I'm new here...could use some tips on re-parenting angry adult step kids.

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Where do I start?

My husbands first marriage included 3 children who are now in their early 30's. They like me, they hate me. I'm sure you understand that.
Today they hate me. it is tough.

The problem stems from their anger over my husband leaving their mother, period. This is the problem. he is Hispanic and in their family
they were taught the family home would always be there to support you. Their mom stayed home with them. The marriage was bad but
they were nicely provided for. And the ex wife always says their dad (my husband) was an excellent provider, terrible husband and terrible
father. This is what they learned about heir dad early on, and there is a lack of respect bc deep down the ex just didn't value him except for
what he could provide. She cut him off sexually and emotionally and he became lonely...bottom line is that.

She sort of coddled the children and met their every need and left him out.

Eventually he moved on bc he was lonely in the marriage. Although I was not the first person he dated, I am the one he left his family for.
It wasn't my shining moment, but it is what it is.

So they blame me for stealing their dad. I am not quite sure what kind of marriage they thought their parents had. They seemed oblivious that
there were problems at home, although I have heard so much about their mom screaming and screaming at their dad. But they seem to see it all
with rose colored glasses, I guess they were just oblivious to the problems.

When he left the home and started a new life with me he continued to provide for his family much more than child support would have required.
But they dind't speak to him for a long time. It was hard for him. When the last child was 18 he divorced the mom and gave her everything he had.
Even their family home, but she chose to sell it and gave the money to her kids and iherself and the money is all gone...so there is no family home
and over time as kids have had trouble surviving in the real world that has been a big problem for the kids and they get angry at their dad saying he should have stayed with their mom and provided for all of them. He has told them their marriage was over, there was no love there for many years and the kids say it does not matter, you should NOT have left.

We all sort of did well for many years I thought. Maybe it was the newness, not sure. We traveled a few times with them (our treat). But one by one
the kids just abandoned us. it started with one son bc paid for day care of his small child for 2 years bc his wife and he worked and he went to
school, but the wife decided to be a stay at home mom so we stopped providing free child care and they took great offense to this. It really hurt their
feelings? Then they needed a place to stay and we let them stay 6 months in a second home we have. After the sixth month we told them they had
to at least pay utilities, and again they took offense and moved out leaving it dirty (by then she was pregnant again). At this time the mother lives
with this son and pays half his rent. He makes plenty of money to pay his own rent, but she just likes to coddle her kids and we are different. We
are both very productive people and we just feel at a certain point you gotta get on your own 2 feet. Not a popular opinion it seems.

Then the oldest daughter wanted to get married. She is 34, never married, no kids, not a good career income for herself. Fiance is 50 years old with
2 bad marriages and an adult child from each. He has no career to speak of. He lied to all of us, including her, initially about his career, he does not have one. So at first we were excited bc she met someone nice but eventually it became obvious he is financially and perhaps emotionally lacking. Nevertheless they got engaged and she wanted HUGE amount for wedding ($25-30k). This is an abnormal amount for her family. We just offered a large gift, but it
wasn't nearly that much money. When we offered it, we didn't know the guy was broke bc he had lied. Once his lies emerged, she ultimatley decided
to stay with him. She is angry bc of the money for the wedding, bc it is her first wedding, and she has lashed out verbally at dad. And suddenly I am
the cause of all the problems again. BC she says he should not have left the mom no matter if he was happy or unhappy. BC he ruined their lives.

So basically my step kids will not talk to either of us. Lots of gossip where the oldest and youngest children of his first marriage are constantly telling
everyone how selfish we are, what a bitch I am, and how they did not profit from their parents DIVORCE. Who profits from divorce?

I am surprised bc we have been married 9 years now and did well getting along with them for quite a while. We've never been treated like this. My
husband took up for me when she called me a f-ing bitch and he is standing by me. He says if you want to make them happy just give them money
and they will like you. But we both are getting ready for retirement and we don't want to coddle these big babies. Do you have any suggestions for me?
I hate for my own kids to know adult kids would every act like this. It is just mostly gossip, nothing in our faces, but it is just so awful.

