DH upset becoz I am not interested in his kids

This is my first post and I need to go somewhere for advice. Please help.

My DH is upset that I am not interested in his daughters. I havent been interested in his kids for the past 8 years, why is today so different?

My DH and I have been married for 8 years. He has two daughters SD 17 and SD14. When we met his daughters were complete monsters. He had a messy divorce (his wife cheated) and it was real ugly. BM had done everything to turn the girls against Dad. I couldnt handle the kids and disengaged almost immediately. I made it clear to him that I had no interest in playing Mom to his kids. They had a Mother who could raise them. I wasnt interested in getting to know Mom. This woman was always screaming and ranting - too much drama!

Marriage is good, I love DH, I had my career he had the girls EOW. We provided a decent home to them when they stayed over, but that was it for me. It is like having houseguests. Rude houseguests, but they go home to Mom.
I wasnt gonna get myself into all the stepparenting drama. I dont have the energy for that shit: not my marriage, not my divorce, not my kids, not my problem. Have a happy life without me.

Big blowup happens this week. I have a niece - my only niece who I love. She is my brother's child, only grandkid in the family and yes you can say "princess". I love this kid (Princess17)
Princess17 ia about to graduate high school and as a present I have arranged for her to spend the summer in Europe with some friends of mine. SD17 is friends with Princess17 on Facebook. Finds out and ooooo wooo, big mistake! SD17 flips her lid! Why am I being such a bitch? Sending my niece to Europe and not her? Runs to Dad and DH is unhappy "because I have never done anything for SD."

There are a couple of reasons to send the bratty Princess:
* She took French and enjoys art - Europe good place to visit for both.
* She showed an interest in a foreign holiday and I obliged.
* She is family - SD17 is DHs kid. He can pay for her.
* SD17 has always been a rude, disrespectful brat. She goes out of her way to tell me how great BM is, how BM should still be married to DH, how she hates me. Hmmm, this is getting way old - 8 years of this? Not interested.
* Its my money and I can spend it on who I like.
* I havent been interested in DHs kids in years. Why would I act like their wallet now?
* SD|17 is too stupid to graduate this year and even if she did, I would not send her. As she reminds me, I am not her mother.

Why is DH upset? I have no interest in your kid and its been like that for a long time. SD17 is refusing to stay with DH this weekend. It is a DH weekend. SD17 is too upset at how unfairly I treat her doesnt want to stay at the "whore's house" Hmm no, the whore was your Mom.

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I can understand how SD17

I can understand how SD17 would react like this. well simply because she is 17 and they dont see awful treatment esp when they get away with it year after year after year. if you are pretty much void of a relationship with her then her fussing probably wouldnt even register on my radar.

And the way I look at this is that if your DH was my DH he has just opened himself up to 8 to 10 years in review. although it is addition and subtraction. Basically, DH I am sorry. I am sorry you feel I should do the same for your daughter as my neice. Maybe had you encouraged your daughter to treat me with even a little bit of respect, perhaps alittle admiration and at the very least fairly and decently I could understand why you would be questioning me. but since you allowed her to shit on me ever chance she got and you stood by and did absolulty nothing I really have nothing to give.

now the person she does admire, treat fairly and respect apparently is her Mother. So perhaps you should call HER MOTHER and see if she can give her a trip to Europe. At one time you did make a baby with your ex wife so you must have thought she would be a good Mom. Maybe she can help you out.

turn on water soup up hands rinse and your rid of this bullshit

I have SDs similar ages to

I have SDs similar ages to yours, mine are 19, 17, who have been coming here EOW for a decade. TBH, I believe that the bust up is probably nothing much to do with you. My DH had a big bust up with the SDs in December, and one of the reasons for it (supposedly) was that I do not make them feel welcome here. However, I have been exactly the same to them for the past 11 years ie civil but cool. I think the real reason is that they wanted an excuse to stop coming over here - why not just stop? That would not give them an excuse to pillory me and their Dad. So hence the hullabaloo. I suspect your situation might be similar.

My advice is to take no notice of SD17 or your DH in this matter. Just go about your normal business. And I hope your niece enjoys her trip.

I am just floored. Who does

I am just floored. Who does your SD think she is? I could not imagine my DD acting like that if her SM did something like what you did for your niece.

And if she did act like that I would be embarrassed as her parent. How can DH NOT be embarrassed by this?

For my own sanity I

For my own sanity I disengaged from these horrible children years ago.

I treat them like houseguests when they are here. I am cordial with them even though I get abuse and disrespect back.

DH is a classic Disney Dad. They can do what they like with him. I am not interested! Own your own shit!

What surprises me is DH feeling I am being unfair to SD17. Besides things relating to the house, like cooking or making sure their room is clean for when they stay over, I have never done things for them. I dont know why he is surprised! This is a first.

If SD does not want to come and visit she is free not to. SD ALWAYS has to find something to rant about. She is becoming her Mother, I swear!

I doubt SD17 knows where Europe is, must less wants to go. I am so sick of these kids!

I learned I didn't want to

I learned I didn't want to make our house so inviting to "guests". Got up early and vacuumed, home projects.. stuff like that. So good psychology can be your best friend.

So be happy, maybe she won't be coming back much. You have anymore nieces.cousins...to piss her off with...

Try not to fret too much. I

Try not to fret too much. I always bear in mind what a friend said to me, years ago, when I was moaning about my SDs, ie "don't worry, they'll grow up and f**k off eventually." Mind you, reading about some of the "adult stepchildren" issues on here - one might worry a little bit about this.

I hope you've explained

I hope you've explained yourself as well to your dh as you did here. if you have, then let your dh "waller" in it for awhile. he'll get over it, things will get back to normal. and maybe he's learned his lesson and won't have these types of expectations from you concerning his dd. if not, and he doesn't get over it or brings it up again, he'll have to be told to either suck it up and don't damage your marriage over this or he's gonna have to find another woman who is willing to be an open wallet to his daughter cause you ain't her. he HAS to get rid of these expectations cause he will begin resenting you. i'd warn him about allowing his dd trying to turn you into the bad guy, and him falling for it, warn him about allowing his dd to have influence over his marriage. not good and should not be tolerated.

I always say FB is the worst,

I always say FB is the worst, and yet people don't get that it is not private by any means. Maybe talk to your niece and see if she wants to also disengage with her. I wouldn't want her around my family at all.

First of all, it has nothing to do with his daughter. This is your niece, your family and frankly I would tell dh she showed her true character so he should understand why there isn't a relationship. She is grown, she can pay her own way, or the mother can. It doesn't involve her, and she calls you a whore??? Wow, she wouldn't set foot in my house, my kids would never talk like that to an adult.

The fact that you disengaged from day 1 was really smart, and more people should do that. Instead they continue the drama, and contribute. Once you disengage completely, you stop empowering them. I'm sure she saw this as more of a opportunity to start trouble versus really wanting to go to Europe. Of course you could send her to Bosnia, or Albania...one way ticket... }:)

*Finally I would tell dh you'll open up your wallet to purchase many bars of soap for her nasty mouth. Bulk rate, at Costco.