HELP! DH might work overseas!!! Can NC BS take back kids??????

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(I am reposting this on the advice of StoriesbySteve... Thank you, Steve, for your reply to my other thread)

Just had a question in case anyone knows the answer. DS is has been offered a job that would have him away from home 6-9 months a year. He has joint custody of skids with primary physical custody for the school year. 1)If he is gone alot (2-3 months away at a time), can BS take primary custody from him since I'm only the step? Also, skids have half siblings in my home, so it would mean separating them from their siblings too if she were to do such a thing. I am afraid she would try just to hurt people and to get out of her child support.

She was the CP originally but kicked them out. She is very selfish that way and views me (of course) as her rival. I have a feeling that she would flip and refuse to allow the "stepmother" to be in the driver's seat. As long as DH is home she can pretend I'm not here. One skid would love to go back to her, he never has adjusted well, but the other loves our family and does not want to go.

We are considering the job for major financial reasons, which could also end up being an exhorbitant meal ticket for BS if she became a CS and we had to start paying CS to her. This might sorta make it pointless for us. I don't want to make the sacrifice of having him gone all the time, with a plan to pay some things of, save, and provide certain things for our family only to have BS out us back in the poorhouse and profit from it personally. My biggest fear is he'd end up stuck at the new job because his CS payments would be so high he could never bring his career back stateside again.

The idea of he and I being forced to stay apart parmanently in order to pay some ridiculous amount of money to BS, well... it makes me livid to even think about. I also could not stand to lose the SS that loves us and loves being in our family. It would devastate him.

Also, another question. 2) Can a court base CS on ALL income or only the portion that is earned while in the U.S.?

Thanks in advance for any insight anyone can offer!

Ah my post got erased! I

Ah my post got erased! I guess you updated before I submitted. No worries

Does biomother live in the same school district? If she does then she does have a fighting chance to get skids more but not likely primary. Probably more like 50/50.

You guys have the advantage because of several things:

Primary custody
Half siblings in the home
History of skids in the home more.
Courts prefer NOT to uproot children
BM lives outside the school district (?)

Your DH is being deployed(or migrated). He's not leaving the family. There's a difference. If he left then yes you would have far less of an influence but DH is still being responsible with his time with his children. He's making sure somebody from his end is looking after them.

I would suggest talking to an attorney. Make sure its not stated in Dh's divorce decree that biomom has the 'first-right-of-refusal'. If she does that could give her an advantage.

Hey! Sorry it erased your

Hey! Sorry it erased your post :(... but thank you so much for making a new one. In answer to your question, no- BM lives several states away from us right now. We would be moving farther away, too for the job. Your comments have helped ease my worries, but I think you are right that we will need to talk to an attorney. I don't remember seeing anything about first right of refusal in DH's decree. Hopefully, the things on our side will be enough to prevent her from doing something like that.

I have a few suspicions that BS has been considering moving here. She got worked up several months ago at the idea we might move. She thinks she should control the state we live in for some reason and if not then she should get to decide where the kids should live. She has also been in a bind with the child support office now that they collect from her (we recently had a modification done). So my guess is she would be willing to come here to get more parenting time and to try and lock us into this area. The fact that you have pointed out the difference it could make if she is local is a good reminder for us to keep in mind while we decide if we should move immediately or wait till later on when DH is home on a rest period.

No worries really

No worries really Rebel...lol I didn't post much so I'm glad I got a second chance to give you a more informed answer.

BM is obviously not given the first right of refusal because of the distance between your household and hers. This stipulation applies to parents who live reasonably close.

BM wouldn't have much to go on really. Since she likely has joint legal custody she can right up as many claims as she want to but she'd have a weak case. She just lives too far away. She's not involved in the day to parenting of her kids. She would have to move, get work, and establish herself in you area before changing up parenting schedules.

I'm glad I was able to put your mind at ease

Thank you both, Stepachick

Thank you both, Stepachick and Beaccountable, for sharing your thoughts on it.

I would be devastated if that happened. Like I said my younger ss is the one that I think would be hurt and I would not want to lose him. He has become very bonded to all of us and all of us to him. My older one is another matter because he wants to be with BM- always did even when she sent him to live with us. He get’s upset that his younger sibling is loyal to us and tries pretty hard to pull him into his own direction and to alienate the rest of the children.

Older ss has got only a few years left before he's an adult and I know in my heart we did our best for him, he's just never chosen to be open to us and still rigidly holds onto his memories of "who" should be part of his family and who shouldn't. He is bitter over the divorce, his BM shipping him to us, me, a step sibling, and young half siblings. He has stated that he wants to go back to BM.

The other part of it is that DH is not military. It is voluntary whether or not he accepts the job. But, the problem is that there are not many jobs for him right now that pay enough to support our family and his field his very narrow. The extra pay for going over seas is the piece of it that would sicken me if she got her hands on it. The basic pay, not so much. Maybe I’m wrong for it but, I see her as a greedy person who has done many hurtful things for her own gain. The part of his pay for him being out of country would be because of a sacrifice made in this marriage that we would be bearing, not her. It would also be higher than anything that was ever status quo in their marriage together. Even the basic pay would be higher than anything they did together and would, in itself, already be more than she would get if he worked stateside in any other job he has held in either marriage.

It bothers me to think she could go all the way with it and maybe a new status quo develops to where DH would be expected to maintain the new status of living in BS’s household and unable to leave the new job, if we find out that his absence is just too much for us. My fear is it would end up that we were stuck apart because we couldn’t afford to pay her any other way… I’d hate to have to build a savings account just to pay her support for an indefinite period of time between when he might take a different job later on and the time when he could finally get his support adjusted in court. I have enough reasons to despise her, I def. don’t need more.

We'll talk to an attorney soon and I'll update. Thanks again!

That's a really good

That's a really good question. That is maybe an even better arguement than just the status quo... maybe together, the arguements are really strong. In an emergency motion, I think such things were mentioned when they hashed out her new visitation schedule and the change in primary custody, etc- I just don't remember what was said exactly. I just remember she was trying to make it seem like it was all a mutual decision by both parents so the kids could have better schools and lifestyle. In reality, she made the decision on her own because she "was sick of" the oldest's behavior. The final modification was later agreed on before court. We do have emails where she says that she couldn't handle them that were written before they moved to us.

I just remember feeling irritated that not much of a big deal was made, during court, about what she did to cause the modification. It was like she got to sit there and play the part of a self-sacrificing ncp who should be granted constant contact, notification of every detail of their life, and as much visitation as possible, yadda yadda… I kept thinking: but you already had that when they lived with you and you gave it away!

It is so nice to know someone understands how this stuff feels. My non-stepparent friends just don’t really get it. Thank you guys for the support.

Anytime Rebel. Keep us

Anytime Rebel. Keep us posted. Everything will work out.

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