He left the mom before the

He left the mom before the youngest was the 18. He just didn't file for divorce until all of the kids were adults.

I am American and his

I am American and his youngest was 17 when he left her. Oldest was 23.

It sounds like they really

It sounds like they really hate you because you stopped providing all of the freebies. They had a rent and utility free set up that you provided and then set boundaries on. Then there was free babysitting; you cut that off. Your DH tells you to give them $$$ so they'll like you; well that just sets the stage for a one sided taking relationship. Let them wipe their feet on you and give them money...this really is the only way to get some skids to temporarily "like" you.

You and DH cannot "re-parent" HIS adult children, it's just not going to happen. It would be best if you focused on your kids and your marriage with DH. His kids are going to do what they will and it should be DH dealing with and responding to it, not you. Disengage from his circus.

Thanks for your input. When

Thanks for your input. When I read your responses I didn't even realize I wrote "re-parenting"
in my title. I was like what are they referring to? So I guess that was a Freudian slip cause
I didn't even realize myself I was trying to re-parent them. Okay yeah, I guess that is
impossible isn't it!! I will work on stopping that thought process immediately.

I think the post that really hit home with me is the last one here...from "still learning"...thank you. I guess they were just temporarily liking me bc of the freebies. And it was a one way street that got very old for me very quickly. I don't want a fake relationship or just to be used. They won't reciprocate or really appreciate genuinely. We are being used, or we were. Those little hurts add up over time. What bugs me too is when they are mad they won't
just sit and talk about it face to face...very hard to resolve things in this round robin.

They love to come to our house and have me cook up a great meal, never reciprocate, and even critique and compare their moms cooking to mine. I cook some things better, she cooks other things better, and they cook oh - nothing. They want to be FED. I just always feel they try so
hard to not grow up. Honestly, these little things have piled up on me. I like to help those
that help themselves only. I'm not very liberal in that way...

I like the idea to just let DH handle it. That is what they want anyway, he pretty much does.
Problem is I hear about it and get upset and have nothing to do with all that emotion. I've never even been mean to them...feeling on the verge but holding it back. I get things settled and they come back and bat me around a bit with their gossip and it all stirs up again for me.

I do take responsibility for my part, ...but not reliving this every day for the rest of my life. I just CAN'T. Thank you for your responses, even the mean ones.

My husband and I both learned from our blunders, but the rest of the world is
relentless about these things I came to accept that a long time ago. But you cannot rewrite
history unfortunately. You can't undo it. It is what it is... Any person does plenty of things wrong in life and most things are not a big deal, but staying with a man you find is
married is something that is a big deal. I get it. We messed up.

We are faithful to one another...he found a nice person to spend his life with and he is so grateful. He is an awesome husband and a good dad to our kids. AND we both provide. Totally
different dynamics. He isn't actually obsessed with making this work with his kids...unfortunately it is ME. I want to fix it. I have trouble settling for crappy relationships.

I want to fix it, but maybe this is something unfixable.

He is guilty of being in a bad marriage with lots of screaming and very little loving emotion
and just not really having the no-how to just leave bc of his kids. He should have just waited
and not dated while he was still married. So she finally did throw him out and told him he would come back on his knees begging for her. In actuality she begged for him to come back, but he said he knew once he was out he would never go back to her, and he didn't.

I am guilty of getting involved in this crap.

Choose wisely, treat kindly!!

We do combine our money. We have a life insurance policy for his kids and they get 1/5 of that policy in the event he dies before me. It was prepared by an attorney in our state. I think we have defied the odds...we have a great marriage and friendship. Unbeknownst to her,
he is a great man. Losing 3 kids along the way though...not so great.

