibility and obligation.. (first family or not). and that obligation comes before other people..
BUT.. that is not saying that their children from a prior relationship are always the PRIORITY.. their wants and schedules merge into the larger family environment.. sometimes kids won't get what they want.. or get to go where they want to go.. if another family member has a competing need or want.
For Adult children (unless they are otherwise really dependent.. like have some disability).. that primary obligation goes away.. after that point.. it is the parent's nuclear family unit at their home that takes precedent for financial resources...
But.. looking at your other post.. your So has a LOT of things he places in priority over his relationship with you.. his kids are only part of that. Being in a band.. playing Squash.. perhaps maintaining other friendships.. when you add all that.. he has precious little left to give you.. and THAT is caused more by his determination to keep up with all the other things.. too
All so very true. We actually have no mutual interests, he rarely takes me out minus my LO and I struggle to work, parent, keep the house nice, let alone squeeze in the rate bit of training for skating or gym.....the first break from my child has been the last three days in hospital. I'm just so done now.
It should not be this way. Just because we chose to marry someone with and ex and kids, we should not be subjected to shunning, disrespect, rudeness, being ignored, etc. especially in our homes, where we should feel safe. But way to many women (and men) have to play second fiddle to not just stepkids, but ex's and other family members...who wreak havoc in our lives.
I get all the "responsibilities" of being a parent with young kids...even adult kids....and their place in the family dynamics. I do NOT see the acceptance of "crap" behaviors directed at me simply because DH deals with Divorce Guilt (unwarranted most times) and Disneyland Dad Syndrome. (Thankfully, we've settled that mess in my world).
I wish you the best. Take this as a great lesson, learn from it and when you get back into dating, make yourself a list......traits and behaviors you wnat to find and those you will not tolerate. Best to you.
So true. You had me at 'Divorce guilt' and Disneyland dad syndrome.' That about sums it all up. He cheated over a period of time with someone my age (I'm 14 years younger), confessed, was thrown out and the rest is history. Apparently, he was wining and dining his ex before we met, according to his mother. Who knows. I just get the feeling, that his ex threw him out (understandably) and wanted to make him suffer, with every intention of telling him he can come back.....except he enjoyed living separately and then met me. It's all drama. Who needs this.
It's not always the case, but it happens WAY to often that a woman will get fed up with a man's BS and divorce him. He then rushes out to find a new woman to add to his life and help with his kids, but he's still pining for the life he had before. He's often so afraid to piss off the first wife or fears "losing the love of his kids" that he falls over himself to do whatever they like or pay for whatever they want.
But, too often, the new wife's role is bedwarmer, bill payer, laundry lady, cook and cleaner.
He was divorced for a reason and it seems like he's doing a bang up job on heading towards another divorce.
They will continue to allow the first family sabotage their current family which further reinforces to that first family you are 2nd, beneath them and last.
my husband realised if he didn't address the disrespect from sd's or put them in their place that i am his wife, his current and forever and that he was happy with me, building a future with me, that we would end up in divorce.
he made a promise to himself if he married again he wouldn't let it fail but realised the same shit was causing issues. Cow towing to the exwife and their 2 daughters and at the time ss, was sabotaging our marriage and hubby knew if i left, his kids from the first family would ditch him do quick
My incredible bride of 29+ years was never married to my SS's Spermidiot. As a single teen mom she had full physical and legal custody from birth.
Our blended family is pretty much the Unicorn of blended famlies/second marriages. Only one us bought human baggage to the marriage, SS-31 was 15mos old when we met. We married the week before he turned 2yo. So we raised him together.
IMHO, the secret is that the spouses are equity life partners, as equity life partners the partners are also equity parents to any kids in the mariage regardless of kid biology. The spouses are the top priority and they and their relationship always come first for each other. Minor children are the top adult responsibility but never the priority. They benefit from a strong adult relationship. They get no say in it, or in anything else in the blended home.
Standards of behvior and standards of performance have to be established and enforced for children in a blended marriage. Whether those kids are minors or adults.