No it's not fixable, you

No it's not fixable, you can't fix his relationship with his kids. They may have their version of how it went but the fact is their mother threw him out, he left and moved on but still supported the kids. What was he supposed to do? Yes it would have been ideal if he had been legally divorced before the two of you started dating, but in the end you likely still would have been the kids target and been blamed for the demise of their family.

You can't win, there will be no big happy blended family and that's ok.

You need to detach from his

You need to detach from his kids for your sanity. Read books (such as Healing Family Rifts). See a counselor with your DH. You can't fix them.

Yes detach from his kids for

Yes detach from his kids for your own sanity, you can't get a round peg in a square hole. I'm much happier I have stopped trying and giving time and waiting for something that is not even there. Give the time and attention to the ones that honour and respect you.

His ex wife kicked him out,

His ex wife kicked him out, was he supposed to be celibate for the rest of his life? OP and he have been happily married for 9 years.

Okay, got it...getting it. I

Okay, got it...getting it. I can't fix this. Let DH deal with his kids. thanks for the support and redirection.

They like you, they don't

They like you, they don't like you, meh, there's nothing you can do about it. Don't make the mistake of trying too hard.

They are simply your husband's children. Just be cordial to them, and let the rest roll. Presumably your DH will insist on them being cordial to you too (although that is not the case for a bunch of people here--but that's a different issue.) Your DH can handle details, conversations, meal planning/cleanup, gift giving. You participate as you choose to, or how you and DH agree. But he needs to consult with you if it affects you -- such as your money and your time. His kids are simply not your concern, other than to encourage DH to have a relationship with them. But YOU don't need to have a relationship with them.

It works for my DH and me. And it has turned in to mostly good relationships with my DH's kids.

Okay, this website gives me a

Okay, this website gives me a new perspective...I'll read on and learn more...this is helpful to me. Its kinda of like
learning to be a mom, now I gotta learn how to be a stepmom of adults.

Love this advice by Merry:)

I am close to 70 (getting to

I am close to 70 (getting to be real close these days - I can now measure it in weeks not years). I've seen it all. Fortunately I have not lived it all, but I've seen what my close friends have gone thru in addition to my own experiences.

My BFF's husband left her for the OW. He's now been remarried to the woman he cheated with. Their adult children adore both parents. They do not treat their father's wife like trash. I don't think they love the 2nd wife to pieces, but they do have a decent relationship with her. They've moved on.

I know remarried couples that are very close to their exes. I know some who haven't spoken in decades. There's no one answer. You adapt to the reality of what you have in your life.

Your skids sound like horrible people that are best avoided. Why would you want disgusting, greedy, obnoxious aholes in your life?

We have a saying her on Steptalk - "Ignore the whore". No it does not mean that anyone really is a whore. It's just a catchy phrase that rhymes. It really means just ignore people who do not bring anything positive to your life.

I provided a lot of things to my SS30 when I first married DH. But the more I got to know my SS the more I decided that he was just a disgusting POS. (an alcoholic druggie with anger issues who has beaten up women and the elderly).

Once I cut off the dinners, trips, presents, clothes, etc I became the enemy. Guess what - I so do not care. Why would I care what a POS thinks of me? He now has a GF to support him and they have a baby. He's told her and all of her family that I am "evil". Yawn. So what. None of these people mean anything to me. I have dozens if not hundreds of friends who know me, like me, etc.

ETA: I met DH decades after his divorce from SS's mother. She was long remarried. And DH had a 2nd 15 year marriage that ended 6-7 years before I met him. But BM still was pissed that DH had a new life and was happy. Some exes are just aholes too.

Thanks notasm3.I really

Thanks notasm3.I really thought an island of my own. But I read other sections of this website and I now see it is more about the function or
dysfunction of the SKIDS and possibly the EX. GOT IT...yay! I was personalizing it too much.