Xs, get no say, and have no place or standing in the blended marriage. It is critical that the spouse with the X keeps that X under control and diligently enforces discipline, standards of behavior, and standards of performance with their progeny. They have a duty of care to keep their baggage from damaging their mate and the relationship that they and their mate have together.
Not rocket science, keep it simple, and make each other the priority.
Exactly this. It's common sense. Sadly, it takes two strong people to make it happen and not a spouse with divorce guilt, trying to buy approval and lacking the spine to actually put in rules and boundaries from a place of love and strength. my SO is weak, where it counts the most. He shows his strength by diminishing me and suggesting I'm the issue. I suppose it's easy to put that on me and point fingers. I have had quite a lot to contend with, these past few days and it's been one revelation after the other. The icing on the cake was talking to me like dirt in the car and when I raised an issue that he absolutely is on the wrong for and must apologise- the response was to tell me to "get lost and find someone else." "I don't care." He then proceeded to tell me he wanted to find someone else and then changed tack-(we are in the way)"I've tried but your in the way." " I don't want anyone, I just want to do all my things without any hassle." Then when he saw the hurt etched on my face he denied saying it- or I have it wrong. It's unimportant, really. It's fairly conclusive from my angle and nothing to contest. I've gone away for the weekend and need to make a plan to move on. How he's acted when I've been sick in hospital, the things he's said to me....you wouldn't. You just wouldn't.
What is there to save or fight for. He can be and do whatever. Only the heftiest apology and actions would go some way to repairing the damage....but I've got a man who doesn't give the proverbial and clearly doesn't care. The shred of dignity left belongs in not begging, not going back and calmy leaving with no drama. I win(or I learn).
Go for his throat. Go meet with the 10 best divorce attorneys in your city to take them off trhe table for him. Pick the best of the best, and lock down every cent of his assets.
He perpetrated fraud against you. Make him pay. Not just in the short term, make it as durable and publically viewable as possible.
Public humiliation is a great behavioral modification tool. Use it.
I had to use it to get my XW back to reasonable in our divorce. She initiated the divorce, she made the settlement offer that I accepted, then... she decided to flip the script. At that point I told her that she abides by the prior agreement or every sordid detail of the marriage would become public record, I would make sure her parents and siblings knew everyting, and ... everything would go into the pot to be split by the Judge. The agreement we made at the beginning kept a $60K gife her parents gave to US when she finished her BSN. They did not give it to her, they gave it to us.
When I brought the documented records of her adultery (notarized copies of her diary), her academic fraud perpetrated during pursuit of her BSN degree, and arrest records for slashing tires of an XBF and a woman who my XW rear ended in a car wreck while we were married. XW had those things entered in her diary as well. The XBF called the cops on her. Her parents never knew about those things.
Public humiliation risk crushed into complying with the original property settlement agreement.
Fortunately, the Judge saw her for what she is and kept a crushing thumb on her during the divorce hearing. The Jude ordered "Assets to be divided as agreed. All other property and assets awarded as possessed. XW had moved out of the home we had purchased 3mos before she filed for divorce. I got it.
Do the right thing, fight with every tool at your disposal, and do not go quietly.
Start living well now. Including defending yourself and your interests to the fullest.
Wow! I love your spirit and strategic thinking. Unfortunately, I am not married for that to be of benefit. He's played me like the fool I have been. He used his head when I was following my heart. Silly girl. He sure cares about his reputation, but I have little to go off and I am not sure his family would be in my corner. He is fairly well off and, yes it pains me to know I walk with no more than I can carry. I have no family- my parents died when I was younger and it is just me and my LO. The joke is on me, here. I was stupid.
No first family doesn't come first. If he is putting first family over you then he is not showing you respect. Kids need come first, not kids wants. They need a home, food, clothing. Medical attention. Not who does Christmas birthdays first that's wants. If first family wants are coming first. Then you have seriously problem. 'The type of problem you must decide to stay and take it, or leave and start over
Then starts a relationship with a new SO. The SO comes first, not the ex. If the ex comes first then live with the SO. His chrildren needs come hugh up. SO can't be supporting his kids and not supporting the SO or himself. This is the road he chooses to go down. Finding a new SO. Starting a new family. Most SO insist that communications between the ex is limited to things about the kids. Not the ex love life. That most of this communication will be done by texting or email so thers recorded of that conversation. SomebSO are not ready for a new relationship. They are holding on to the old happy family That should not be in a new relationship. You should not be in a relationship with a person holding on to the past
First
First Families and wives always come first. That's what I meant to say.
That's my own experience and it's left me pretty much done in. I'm done with it all. The whole lot of them and my SO can take a running jump. Finally had it.
Sadly, that is often the case.
It felt like that for us the
It felt like that for us the first few years of our marriage. Of course, the ex was pushing hard for that--she needed to stay front and center and super relevant. It was awful. She actually told me I was "welcomed to the family." Sounds nice, right? She meant I was Wife 2 and would always, in her plan, come second. I was completely supportive of DH being an active, engaged dad. I wanted him to be. The problem was that she came with the package, would accompany them on outings, would call constantly "for" the kids (especially when the daughter stopped speaking to us), and was purposely disruptive to our lives. (The kids were adolescents, not toddlers.)
We saw a psychologist who told us something that finally hit home with DH: 1) YOUR MARRIAGE COMES FIRST and 2) YOU NEED TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE TO THE KIDS REGARDING WHAT A MARRIAGE IS AND WHAT BOUNDARIES ARE--KIDS DON'T RUN YOUR LIVES. Do not set an example that you will be run over, that you're a puppet, or that there is this "behind the scenes" marriage that never really ended. That behavior (his ex's insistence that they as a unit would always be front and center and that she would be involved in everything) also gives kids the hope that their parents will reunite.
It's a terribly difficult situation and I don't blame you at all for feeling "done." There were at least a few times I was ready to walk myself. DH finally recognized that his "first family" did not want him to have a life outside of them, but at the same time, they really didn't respect him very much or want him around all that much, after all. "I don't want you but nobody else can have you."
Xs can be pathetic.
If an X or a mate's X played the "welcome to the family" crap with my mate or me, I would be brutal in the response "You are no longer family with my mate and will never be a member of my family. You are irrelevant, at most you are part of the past. I am the present and my mate and I are the future. Crawl back under your rock."
Adjust for the offending X. Whether yours or the mate's.
When an X oversteps and is PASing the Skids, the Skids need the message that there other parent is not a part of this paren't family but the Skids are. Of course the other parent is part of the Skid's family, but those familes are distinctly separate and the Skid is the one that transitions between the two.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
IMHO of course.
Hmmm I'm seeing this. I was
Hmmm I'm seeing this. I was interested in others' experiences. I suspect some second marriages are great and both spouses are extremely supportive. Just curious.
His first wife and family
His first wife and family happened first.. but they don't always "come first".. or they shouldn't.
Parents have a primary obligation to support their minor children.. in front of supporting any other person, including an adult spouse.. that includes paying CS to an EX. So.. minor children are a primary responsibility and obligation.. (first family or not). and that obligation comes before other people..
BUT.. that is not saying that their children from a prior relationship are always the PRIORITY.. their wants and schedules merge into the larger family environment.. sometimes kids won't get what they want.. or get to go where they want to go.. if another family member has a competing need or want.
For Adult children (unless they are otherwise really dependent.. like have some disability).. that primary obligation goes away.. after that point.. it is the parent's nuclear family unit at their home that takes precedent for financial resources...
But.. looking at your other post.. your So has a LOT of things he places in priority over his relationship with you.. his kids are only part of that. Being in a band.. playing Squash.. perhaps maintaining other friendships.. when you add all that.. he has precious little left to give you.. and THAT is caused more by his determination to keep up with all the other things.. too
All so very true. We actually
All so very true.
We actually have no mutual interests, he rarely takes me out minus my LO and I struggle to work, parent, keep the house nice, let alone squeeze in the rate bit of training for skating or gym.....the first break from my child has been the last three days in hospital. I'm just so done now.