Can you just imagine if you

Can you just imagine if you treated them how they've treated you? If they actually had some reason to complain or be the brats that they're being. Too bad that their parents didn't prepare them for real life, but here it is. Either go on the rest of your life feeling guilty and acting like it, or realize that you don't have to accept their behavior. Mostly because it sucks. If you refuse to join the conflict, or if your DH refuses, then what? You have a nice life and when the 'kids' realize that you aren't paying attention to them, they might just come around. Eventually even behave if you keep cutting off the bad behavior.

Just something to think about.

That is true. I felt about

That is true. I felt about 1000 lbs lifted off of me when I realized other stepparents were having the same exact problem even if their relationship didn't start
off wrong. AND I was like WOW - THESE AREN'T MY KIDS!!! I sorta didn't realize that. I guess bc we have been together so long I thought the adult brats were MINE
TO FIX. WOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO I told my DH, who is a great guy actually, my revelation from this website. He thought about it and he agreed. Actually he was already
"THERE" I was the one trying so damn hard. I couldn't let it go, but now I did. Have not thought about it much this week. I was dreading this big confrontation but
then realized shit, I don't even need to have it. THESE ARE NOT MY KIDS....why did I think they were?

So lets see if you are right...will they come around or not? It really is up them, I actually have my OWN kids to worry about.

LOVIN IT!!

What a RELIEF!!!

One December day, five years

One December day, five years ago is what I call 'The Liberation Day'. That was the day I finally stopped playing doormat to both SD and DH and told DH, "SD doesn't like me and I don't like her." It was the beginning of a new life and a better marriage. From that day on, I have never regretted placing boundaries. Have not heard from SD since then but I'm OK with it, and DH sure has a lot more respect for me than he used to.

This also opened up my eyes to how other people treated me and I did a big friend/family 'housecleaning'. Five years down the road you will be so thankful for your 'Liberation' too. It only gets better as time goes on.

Love this ... it is great

Love this ... it is great advice!

There is NO LOSS HERE

There is NO LOSS HERE sister!! Just went thru this with the adult step daughter trying to PROFIT off her dad leaving her mom when her mom cheated on her dad! She started in on me and flipped out batshit crazy on her ass and told her to get the fuck out of my life and STAY out! I don't owe you shit, I ain't your mom thank my ass for that and do not EVER contact me again. Cut her off period. Blocked her on my phone. If your husband and it sounds like it, values himself and you and YOUR GUYS happiness - you will not let these adult assholes get in the way. It's clear to me they are lazy idiots trying to make you feel guilty and extort money. Toss them each of them a quarter and tell them to call someone who cares. Also most states provide free mental health hotlines so that's also an option since none of them work. Set yourself free. Life is too short. The fact they don't care about their dad's happiness speaks volumes.

Disengagement from the skids

Disengagement from the skids is something that gets better with practice. Once you get the hang of it, your life will be much better!

Essentially you have to take the advice all the others have provided here - just cut these kids out of YOUR life. It's up to your DH to maintain a relationship with them. BUT that doesn't necessarily mean he gets to hand over all your collective cash to them. Discuss and set limits as to what financial support, if any, they can get. I do think wives have a right to intervene if Disney Dad's deplete the joint financial pot to try and appease their ungrateful adult kids. You shouldn't have to live on peanut butter at some point in your life because he handed over your financial future to them. To protect yourself you may want to ensure you have some assets in your own name, just in case.

Then let it all go. Because this is a lost cause.

Don't spend any time with them; leave when they visit. If you do see them, be friendly but formal "Hello, how are you doing? Sorry I can't stay while you visit with your Dad but I had other plans for the day. Bye bye!" Then leave.

I am disengaged from my SO's kids. I do see his daughter from time to time at holidays or birthdays. We are polite and cordial. The time in between I do my best to not even ask my SO about her. If I see things in the store I think she might like, I have learned to enjoy putting them back on the shelf and saying to myself, "You don't need to get this for her; she is not interested in a relationship with you! Don't spend your money or time on someone who is a dead end." And it works.

I do not kid myself that she has any interest in me personally nor will she. I just look at her as a planet in my SO's galaxy which I do not need to visit. There is no oxygen or life there, why kill myself over trying to inhabit it?

I am the queen of

I am the queen of disengagement . Every word you said above is right on the money ! Kudos to you !

Yes, I have become quite

Yes, I have become quite "happily selfish"!!

Excellent advice! I'm

Excellent advice! I'm bookmarking this post just for your comment.

It has been a few months

It has been a few months since I started this thread and well, I would say I'm not suffering through it anymore. His daughter came one night for dinner and we were both cold and cordial. First time we saw each other in a few months. We did not have a confrontation bc I usually just don't go there - feels like it is his relationship and not mine to worry about now. She doesn't WANT a relationship with me, and I guess that is okay.

I'll be nice but not gonna rush out and worry about her...disengagement is a GREAT word.... and LIBERATION DAY! I guess that was my liberation day when I first posted this a few months ago. Any time I'm off track I just have to remember one thing **THESE**ARE**NOT**MY**KIDS***!!!! That was my ah-ha moment. I guess I thought it was my problem to solve. She likes to blame me for crap that has nothing to do with me or even with her dad...

all rough roads lead her right back to her parents and their divorce.

She is 34, she is stuck, and she is confused - this is not her husband it is her DAD, and he was supposed to make her support himself no matter who he is married to...geez. I don't know what she is thinking, as she is perfectly capable of anything she wants to do. I cannot help her bc she will discuss it with everyone except me...but if I could I would tell her you don't need ANY man to support you financially...just do it yourself. What man wants a woman that feels she can't make it on her own at 34? I think that would be a very vulnerable position for any woman to be in.

I went through some epiphany like this when I was 24 years old, not 34 years old. And that was kinda late even at 24. But my dad is so awesome, and yet he made it clear that he wasn't supporting me. But he did try to make me believe I would always have a man (husband) who would certainly always be there to support me financially bc most women in my family married so young - and yet by 24 I hadn't found the right one and so I realize men were getting me derailed in my own goals so I let go of the men, hit the books and finished 2 degrees by 30, and opened my own business a few years later..and that was a blessing, bc I learned wow, I can make it on my own. I did quite well too!!! Women are the best!!! I just didn't realize how much I could accomplish on my own, and I am sure she doesn't realize this either. She doesn't need a man, including her dad. She doesn't need to worry. We are enough just on our own in this country, Thanks to God!!!

But I am not her normal role model, unfortunately.

There were a couple bright lights that have come on for her though, and happy for that. I am not pitching out that we will NEVER be close. But right now is NOT the time for us.

Dear invisiblestepmother... I

Dear invisiblestepmother... I agree with a lot of the posts on here and disagree with some others. On any good thread there is a little of both. Ingest everything you read and use the pieces that work for you.

I will weigh in on one piece... yes, your husband was still married when you got together. Not ideal but you own that. Good for you. I have a SS20 who is. I met DH when SS was about 11yo and DH and BO had already been divorced for close to 7 years. When SS couldn't get along with his mother he moved in with us. When Dad couldn't pay part of the bills, I paid for that. When Dad lost his job and couldn't pay for college, I paid for that, too. Because I love my husband. Oh, we have bitter fights about it, but it is what it is.

My point here is that the kids are ticked that their family was "disrupted", sure. They are going to pick the easiest target (you) no matter whether you deserve it or not. If it wasn't you, it would be something else. I say this from a position of confidence because in my situation there's not a saint in church that could blame me for the kid (usually) being a distasteful jerk (though things have gotten better as of late).

And, good on your husband for taking your side. Mine hasn't always. You are being cordial and do so until the point that they are disrespectful. Then, disengagement in its entirety is a must.

Good luck!

Pink

Dear invisiblestepmother... I

And, good on your husband for taking your side. Mine hasn't always. You are being cordial and do so until the point that they are disrespectful. Then, disengagement in its entirety is a must.

Good luck!

Pink

You are here

I'm new here...could use some tips on re-parenting angry adult step kids.