I'm Sorry
It should not be this way. Just because we chose to marry someone with and ex and kids, we should not be subjected to shunning, disrespect, rudeness, being ignored, etc. especially in our homes, where we should feel safe. But way to many women (and men) have to play second fiddle to not just stepkids, but ex's and other family members...who wreak havoc in our lives.
I get all the "responsibilities" of being a parent with young kids...even adult kids....and their place in the family dynamics. I do NOT see the acceptance of "crap" behaviors directed at me simply because DH deals with Divorce Guilt (unwarranted most times) and Disneyland Dad Syndrome. (Thankfully, we've settled that mess in my world).
I wish you the best. Take this as a great lesson, learn from it and when you get back into dating, make yourself a list......traits and behaviors you wnat to find and those you will not tolerate. Best to you.
So true. You had me at
So true. You had me at 'Divorce guilt' and Disneyland dad syndrome.' That about sums it all up.
He cheated over a period of time with someone my age (I'm 14 years younger), confessed, was thrown out and the rest is history. Apparently, he was wining and dining his ex before we met, according to his mother. Who knows. I just get the feeling, that his ex threw him out (understandably) and wanted to make him suffer, with every intention of telling him he can come back.....except he enjoyed living separately and then met me.
It's all drama. Who needs this.
It's not always the case, but
It's not always the case, but it happens WAY to often that a woman will get fed up with a man's BS and divorce him. He then rushes out to find a new woman to add to his life and help with his kids, but he's still pining for the life he had before. He's often so afraid to piss off the first wife or fears "losing the love of his kids" that he falls over himself to do whatever they like or pay for whatever they want.
But, too often, the new wife's role is bedwarmer, bill payer, laundry lady, cook and cleaner.
He was divorced for a reason and it seems like he's doing a bang up job on heading towards another divorce.
((hugs))
When your spouse lacks boundaries and a spine
They will continue to allow the first family sabotage their current family which further reinforces to that first family you are 2nd, beneath them and last.
my husband realised if he didn't address the disrespect from sd's or put them in their place that i am his wife, his current and forever and that he was happy with me, building a future with me, that we would end up in divorce.
he made a promise to himself if he married again he wouldn't let it fail but realised the same shit was causing issues. Cow towing to the exwife and their 2 daughters and at the time ss, was sabotaging our marriage and hubby knew if i left, his kids from the first family would ditch him do quick
Are we the same person? ha!
Are we the same person? ha!
I did not have children with my XW. Blessedly.
My incredible bride of 29+ years was never married to my SS's Spermidiot. As a single teen mom she had full physical and legal custody from birth.
Our blended family is pretty much the Unicorn of blended famlies/second marriages. Only one us bought human baggage to the marriage, SS-31 was 15mos old when we met. We married the week before he turned 2yo. So we raised him together.
IMHO, the secret is that the spouses are equity life partners, as equity life partners the partners are also equity parents to any kids in the mariage regardless of kid biology. The spouses are the top priority and they and their relationship always come first for each other. Minor children are the top adult responsibility but never the priority. They benefit from a strong adult relationship. They get no say in it, or in anything else in the blended home.
Standards of behvior and standards of performance have to be established and enforced for children in a blended marriage. Whether those kids are minors or adults.
Xs, get no say, and have no place or standing in the blended marriage. It is critical that the spouse with the X keeps that X under control and diligently enforces discipline, standards of behavior, and standards of performance with their progeny. They have a duty of care to keep their baggage from damaging their mate and the relationship that they and their mate have together.
Not rocket science, keep it simple, and make each other the priority.
Exactly this. It's common
Exactly this. It's common sense. Sadly, it takes two strong people to make it happen and not a spouse with divorce guilt, trying to buy approval and lacking the spine to actually put in rules and boundaries from a place of love and strength.
my SO is weak, where it counts the most. He shows his strength by diminishing me and suggesting I'm the issue. I suppose it's easy to put that on me and point fingers.
I have had quite a lot to contend with, these past few days and it's been one revelation after the other. The icing on the cake was talking to me like dirt in the car and when I raised an issue that he absolutely is on the wrong for and must apologise- the response was to tell me to "get lost and find someone else." "I don't care." He then proceeded to tell me he wanted to find someone else and then changed tack-(we are in the way)"I've tried but your in the way." " I don't want anyone, I just want to do all my things without any hassle." Then when he saw the hurt etched on my face he denied saying it- or I have it wrong. It's unimportant, really. It's fairly conclusive from my angle and nothing to contest. I've gone away for the weekend and need to make a plan to move on. How he's acted when I've been sick in hospital, the things he's said to me....you wouldn't. You just wouldn't.
What is there to save or fight for. He can be and do whatever. Only the heftiest apology and actions would go some way to repairing the damage....but I've got a man who doesn't give the proverbial and clearly doesn't care. The shred of dignity left belongs in not begging, not going back and calmy leaving with no drama. I win(or I learn).
Yes, save yourself. But do not leave quietly.
Go for his throat. Go meet with the 10 best divorce attorneys in your city to take them off trhe table for him. Pick the best of the best, and lock down every cent of his assets.
He perpetrated fraud against you. Make him pay. Not just in the short term, make it as durable and publically viewable as possible.
Public humiliation is a great behavioral modification tool. Use it.
I had to use it to get my XW back to reasonable in our divorce. She initiated the divorce, she made the settlement offer that I accepted, then... she decided to flip the script. At that point I told her that she abides by the prior agreement or every sordid detail of the marriage would become public record, I would make sure her parents and siblings knew everyting, and ... everything would go into the pot to be split by the Judge. The agreement we made at the beginning kept a $60K gife her parents gave to US when she finished her BSN. They did not give it to her, they gave it to us.
When I brought the documented records of her adultery (notarized copies of her diary), her academic fraud perpetrated during pursuit of her BSN degree, and arrest records for slashing tires of an XBF and a woman who my XW rear ended in a car wreck while we were married. XW had those things entered in her diary as well. The XBF called the cops on her. Her parents never knew about those things.
Public humiliation risk crushed into complying with the original property settlement agreement.
Fortunately, the Judge saw her for what she is and kept a crushing thumb on her during the divorce hearing. The Jude ordered "Assets to be divided as agreed. All other property and assets awarded as possessed. XW had moved out of the home we had purchased 3mos before she filed for divorce. I got it.
Do the right thing, fight with every tool at your disposal, and do not go quietly.
Start living well now. Including defending yourself and your interests to the fullest.
Take care of you.
Wow! I love your spirit and
Wow! I love your spirit and strategic thinking. Unfortunately, I am not married for that to be of benefit. He's played me like the fool I have been. He used his head when I was following my heart. Silly girl. He sure cares about his reputation, but I have little to go off and I am not sure his family would be in my corner. He is fairly well off and, yes it pains me to know I walk with no more than I can carry. I have no family- my parents died when I was younger and it is just me and my LO. The joke is on me, here. I was stupid.
I applaud you not diving in with papers.
Though it does not give you leverage for clearing resources, it makes your exit clean and immediate.
Enjoy your new life adventure. Starting..... NOW!
He's a selfish a-hole. Good
He's a selfish a-hole. Good riddance!
Your life goes the way you let it go
No first family doesn't come first. If he is putting first family over you then he is not showing you respect. Kids need come first, not kids wants. They need a home, food, clothing. Medical attention. Not who does Christmas birthdays first that's wants. If first family wants are coming first. Then you have seriously problem.
'The type of problem you must decide to stay and take it, or leave and start over
When someone gets a divorce
Then starts a relationship with a new SO. The SO comes first, not the ex. If the ex comes first then live with the SO. His chrildren needs come hugh up. SO can't be supporting his kids and not supporting the SO or himself. This is the road he chooses to go down. Finding a new SO. Starting a new family. Most SO insist that communications between the ex is limited to things about the kids. Not the ex love life. That most of this communication will be done by texting or email so thers recorded of that conversation.
SomebSO are not ready for a new relationship. They are holding on to the old happy family That should not be in a new relationship. You should not be in a relationship with a person holding on to the past